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Beyond Miscarriage Support, v2.

  1. MaryM

    pomelo / 5129 posts

    @Nutella: hugs to you too

    Speaking of rough days... I innocently went to re enroll for insurance... Had to say no, I don't have dependents to add and no, I don't need pretax dependent care.

    Then I realized my first shower was supposed to be this weekend

    Then I got home to the hospital bill.

    And DH is closing tonight, so no hugs or comforting for me until like 3 am...

  2. Silva

    cantaloupe / 6017 posts

    @Nutella: @MaryM: Sorry for the tough days.

    My period finally returned today. I was so happy for about 10 minutes, and then quite suddenly and dramatically filled with anxiety and dread about TTC again. trying to relax and not get too hung up on planning everything, which is how I usually cope with anxiety (and can be crushing when plans fall apart).

  3. Nutella

    persimmon / 1045 posts

    @MaryM: aww, that's super crappy. Can't even imagine with the hospital bill added on top of it all. I'm so sorry! Hope 3am comes quickly!

    @Silva: totally feel your pain. How do you really feel about ttc again right now? I think initially I wasn't quite ready (but of course would have taken a bfp if it came up), but as time passes I find myself more ready...but then will get angry at the situation and then just say I don't even want to try anymore?! It's a confusing and challenging time, that's for certain. I'm going to have to learn to dig deep though - imagine if I have months of this ahead of me I'll need some reserves! Wishing you strength!

  4. AprilFool

    nectarine / 2591 posts

    @MaryM: That day blows! I am sorry the universe keeps piling it on.

    @Nutella: Am sorry it is not your cycle. It is very easy to get consumed by ttc, it is understandable you need a break *hugs*

    @Silva: The one time you're might be happy to see your period. The only thing that might help with the anxiety is embracing it maybe? It's not surprising we all feel anxious after what we have experienced.

  5. Silva

    cantaloupe / 6017 posts

    @Nutella: Honestly, I feel like its the only thing thats going to "help" at this point. I want to DO something? Perhaps is not the healthiest approach, but I really do feel pretty "at peace" with the loss, and just anxious to move on. I just know that I've really gotten it into my head that we will get pregnant right away again, and that if/when we don't I will be crushed (possibly more than I felt with the miscarriage). I'm not sure why.

  6. Chuckles

    persimmon / 1464 posts

    Resurrecting this thread because today is just, ugh. I'm literally still bleeding from having a D&C on Friday, and I just found out that my SIL is getting induced today (a couple weeks early). I'm of course happy and excited for them, but I know I'm going to be expected to visit them and meet the baby at the hospital on Friday, and I'm dreading it. Also, neither my mom or the 3 close friends who I told have, surprisingly, had a miscarriage, so it's hard for them to understand and be supportive in the right way. I want to be like, yeah I was just at labor and delivery a week ago, so I'm good for now.

  7. pachamama

    nectarine / 2427 posts

    @Chuckles: I have been following your story. I was so sad to read about your blighted ovum. Lots of love to you. I totally agree that people who have never had a mc really and truly DO NOT get it. They just can't. I was shocked at the reactions of lucky "non-MCers" (Oh, it wasn't meant to be/ you can try again soon/ have you considered adoption? etc) and my many, many friends who have had MCs (some with stories worse than mine). We are a tribe that has a different set of pain.
    I would say honestly, why go to the hospital? Do you really have to? I don't know about your SIL but I wasn't a fan of visitors at all, and she has zero right to be remotely mad if you don't come. Visit later when she's settled maybe?

  8. pachamama

    nectarine / 2427 posts

    Also, I am 11 months post m/c and pregnant and I'm still not over it. I will never be the same person. But it's ok. I'll be ok, ya know?
    I'm not crying. Yes I am.

  9. Chuckles

    persimmon / 1464 posts

    @pachamama: thanks for the support. I'm not crying either I was doing ok the last 2 days but today I'm a mess. My mom texted to say that my SIL and bro were on their way to the hospital and like 5 minutes later my dr called to give me the pathology report and see how I am doing. I was like, bad timing though i appreciate the check in. Plus I would think my hormone levels are dropping now so that just adds to it all.

