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@Shutterbug: along the same lines, I'm a constant lurker in the IF boards. I follow along as much as I can and am always cheering you all on and silently sending good wishes. I rarely (if ever) comment because I worry something I say will come across wrong or that it may seem odd/creepy that some random chick pops in & out with random comments. I also wonder if since I'm "on the other side of IF" perhaps they're very welcome (not that anyone has EVER made me feel that way, I just remember all too well feeling "well, that's easy for you to say, you have a child." I'm not saying anyone has that thought, but I remember having it, not that I'm proud of it). I say all this and like others, am hoping I haven't said anything to offend anyone.
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@LMOG47: I think if anything I'm more likely to trust advice coming from IF 'graduates' because something you did worked!
Sometimes I give advice to someone and then I think 'although none of these things have worked for me, so who am I to say!'
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Even as someone who used to be very active on the IF boards I lurk a lot on the weekly thread for some of the reasons that @LMOG47: mentioned. I don't know how anyone will take my perspective, especially someone who isn't familiar with what I went through. And I certainly remember what it's like to think to have the bitter, jealous thoughts. (Yeah, also not proud.)
@Shutterbug: Yup, been there too with the self-doubt! Thinking I might have no place talking about IVF. But all of your experiences are completely valid!!
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@LMOG47: everything you said. I have been really hesitant to comment on IF threads because I made it through to the other side. Now that I am having trouble TTC #2, I go back and forth in whether or not I "belong."
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Regarding people hiding the IF boards: Hmm. I'm curious as to why this is a huge deal. Yeah, it's someone saying that they are not interested in something that is relevant to you, but they are not saying that it is not an important thing- it's just not important to them. Say there was a board about divorce- I might choose to hide that board not because I don't think it's an important topic, it's just not something I choose to read about. People want to keep what is interesting to them front and center, which totally makes sense to me. Maybe I'm missing something? I see it as no different from hiding Due Date boards. It's not that they are not important to some people, they're just not important to me. That being said, I haven't hid anything, but it's just because I'm a sucker for a lot of reading material.
Side note- not trying to be insensitive! Trust me, I understand the IF side of things.
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@spaniellove: yes, I know you and some other graduates are careful about posting, and I appreciate that.
I think the variety of responses show that everyone responds to things differently. That's why I don't always like those "What to Say, What not to Say" articles that are so popular these days--everyone is different!
I hid the diapering boards, by the way, to limit seeing POOP in my list.
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Just wanted to pop in and say that I too have been reading some of your journeys, and have been rooting for you all, but don't want to have a "foot in the mouth" moment.
Sometimes even a "thinking of you" can come off the wrong way. Some people take it as support, others take it as pity. That's why, like @Happygal: , I don't really like articles/posts about "what to say/what not to say", and I also don't really read the "peanut gallery" board. Most of the time people are just unaware, but people get so offended. It's hard to navigate how someone will react because everyone reacts so differently!
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@Shutterbug: I agree! I love it when IF graduates post. It gives me hope that I'll be there soon. I've mentioned this before but I miss them. But I can understand how they can feel now that they graduated. When I get pregnant, I will probably do they same.
@Mrs. High Heels: For me, I have never taken a 'thinking of you' the wrong way. Even if it came from an enemy. That's how touching it is when I hear it. I don't hear any pity in it.
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@Happygal: yeah, not all of those "what not to say" articles fit me to a tee but they are all good guidelines. It's a good basis. Gives you an inkling of what things to say and to avoid.
Correct me if I'm wrong but things to never say to someone with IF is... Anything that tells us to relax. Anything about how not having kids right now is a good thing.
There are things that can be sensitive but might not affect all IFers like bringing up adoption or IVF. Things mentioning religious involvement or about god"s plan, baby and pregnancy announcements. I'm sure the list could go on.
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I voted 10,001-15,000, but that is probably not even accurate. I also did things like acupuncture, Clomid.
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@BakerBee: This.
@bluestriped bee: I actually really like your posts. I never comment because I haven't been trying that long, so I feel like who am I, or that I have no right. But, I literally knew nothing about IF (other than a vague notion of what it is) or ttc in general when I think about it. I only know one person in real life who has shared their journey of IF, and she has been trying for 17 years. Her husband doesn't believe in treatment, so they are still trying without assistance. I've never known what to say other than I'm sorry to hear that. Following along some of your journeys has opened my eyes, and I'll never know what she's going through bc I personally haven't been trying for 17 years. But, I've developed much more IF awareness. Definitely not pity by any means. You are such an advocate for IF awareness, and I'm not sure you're aware, but you are making a difference! This knowledge will help me be a better friend, and maybe have one ounce more understanding of what my friends who may be going through IF are going through. I mean, even this cost post!?! I would've never thought it was so expensive, and it isn't right. It's nice to know you don't mind people rooting for you, but I don't know how the boards get comfortable. I never want to impede the IF boards, so I never post here, but I think you and the IF posts are very valuable.
