Hi ladies... I have a question for those of you who had a male RE. I am insanely and irrationally self conscious about going to the lady doc. I have a friend who did an ob/gyn residency at the hospital where I will be seen and she said the best RE in the department is someone who is a male. I have never been to a male doctor and every time I think about going I want to curl up into a ball and die of humiliation. This is so stupid of me because I so much want to finally conceive and I should go to the best doc and the one who is most likely to get me there. I have met this person before and he was very nice -- did not do an exam though at our initial meeting. But the thought of going back to him and being spotlighted to see what is going on with my apparently non-functioning lady parts really upsets me. Help me feel better about this... I recognize this fear is irrational and that this is a medical setting and I am so so sad every month when I get my period. Any suggestions for helping to overcome this paralyzingly fear? Should I throw in the towel and go to a woman instead? 
thanks guys.
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@mopeybuthopey: I know all doctors are different, but my male RE has never seen me in any state of undress ever, and I've been going to him for 10 months and have done 4 IUIs. The (female) nurses and NPs do all the procedures at my office. That being said, I'm starting IVF soon and I do believe he'll be doing the egg retrieval. At this point, I'm a lot more comfortable with him, although he is my first male doctor since my pediatrician, so I get it!
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I think first and foremost, you have to feel comfortable and trust the doctor that you're going to see. If you don't think you'll be comfortable enough with a male doctor, I think you should seek out a female doctor. If you have to go into in-depth fertility treatments with this doctor, you'll want to be able to talk to him/her openly, feel comfortable with internal exams, etc.
That said, my RE was male and he was fantastic. He and his wife went through infertility early in their marriage and they did IVF. I think it helped me that he understood the heartbreak of infertility in a really personal way. He was nothing but compassionate, professional, etc. at all times and I think any really good RE (male or female) will be.
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I will admit that I have a female OB and prefer it that way. BUT if I had special circumstances that could be BEST addressed by a male doctor I would get over the embarrassment factor. The positive of getting pregnant and having a baby way outweighs the negative of the awkwardness of a male doctor.
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@mopeybuthopey: I not only went to a male RE but I've known him since I was 10! His son and I went to school together. It was so embarrassing at first but he is the best in the area. I had an examination by him during my first appointment. I think that helped make me overcome my uneasiness. If the best RE is a male in your hospital then go for it. You want the best!
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I agree with PP who said you should feel comfortable with your doctor.
I saw a male gyne for years before being referred to my (female) RE, and I was comfortable seeing him.
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I think you do have to be comfortable with your doctor, I had a female OB-GYN for this very reason, however I am the type of woman who wants the best of the best, and if he's the best you will get more comfortable with him as you get ot know him. I also had to get used to it in the hosptail when delivering my child as the on call doctor was male, even though my doc was there to deliver, he checked me a couple times. I was over the fear beause there was no other choice!
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I've only ever been to female obgyns so I was definitely a little hesitant to go see a male as my RE. Maybe it was just his warmth and professionalism, personalty, willingness to help, etc but I had absolutely no problem spreading my legs hahaha. He was awesome and I was bummed I couldn't continue on wit him once I got pregnant. Had he been different, I may have still been uncomfortable. In your situation, I bet he is the best RE for a reason...just as mine was. You may be in very good hands and be surprised at how comfortable you are.
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Personally, I'm comfortable with a male doctor. My RE is male and he did my uterine biopsy and the doctor who did my HSG was also male... and even my GP is male. I figure they're doctors, it's their job. Especially if they specialize in female anatomy.
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Like PPs go with what's comfortable. However, I LOVED my male OB.
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I don't see an RE, but I will say that I love, love, love my male OB. I had never gone to a male OB before, and I was nervous. But we now have a great relationship, and I am FAR more comfortable with him than I ever have been with any of my female OBs in the past. There's always a female nurse in the room during exams, so that helps. Honestly, though, I just trust him, so that's enough for me.
I agree, you have to trust your doctor. But I wouldn't count him out just because he is male. You may be surprised!
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@Espion: jinx
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If it's any help, I feel like there might be a difference between a male RE and a male OB/GYN. I've seen a few male REs and never felt uncomfortable, yet now that I'm seeing a male OB I feel just slightly awkward. Maybe because with an RE it's very clinical and the discussion is about your hormones and numbers, and even when/if he's doing an ultrasound he's not looking down there - you're covered by a sheet and he's looking at a monitor and again focusing on numbers.