    My family knows about the MC, so hopefully they will understand if I need time. But my mom is not the best person for support to begin with, so I'm not optimistic. I don't know if I ever replied to another one of your comments, but it is totally weird parenting after this. The main times I'm able to really focus on something else is with DS, which is good but maybe making it harder at other times. I did have the 2 weeks in limbo to start processing, but you're right, I know it will always stay with me. I keep thinking that the processing is just incorporating this into my life story, if that makes sense.

  10. skinnycow

    pear / 1728 posts

    @Chuckles: I'm really sorry

    My sister got pregnant about a month after my miscarriage and it was devastating to me. Agreed that people who haven't had a MC just don't understand... other than my physical recovery post-D&C no one asked me how i was doing so I guess people just assume you're okay immediately after.

    Also - I'm 8 months post-MC, not pregnant, and still not over it. It takes time

  11. pachamama

    nectarine / 2427 posts

    @skinnycow: I'm so sorry for your loss. Pregnancy eases the pain but it presents new challenges as you can't ever really relax ya know? I'm not the glowing, naive pregnant lady I was before. I have had a tough pregnancy mentally and not enjoying like I hoped, or like I did with my son. It sucks!! (I should mention I'm battling some depression and anxiety I can't seem to shake. There are many women doing just fine after MC!)
    @Chuckles: My mom sounds similar . (My stepmom and MIL had 2 miscarriages but by their 60s they really have come to terms with it. They were a source of consolation). My mom cried at one point to me and said, "I just didn't know it would be this bad for you!" So now (unfortunately?) she's more empathetic. It is weird having a kid after mc. It doesn't let you sulk and grieve, perhaps like you need to... I had some good days and some really tough days. I "came out" about it on Facebook 2 months after and I cried all day but it was so freeing and helped me grieve. I can't believe how many girls I knew have gone through loss! Anyway, I'm thinking of you. It absolutely does get MUCH easier. I know that much is true.

  12. Chuckles

    persimmon / 1464 posts

    @skinnycow: thanks. I'm so sorry that you had to deal with your sister being pregnant around the same time. My other SIL ( DH's sister) announced *she* was pregnant before we knew about my MC, and I thought our kids would be about 6 weeks apart in age. But she lives in a different state and we don't keep in touch closely so it's been easier for some reason. Though I have to go visit them in a few weeks, so that should be good times. Was your sister understanding of your feelings?
    My friends checked in a little during the first week to see how I was doing. But after 2 weeks of waiting I told them the MC was confirmed and I was having a D&C on Friday, and no one said anything on Friday or afterwards. I was expecting at least a text to check in, but nada. It's like they understood how to be supportive when I initially told them, but then, to them, it was over. And I get it, before this I really didn't understand how drawn out many MC's are.

  13. Chuckles

    persimmon / 1464 posts

    @pachamama: congrats on your pregnancy. I can imagine how hard it would be to manage anxiety during a pregnancy after a loss.
    My mom, without asking, told my bro and SIL about my MC (the ones who are currently in labor) and *wasnt even going to tell me that she told them*. And then when I got upset, she blamed me because I had said that I wasnt ready to talk about it so she didn't want to ask if it was ok, and she worried that my bro would be offended that I wasn't checking in more about their baby. Good times. And she wonders why I didn't want to talk about it with her.

  14. skinnycow

    pear / 1728 posts

    @pachamama: Thanks - I know it will be terrifying when I do get pregnant.

    I sometimes consider "coming out" also. Miscarriage is a such a weird thing because most people have no idea you’re going through it. I wish people talked about it more often so I commend you for posting about it!

  15. skinnycow

    pear / 1728 posts

    @Chuckles: My sister was really understanding, thankfully. It was painful for me to watch her hit milestones like seeing the heartbeat, gender ultrasound, etc. because I should’ve been doing those things too. She’s due in about 6 weeks and I’m mostly fine with her pregnancy now. I really am happy for her so I feel bad for being so negative about it…

    I think people feel awkward bringing it up and don't want to remind you about the MC (although obviously you never forget). I really appreciated people who asked me questions about it instead of pretending it never happened. Even my own parents never really discuss it and make comments about when I'm planning to have another.

