What would you do if another mom in your child's class asked for you to watch her younger child sometime? Based on the reason she's asking, it sounds like it wouldn't just be a one time thing. I SAH so saying I have to work isn't an option. She's super pushy about it and isn't just taking the hint that I don't want to do it.
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It would depend on two things: is she paying, and do you want to? If the answer to either of those questions is no, then I probably wouldn't.
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Unless you are a babysitter/nanny, this is bizarre. If not - just say "oh no I don't really do that kind of thing" or like "my own kid is plenty to keep me busy!"
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@babypugs: No she's not paying and I don't want to. Simple hints are cutting it either and I can't figure out how to get her off my back. I don't know her well, and she even said it when she asked. She's trying to line things up to leave her husband (who she says is mean to her) and she wants to do things without little ones seeing and being able to report back to their dad.
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@PawPrints: I've said both! Then she started with the story about leaving her husband, I think trying to work the sympathy angle. And I'm totally empathetic, but it's not like she's my friend, she's the mom of my kid's friend.
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@Boogs: I would stay as far away from that situation as possible! You may just have to be completely blunt with her if she isn't getting the hint.
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@Boogs: I would say something like "I'm so sorry but I just can't pitch in to help. I have a lot going on outside of just caring for the kids." READ: I have a life and don't want to take care of your kids for free! She could find a paid babysitter if she really needed it.
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@KT326: I'm trying to! Some things she tells me, stuff seems to change sometimes. It's so weird. I live around the corner from school so I walk LO everyday. Today instead of parking by the school, she parked on my street so she could keep walking with me. Mind you, she's never been to my house.
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Wow. Incredibly bizarre. I guess I would start handing her info for Poppy/other babysitting services and talk about how much people seem to like them. Maybe next time she suggests you watch her kid say "Yeah, that's not an option. Maybe this would work for you though."
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@Boogs: Yikes, that's intense! Yep, I agree with pp's--bluntness might be the only thing that works with this lady.
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@winniebee: She claims that sometimes the husband takes her ATM and access to money so a babysitter isn't an option. Plus, she worries about the kid telling of his whereabouts. So she figured if the kid was hanging out like a play date, the husband wouldn't know.
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@Boogs: oh wow. That is so strange. I'm sorry you have to deal with that! I agree with @PawPrints: try talking about some babysitting services.
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@PawPrints: @KT236: See above about babysitter. And I actually don't know of any because I don't use any myself, just family.
@babypugs: So what would you say. I'm struggling to figure it out. She says they are moving at the end of the year, June can't come soon enough!
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@Boogs: So the husband is cutting off her access to money? If that's true she really needs to get help and not just some random mom to babysit her kid..... I mean, if she is in a bad situation at home and can't seem to access childcare so she can take care of things, that really does suck....
Maybe just tell her you guys aren't really home between drop off and pick up? Maybe suggest for her to ask around at school, maybe someone would want to
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@Boogs: Just saw your reply about the babysitter. I would just say sorry, I don't babysit and hopefully leave it at that.
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@Boogs: that is super strange. Does she seem to have any actual friends? I feel for her if she feels trapped in a bad situation with her husband, but the way she is approaching you is bizarre and tells me something else is up.
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I'd probably be blunt and say something like "I'm really sorry you are going through this but I am not comfortable watching someone else's child." And then just repeat whenever she tries to ask.
I would feel really bad for this woman though. I wonder if she has family or friends who can help her out, especially if the husband is restricting access to money. That is horrible.
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Hearing more of the story, I feel bad for her but for your own safely I think you definitely don't want to be involved. Situations like that can turn nasty and you don't want to be a scapegoat. I might say something like, "I'm sorry, but I'm just not available for babysitting. Would you like me to bring you some information about free resources for women in bad (or whatever) situations?" There are likely women's clinics in the area that could provide free advice.
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@snowjewelz: That's what she says. It can be true. I don't know them well enough to know and I've never interacted with the husband so I honestly have no clue.
@Foodnerd81: She said she had a friend that watched him but she has 2 kids 3 and under and is pregnant with a third so it's too hard for her. It very well might be, or the friend found a great excuse to get out of it because it became too much?
@catlady: Not in the area. Their nearest family is a couple of hours away. If everything is true, I truly feel bad for her. When she told me I did tell her I felt bad, we were in situations like that when I was a kid so I get it. I don't want her to think I'm some monster, but I just don't know them well enough and wouldn't want to put my family in the middle of anything or bring trouble to my family.
@KT326: @catlady: The non-confrontational side of me wishes I could just text her these responses, but she said to not text her about anything because he reads her texts.
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@Boogs: I agree also with saying I am just not comfortable babysitting due to liabilities and what not. I am not a nanny and without any formal agreement/contract I don't feel comfortable watching someone else's child in my own home
ETA: OR put it on your DH too haha. Say I checked with him and he's not comfortable with it either
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@babypugs: I feel the same way. She made it sound like she's already found resources for women in bad situations. I know there has to be some way they can help with kids also.
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@snowjewelz: From my own experiences, I know sometimes when women try to leave bad situations there is retaliation from the partner. I know for my family, it brought problems to our school and to the homes of people that helped us. So, I realize I might be extra paranoid, and while I might feel really bad for her I have to put my family first. And if it's not true, I really don't want the liability of someone else's kid just in case. I wouldn't want anything to happen or be accused of anything happening.
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Yikes, I'm so sorry that you are in this situation. That's a lot of pressure! I tend to be non-confrontational but I would just try to be a bit more standoffish and avoid her. If she brought it up again I would probably say I was sorry but I can't help.
