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Beyond Miscarriage Support, v2.

  1. Jessiemuller88

    clementine / 973 posts

    @Autumnmama79: thank you for sharing your experiences. I keep telling myself it’s not my fault, but I can’t help thinking it is, because my body is failing to sustain my pregnancies.

    I have really tried to maintain hope too. Every time I get pregnant I think, this is the one... but with every loss, I get further away from thinking one will ever stick.

    My parents watched my son last night, so DH and I had time to go to dinner then binge watch our favorite show. It was nice. I know everything gets better with time, but I think my fear of loss will always be with me, and that just sucks.

  2. Chuckles

    persimmon / 1483 posts

    @Jessiemuller88: I'm so, so sorry that you are going through this. We have almost identical stories. I've had 4 consecutive losses since last April also. 3 have been pretty early 4-5 weeks, and one was a blighted ovum MMC and I had a D&C at 10 weeks. In terms of coping and support, have you shared with any friends or family? How is your DH doing and how is his support for you? Are you able to send your son to childcare and take a day off?
    In terms of coping, I am doing relatively ok, I guess. I am trying to stay busy, but just right under the surface I'm kind of an emotional mess when I think about it or someone asks about it. The few things that have helped me: (and sorry for the novel)
    1 - I took a day off from work each for the 3rd and 4th miscarriages. I'd already missed time for doctors appointments, but I decided that I didn't care. I did share with my supervisor what's going on, and she's been very understanding. Obviously finding out about a miscarriage is devastating, but I find that the start of the physical loss (i.e. bleeding) is emotionally almost harder, so the days I've taken off has been when that starts.
    2 - I saw some research about women who get pregnant pretty easily but have recurrent losses. Their explanation was that endometrial lining in typical women shows some preference for implanting genetically normal fertilized eggs, whereas women with frequent pregnancies and losses will kind of just let anything implant. For some reason that made me feel better. Like, instead of just getting bfn's for months, I'm getting early bfp's and then an early loss - kind of trying to equate the 2 in my mind.
    3- Telling friends and family has been a mixed bag. I'm glad that people know because I was so tired of pretending like everything is great when it's not. Plus I was anxious about hearing pregnancy news and stuff like that from friends. So that's been positive. However, for some bizarre reason, I'm the only one of my close friends (5 other women) who has had any losses. And my mom hasn't either. So even though they want to be supportive, it just makes me feel more alone. Plus they ask insensitive questions or make insensitive comments. My favorite has been my friend who said, "wow, you got pregnant 4 times in 1 year. You must be having a lot of sex." I didn't even know how to respond to that.
    4- Trying to focus on our DS and stay busy. I teach kids with severe autism, so I'm trying to focus on being grateful for having one healthy awesome kid. My supervisor actually shared with me that she had 2 losses when she was younger, that relationship ended, and she didn't end up meeting someone else. She's in her early 50's now and really regrets not having kids. So I'm just trying to be happy to have the one. And I really can't wrap my head around accepting that he might be an only child yet, but I'm keeping it in the back of my mind.
    I don't know if this will help but I wanted to share that you are definitely not alone. @pachamama:, @crazydoglady:, and @bhbee: have been really supportive on here for me - and that's been another thing that has been very helpful, especially because I don't really have anyone in real life who gets it. Feel free to post more if you need to vent or get support. I'm thinking of you!

  3. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    @Jessiemuller88: @Chuckles: hi ladies, wanted to come and give you both a huge virtual hug. four losses of any kind is just brutal. I hate that this happens, it is just so unfair.

    @Jessiemuller88: I know I'm not in that moment anymore, but thought I would add my own responses in case it's helpful. I've written various parts of this up on many boards so you may have seen it already!

    1) our story - we had two earlier losses, baby, two earlier losses, baby, 11w loss with D&C, baby. I'm not really in the get pregnant easily camp so there was some IF treatment in there too, and all the recurrent loss testing. I think that's worth doing, even if it finds nothing it may rule some things out. in our case we never found anything, and the RE's take was that while we don't have any known issues, there is probably something beyond testing that causes us to not make as many genetically normal embryos. I found it helpful to frame it that way (in terms of not blaming yourself - it's not your body failing to hold onto the pregnancy - a genetically abnormal pregnancy can't work and that DNA material came from both of you). So for us, we suspected it was a numbers game, and had to decide how much we could take. That was really hard to decide upfront - I think it's more, let's do this for now and then reassess.

