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Christmas Plans... what would you do?

Hello All,
So I’m very upset but I want to make sure I am being reasonable...

LO is 17 mo. DH and I hosted Christmas last year b/c it was LOs first so we had BOTH sides except SIL and her family b/c she’s on the West coast. It was nice but a lot of work and stress hosting so we decided we aren’t doing that again and will start our own traditions to include not leaving our home.

Since marriage Christmas Eve has been with DHs fam and consisted of dinner at a restaurant. Christmas Day was with my fam.

SIL is coming and now DHs fam is all getting together at in laws (45 min drive) Christmas Day... DH said we are going and can make it work. I was so upset cause now they want to switch things and expect us to drop and travel etc.

I’ve been very strict with Los schedule. We would be running all day cause now I need to see how my side will see LO. When do we spend. Christmas Time with all as a nuclear fam? We both work Eve.

I’m very upset that everything was thrown out the window. We argued so took a break. I don’t want to be running all day on Christmas.

I was going to suggest seeing them sunday since the SIL is coming that day. All of their kids are teenagers. We have the smallest and newest. MIL told DH we aren’t doing anything Eve since everyone is coming up here... yet she knows for many years it’s been with my fam and not just that but the fact that we have a baby.

What would you do?

TIA

  1. erinbaderin

    pomelo / 5573 posts

    I think, since you spend every Christmas Day with your family, you might have to bend a little and let this be his family’s turn, especially since his sister is making special trip. 45 minutes away isn’t that far. Could you do Christmas Eve with your family instead?

  2. cake2017

    persimmon / 1082 posts

    @erinbaderin: Well that’s why I suggested we go over after church on sunday to see them? No we work eve and my family does their thing. they were going to come over for an hour christmas day to see lo. lo naps for 2–2.5 hours(12-230/3) and bedtime 630pm. When i write it all out it’s stressful to drive, snack in car and stay for an hour which isn’t going to happen b/c they will make DH feel guilty. morning time we have our tradition and lunch is at 11am. so we don’t do our tradition and drive there? but it’s too early for in laws they would say. they have said 9 am is too early

  3. bhbee

    cantaloupe / 6085 posts

    I’m not clear on all the details so I’m not sure exactly what to suggest, but #1 just wanted to say this stuff is hard, I’m sorry. I would let the kid schedule go if possible if it’s just 1 day.

    It won’t make this year perfect but could you set up a plan to switch off who gets the actual day? That way everyone knows what to expect and plan. Also we do our nuclear family Christmas (incl Santa) on around the 21-22 before we travel. It was really important to me to have that day, but we can’t swing it on Christmas so we just imitate it in all but the calendar day. Not saying that’s exactly what you should do but maybe gives some ideas.

  4. annem1990

    apricot / 444 posts

    I'm much less strict about LO's schedule so take this with a grain of salt, but I just don't think a day of a couple of car naps and a change is that big of a deal.

    Also, a 45min drive is pretty reasonable. Can you spend the morning at home and then drive around lunchtime while LO naps? Miss their lunch but be there all afternoon? Then put LO in Pjs in the car and just transfer to bed when you get home? Or bring a pack n play and let LO sleep a bit there and again just transfer to own bed later that night? We've had to do this many times with our LO (15months) and although it's not ideal, it always works out just fine.

    If the roles were reversed, I would be ticked at my DH if we were sitting at our house while my out of town family was celebrating just 45mins away. You could also offer to host everyone at your house so LO can keep a schedule, although I know that's not your ideal.

  5. Foodnerd81

    wonderful cherry / 21504 posts

    @cake2017: could you do the 26th with your family? I don’t know what they do on Christmas Day itself but if people are close by maybe you could get together then?

    These kinds of things are really tricky. It sounds like you are maybe more upset that you had a plan and now everyone, including your husband, is throwing it out the window without asking you.

    But since his SIL is traveling this year, I’d be inclined to make an effort to be there. I als would not want to do both sides of the family in one day- it is too much for me and way too much with a baby.

    If you both have to work on Christmas Eve, when we’re you planning to see his side?

    If it were me, I would try to do your own little family Christmas morning, church and whatever other traditions. Deal with car naps or lap naps for one day. Suck it up and deal with inlaws house that day, including putting him in pjs for the ride home. Do a second Christmas on the 26th with your family, hopefully with better scheduling for naps. The. Give yourselves the 27th to decompress and get LO back into his routine. Remember next year it will be easier and remind DH that you get Christmas wth your side next year.

  6. ALV91711

    pomelo / 5621 posts

    I like @Foodnerd81: suggestions and this is what I’d do.

  7. cake2017

    persimmon / 1082 posts

    @bhbee: No we work and it misses the whole point of christmas to us. The celebration of our Savior. Thank you though.

  8. cake2017

    persimmon / 1082 posts

    @Foodnerd81: 26th we work. I leave at 4am. My family works and leaves for work and back home(our of town too)Christmas Eve was always with his family in the afternoon after work we would meet at a restaurant for dinner.