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@bluestriped bee: I guess sometimes I feel like that's not enough, and I wish I could say/do more! Maybe it paralyzes me. Glad to know that even those 3 little words can mean so much to you! Just know that I am SO SO rooting for you, and have been following your journey even though it's from the sidelines and in the shadows. I feel your pain through your words, and admire your strength - not only for putting up with IF for so long, but for being the sole breadwinner to your family, and being a caregiver to your husband and having to deal with his health needs too. I AM thinking of you, and hoping you get some good news soon!
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I used to post on the weekly if threads, but I realized no one wanted to hear what I said cuz, like @LMOG47: said, I was on the other side. Also, while trying for my third, I didn't feel like I belonged in the if group cuz I had two los and some people didn't even have one. So now, I scan to see if there are some graduates, cuz graduates make me :).
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@meganmp: I don't think it's a huge deal but I'm looking at it from this perspective: these boards are part of our stories. Reading about bees' journeys is how I get to "know" them even if I can't directly relate. The number of bees who said they hid the IF boards was significant. They're missing out on getting to know some awesome bees. Does that make any sense? But this is coming from someone who doesn't hide any boards. If I'm not interested in a post I just don't read it.
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@tequiero21: I know how you feel. I just posted in the weekly IF update but I feel out of place there. I did start a thread a few days ago for Primary IFers TTC #2+. I should bump it.
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@swedishfish: yeah, I read that thread. Unfortunately, it was created after I finally conceived my lo. Would have been so great to have that a few months back!
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@meganmp: I agree. There wasn't a large IF community here at they beginning so I rarely came on. And I definitely was not reading pregnancy stories or following baby boards! I totally understand both sides, but I think we come to the internet for what we are needing...so I find hiding unrelatable boards natural and not offensive.
It is VERY hard to be on a baby forum while dealing with IF. And I think it's awesome that such a good community has developed on here and also hope there are many more graduates soon!
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@meganmp: I'm with u. I haven't hidden anything, but I don't find it offensive that other people hide what they don't want to see. Just like people w if could hide pregnancies n due dates.
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@dc yoga bee: @Mrs. High Heels: Aww, thank you ladies!! From the bottom of my
, I'm so touched! Thank you!! Beautiful words!! Just what I needed to hear!! I love the HB community!
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@swedishfish: I'm so glad you started that new thread for TTC #2 for those with infertility.
I feel horrible now after reading these comments about posting in the weekly IF threads since I already have a son from IVF. I had considered that it may upset people but thought if I didn't mention it at all (I never mention my son on the infertility boards unless somebody specifically asks something about him) that it would be OK. But I will stop posting there and just post on SwedishFish's thread because I don't want anyone at all to feel upset with my posting there. I don't want it to be any harder for anyone that is trying so hard to have a baby.
Nice to see those outside the world of infertility supporting women here.
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@Jenn23: I don't feel upset at all when I see previous users with IF posting on the IF boards. Please don't feel that way. I think once you have IF, you always have IF. The thought of what ifs will probably always be in my head. (Even if I magically conceive naturally for the 2nd child, I will still have doubts of miscarriage or anything.) I know you conceived your LO through IVF and have never felt like you don't belong. I don't want you to leave our weekly group or feel like you don't belong on the IF boards. Please stay!
My intention of this thread was not to divide IF graduates and current IFers. Actually, I don't want to divide non-IFers, either.
There was another thread created about not feeling liked you belong in a certain group but I think you can post wherever you feel like posting. For me, I sometimes don't even feel like I belong in the 6 month plus threads because how I felt at 6 months of TTC was way different when I reached 12 months of TTC. I'm sure once I hit 24 months of TTC in 3 months, I'll feel even more isolate. I read this on another IF FB board that I'm involved in and I'm sure people who have been TTC for more than 3, 5 or 7 years, feel like they are in a different spot than 'younger' IFers.
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@bluestriped bee: Thanks, and I know you are OK with it, but if even one woman is upset by my posting there, then I just don't feel right about it now.