    2) I can't really answer this not being ttc now, but I can tell you that loss messed up a whole lot of time in my past. The year of my last loss in 2017 was so hard, especially as I continued to see BFNs after and my SIL was pregnant at the exact same time (due dates a month apart). I felt so, completely alone in real life. I only had one friend who knew and she couldn't relate. My family knew but they couldn't relate at all, no losses. Truthfully I think it distanced me from my mom in a way. DH of course knew more than anyone, but it didn't hit him in the same way at all, not even close. I cried a lot, especially when my hormones were still coming down (for my last loss, it started to get a lot better after my first return period 6w later - still sad but felt more in control of it). I sometimes struggled to be there for my older kids - I felt guilty for even feeling sad when I had two older kids - but in hindsight now, I just did what I could and the kids barely noticed.

    3) I kind of answered this above about testing, the RE I was seeing while trying for #2 suggested IVF w/ PGS to maximize our chances, but that was when we lived in MA and had the IF coverage mandate on our insurance. I'd already done some things like clomid and IUI by then.

    4) Honestly a lot of the time I just hung on. I remember on another loss support post, us talking about songs that helped (sometimes, just something that makes you get some tears and emotion out, or helps you feel connected to a lost or future baby). I have a private blogger page that I use as a journal - because writing really helps me process things, and it was more than I wanted to share even on here! The absolute biggest though - especially feeling like no one in real life understood - was finding support here on HB. We had a small group going through it together and we vented together and lifted each other up. It can be so so hard . . . know that there are people here for you. Your situation breaks my heart because there are many sad days burned into my soul and I hate for anyone else to feel that or worse. Loss changes you, it changes how you will feel about any future pregnancies, but at least here there are people who will understand.

    Many rambles there but so much to you

  4. karenbme

    persimmon / 1409 posts

    @Jessiemuller88: My story is similar to yours, three losses in 11 months—1 missed miscarriage at 10 weeks and 2 ectopic. It’s really hard, and I definitely went through a period of blaming myself/my body. The only advice I have for that is to try your best to be kind to yourself. It may not happen again for you or at all for me, but we didn’t do anything to cause it and can’t do anything to prevent another, which I know is so scary. I think being open about it has been really helpful for me. The expectation that pregnancy loss is suffered silently is crazy to me. When else would a grieving family be told to keep their sadness in?? So pretty much everyone I hang out with on a regular basis and most of my coworkers know. It’s been really helpful in that I have people showing up for me in ways I never expected. There have been the ignorant comments that some people make like, “at least you know you can get pregnant,” or “everything happens for a reason.” But even those come from a good place and most people are supportive. I also have been seeing a therapist, which has helped with some of the PTSD-like stress symptoms—sleeplessness, panic attacks, etc—because she’s able to give me concrete strategies for that sort of stuff. I would also second taking time off work if/when you need it. I went to a really dark place after my second loss, and didn’t really break out of it until I took a week off work with no plans over the summer. We’re always trying to do so much, there’s value to just giving yourself a break.

    I hope that helps. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. 💗💗

  5. Chuckles

    persimmon / 1483 posts

    I think the hardest thing for me right now, besides just generally being sad about the miscarriages and fear of trying again - is thinking about what IF treatment we want to try and when we will say, enough. (this is particularly because I'll be 39 next month) I think we're the same way as @bhbee: we'll try this for now and then reassess. I hope that at some point the time to stop feels clear. I'm torn between trying to go right to IVF with PGD (because our RE thinks we have a 75% of getting a healthy pregnancy this way) or trying Femara and continuing to hope for the best. I'm nervous about more losses, but especially about having a later loss or having a genetically abnormal embryo stick and having to decide about TFMR. Even though IVF is covered under our insurance (thank goodness), the PGD part is not and could cost up to $6K for everything. These types of decisions are definitely my biggest stressor right now.

  6. Jessiemuller88

    clementine / 973 posts

    @Chuckles: I’m so sorry you are going through this too. I have shared with my close friends and my parents. My parents try to be supportive, but like you said, will say insensitive things without meaning to. I have one other friend that has had two losses, so it has been nice being able to talk with her. DH has been supportive, like was an excellent caretaker when I really needed him. But he doesn’t talk about it really, and I know he doesn’t feel the same grief I feel. What about your DH?

