I feel horrible to write this but I need somewhere to vent, and I need words of encouragement and advice.
I am a broadcast /graphic designer, have my own LLC, and I pitch and took in work from clients. My clients are mostly TV networks. My type of work is very hectic and once I take on a project, I have to work 40-70 hours a week in order to get something delivered. I am a 1-woman shop so I don't have anyone helping me out.
I always thought that after the baby (he's now 4 months old), I could put him to a daycare or have a nanny, and I can work as much as I used to and contribute the same amount of $ to the family. However, the reality is it is not true. I can only afford a nanny 4 days a week, and really between 9-6. LO wakes up at 6:30-7am or so, so I can not get up early and work because I have to entertain him before the nanny gets here. I also can't stay up late and work anymore because he wakes up in the night and I have to take care of him and his needs. Not to mention I can not have the same level of stress as I used to because my body has to make enough milk for him. On top of that, I have to be prepared in case the nanny takes sick / vacation days, and if my son's sick I'll have to cancel all plans and take care of him (we are planning to put him to daycare when he turns 1, and daycares don't take care of sick kids).
It is all these things that made me reluctant to contact clients, and I even had to turn down jobs which I normally would have taken in. Some days while I didn't have work I'd be so bummed and feel resentful to my baby. I am just thinking how am I going to do this? Working less and making less money makes me feel that I am sacrificing a portion of who I am. I also think it is unfair to my husband because he now becomes the major person who brings food to the table, literally, when he didn't really want a baby to begin with. We used to travel a lot because we have 2 pretty good incomes, but now eventually we will have to compromise on our lifestyle because of the baby and how I have to work less.
I am even seeing a shrink about this. She said it is OK and how society underestimates how hard it is for women to have a baby and have to work at the same time. However I just couldn't be convinced and I am still dwelled in a bit of sadness.
Do you guys feel the same or is it just me? What should I do to make myself feel better?