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Both my RE and my OB are male. I never really cared either way with male/female, but I definitely think you need to be comfortable with your doctor. The last think you need is additional stress because of the doctor you are seeing. That being said, I mostly dealt with the female nurses and ultrasound techs except for a few initial appointments at each stage. We discussed changing REs because mine doesn't have a very good bedside manner, but got a BFP before we made the change.
Is there a female dr in the same practice? That doctor would probably have a similar treatment plan and could consult with the other dr.
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I agree that you should feel comfortable with your doctor. My RE has told me it is important to feel relaxed during procedures. If you aren't comfortable there is no way you'll feel relaxed. Since he is the best in the area can you meet with him a couple more times before making the decision to switch?
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I have always seen a female ob/midwife b/c that is what I'm comfortable with. However, I've since seen two male REs at my practice. They have seen my nether region, but only to insert the lovely wand for the transvaginal ultrasound--so they look for a second and that's it. Like @spaniellove: said, it's much different than your annual exam.
With that said, don't force yourself into a situation you're not comfortable with. You need to be comfortable for the exam and to ask questions. I'm sure there are highly qualified female doctors for you to build a relationship with.
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thanks guys. I feel silly for getting so upset about it. I know I need to get over it -- again he was very nice, but it is impossible to be modest at that kind of appointment. Gives me the shudders thinking about it, but maybe some of my anxiety is stemming from the fact that we have reached this place to begin with and I cant get over this lingering fear that this is never going to happen to me
Even though I know that too is irrational. Sometimes it just feels that way.@lovelyplum -- is the nurse up next to your head or is she "down there" too? I would like to keep the invasiveness to a minimum. I'm hoping when I go in for my HSG next week, the only person who will be in my lady bits is my regular OB/GYN. I chose to go to her for this instead of the RE just because I heard it can be uncomfortable and I am feeling particularly vulnerable about the procedure. But once the HSG is done, the next step is to return to the RE, who recommended it to begin with, with the results and go from there. Is it just me or are 95% of radiologists male?? I am hoping there wont be one of those in the room when I get this HSG. This is also a teaching hospital, so I know they are going to think I'm a wuss, but I'm going to ask for no medical student if there is one. I am emotionally compromised about all this as is and don't need to add anything else to the equation, especially not a medical student and feeling like I am not working right so my anatomy just must be off
Thanks again guys.
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@mopeybuthopey: OK, a few things:
1) The nurse is usually somewhere in between my head and the doctor. She always talks to me and usually looks at me, but when he's done with the speculum or needs anything, she's obviously looking at/talking to the doctor. But she can't see my lady bits, because of the sheet.
2) For my HSG, there were 4 people in the room: my OB, a hospital nurse and her student, and the male radiologist, who came in later. BUT, the nurses were not all up in my business, they were helping the doctor with the instruments. Also, the radiologist only came in after the speculum was out and I was lying flat for the x-rays. He was only interested in the images on the screen. Then, he left.
3) At teaching hospitals, I think you can usually request to not have the students in the room with you. At least where I go, they always ask.
4) Finally, I think it is a good idea, while you are still clothed, to tell either the nurse or the doctor that you are having anxiety about your exams. There have been times where I was very, very nervous to see my doctor, especially after my losses, but anytime I explain my anxiety to them, they are very understanding and compassionate. My doctor always protects my modesty-uses a sheet, draws the curtain, etc, and he's very kind. They know that they are seeing us in our most exposed state, and the good ones treat you with dignity. It's especially true with dealing with IF. If you are worried about being broken, tell them. You might be surprised how much it helps.
Deep breath, lady. It's going to be OK
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I had a male RE and he was wonderful, really kind and considerate. I do think you have to be comfortable with your dr but personally, seeing the best doctor would outweigh any uncomfortableness I would have.
Also, just a heads up, if you do end up doing any infertility treatments, you will probably have multiple transvaginal ultrasounds (I probably had about 15-20 between IF treatments and then early pregnancy ultras). After about 3 or 4, I just got over any lingering embarrassment completely...
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@mopeybuthopey: does the RE know your OBGYN is performing your HSG? My RE wanted all tests repeated by them.