    That research actually makes me feel a lot better when thinking of it from that perspective. Sorry some of you friends are insensitive. I experienced a similar comment from my co-worker. The last time I told her I was pregnant she said, “AGAIN?” No comment from me.

    I too, feel so thankful for my DS, but it is also hard for me to wrap my mind around only 1 child. Thank you for your reassurance about not being alone. It feels that way a lot lately.

  7. Jessiemuller88

    clementine / 973 posts

    @bhbee: @karenbme: reading your stories ladies is so therapeutic to me. I appreciate y’all being so open and all of your advice. It sucks we all know what this roller coaster feels like.

    I having been seeing a RE too with no real answers. We did all the recurrent loss testing, and all that came up was a borderline positive for APA, a blood clotting disorder. It’s so hard not knowing what will happen in the future.

  8. Jessiemuller88

    clementine / 973 posts

    I teach 3rd Grade and my son goes to childcare at my school. I have already used all my days this year, and it’s almost more stressful to miss because I have to make sub plans. I do need some time off, but I just can’t take it. We get MLK holiday, so I’ll get a 3 day weekend soon.

    Having this community has helped me so much already. Thank you ladies ❤

  9. pachamama

    nectarine / 2433 posts

    @Jessiemuller88: confession, I very consistently stalk the POAS boards 😬 so I know all about what's been happening and it really hurts my heart for you. Kinda like what @chuckles was saying, it's interesting about some women (my best friend and 2 girls in my mom FB group) get pregnant suuuuuper easily then have lots of early losses. If it's any comfort, they both carried their babies to term recently when things looked very very dismal for them.
    I am a teacher too so I do empathize with the sub plan conundrum. Ack. I wish you could take time off and let yourself mourn ... I would think I was ok working working staying busy etc then after school if I ever had a few blessed/cursed minutes I would SOB and SOB and I was like oh dayummm I am not over this! It went on for a while 😥 When you work and have a kid there is no time to let yourself break down. But let yourself hurt. And then heal. We are here for you.

  10. pachamama

    nectarine / 2433 posts

    @Jessiemuller88: and I truly, TRULY believe you will have another child.

  11. Jessiemuller88

    clementine / 973 posts

    @pachamama: thank you so much. I’m so sorry you have been through this too. It’s awful. I know exactly how that feels. I find the one spot I can cry and let it all out is the shower. It’s so hard to try and heal + keep it all together for work and family. Thank you for believing in my future as well. I need that.

  12. SweetCaroline

    pear / 1718 posts

    There are so many strong, amazing women here, I'm hoping to get a few ideas. A week ago I had a D&C at 9-1/2 weeks, the baby was measuring 6 weeks and we never saw a heartbeat. This is after combined 6 months of trying and another 7 months of TTC put on hold due to a medical issue.

    I feel sad (of course) and angry too. My days are back to normal, but I still struggle some. DH is very supportive but more so quietly as he doesn't know what to say. I also have a lot of guilt for feeling sad and angry. After all, I have a healthy 4 year old. What we've been through in pursuing baby #2 is nothing compared to many. I'm also disappointed in the lack of family support. My dad has said nothing because he doesnt know what to say. DH's mom and sister have both had a miscarriage but neither has bothered to even send a text.

    I want to move on, I know everyone handles rhings differently. I've started journalling and that is helpful when I do it. I'm also focusing on making a lot of fun plans. I think we will wait 3 months or at least until I am damn sure my cycle is back to normal, as being certain of my dates helped me accept the loss this time around. Waiting also makes me upset.

    I'm open to going to counseling but I've continued to see vast improvement just over the last few days. Wondering what you have all found helpful. Thank you in advance

  13. skinnycow

    pear / 1728 posts

    @SweetCaroline: I'm so sorry you don't feel supported - unfortunately your experience is very similar to mine. I had a few family members check in immediately after my D&C but never asked about it again. It was really hard for me because I wanted to talk about the baby we lost but I didn't want to make people feel uncomfortable.

