My husband and I are staying at his parents' house-DD is 6 days old. I am so thankful that we made a trip home together while MIL watched the baby, so we could gather extra supplies. DH opened to me some things he's been feeling and it is without a doubt PPD. I looked up "daddy blues" and explained to him that men actually experience a lower testosterone level and a higher estrogen level after having a baby. This is enhanced by stress, which he just came out of a busy season as an auditor & he is having to translate and mediate misunderstandings between me and his parents. (Dry umbilical cord, no extra blankets in the crib, don't walk off and leave the baby on the edge of the bed) ... as well as (my mom didn't mean it critically when she said it did "x,y,z" ...he feels horrible and says he doesn't feel like he has the right to be a dad, because he misses our life together pre-baby and wants to rewind, etcetera. I have never seen that man sob, but he was sobbing and wouldn't look me in the eye because he was so embarrassed. Please tell me there is support for post-partum dad's out there. Up until this point I didn't even know anything was wrong--he helps immensely with baby and mommy care, he takes tons of pictures and dote's on her and me both, and even though he is going through this, he still laughs at weird things she does and when we got back here, he said "I love her so much, I don't know how I could feel that way." Any help?
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I’m not a man, but I am a non biological/non birth mom to our son. I had a very very tough time after our son was born. High anxiety, some tendencies that I now recognize as depression, etc. I let it go until I had a breaking point. I saw my doctor right away for a referral to a psychologist. We made some changes at home in our schedule to get more breaks and sleep, which helped a lot and I didn’t have to see someone after all. My physician was very kind and understanding and didn’t brush me off at all. I felt I had ‘no right’ to feel the way I did as my wife did all the work, but PPD for the non birth parent is a real thing. I would encourage your hubby to book an appointment just for peace of mind and a backup plan in case it gets worse. Keeping honest in communication between you both, self care, sleep, diet and exercise are things to keep an eye on as best you can. It’s normal and it’s common and he shouldn’t feel ashamed.
ETA: it’s so normal as well to feel guilt about missing things you can’t do now. I feel that way even 3.5 years on! It will take time to adjust and your baby won’t always be this needy. You will get back some things eventually. He’s in the thick of it now but know that things do change so quickly and get better as your child gets older.
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Yes of course PPD exists in men. On top of the lack of sleep, the adjustment to having a child, your life is changed upside down...etc. it dawns on them that they now need to provide for another little being for at least the next 18 years, and how it is really not ok to lose your job now because of that, and how you must bring xyz amount of $$ to make ends meet...etc. I know DH thinks like that. When our DS was born, there was a period (weeks) that he won't even get out of bed. Your old life is seemingly gone forever, replaced with stress, burden, sleep deprivation, worry, and responsibility. It is a lot of change that he may not be able to imagine until your DD was born.
He said he missed the old life of just two of you, and you seem to have help from family in terms of child care. How about if you make it a point and schedule a date night once a week? You guys can just go eat dinner, hang out in bookstore, walk around the mall, or whatever you guys used to do, for just a few hours, without the baby (I was going to suggest watch a movie, but I know both of you would probably doze off with having a newborn lol). Honestly, this will help so much with your mental health as well as your marriage in the long run. Sometimes even just a walk in the park under the sun will help a lot because the sun takes away our problems for some strange reason. You can do that with your husband with baby in the stroller on top of the scheduled date night (sans baby). This is just one piece of the whole puzzle, but at least it is a start.
I am sure you can see any psychiatrist about this issue, or your family physician, and they will refer you to someone specialized in the area. But I think it doesn't hurt to start getting the date night in asap. Hugs and sending good and healthy thoughts to you both xoxoxo. This will get easier, I promise
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Is there a reason you're staying with his parents? It seems like mediating between you and his parents is adding to his stress, and perhaps feeling like his parents are looking over his shoulder and judging how he parents may not help either. I know my husband felt much more comfortable after the birth of our children when it was just us and no one else there to share their "help" and opinions.
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Its definitely a thing and its okay. He's probably just feeling really overwhelmed by the magnitude of everything.
