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Beyond Miscarriage Support, v2.

  1. Nutella

    persimmon / 1045 posts

    @MaryM: you're amazing. Let yourself be sad...and totally lean on your DH - it sounds like he is strong enough to look after you ps: I hope you feel better after a sleep, I find that mo matter how awful and grumpy I'm feeling during the day/evening...I do cheer up a little bit in the morning. Somehow!

  2. Nutella

    persimmon / 1045 posts

    @catlady: hello, so sorry to hear about your losses I can understand feeling angry this time, especially when all those around you seem to be pregnant or having new babies. It can be such an isolating time, so make sure you find someone to speak to...I find talking to friends or family who aren't in the baby zone are quite good. I can't deal with pregnant friends right now, and it has been nearly three months since my d&c.

    Also, I already have one LO, but I still acutely felt this pain...so I definitely think you should allow yourself time to grieve. Luckily (?) I'm currently staying at home so I can process a lot of this privately, and I've had a few days of binge tv and chocolate to get me through. Not actually recommending sugar bingeing though, I'm on a much-needed detox soon - haha. I just felt like whatever needs to be done to get through the day with a super active toddler!! I'm actually going to speak to a counsellor specialising in post-mc loss next week. I'm looking forward to speaking with a neutral source about everything - I need to take some of the burden off DH. My family are overseas and don't really know how much this has affected me so I can't really talk to them which is a bit sad.

    Anyway, hope you aren't here too long!

  3. Nutella

    persimmon / 1045 posts

    @jaguar: how are you going today? This limbo must be awful - I can't believe its a year to the day to last year! I am no expert but I don't think you should count yourself out yet. Hope you're doing something distracting today!

  4. jaguar

    pomegranate / 3764 posts

    @Nutella: Fainter line today. Preparing for the worst for tomorrow's bloods.

  5. Crystal

    grapefruit / 4028 posts

    @jaguar: I am so sorry, Friend. I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!

    I've been avoiding HB for awhile. I just started the cycle we can start TTC again, and I am having a lot of feelings about it. I'm still working through our loss and still incredibly sad.

  6. AprilFool

    nectarine / 2591 posts

    @jaguar:

    @Crystal: We are starting to TTC this cycle too and I hear you on the feelings.

  7. noelani

    olive / 58 posts

    I hope it's all right if I post on this board, I follow it but have never posted since my loss was not technically a miscarriage (TFMR).

    @MaryM: I am so sorry about your difficult day, it sounds so similar to many days I have had at work since our loss. I know I've mentioned this on other threads, but I also felt like I'd taken too much time off so tried to power through at work even on the toughest days. But you've been through so much recently and to have the flu on top of everything else? It's just too much. Even if you can't miss work I hope you're finding ways to cut yourself some slack.

    And thank you for mentioning Empty Cradle, Broken Heart. I think I'll try to find that - I just finished reading Elizabeth McCracken's An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination about her stillbirth experience and am waiting for Amazon to deliver Carol Lanham's Pregnancy After a Loss (we will be TTCing in two weeks and I'm extremely anxious about it).

    @catlady: I'm so sorry for your losses I also had a family wedding a few weeks ago and I did NOT handle it well at all - the strain of having to act like I'm fine when I'm still, 6 months later, definitely NOT fine, was just too much for me. Especially when a pregnant family friend started making her way towards me... I snatched up DS and straight-up bolted out of the reception. And your thoughts about October do not sound crazy at all! But I can understand your perspective - I've been embarrassed to share some of the thoughts I've had about our loss for fear that other's will think I'm completely nuts...

    @Nutella: I'm glad you have an appointment to see a counselor! My counselor and I specifically talked about how our sessions are an opportunity for me to unload all of my grief and anxiety around our loss to help take the burden off of DH. A neutral outlet can be really helpful

    @jaguar: I posted on your other thread, but I'm holding onto hope for you

  8. MaryM

    pomelo / 5129 posts

    Thank you guys for your support yesterday. DH ended up getting off a little early (or taking off, I'm not sure exactly which it was) so at least he got home while I was still awake. I think this week was just sort of meant to be a shitty week, but at least we'll get to spend some time together tomorrow (although it won't be fun. at all). I have a follow up in the morning and am fearing a TV ultrasound to check on my cyst (I so don't want to see my empty uterus) and then we're heading out to my hometown to have the grave marker for Gigi installed.

