Hellobee Boards

I think my milk is slowing...and somehow I think that's sadder to me than it coming in. That might be one of the few things my body has done "correctly."

We had the burial yesterday. The service itself was nice, but the reception afterward was a little overwhelming and too long.

I posted the following to Facebook to avoid any "how's the baby doing" questions in weeks to come. So far the thing that bothers me the most is people saying to stay strong. What the hell for?? Why are we so focused on people having to be strong??

@mrs bunchy: my follow up is monday. I'm hoping they'll either have answers then, or be able to tell me what testing I can have done. The doctor seemed willing to start testing me since it was our second loss.

They said the cord and placenta were rather clotted, but she'd aldo been gone for about 10 days (she must have died right after my last US) so it might have been time, not necessarily a clotting disorder

@MaryM: Your facebook post is beautiful and so is her name. Don't worry about being strong, just feel how you need to feel. I hope you get some answers on Monday.

@MaryM: that is a beautiful post - brought tears to my eyes. You're allowed to feel however you want to feel, definitely ignore any advice that isn't helpful for you.

@marym: A beautiful tribute to your baby girl. I love the priest's analogy about a comet. Blessings upon Virginia Jane in heaven although we dearly wish she was here on earth.

I hope your appointment on Monday goes well, with loving doctors and some kind of answers, & a plan for the eventual future.

There is probably nothing that sucks more than going to a follow up appointment for loss and being able to hear the Doppler next door pick up a healthy heartbeat.

Happy fucking birthday to me...

@jaguar: ugh. Thankfully our hospital has private delivery rooms and let me go home as soon as I could feel my legs again.

No answers at today's appointment. There was no virus, but we won't have all the tests back for another 6-8 weeks.

Thankfully my day got better. My mom and sister came to visit and I introduced them to adult coloring. We went to a craft store and colored all afternoon before a low key dinner out with DH (and a delicious lemon ginger martini).

Now I just have to figure out how to tell my SIL not to visit...that I'm too anxious around her. She's due 10 days after I was. This is the second time we've been pregnant together.

I love her dearly and appreciate that she keeps texting to see how I am even after others move on...but it was just really hard to be near her on Friday.

@MaryM: Oh no! Hoping you get some relief soon. Thinking of you.

About your sister-in-law, I think this is TOTALLY the time to call in reinforcements and have someone else talk to her. That's a conversation I would not be ready to have. Can you have your sister or someone explain to her that you don't feel like being around her and her pregnant belly? Certainly she'll understand that.

@MaryM: hope your d&c goes well, and you get lots of rest afterwards. Definitely let your SIL know (through someone else perhaps) that you need some space.

@jaguar: oh no! How/when will you find out for sure? Fingers crossed it's not the case!

Baby steps today. I'm wearing a prepregnancy bra with an underwire. I feel like my boobs are SO deflated...

I'm down to about 4 lbs over pre-pregnancy weight, but I feel like I still have so much tummy pudge.

I went to the grocery store by myself even though I think my mom kind of wanted to go with me. But I jut felt like I needed to do something by myself. (Mom is here until tomorrow afternoon/evening...I'm keeping her here because MIL wants to come by and I want a buffer!).

The store was ok, but I had to steer away from kids in carts a few times. And I wanted to find a card to give to DH because he's been amazing...but all the love/husband cards are by the baby cards so I didn't last long in that aisle.

But I haven't been super over emotional for a couple days. Wednesday I wrote out Gigi's story from positive pee stick to her burial. It was hard, but I wanted to get it all down before I forgot anything. Then that night C helped me pack up the ultrasound pictures, blanket I crocheted, and the few (like 3) outfits and two dolls I'd bought her.

C's been back at work full time the last two days, and it's been a lot harder than I imagined. We've both always been rather independent and it never really bothered either of us that we didn't see each other a ton. But I got really used to him being around the last week and a half and felt like I needed to be right with him. I was like counting down the time until he'd get home last night (he worked 11-9 so wasn't home until close to 10 pm.)

He's off tomorrow, but his mom is coming and a friend is coming by to help with some stuff around the house.

I feel like such a slacker for being out of work so long, but today I got a handwritten note from our president saying that he hopes I take all the time I need, and my boss let me know our VP said the same thing. I went ahead and asked her to pass on that I'd prefer people email me questions or sentiments ahead of my return so I can just focus on work when I go back next Thursday.

I think I'm ready for the routine of working, but am not looking forward to the stress of the commute or with having to deal with people.

I've been thinking about you all moreso the past few weeks.... our 1st pregnancy and loss was last October, and obviously it's also Pregnancy & Infant loss awareness month, making me think of all the lost babies everywhere. I've been moved to tears several days, thinking about what could have been and what could be. I try to re-focus but you all know how hard that can be. Just wanted to check in here and say I think about you all regularly and I wish all the best for you.

@MaryM: I'm heartened to hear that your bosses at work have reached out with support to you. I can't imagine how you are making it through and I am praying for you and your husband daily.

Does any one here chart? I'm charting my first cycle post miscarriage so that I have any idea about when to expect my period- and because it makes me feel better to do something.

I have been using opks. Haven't been great about holding pee, but using them at 1pm. I did get a positive opk the lasts cycle I used them (the month we conceived) and the line got gradually darker and darker. This cycle the second line has always been very, very faint and never gets darker. I'm on cd 15. The past two days my temp has dipped very low, which is what usually happens right before I ovulate. This morning, it shot way up, above anything else from this month. I know you can't really have any expectations for the cycle after miscarriage, but I'm wondering if any of you know anything about opks? Obviously I have to wait and see if my temp stays high. I haven't had any EWCM, but it was plentiful and watery yesterday.

@Silva: I e just started temping again, but I know after my last MC my charts were crazy for 4-6 months. I'm thinking of holding off on the OPKs until we're for sure "trying" again.

And monday Im looking into Creighton method of charting because it's supposed to provide more information and help find issues (if I decide to work with a NaPro dr). And I wouldn't mind being able to give up temping...

@MaryM: I just heard the news and am so, so freaking sorry for what happened. I haven't been around the boards much but came back to send my love. I have no words to express my sorrow for you and your family I am heartbroken for you.