  9. cake2017

    persimmon / 1082 posts

    @annem1990: LO doesn’t sleep in a pack play. The car ride naps he doesn’t do well and it’s not adequate sleep for him. (i’ve tried it) LO will be a wreck with all the over stimulation etc. I get that’s it’s a holiday but I don’t think it’s fair to forget what this day truly means to us and how we should raise our family. DHs family has all teenagers- this is the first they are doing this because of various reasons- they never leave their house when their kids were younger.

    I’m still trying to figure out how to do this because it’s not right to please everyone cause we just can’t- plus what about celebrating with our own child we won’t get that? I suggested we just go sunday after church to see SIL and ILs and maybe have my fam stop by eve evening or christmas day for an hour before his bedtime.... thank you though for your feedback I do appreciate it

  10. Foodnerd81

    wonderful cherry / 21504 posts

    @cake2017: and DH’s family is unwilling to still die chirstmas eve dinner with you guys? That stinks. I didn’t realize growing up how truly lucky my parents were- my dads family always did a big Christmas Eve and moms family did more Christmas Day, so there was no juggling, it just fell into place so naturally. And everyone was within an hour or so drive.

    Would going to church on Christmas Eve help at all?

  11. cake2017

    persimmon / 1082 posts

    @Foodnerd81: That is what bothers me. They told DH we aren’t doing anything Christmas Eve. I’m willing to open our home if they want to come over with sIl eve .... or we make the drive there sunday. But they didn’t even offer. Yet when SIL comes in any other time we make the effort to go to the ILs so I hope I am not coming off as selfish. I am trying but I also need to do what is best for me mentally and our family. I just know it will be hectic if we drive all day to both sides.

    That’s wonderful! I love it! We’ve always had order until now....

  12. petitenoisette

    pear / 1521 posts

    If the roles were reversed I would be beyond pissed at my DH for insisting we sit at home for xmas by ourselves with all my family including some from far away just 45 minutes away. Celebrating with his family does not preclude you from celebrating with your child. Maybe baby would surprise you and deal ok with the naps not being great for one day - however, if you go into it still upset and convinced it's going to be a disaster it probably will.

    I get wanting to be in your own home on xmas and we do the same xmas morning but then we are happy to go to any of my family members who are 45-1 hour away.

    I'm truly not trying to be harsh but just want you to be able to come around and have a nice Christmas wherever you end up celebrating.

  13. Adira

    wonderful pomelo / 30692 posts

    @cake2017: I mean, it sucks, but can you just agree to alternate between Christmas with his family and Christmas with yours? That's what we do. It sucks not seeing my family ON Christmas, but that's the sacrifice you make when you marry and combine families. And it sounds like this is a special occasion with his family since his sister isn't usually in town for it. Then next year, you can feel confident when you stick to your plans of spending Christmas day with your family since it'll be their turn to have you for the day!

  14. Jennibenni

    persimmon / 1005 posts

    Let me just say, I totally commiserate with you. Christmas planning with extended family just sucks. I have shed many tears and done lots of handwringing over the logistics of seeing both families with siblings who are also juggling two additional families and it is hard and stressful and tense.

    But I’ve never regretted the time we’ve actually spent with our families. It’s always been worth it. The day may have sucked but looking back the hour opening presents with my family and the hour eating with his family was worth the rushing and the time in the car and the missed nap.

    Also, I wonder from your post and responses if your husbands family is tired of being the Christmas Eve plan and is using the sisters visit as a chance to get their turn for Christmas Day. Which is not unfair in my opinion.

  15. cake2017

    persimmon / 1082 posts

    @petitenoisette: I see your point but we’ve made efforts each time sil comes and the other siblings are not there. So my DH wouldn’t be pissed about that- it’s more of the guilt he would receive and that it’s “christmas “ and everyone is there... i hope that makes some sense.

  16. Mamaof2

    squash / 13208 posts

    @cake2017: I know it sucks but I think you should go

  17. cake2017

    persimmon / 1082 posts

    @Adira: Alternating hasn’t worked in 5 years. We both decided in pre marital counseling what would work and it has always been Eve with his family and christmas with mine. They’ve been fine with it(everyone has).This year we aren’t doing much with my family that day. It would be them stopping by for an hour or so to see LO. We enjoy being with each other but ofcourse want to see extended family and trying to make it work... thank you tho

  18. cake2017

    persimmon / 1082 posts

    @Jennibenni: Yes they are. DH just mentioned that. We see SIL each year she’s here. We go up and spend the day with them. The other siblings don’t go....

    I left a lot of details out but honestly i am trying and i appreciate the feedback

  19. josina

    pomegranate / 3973 posts

    That would be extremely frustrating if you had it set up one way forever and they switched it. My family is always Christmas Eve night. DH's family does switch because they're are 2 sets of kids with split custody. We have done 2 in one day, his family Christmas Eve lunch, mine Christmas Eve night, and it worked fine, we just had to cut the 1st one short.