  9. LCTBQE

    nectarine / 2461 posts

    @Silva: that is a wildly strange chart, but this is your first cycle after your mc, right? I know you know, but that cycle (where CD1 is the miscarriage) is famously irregular and I think many women don't bother charting until the second one just for this reason. I took a FRER on CD18 of that cycle, and it came back positive right away; I took another one right after my first real period and it was negative--my understanding is that until the hormones have cleared out after the first real period, they *hugely* affect your temps. If you look at FF and search for charts with the after a miscarriage tag, there are so many like this one. So maybe your body is just doing what it's supposed to do and everything is okay, even though that sounds trite. I know how frustrating the time waste is, though.

  10. Nutella

    persimmon / 1045 posts

    @noelani: good luck for ttc prep! I can understand how it must be bringing up emotions for you...hopefully it's not too bad, if I can even say that! Hugs!

  11. jaguar

    pomegranate / 3764 posts

    God, I hate limbo.

    We are going to lose this pregnancy, I can feel it. But instead of numbers dropping, they're crawling upwards but not enough to be comfortably viable. I am FURIOUS.

  12. Nutella

    persimmon / 1045 posts

    @jaguar: hugs lady. I really can't imagine what you're going through, it is a pretty cruel wait I can imagine. Definitely come here to vent if you need to though, so many people here sending support. 💙

  13. AprilFool

    nectarine / 2591 posts

    @jaguar: That is so incredibly unfair and frustrating.

  14. MaryM

    pomelo / 5129 posts

    @jaguar: we love you. Keep us updated even if it's just to spew your anger.

    To make things even more fun and less stressful today, I got zero sleep last night and am cramping. Heading to my follow up in a couple hours and hoping they can tell me if its ovulation, a period starting, or (I hope not) a cyst forming on the other side. I've had TONS of mucous this week but I've been on tons of guaifenesin for my sickness, and it's been a strange color (like, fleshy?). No idea if that's normal lochia or my body actually trying to function...

  15. Nutella

    persimmon / 1045 posts

    @MaryM: oh sorry to hear you couldn't sleep - is that a stress related thing? It makes the days harder when you are sleep deprived too. Good luck for the follow up - hope you get some more answers.

  16. Silva

    cantaloupe / 6017 posts

    @MaryM: thinking of you today.

    @jaguar: I'm sorry, that is incredibly frustrating.

  17. MaryM

    pomelo / 5129 posts

    @Nutella: I assume it was anxiety? No clue. I took NyQuil so I should have slept more

  18. catlady

    grapefruit / 4988 posts

    @jaguar: I'm so so sorry. What a terrible and frustrating situation to be in.

    @MaryM: I hope you get some answers soon (and some sleep!). Thinking of you.

    @Silva: I just saw your other post about your weird cycle. Is this your first one post-mc? I am not tracking mine this time because that happened to me after the last one and it drove me crazy. If it helps to know, after I got AF, mine went back to normal (and I conceived my LO two months later).

  19. Silva

    cantaloupe / 6017 posts

    @catlady: it is, I know it's kind of normal for it to be so...abnormal. I'm just anxious for my period to come promptly so that we can start TTC again. Feels like wasted time to just be stuck in limbo, you know?

  20. MaryM

    pomelo / 5129 posts

    No new answers from the doctor. Except that I guess my D&c wasn't totally necessary. They looked at what came out and there was no tissue. Just clots. So we could have just waited to see if the bleeding let up. Oh well. Hopefully it helped it end sooner?

    Once I have a cycle I'll track she'll test my hormone levels and clotting factors.

    The damn cyst is still there, just a tiny bit smaller. And she guessed my mucous is from my cycle trying to regulate. Could be either ovulation or AF arriving. I'll follow up in two months.