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@psw27: I always have because she's always seemed off to me, and I've been trying even harder lately. But, she keeps finding ways to get me alone, will follow me or run to catch up to me. It's so uncomfortable.
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@Boogs: would you consider talking to the director of the school? Let her know that you are being harassed by this mom and your attempts to get her to stop are not working. She can step in and talk to the other mom.
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@Boogs: I'm so sorry... it sounds borderline creepy. Maybe you could pop headphones in or pretend you are on the phone next time you see her coming? I really hate situations like this! awkward!
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I agree with everyone else that you should stay firm and not watch her kids, even if she has a sad story. She also sounds "off" to me and I wouldnt want to get involved. Even if it's uncomfortable, it sounds like you're doing the best you can. Just keep reiterating that you're sorry, but you can't help. Is there any way you can briefly change up your schedule so that you're going to/leaving school at a different time so she can't predict when she'll be able to catch you?
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@mediagirl: Our oldest are in K, so it's a principal and not director, so for this case it might come off as super mean on my part.
@psw27: It is! Ha I hate to be on my phone during drop off and pick up, but I may need to start doing that! Whenever DH is home, the plan is to have him drop/pick up LO at least.
@Chuckles: She feels off to me. Our oldest boys are in the same K class, so unfortunately I can't get away from her.
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@Boogs: With people like this who don't take hints and are pushy, you just have to be very blunt. Blunt doesn't mean rude but you have to be firm and very concise. "It's absolutely out of the question, and I don't want you to continue asking me." Repeat it like a mantra so you are ready when the time comes, and if she pushes back, just go broken record. "I understand, unfortunately it's out of the question. I'm not comfortable with you asking me again." You can do it!
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ouch that's tricky. I would really just be honest and say that's not something that I am able to do. I'm sorry.
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@Boogs: This honestly makes me feel itchy just reading about it! I'm so sorry! I think it's one thing if someone reaches out to someone else in a desperate moment (i.e. you accidentally locked your keys in your car with your baby inside and need help ASAP) and glombing onto one specific person (stranger) in their premeditated plans to leave their mean husband.
The thing is, this lady knows you have politely have said "no" and doesn't care. She's trying to use your empathy to manipulate you. I HATE confrontation, so I totally get it but she is impacting your life. I would look her in the eye and say, "I'm sorry that you are going through this but I do not feel comfortable helping you." If she continues say, "I am not going to change my mind."I feel really really bad for her kid.
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@Jennibenni: @bubblegum: I know I can do it! I just have to practice whatever I'm going to say like a script and be ready lol! I definitely don't want to come across as super rude but I do want to be assertive about it.
@Coral: I know, I feel bad for the kids all around. If this this all true I feel bad, and if it's not I feel bad they have a mom that's off. All around icky.
I was talking to my husband about the situation and he said he recently noticed when he does pick up or drop off that even though there were spots closer to the school, a couple of the times she has parked on our street, and not even by the corner, but a few houses down. Then she follows him with the kids, too. I'm glad we talked about this because it was news to me!
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@Boogs: You can do it! Let us know how it goes
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@boogs: I know you don't want to make things worse or feel awkward with the principal, but if this woman is following your husband and kids, too, I would say something. That is very creepy and inappropriate. I also second @jennibenni:'s advice to bluntly say, please don't ask me again.
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@Boogs: yeah. I wouldn't do that with the Principal. I would put my foot down, though. She needs to hear you say, No. I can't. I'm sorry, my life is too crazy to help right now. I'm sorry. Please stop asking (if she continues after you say the first part).
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@Boogs: ok social worker in me coming out but she might be in a really bad situation at home (im thinking domestic violence) and if he is cutting out access to her ATM, he probably has made her cut ties with family and friends, so you may be the only resource available to her. not to pressure you or to expect your to contribute in anyway (i dont know if i would want to get involved honestly either, if it puts myself or kids at risk) but i would maybe scope out the story more and maybe give her some DV resources if it seems to be heading into that direction.....
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@stargal: Oh she straight up told me she feels like he can be emotionally and verbally abusive. She said he's never hit her or anything, but will do things like bump her body with his when she's not looking. I didn't want to say too much here, but I'm probably going to end up deleting the thread.
With the ATM thing it was weird because a different day she told me I should see her place, she's been decorating more. She also said something similar, so it was like is he taking your keys and ATM or not?
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I had to end a relationship with our former sitter and she was not getting the hint after weeks of politely trying to give her a graceful out so we had to have a "break up" chat. I totally get how awkward it is - my sitter always had some story about something awful going on.
Very kindly, very evenly tell her "I am so very sorry you are in this situation, but I am not comfortable with my family being put in this position. I do not wish for my children to be involved for their safety. This type of behavior you're describing about your husband is outside my knowledge or experience, so I really think you should speak to a family law attorney who can probably direct you to the right resources and make sure you get the right legal protections in place."
Then after that, whatever she says, just say "I'm truly very sorry, but my answer is no."
Is she religious? Churches usually have experience dealing with these situations and may offer her resources.
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@Boogs: I think you should go to the principal. The principal is a mandated reporter and has the resources and training to deal with these kinds of issues. You do not.
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@gingerbebe: Oh man that is awkward. She has talked about a local church she likes to go to. Not sure that is where she found counseling she talked about.
@petitenoisette: A mandated reporter for the kids, but she hasn't said anything to be that I feel like the principal should technically report for the kids. If I knew he was hurting the kids, I would have called the appropriate services myself in a heartbeat. Talking to the principal feels out of place for what this is. If it got to the point where she just showed up to my house (I never gave her my address), then there would definitely be a conversation with the proper people.
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42 comments