Hellobee Boards

@JennyD: If I am being honest, yes, I expect him to drop everything at that moment and come address the issue. He's always done it, so I am conditioned to expect it. For example, I purchased a suitcase online. I changed my mind about it and decided that I needed to return it to the store in the mall. So, since I was at work in the town with the mall, I called him, on his cell phone, and asked if he could go to my house and pick up the box and meet me at the mall so I could return it. Could I have done it another day, yes, but it popped into my mind at that moment and I called to see what was possible. That is my dad though, he would do that for anyone that called, it's how he shows that you are important to him.

@JennyD: See, that's funny, because I wouldn't ask my husband to do that errand. But my dad, no problem. He doesn't hang it over my head ever. I even give him a list of stuff to do around my house as my birthday gift. He'll come over with his tool box and hang lights, install outlets, hang curtain rods, etc. He's like my own personal handyman. I of course help out, I hold the drill, usually. He's retired, I should add.

Then there's my mom, that while I am at work, will take my sick son to the doctor if it's necessary. She makes his lunch, feeds him dinner on some nights, as my husband says, my son has it good over there.

Does this make me weak or inferior? I don't even know what to say about that.

@JennyD: My husband's parents are the same as mine, they are the "roll up your sleeves" type of people. When they visit, since my FIL is a painter by trade, he paints stuff for us. This past year it was the front pillars and the garage trim.

One year, he told me that the back door really looked bad, so I invited him to the paint store with me, and he happily came along after selecting the color.

Look, don't get me wrong...I didn't grow up with material things. My parents didn't have a ton of extra money and couldn't spoil us with things, so they spoiled us with time and doing stuff. It's just that it's continued into adulthood for me. I feel like I am a functioning member of society, lol.

I think our culture overall is very spoiled! I watched a video at the New York times online of a girl living in drought ridden Madagascar who has never had a bath in her life and she's 7. Hedonic adaptation means that humans get adjusted to their environment and always want more. I have to Lifehack my way out of hedonic adaptation by limiting my access to certain things (sugar for example, snack foods, fashion magazines). It is a personal goal of mine to develop kids who are happy with the small things in life because that's all we can ever truly give them...The ability to have perspective about life's vicissitudes. That being said, I have family who grew up poor and are now mean as hell. So poverty can certainly engender bitterness. I try to limit my kids' exposure to material excess and I try not to give them everything, but I try to be compassionate even when I am choosing not to do something for them that I could. As in, I know you want mommy to run by Starbucks for a cookie but I'm not going to do that and I'm so so sorry because I know that cookies are your favorite thing. I think that is my attempt at splitting the difference.

@JennyD: I agree! Spoiled with dependent behavior is the worst kind of spoiling... It does your child a huge disservice to do absolutely everything for them. My kid is 3- she is required to use her manners and do her little chores because my DH and I are raising an adult. She is very sweet and happy and grateful (although she may be a little materially spoiled). I don't think giving a child too much love or even too many gifts can necessarily hurt them as long as they express gratitude and compassion for others.

If we're looking at the definition of "spoil" (beyond being lenient and indulgent), it is to rot, to be past its useable date, to damage or mar, or to lessen the value of. So I think if you're doing certain things that mar or damage your children in the long run, then you're spoiling them. How you spoil your kids depends on your personality and your kid's personality, but there are obviously tons of ways you could spoil them.

I think anything that undermines a longterm value or skill you want your kid to have is spoiling them. So yes, kids can definitely be spoiled. My husband is a college professor at a posh private school and these spoiled kids become adults who cannot function. They literally call him or email him asking questions that you can Google or ask Siri (we literally cut and paste their questions or ask Siri and we get the answer for real). Their parents love them and have done everything for them and have given them cars and the ability to live at home in their mansions while paying full tuition and some of these kids are SO entitled and useless. They didn't get that way overnight - it was years and years of catering to their every whim and desire that got them there.

@gingerbebe: my husband used to teach at Dartmouth and had a student who never showed up to class, bombed the tests and, upon receiving a D came to my husband and told him: "My parents are not paying for me to get D's".....uh, then do the work. Entitled much?! So much spoiling there.

@gingerbebe: ugh I had to put it in my syllabus that I would not respond to emails asking me to calculate a grade or what a student missed when they were absent. I have a schedule, check it for missed work, and calculate your own grade for Pete's sake!

@Greentea: thats awesome! I'm totally amazed by that. We are so so far away from screen free but I am amazed at how helpful it is not to have cable. My kid comes home from preschool telling me about his friends' avengers toys/shirts/shoes, but he has no clue what all that really is because we don't have cable. So no advertising.

@JennyD: I'm sure a big part of it for some kids is lack of boundaries. I personally think the most damaging type of spoiling is when parents step in to rescue their kids immediately to keep them from facing any consequences, because that's just not real life.