    And Our Gigi's grave marker was installed today. She's buried with my dad on the edge of the cemetery under the most beautiful trees. There was just enough of a breeze so that orange and red leaves drifted slowly past us as we stood there.

    I think there's some closure with that. Now she can't be forgotten.



  21. jaguar

    pomegranate / 3764 posts

    @MaryM: She could never be forgotten. Love, love, love.

  22. AprilFool

    nectarine / 2591 posts

    @MaryM: *hugs* That must of been incredibly hard. She will never be forgotten. Those leaves are lovely, wish we had leaves like that in Queensland!

  23. Nutella

    persimmon / 1045 posts

    @MaryM: how beautiful. Of course she will never be forgotten.

  24. noelani

    olive / 58 posts

    @MaryM:

  25. jaguar

    pomegranate / 3764 posts

    We've lost this one too, guys. Just add another loss to our tally. I feel stupid for hoping, for wondering if we might just get our rainbow baby, or a miracle.

  26. Nutella

    persimmon / 1045 posts

    @jaguar: hi again, I'm so, sorry to hear this. I really don't know what to say but just wanted to wish lots of healing thoughts. Don't feel stupid for hoping

  27. T.H.O.U.

    wonderful clementine / 24134 posts

    @jaguar: sending hugs and love. Also wanted to say it's not stupid to be hopeful. Each baby and pregnancy deserves to be celebrated. Someday you will have an outside baby. Keep the hope. Mourn the loss.

  28. catlady

    grapefruit / 4988 posts

    @jaguar: I'm so sorry. Please don't feel stupid for hoping. Sending thoughts and hugs. I hope you are doing ok today.

  29. MaryM

    pomelo / 5129 posts

    @jaguar: If we don't have hope, what do we have?

    Love you...

  30. MaryM

    pomelo / 5129 posts

    Totally cross posting this from another IF group I'm in, but I wanted to see if anyone here had further advice (or just good thoughts for me this weekend)...

    This is probably going to get long, so hold on.

    Backstory, I have two siblings, a brother and a sister. But my sister left home as a teen. Meanwhile, my brother (in college) started dating his now-wife, who filled in the role that I think a sister is supposed to have. We shared a room when she visited, and when I was in college I'd visit them and stay with her. So as I start this, I want it to be clear that I love her dearly.

    My SIL and I have now been pregnant together twice. And both times I've lost the baby. This time I think it's even harder because we were due within two weeks of each other. And I think it's harder because the first loss was early. I hadn't yet known what it was like to look pregnant or feel the baby move. Needless to say, this time it's been SO MUCH harder to see pregnant people and not get angry/sad/jealous/whatever. Not necessarily AT them...but just angry that I don't have what I SHOULD to have and jealous that they still have their little ones with them and know they're safe.

    My SIL really wanted to visit me after my loss, but it became clear to me at the burial that this time was different and I wasn't comfortable being around her. And I honestly HATE that...but can't stop it. I was able to turn her away easily saying that I needed time to process things on my own. My mom had stayed with us for nearly the entire time I was home. I wanted time alone before I went back to work.

    Now, it's been weeks since most people other than DH will randomly check in on me and see how I'm doing. EXCEPT for my SIL. And it was the same way last time. Although she's superfertile (she's pregnant with her 9th), she did have a miscarriage and knows how hard it can be. And I think because of that she's in tune enough to know that the grief doesn't fade away quickly. So again, she's the sister I think I was supposed to have.

    I don't think I can just avoid her and make excuses anymore. My 11 year old niece has a table at their church bazaar this weekend and really wants me to come. And I want to be there for her. But it's a few hours away so it wouldn't make sense for me not to spend a night.

    So I guess the point of all this... thoughts and prayers?

    I also have social anxiety and have been doing my best to avoid children and pregnant people (let's be honest, I've pretty much avoided all women with children under the age of 5). Now I'll be subjecting myself to 8 children and a woman due when I'm supposed to be...