I know back in my Weddingbee days in the infertility group I belonged to, we had a few women that already had a child and were trying to have another and I didn't mind them being there most of the time at all, but there were some times where I did feel jealousy that they already had a kid (at that point, I just didn't think I'd ever have a baby) so now looking back in hindsight, I feel like I shouldn't be a part of the weekly thread. I'll still post on the other infertility threads, though. -
@Jenn23: I like having you there! Please don't go away!
Edited to avoid confusion.
@bluestriped bee: really, I like when the IF grads answer questions or offer support. When a pregnant bee shares their updates on the IF thread, sometimes I feel like I don't have much to say b/c I haven't experienced pregnancy (yet!). But you'll see me often ask IF grads how their pregnancy is going b/c I really am happy for them.
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@Happygal: You're talking about IFers or non-IFers who are pregnant? Or are you talking about anyone who is pregnant regardless of if they have or had IF? Just curious.
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@Happygal: I love being there, too. But really, as I said before, I don't want to upset anybody by being there. I'll still read all of your updates as always and chime in perhaps here and there.
And I'll be around on all of the other infertility boards as always.
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@bluestriped bee: Thinking of you, and sending you love and light
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Since writing this post, I've added about $2k to my total (cryopreservation costs, lab tests, meds and acupuncture). If this last IUI is unsuccessful, I'll be moving on to the IVF plan. So the one IVF plan costing $16K + meds or the guaranteed IVF plan costing $28K + meds. My wallet is trembling now.
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@bluestriped bee: Yikes, those are both scary numbers. I really hope your iui works!
We just had the IVF consent meeting yesterday. We found out that the clinic charges 5-6k per round and it's about 2k in meds, they advertise a complete package for around 8k. I also found out that the insurance my company USED to carry, BCBS, covered up to 6 rounds of IVF. I'm so mad they switched to United now. United has a 7500 medical lifetime cap and 7500 meds cap.
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@PurplePumps: Oh, wow. Which part of the country do you live in?
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@bluestriped bee: It sucks that it costs so much for some people to get pregnant. I really hope this IUI is successful for you and you don't have to move on to IVF! My fingers are crossed for you!
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@bluestriped bee: Move here to MA. It's required by law to have IF coverage included in insurance plans.
@PurplePumps: Aren't you in MA? You should have better coverage than that for IF treatment.
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@Adira: Thank you. I'm hoping my IUI works but knowing my luck, it won't. Trying to think positive, but not too positive to get my hopes up when it doesn't.
@ShootingStar: My former boss is now in MA and I was job hunting in MA and other areas about 6 months ago. But I decided that I'm going to get pregnant this year then job hunt & move back east. Maybe I can use MA's IF coverage for baby #2!! FX
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@bluestriped bee: Yeah, I can't even imagine how difficult this whole process has been for you. It must be hard to try to stay positive after so many failures.
Is this IUI #6?
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@bluestriped bee: Let me know when you come to this area!
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@Adira: Yup, this next IUI is #6 and is the last and final IUI.
@ShootingStar: Definitely!
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@bluestriped bee: Ugh, that just sucks you've already done so many unsuccessful IUIs! Fingers crossed that 6th time in the one that works!
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@Adira: While I do count this as IUI #6, I really think of this as IUI #3 because these 3 IUIs were under a diagnosis and meds. The first 3 IUIs were at another clinic and had me at unexplained. So the last two wasn't too bad. This last one though has really got me remembering that this is my 6th one.
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@bluestriped bee: Oh, I see! In that case, I hope the 3rd time (with knowledge and meds) is the charm! Still - it sucks you underwent those first three IUIs where your diagnosis was unexplained, so their chance of working was already probably less than it could have been. Really hoping this pans out for you, especially given how long you've been trying at it AND the cost of IVF!
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@Adira: Thanks!!
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@ShootingStar: Don't know if it's this way in MA but in the mandate states there are loopholes in the coverage! I'm in NJ but don't get coverage through the mandate and a lot of people don't.
Sometimes I give advice to someone and then I think 'although none of these things have worked for me, so who am I to say!'
I know back in my Weddingbee days in the infertility group I belonged to, we had a few women that already had a child and were trying to have another and I didn't mind them being there most of the time at all, but there were some times where I did feel jealousy that they already had a kid (at that point, I just didn't think I'd ever have a baby) so now looking back in hindsight, I feel like I shouldn't be a part of the weekly thread. I'll still post on the other infertility threads, though. 
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