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I have always had female doctors "down there" and it just makes me feel so much more comfortable. I had one male OB in my practice and he was super nice. But I was glad he never did any cervical checks before birth. He came into my room during delivery and actually had his hand down there and said, "Ok, now push me out" - ummm....that's just not cool.
I say, do what makes you feel comfortable.
ETA: Don't feel silly at all about this. Hugs!
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@lovelyplum -- thanks so much. your message made me feel better last night. I do think I will tell the docs how I am feeling about all of this. Just stinks.
@trailmix -- I think I'll become desensitized to it with some time, but for one reason or another, I am super sensitive to it right now. Probably does not help that I am always exceptionally emotional and irrational during AF. That may be partially to blame. And just getting start in all of this is nerve-wracking because it is still an "unknown," if that makes sense.
@swedishfish -- The RE and OB/GYN are part of the same academic department and know one another, so I am taking a little bit of a risk going to my normal doc for this. I do think the RE will be ok with it. But you are right -- I havent officially asked or told him. I just know this is the next step because he told me at our last meeting that that is the first step for me to take. Hope he wont make me do it again
@sweetooth -- ok, yea, "push me out" ?? Awkward, hahaha, although I am sure he didnt mean anything by it. I think sometimes medical folks see this stuff so much that they may forget that while they could care less about things and see something as a "muscle" only, there are those of us who are not nearly as desensitized to it as they are!! I have always assumed that by the time I am actually in the process of giving birth I won't care because I'll be ready to meet the baby and be in pain, etc. But maybe I am making a big assumption
I have always been a little too self conscious about all of this!!Thanks for your message. -
I had a male RE (whole IVF practice is men) and it didn't phase me, because I was just so focused on getting pregnant. My husband was in the room next to me for every exam/ultrasound with the RE. Between three surgeries, the retrieval, transfer and two hysteroscopies, I'm now completely "immune" to putting my legs in the stirrups! All of my many ultrasounds were by female nurses, but a few times the RE came in to check something out at the nurses request, so he was there for a few of them, too. I think you would probably just get used to it with time, but if it really bothers you than I guess you'll have to see a woman. Good luck! Remember that he is a doctor and sees different women ALL day, every day and you are truly just a patient and he's not looking at you like you may think.
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@mopeybuthopey: I have always wanted a girl OBGYN for some reason. Having a guy just felt weird but for whatever reason having a male RE has never phased me. I would just keep reminding yourself that he does this all day, everyday and if it isn't uncomfortable for him then it should be for you. I think over time you will just naturally get use to it.
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@mopeybuthopey: I can understand completely ...I Hate anything lady doctor related.....well anything doctor related....
My RE is a male and as @Shutterbug said he has never seen me exposed....once he was in the room looking at the monitor as the nurses was doing a scan because had over 14 eggs and could of hyperstimulaated..so he was checking it out
He is so compassionate and really understanding from day one he would always say when you do become pregnant not if.....which I am sure he is suppose to say but something about him made me feel calm and in good hands..
His nurses are all women and so very kind sweet and caring, they all know my name and really care if I get pregnant or not, I don't feel like another patient...
Best of luck to you, if the RE is male and you feel comfortable tell him your nervous....my nurses know I hate the u\s so they talk to me the whole time and go as fast as they can and know that I won't look at the screen to see my eggs/uterus.....lol
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@mopeybuthopey: During my HSG there was the doctor and a radiologist both female...but they too were a teaching hospital and asked if two could it in and partake I kindly said no and it was no big deal......you need to take control of the situation and make sure you are comfortable
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thanks so much ladies! I had the HSG last week. Not a fun experience, but it's over with and things are clear, so that is a step in the right direction. I will say that it was a "party" in there for the procedure, and there was a young somewhat attractive radiologist (of course) who got the full eyeful. My husband assures me you can't really see anything once all the instruments are in there, so I guess there's that. With that said, after that experience, I have come to grips with the fact that my body isn't all that interesting, so I'm going to suck it up and go to the male RE. Thanks again for your input. This thread made me feel better and hope it will help others too.
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@mopeybuthopey: I am soo glad to hear....I was unable to have DH in the room with me :\ we had the procedure done in hospital so insurance would cover it and they would not allow him in....I was sooooo pissed!!!!!!
Even though I know that too is irrational. Sometimes it just feels that way.
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