Hellobee Boards

@MaryM: I think that's the same thing for me. It was "just" a sac. But it was MY sac. They wouldn't even let me see the screen, let alone a picture.

On phone and not at computer so will do replies in the morning -- but yeah, I had my OB take a few pictures of our baby to remember them. A perfect little gummy bear, 3cm long and looked so peaceful. I'll never forget that sight. That was my second baby! Will always be our second baby.

@simplyfelicity: I can understand being in that "limbo" place, but I feel like I'm there, too, in a different situation. I'm mourning the child that could have been, but most likely given the timing of the miscarriage, there were chromosomal errors that mean that child NEVER could have been. I think we're all (or at least most) in that limbo stage, mourning a child that was there, or wasn't, that could have been, and never could have been. It's mourning the loss of a future, regardless of the actuality.

I'm pretty sure I know exactly the moment I passed the baby, and I'm fairly certain I saw the tissue. I probably should have saved it, but I didn't.

@simplyfelicity: Increasingly, I'm having to understand my reality as "I lost a pregnancy." End of story. If I go any further down the rabbit hole, my brain starts trying to assess and compare different kinds of loss (again...which is both depressing to me and seems fairly pointless). Stupid brain.

@Jess1483: Yes. This makes sense to me. But, of course, how I want to formulate things (so as best to cope with them) has been a work in progress...not to mention inconsistent.

@simplyfelicity: I've been drinking so much this last week. Like, even when I don't really want it, it's like "hell, might as well!" DH just had his wisdom teeth out today, and I've downed 1/2 bottle of wine by myself. I should be ashamed. I'm not.

What is this "lush" thing you all speak about?

@ValentineMommy: We talked about honouring the baby when we know more - and when the testing comes back, we can find out the gender too. Once we know what our wee one WAS, it'll make it feel a bit more real. When we've grieved those details, we'll do something to remember. And hon, of COURSE it was a loss. It was your baby.

@simplyfelicity: Doesn't your Lush deliver? Oh no! Bleeding had stopped, just dark brown spotting when wiping. Then yesterday I came down with a stomach flu; vomiting, diarhhoea, etc, and I guess all the strain on my body caused my bleeding to start back up again. This morning it's back to just a tiny bit of brown wiping again.

@MaryM: I felt like I knew, looking back as well. Everyone made fun of me for using my doppler - but I had a feeling, and that feeling turned out to be true.

@2PeasinaPod: How did your appointment go? Been thinking of you today, but our timezones are all out of whack.

@Jess1483: Big, big hugs. I haven't had a public meltdown yet. In the car with tears streaming down my face, yes, but not out on my own. And I agree, 100%: I don't know where I'd be without you wonderful women.

@travelgirl1: It will be interesting to see what happens in future - I mean, this was our second bub. Does that mean I'll technically be trying for #3? lol

@Tidybee: Close monitoring sounds like a plan! My appt is only 2 weeks out, so I guess I'm worried about it being early - but I also want to see what his plans would be for a future pregnancy, which I hope we're lucky enough to get to one day.

My little ultrasound picture is on my phone. I know it's sad and probably weird to some people, but I love seeing it. I shared it with a few people, and have no hesitations in sharing in future. Makes me remember that little person even more.

Hi ladies - sorry I didn't update yesterday. Was a crazy afternoon yesterday and day today so far!

My appointment went well yesterday. She indicated that there were a slew of tests that she was going to send me for and explained each one. I'm not fully versed on everything infertility related, but they were all the things the bees told me about when I asked what to expect from my first appointment. I'm going to get my 20 vials of blood taken soon, and I'm to call on the first day of my next period.

The one thing that is a little concerning is that she did an ultrasound on my uterus and immediately found scar tissue. She's not sure that it's causing any issues just yet, but she wants to look through all of my old ultrasound images to see if it was there for any of my other pregnancies or if it was a result of my D&Cs, miscarriages or even my C-section with LO. She isn't ruling that out as a possibility of issues with implanting.

I was really surprised at how much time she spent with us explaining everything. She was really thorough and was even incredibly versed in both mine and DH's health plans (we're on separate plans with our respective companies). They're larger companies in the area, but I guess I just don't expect the doctor to know exactly what's covered under our plans and what's not. So that was really comforting as well.

Overall, I'm happy that we have a plan, but it's seeming like more and more that it's my body causing the issue. DH will go for blood work and an SA, and maybe it's just the amount of testing they're going to perform on me that makes it seem that there's something that my body isn't doing properly to hold a live pregnancy. I'm having a mix of sadness and anger on that front. I feel like a bit of a failure now that we've finally seen a RE and this is all becoming that much more real. And a friend of mine said it best...this just plain sucks.

@2PeasinaPod: Before DD, I think it was so hard on me each time we didn't get pregnant because I felt like it was my fault. I can't tell you how many times I said I was a failure of a woman and that I couldn't even fulfill my most basic role. Those thoughts did nothing but damage. Even after both miscarriages (most likely due to low progesterone), I've started to feel like that, and I just try to remind myself that I didn't do anything wrong, and there is modern medicine that can help tweak things and there is nothing wrong with that.

@2PeasinaPod: Even though I lot of us have been through different struggles, I think we can all see that our struggles have all been relative. And we can agree that although they're all different, they all suck!

I for one haven't thought you've said anything insensitive. I think we all can see that a struggle is a struggle. Even if some of us go through more or less than others, we're all entitled to feel whatever feelings we have.

That being said, I hate to hear women say that they are the cause of any issue related to IF.

I think you can only say that if you're actively doing something to prevent yourself from getting pregnant or abusing your body.

You have no control over what your body is doing, so please, don't blame yourself! Like Tidybee said, YOU haven't done anything wrong

@MaryM: @Jess1483: Thank you both!

@Jess1483: This is why this thread is great...it was clear that earlier in the week, I was having a few better days. Today, I'm having a crap day, and I'm ready for my vacation. I'm glad that when I'm having a crap day...you're having a good day and helping to lift me up and hope that I can do that for others when they're having crap days.

@MaryM: Just going to the Jersey shore. It will be LO's first experience with the beach and ocean! I'm excited, but fully expecting him to hate it

So I got a call from the REs office this afternoon. DH and Is chromosome testing came back normal!! I am very happy about this.. But now want to know what the heck ??!! 3 miscarriages?!?all because of what? Is it really because a suspected arcuate uterus with a septum?

@simplyfelicity: I'm feeling much better now, thank goodness. Spotting gone again too... might actually risk the house without a granny pad on today!

@MaryM: I think that's an awesome idea. I'm overseas (in Australia) so understand if it's just easier to keep it US only, since I'm sure that's where most folks are.

@2PeasinaPod: Interesting appt. Have you heard of Asherman's Syndrome? My friend had it (found after numerous losses) and had some scar tissue removed, and fell pregnant on IVF straight after. Her baby was 10 months old & she fell... naturally! (I know, I know, one of THOSE stories, lol) I want to give you a giant hug. Part of me feels that the loss of this recent pregnancy was because of me somehow, so I can sympathise. x

@Tidybee: This, exactly. I spent so much time after our heartbreaking appt when we found out, telling hubby I felt like a total failure - how could my body have let this happen? I still struggle.

@Jess1483: Good for you, hon. I'm trying so hard to get to that point and look forward, rather than back.

@mrs bunchy: I used crinone in my first IVF transfer that didn't even implant - so they upped it to 400mg pessaries (twice a day) the following time. That was with Georgia, and worked - and with this baby, it didn't, so who knows?

What did they say about a d&c?

Hugs. xx