  16. pachamama

    nectarine / 2427 posts

    @Chuckles: oh mom! I mean, they have our best at heart but it's like cmon.
    @skinnycow: I'm pretty open about things and one emotion I never felt was shame with the MC. I was 33 with questionable eggs and like 75% of women I know had one, so I mean, it wasn't really too shocking that I miscarried! And yes, people feel like they don't want to remind you of it, but I like to talk about it. Expressing things for me is like therapy. I go to a therapist and I always tell my husband, hmmm I *think* she's nice but I don't really know bc I *literally* talk the entire 60 minutes. 🤷

  17. skinnycow

    pear / 1728 posts

    @pachamama: That's great! I'm the opposite - I'm an introvert and pretty much never talk aboiut my emotions (other than to my husband). Probably something I should work on.

  18. pachamama

    nectarine / 2427 posts

    @skinnycow: well no, it's just how you are! You can't fight who you are.

  19. karenbme

    persimmon / 1385 posts

    Hi, ladies. Jumping in because I'm planning to start trying again in early Sept. after a miscarriage in Nov. and an ectopic pregnancy in May, and it's already causing stress/anxiety. I'm definitely not over the two losses, but I'm 34 and DH and I want 2 kids, so we kind of feel like we just need to push through, which is really rough right now, but I'm trying to remember the long game. The other thing I'm stressing about beyond another loss is that twice now I've gotten pregnant in the first month, and I have no idea how I'm going to react if it doesn't happen right away next time.

    @pachamama: Totally agree that people don't get it. I've been thinking about "coming out" and posted an article about women who've lost pregnancies right before mother's day without actually saying "I'm going through this." I don't think I've ever really been "in" though, at least with people I see on a regular basis, because for months after the first loss and about a month after the second it was on my mind every second, and if friends asked me how I was doing the losses definitely came up. I tried for a while not to talk about it, but it would have meant sequestering myself, and that seemed like the worse option. Even though I'm usually pretty introverted I needed to be around people, but also couldn't just shut the grief out.

    @Chuckles: So sorry your mom told your sister without asking. My dad and step mom did the same with pretty much my whole extended family before a big family gathering for fathers day, and in some cases it was helpful and in some cases it wasn't. I do wish they had asked if I was OK with them telling first though. The one thing it was really helpful for is giving me the freedom to say no to holding my cousin's baby without judgement, which I'm sure is what your mom was going for.

    @skinnycow: Hi, lady. Glad to see you throwing your hat back in the ring. Fingers crossed we'll be on a due date board together again soon.

  20. skinnycow

    pear / 1728 posts

    @karenbme: Glad you're getting back to TTC also! Sorry about your second loss

  21. LCTBQE

    nectarine / 2461 posts

    @Chuckles: popping in because this thread and the TTC after loss thread helped me back when I was trying for my first. I really want to encourage you to take care of yourself and not worry about what anyone in your family thinks, and not worry about what *you* think you "should" do. it doesn't matter whether or not you go to the hospital, it does matter that you emotionally recover. I know all families are different, but IMO you just do what feels good right now and don't worry about how it's going to be perceived
    Also (if it helps) on a been-there note, I remember being astonished when I accompanied my mother to her office Christmas party days after my second consecutive loss and her CO-WORKER who I had *never met* told me she was sorry about my miscarriages--livid does not even begin to describe... and in the SIL camp, that incident was literally the day after my SIL breathlessly told me she was pregnant without a single word to acknowledge that I'd just had another loss I think our moms and friends etc doing things that trigger us and are pretty inconsiderate, or not acknowledging the pain, are unfortunately par for the course, which is why my reaction is kind of "fuck the world/you be you"--it's up to you to heal yourself however feels best. hang in there.

  22. Nutella

    persimmon / 1045 posts

    @Chuckles: hello! Firstly, I’m so sorry for your loss. It sucks big time, and you’re allowed to feel like crap just know that you will feel better one day, and then worse the next...but the sun will shine again!

