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@Mrs. Turtle: I am totally in agreement with you that the wording is tone-deaf, especially for your situation, but my hope is they have no idea how offensive this is to modern families. I'm a former kindergarten teacher, and from the assignment, my guess is they're trying to show growth in a concrete way for the birthday child. My son's old preschool had the exact same assignment (is this a Montessori? It seems to be their "thing" for birthdays) and pulling out the first photo was a little triggering for me, too, as he was in the NICU and those photos are hard to re-visit. We attended the celebration and there was no mention of his birth/early days, if that helps (I can even privately send you the video of what it looked like with him walking around the "sun" so you can see). It would shock me if the convo they have at school is anything more than "Look how much you've grown, O!" Is school aware of her background at all? If so, shame on them for not being more sensitive. I'm hopeful they simply want O to be able to show all her friends how much she's grown and changed over the years, and you absolutely should ask those questions before you hand over the photos. Could you maybe have her first photo be of when you two took custody of her and/or an early family picture of the three of you?

Happy Birthday to O, either way!

I’m not trying to be insensitive at all and I can tell by the tone of your post that you are upset about this. But this is a fairly typical Montessori birthday celebration tradition to show how kids have grown. My LOs did it in daycare and my younger one does it in preschool. These types of things are bound to come up for all sorts of situations as time goes on. For O, I would focus on how lucky she is to be so loved by a wonderful family. Her past is her past and it doesn’t have to define her and she doesn’t need to be ashamed of it. Obviously, this is a concept that can grow over time with her and probably not something that has to be discussed in detail at this age. If I were in your position, I would send the photos you want to send and just add a brief and polite note to the teacher reminding them of her history and why you chose different photos than the requested ones. And again, I’m really not trying to be insensitive, it’s probably just the standard paper the teacher gives to every kid in preparation for their birthday.

This isn’t quite the same, but my 4yo’s preschool class did a family tree project and asked for photos of all grandparents, parents, and siblings. My mom is dead and my DD knows that, and we didn’t send a pic of her. I don’t know if they discussed death or divorce or absence in the case of siblings, parents, etc. who didn’t have photos. My point is, life happens, no family is perfect. It’s ok if we don’t fit a mold and we can find creative and positive ways to deal with adversity.

@lamariniere: I think the point is that it doesn't NEED to be a fairly typical assignment, and in today's society, where families are made up all sorts of ways, it would be valuable to put some thought into adapting this, and other activities like this, to be more inclusive.

My view is that if you want something to change, you have to make it easy for the people that have to execute it. Should they do it on their own, yes, but they haven't, so I would take matters into my own hands with a note and some suggestions on wording.

I absolutely agree you can teach them how to be more inclusive/sensitive! I could have very well done the very same thing without thinking, and that is totally on me. I would have loved to have someone tell me if I was not being inclusive so I can correct it going forward.

Yeah, this isn't great thinking. At my school, though, lots of parents will just... ignore an assignment like this. Not necessarily for the same reasons as you, sometimes just because many work and forget to rummage around for photos when they get home late at night. Anyway, the teachers don't push for the pics too much - they ask once and that's that. You're right though, saying something is better then just ignoring the assignment. Might save someone else an uncomfortable situation later.

@Mrs. Turtle: Good for you for pushing back. Families come in all forms and just because something is traditional/done in lots of places doesn't mean it's a good assignment. There are plenty of ways to achieve a similar lesson while being inclusive of everyone.

I’m torn and do have to agree with @lamariniere. I understand how frustrating it is, I really do. And of course it’s going to be a sensitive issue. It reminds me of all the school projects I had as a child that involved 2 parent households and I only had 1. It stings but you learn to kind of assume it wasn’t meant to be hurtful. I think a gentle reminder about your situation is the right thing to do. ️

I remember this assignment as a kindergartener and we had two international adoptees. What Peter's mom did was bring in a photo book of going to get him and bringing him home. He came when he was 6 months or so and we were all impressed he got to ride an airplane.

John was older maybe 3. So he brought in 5 photos of him growing up. We were jealous he got to live on an island instead of in our snowy town.

Allie was a severe preemie. I remember her photos being so scary and her mom talking about what a fighter she was. Her mom cried when talking to us.

I'm only sharing this because out of 22 kids in Mrs. N's class, 4 of us had complicated stories (my mom almost died in childbirth. My birthday wasn't happy either). I think it's more common than we may realize and it's a great way to have a conversation and show how O is special.