    I'll also accept any advice on how to handle the situation as graciously as possible. I've told my mom how difficult it is to be around pregnant people, so I'm hoping she'll sort of be my "out" if I need one. I'll be staying at my mom's house, but it's literally attached to my brothers (they share a deck, it's like a MIL suite).

    I'm also forcing myself to go hoping to make Thanksgiving less awkward. We always go there for thanksgiving and I haven't been too fond of the holiday since last year...

    Sorry for that total emotional dump...

  31. AprilFool

    nectarine / 2591 posts

    @MaryM: So it's probably going to suck but since you have to face her at some point, now is probably a good time. I think you are being brave to do it now. Just be kind to yourself and feel how you need to, I am sure she will understand it is hard for you.

  32. Nutella

    persimmon / 1045 posts

    @MaryM: hugs! I think there will never be a good time for seeing her properly the first time following your loss...so if you are keen to sustain the close bond (which it sounds like you appreciate and benefit from), now is possibly as good a time as any. I would definitely take it easy though, can you also take a book/music/crochet to busy yourself with in some breaks from everyone, perhaps?! I know I love seeing family on holiday, but I always need to have my getaway space to just be by myself.

    This has got to be super tough though. And I feel your pain, it's like you're just angry at the situation! I have a dear friend (but only relatively new) that is due within weeks of my loss and I think we've had a mutual falling out since I told her. There has been zero contact from her and I'm not compelled to chase her...sad but I'm just trying to protect myself!

    Good luck with your weekend!

  33. MaryM

    pomelo / 5129 posts

    I was so focused on seeing my SIL...I forgot about having to face my mother's church friends.

    I know I'll be bombarded with either the head tilt (which I hate) or run into people who haven't heard about our loss yet. As if "simple" social anxiety wasn't bad enough... ugh!

  34. catlady

    grapefruit / 4988 posts

    @MaryM: Hugs. You are in a tough situation. Have you spoken with your SIL about any of your feelings? Maybe it would help you just to get it out there. Or maybe just tell her that you're happy to visit but will also be taking some time out for yourself. Maybe you could schedule some quick shopping or coffee shop breaks to get away. Good luck! You are being very strong.

  35. MaryM

    pomelo / 5129 posts

    @catlady: I haven't talked to her, but I'm considering doing it if I feel like I need to while I'm out there.

    Part of the hard part is that there is no such thing as "quick" breaks away...they live in a fairly rural area 30 miles from the closest town. Once you're there, you're sort of there! But I've made some plans with my niece that should help me get away (though the other kids will probably be banging down my mom's door to be included too!). I put jamberry wraps on my niece when she visited last month so I told her I'd host a facebook party so she could see all the wraps and pick some out, so I plan to have her do that at my mom's. We'll see.

    I think this is sort of a "rip off the bandaid" situation for me. I just have to get it done and stop dwelling on it.

    But I've been sure to ration the xanax I got after the birth so I have some available this weekend! lol

  36. MaryM

    pomelo / 5129 posts

    In other news, I'm breaking out like a 12 year old girl over here. I would LOVE to know what my body is attempting to do...

  37. jaguar

    pomegranate / 3764 posts

    @MaryM: Ripping the bandaid off sounds good. I was like that with my SIL (who was pregnant alongside me when I lost Noah) - it's hell and it's heartbreaking, but you just pull out the strength to keep going. And if you break down, that's ok too. The people who love you will understand.

    *hugs*

    Waiting to miscarry here. A special form of torture.

  38. Nutella

    persimmon / 1045 posts

    @jaguar: really hoping you don't have to wait much longer

  39. MaryM

    pomelo / 5129 posts

    @jaguar: Hugs to you too...

  40. Nutella

    persimmon / 1045 posts

    Pretty sure I'm out this cycle (second after d&c) and feeling generally pretty shit. Think I might have to take a break from the boards as I've become very preoccupied with the idea of getting pregnant which is making the BFNs all that much harder. I don't really know what the plan will be next few cycles...next cycle I am out of town during half our FW so I don't expect much to come from it. blah. Hugs to everyone who is also having rough days this week

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