    I also hated having to put on a face for the world. I had to go to a baby’s birthday party the very next day & I felt physically ill. I did it and had this happysad feeling the whole time. Same with when friends due at the same would-be date had babies. I felt mostly sad and envious, but on some level happy for them (though it was hard to see that)!
    Just look after yourself and go easy. People who haven’t gone through it wont I understand, the ones who try are amazing! But the ones who brush it aside just need to be ignored. I think it’s heakthy to feel the feelings and talk it out with someone if it helps. That’s what I eventually did because I was concerned it was going to affect how I parented my firstborn. Sending you lots of strength

  23. Chuckles

    persimmon / 1464 posts

    @pachamama:, @skinnycow:, @nutella:, @lctbqe:, @karenbme: Thanks to everyone who responded. It's so good to have this place to commiserate with people who have been there. Sorry I didn't respond sooner, but we were out of town again this weekend (though it ended up being a good distraction). I'm hanging in there and my mom, shockingly, is giving me space, but I'm going to visit the new baby tonight and bringing them food. I feel bad that I'm totally dreading it, even though I know it's perfectly fine to feel that way. I'm bringing my son to meet his new cousin. I can't decide if it's going to be a good buffer or whether it will be extra heartbreaking to see him snuggle up to a baby.
    @nutella: and @pachamama: I'm thinking about doing a couple of sessions with a therapist just to help process everything. I hope it will take a little burden off my DH (who has been amazing) and give me a little support when we hopefully start trying again in a month or so.

  24. Chuckles

    persimmon / 1464 posts

    @karenbme: More than one loss in a row is just the worst. After our first really early loss in April, I thought, okay, that happens to lots of women. It was sad, but I just assumed it would be a one time thing. So to have it happen again a few months later hit a lot harder. If AF comes back in a reasonable amount of time, I'm hoping we'll be trying again in early September too!

  25. Chuckles

    persimmon / 1464 posts

    The universe is a jerk. I just went to visit my brother's baby. As I left the house, I realized that he's at the same hospital where I just had my D&C. And then, like 2 minutes later, my phone pinged and I got a notification that I had an email to let me know that my pathology results from the D&C are available online. Ugh. Though, except for a couple of things, it was easier than I thought it would be to stay in the moment and focus on them and the baby during the actual visit.

  26. pachamama

    nectarine / 2427 posts

    @Chuckles: I go to a therapist and it has been wonderful. I only wish I had started earlier. I really really needed support postpartum and it wasn't fair to throw that all on my husband- or myself.
    Glad the visit went ok. Bittersweet I'm sure 😢

  27. skinnycow

    pear / 1728 posts

    @pachamama: You inspired me to come out on Facebook and I'm so glad I did! I had several people message me to thank me for talking about it (including a couple women I haven't talked to since high school).

  28. Chuckles

    persimmon / 1464 posts

    @skinnycow: that's great that you felt comfortable posting and got a supportive response. I have been thinking of waiting until 10/15 and posting something for infant and pregnancy loss day.

  29. pachamama

    nectarine / 2427 posts

    @Chuckles: that's when I came out. it was an important milestone for my grief from my late Aug D&C. Again, I cannot believe who shared that they had had a loss. Here I was being jealous and petty ("wow, 2 perfect babies in 2 years, they must have had no problem getting pregnant" etc etc) and it was shocking to hear who had suffered - some way worse than me (my friend with 5 kids lost her first at 24w.).
    How are you?

  30. MrsJBeeG

    clementine / 787 posts

    Hi ladies. I haven’t been on here in a long time after having two early miscarriages in a row. I am now in a state where I realized in our “not trying, not preventing” that we enjoyed some BD right on top of my likely ovulation date. A week later and I’m going into a crazy - could I be? Do I want to be? I’m terrified of the thought of another miscarriage and pregnancy and I don’t even know that I am pregnant. So I got back on here and saw this thread and felt the need to say hello and there are a lot of us sadly having gone through this road. I don’t think (at least I hope not) our families mean to be insensitive - they are just thoughtless about how hard it is to experience a loss. Which is why this blog is huge. Keeping everyone in my prayers.