    I don't have great advice on what helped because I struggled for a long time and ultimately the only thing that helped me to heal was having a healthy (so far) pregnancy. I think counseling is a great idea if you need someone to talk to. I hope taking time away from TTC and making plans helps

  14. Autumnmama79

    pear / 1703 posts

    @SweetCaroline: Im sorry for your recent loss Just one week ago, it must still feel so fresh for you. I really beat myself up a lot after MC 1 and MC 2 even more so. The only thing that helped me was time. Time to heal from the loss and the missing and the fear and worry about the future. I did see a counsellor at the hospital that was specifically trained in miscarriage and fertility issues. It helped just to be able to say all I that wanted to say to someone who I had no other attachments to. Even seeing her the one time was helpful.

    Good on you for starting the journaling! I'm currently going through a very difficult time in my life and have started a daily gratitude list. I simply write in the notes in my phone at the end of the day and make a list of all the things I'm grateful that day. It does help some with my happiness levels.

    Big hugs to you as you navigate this challenging time.

  15. periwinklebee

    grapefruit / 4466 posts

    @SweetCaroline: I'm really sorry

    What helped me the most was just my hormones getting back to normal. Once my cycle had normalized, things were much better. I was still sad about it, and still worried about not being able to have the baby I desperately wanted, but once the hormonal part was out of the equation, things were so much better After my first period post d&C was like night and day...

  16. karenbme

    persimmon / 1409 posts

    @SweetCaroline: I’m so sorry you’re going through this, and feel like you don’t have the support you need. Unfortunately, that has been the case for me as well. I want to talk about the loss, but there are several people who even referring to “when I was pregnant...” makes them visibly uncomfortable. And others, especially my in-laws who went full radio silence on us at a time when we really needed people. I would echo what others have said about waiting for hormones to regulate, which for me has taken about 6 weeks each time. And also just making sure to get out of the house, either with friends who know what’s going on or just with DH. It was really easy for me to just cocoon after my losses, and that wasn’t healthy all the time. I also worked with a therapist who specializes in reproductive issues, and that was helpful but I’m not sure if it was necessary. It was also really important to find the right therapist, which took some trial and error.

    I hope you’re able to find what you need and take the time to heal. I know this isn’t an easy process but this community is here for you. ❤

  17. SweetCaroline

    pear / 1718 posts

    @skinnycow: @Autumnmama79: @periwinklebee: @karenbme: Thank you for sharing and for your support. I need to give myself grace and ride out the next 4-6 weeks until my hormones level out.

    We were going to announce our pregnancy at Easter celebrations with family. I've decided I'm going to give myself significant grace this weekend to feel how I feel and also be honest if family asks how I am.

    I also had a long talk (cry) with DH last night. I explained to him that I needed to make action plans on various things because the one thing that I so badly want to plan (a baby) is out of our control. There are some house projects he has been delaying and he now understands how important it is to me that we identify next steps and accomplish something where we can.

    @Autumnmama79: Thinking of you as you navigate the difficult waters you're facing.

  18. JennyPenny

    nectarine / 2458 posts

    @SweetCaroline: I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a TFMR three weeks ago now and it has definitely been a struggle to find the people who are there for me and those who aren't. I was surprised at how many people choose to say nothing because they don't know what to say. We were 14 weeks when we terminated and had told friends and family at 8 weeks so everyone close to use knew what happened. The thing that has helped me the most is I have 1 good friend who will talk to me about it. She'll let me cry when things come up, she'll let me rant about other people being insensitive, she'll ask questions and talk about it as though it's a sad thing but not something to be swept under the rug and forgotten about. It sounds like not many people knew you were pregnant, but I wonder if you have a friend who could do that for you? I suspect that's a role a therapist fills but I haven't tried it myself. Sending you so much love as you navigate this - it really, really sucks.

  19. Autumnmama79

    pear / 1703 posts

    @SweetCaroline:

  20. Autumnmama79

    pear / 1703 posts

    @SweetCaroline: how are you feeling today?

  21. Jessiemuller88

    clementine / 973 posts

    @SweetCaroline: I am so sorry you are going through this. I think what helped me the most was like other ladies said, time and hormonal balance. I was an emotional wreck after my miscarriages but found that I felt a lot better after I started a new cycle. I also take time to write down small things I’m thankful for and that also puts life into perspective for me. One day I just woke up feeling better. I hope the same happens for you soon. Be easy on yourself. The first few weeks are so hard.

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