    If you have to do both Christmas Day, then do your celebration Christmas Eve night, early mass and Santa comes during church (assuming you do Santa and church). We had to do that sometimes as kids and loved it when he came early! (Although at 17 months I don't think it will matter for LO).

  20. kiddosc

    grapefruit / 4278 posts

    I think that when planning Christmas between two families that it's really not fair that your family always gets the actual day. His Mom is likely to be a bit resentful of that. Since you proposed seeing his family on Sunday, I think you should plan to spend some time with your family on Sunday. Drive out to your in-laws after your celebration at home on Christmas day. 45 minutes is not far at all and your LO won't suffer from ditching the schedule for one day.

  21. Lindsay05

    pomegranate / 3759 posts

    I get it. I come from a family of divorced parents so I have to try and spread my family even thinner over every holiday. For me, I pick what is most important for my family and stick to that. For example I want Xmas eve and Xmas morning at home no matter what. If people want to come to us at this time then that’s fine but we don’t leave. Then Xmas night is usually switched off between my family or DHs family. I had to have a conversation with my parents that I can’t be spending our entire holidays travelling. I’m not sure this helps your situation at all but I can completely commiserate with you.

  22. LBee

    pomegranate / 3895 posts

    I don't think that you are looking for advice based on your responses. You are just looking for people to agree with you.

    If it were me, I would bend over backwards to give my husband the opportunity to celebrate on Christmas Day with his family after 5 years of doing it with mine. He's not asking to alternate, he's asking for a one time thing. Both my kids have schedules, but we are flexible on holidays.

    I also find it weird that you require to celebrate the birth of Jesus with your family on Christmas Day, but not with his.

    Last though: Based on your post, I'm assuming you have a son. Whenever I have trouble with this kind of stuff, I think about how I would want my son to treat me. You are the example he sees of what is acceptable.

  23. BadgerMom

    persimmon / 1385 posts

    @LBee: Yes! Couldn’t agree more, thank you.

    These kinds of posts always make me sad. Someday I will be the mother in law. And I know I will always play second fiddle, but I truest hope my daughter-in-law will make the effort for me occasionally.

    I don’t think what DH is asking for is out of line. I would be annoyed too that this all came seemingly out of no where and no one discusses it with you but it is what it is. Based on all the information you’ve given here I think it makes the most sense for you to celebrate Christmas with your extended family on Sunday, your nuclear family at home on Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, and then drive to you in-laws on Christmas afternoon. Either after nap and stay late. Or do a car nap and leave for bedtime. 45 minutes is not that far and I really think your mother in law and DH will appreciate the effort.

  24. LBee

    pomegranate / 3895 posts

    @BadgerMom: same. I remember growing up how my mom treated my dad's mom (amazingly, FWIW) and it never crossed my mind to not treat her the same. I've really upped my game, though, since having a son.

    Also agree with you that I would be frustrated about the change, but probably just to myself. We had pretty much this exact scenario happen on a holiday a few years ago (Mother's Day to boot!) that required a 2.5 hour drive with a 2 year old while I was 25+ weeks pregnant - never once did I make a peep other than saying I was so glad that we could make this work to see my in-laws.

  25. cake2017

    persimmon / 1082 posts

    @kiddosc: I thought about that but my family is traveling in from the south too so they won’t be available until christmas eve. I’ve reached out to my family about changed plans.

  26. cake2017

    persimmon / 1082 posts

    @LBee: Thank you! We are planning to go the morning now and not celebrate as a nuclear but they are saying it’s too early for them (9-11am).

    I just want to say that we spend a lot of time with his family. Monthly visits etc so I hope it’s not coming across like I don’t see them. My side is traveling too and we both work due to our careers. DH and I are very appropriate when it comes to boundaries and we do the best that we can. So when my Lo is older I will not be putting pressure on him as my family doesn’t for me. I hope he will form his own traditions with his family. DH has just shared that’s it’s more of pressure and pleasing his side which i’m sad to hear. However, thank you for your feedback

  27. cake2017

    persimmon / 1082 posts

    I appreciate everyone’s feedback! Thank you!!!

  28. Pollywog

    persimmon / 1111 posts

    @cake2017: o feel you. I have the exact same dynamics in my family. Would it be possible to spend 9-11 with your nuclear family, then drive to your in-laws and have him nap there? Then leave around 5?

    My in-laws are also switching up their decades long tradition this year. My line in the sand is that they can blow nap time or bedtime, but not both. So we are going over after nap, doing church with them at 5, then doing a late dinner and gifts. My kids will eat in the car before church and will fall asleep in the car on the way home. Is it ideal? Nope. But part of being in a family is adjusting and it's more important for me to have my kids know their family than to be super strict every day.

  29. cake2017

    persimmon / 1082 posts

    @Pollywog: I thought morning but they said no. Im waiting to see what my family is doing cause they are coming in from out of town too. He will have a crappy nap so will need to be in bed at his normal time. He doesn’t do well and it’s stressful cause he’s crying and cranky. Thank you!!

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