  31. Chuckles

    persimmon / 1464 posts

    @pachamama: It's great that you got such a good response. I'm doing okay. I'm still thinking about the MC many times a day, but I think it's getting to be less in the last few days. Seeing my DH and DS hold my SIL's baby was less upsetting than I thought it would be, so that was a relief.

    @mrsjbeeg: I can understand your anxiety! We're not going to be able to start trying again until AF comes back, and I'm already nervous about another pregnancy and MC.

  32. crazydoglady

    nectarine / 2431 posts

    @MrsJBeeG: I hope you don't mind me jumping in to say that I know many Bees who had two losses followed by a successful pregnancy (me included!) It's incredibly scary to try again but it is absolutely possible!

  33. MrsJBeeG

    clementine / 787 posts

    @crazydoglady: thank you for jumping in - it’s good to know none of us are alone. Perhaps for some it is third time is a charm. I won’t know for a week or more so I’m trying not to be worry or think too much about it.

  34. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6081 posts

    @MrsJBeeG: third time was a charm for me too! Twice actually ... both my older kids. It’s definitely different after losses and scary but I wish you all the in the world

  35. MrsJBeeG

    clementine / 787 posts

    @bhbee: your due date is right around the corner! I have been away from here for many months (needed space as well as a move half way around the world while moving into a high pace job) but have thought about you and kept praying for all good developments!

  36. Shantuck

    pear / 1767 posts

    @MrsJBeeG: Third time was a charm for me as well.

  37. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6081 posts

    @MrsJBeeG: thank you hoping to hear good news for you soon!

  38. karenbme

    persimmon / 1385 posts

    @Chuckles: Agreed that two in a row is terrible. I feel like I took it worse the first time... was blind sided after almost two months of expecting, and getting attached. The second time I was less naive and we found out sooner that something was wrong. I’m glad that you weren’t as upset as you thought you would be around the baby, and that you’ve been able to get away. I was on vacation this week, too, and it was nice. I hadn’t taken any non-pregnancy-loss-related time off in more than a year. I’ll totally echo what others have said about grief therapy, too. It’s been really helpful for me. Fingers crossed for sticky babies for both of us this fall.

    @skinnycow: Glad you found support in coming out, it really shows you who’s going to be there.

    @MrsJBeeG: The waiting is the hardest part! Sending patient vibes you’re way, and hopefully you’ll at least know more what you want when you find out the answer this time around 😉

  39. Jessiemuller88

    clementine / 973 posts

    I know this is an old thread, but I just need to get my story off my chest.

    1. What is your story? We started TTC #2 in April of 2018. Since then I’ve had a CP in June (lost at 5 weeks), a CP in August (lost at 5 weeks), an unexpected BFP in September- MMC (lost at 9 weeks), and last Monday I had an ectopic pregnancy removed from my right ovary. I was 9 weeks along and didn’t realize I was pregnant because I had a period in December. So 4 losses in 9 months.

    2. How do you feel today? So terribly sad and alone. I feel like I don’t have time to grieve. I have a 2 year old son, and I work full time, and it’s been hard to make time for myself.

    3. If you have any "next steps" what are they? I go talk to my RE in February to see what’s next. I want another child badly, but I am terrified of another loss.

    4. What coping strategies have worked the best for you? I don’t have any, and I would love some advice.

  40. Autumnmama79

    pear / 1703 posts

    @Jessiemuller88: I’m so sorry. Four in nine months is a lot to deal with. The only thing that kept me going (first & second losses were hardest for me) was to really understand that it wasn’t my fault, that helped to take the pressure off myself a bit. Also to not lose hope. After the first two losses I could still see that there was a baby coming eventually. And he did! Now, after this most recent loss, I can’t say I feel that way again.

    Big hugs to you. Between work and a toddler there is little to no downtime. Hopefully you can get away for coffee with or without a friend or a browse at the bookstore - whatever you like to do that doesn’t take up too much time.

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