A living human being! That came from his own DNA! That's completely dependent on him and utterly helpless and could die from anything and everything at any given moment! So many feelings! So tired! I'm responsible for this person not growing up to be a monster! This is so complicated!
DH and I definitely had a "what on earth have we done?" moment(s) after DS1 was born (and we had tried for 3 years to have him). DH had to keep it together more because I was the one who was a complete mess, but he did feel this sense of HOLY CRAP. He dropped the baby once, he accidentally put a swaddle blanket over the baby's face in the crib - he felt like the worst dad. But after a few weeks, he was able to channel that anxiety into work and started to kill it with his business and was just straight hustling all the time.
Once he found some productive outlets to cope with his anxiety - taking stroller walks with our son, prioritizing getting enough sleep, dialing in at work, and having set, routine tasks at home to help me with the baby (he took specific feedings, bath time, bedtime, doing the bottle and pump parts wash, doing the dishes, and folding the laundry), he felt more in control of the situation.
The first 3 months are a hot mess, but once we got into a groove, it was just our new normal. Fatherhood has made DH so focused, so much more efficient, and so consciously responsible - like he's always scanning for new data or info or news on financial planning, education, educational models, college, long-term estate planning strategies, etc. Its been a shift and it was hard at first, but he himself feels like its made him a much better and productive person. Its just that fatherhood is an "all in" type thing and in the beginning, its hard to accept that because its NONSTOP and you want to go back to your carefree childfree days and its a tough pill to swallow.
Its all perfectly normal and if he needs some extra help through therapy or medicine, that's totally okay.
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I agree with @Truth Bombs: ... go home. It's easier to navigate the uncertainties of new parenthood when no one is there to see the mistakes you make and you don't have to defend your decisions. Your in-laws can come to you for a few hours a day to cook some food or watch baby while you take a nap. There is so much change when you first bring a new baby home and it can really come crashing down that your life is going to be so much different, but it's easier to navigate that in your own space with the people going through the same thing you are (your spouse and new child).
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DH suffered from PPD after our daughter was born. He has always struggled with anxiety, and he really wasn't prepared for the huge change that happens when you bring a new baby home. He obviously loved her, but he told me later that there were times that he almost walked out, went stay in a hotel, etc. because it was like a constant panic attack being at home. He couldn't eat, sleep, or enjoy our baby, and ended up going to walk-in care after about a week and started a low dose of antidepressants. It made a huge difference! He started feeling better just as I got hit hard with the baby blues, so we were able to be there for each other.
We always talk about PPD and women, but having a child is just as big a change in our partner's lives too! And I think, at least with my DH, I spent WAY more time reading about life with baby, etc. and he kind of tuned it out thinking it wouldn't be too hard. No matter how you look at it, all the change is incredibly overwhelming, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with (either of you) reaching out for help when you need it.
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I would move back home and also find him a therapist to help him get perspective on and work through his perfectly normal reaction. Babies are a huge and overwhelming adjustment. Mediating between your spouse and your parents is only going to further complicate things.
Personally, I told my parents and MIL that there would be no visitors for a couple of weeks after we brought our son home from the hospital. I wanted time for us to adjust to being a new family without dealing with additional "advice" and opinions. (They were invited to meet him in the hospital once we were through L&D and comfortably settled into our postpartum room.)
I am so glad we did that because it let my husband and me fall into our own parenting rhythm more quickly. I am planning to do the same thing this summer when our twins are born even though I know it will make the grandparents unhappy.
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Thank you all, we will be moving back home early next week--whivh gives us,time to stock the fridge and cabinets, etcetera and enjoy the extended family with the stress-relieving knowledge that we are going home soon
we are makingvit a point to tak e advantage of the ability to sneak away on a quick coffee date or walk (things we will have to figure out how to juggle later. It also helped that we had some friends visit with an older baby, and he physically got to see what I have been telling him--this stage will not last...
Prioritizing sleep has helped immensely, too and DH has started researching everything, too (from bottle sterilization to hiccups) we are coming along and i thank you all for your care and support. I am so encouraged!
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