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I think you are in a very tough situation and you shouldn't be hard on yourself. Being self employed and in such a demanding industry, answering directly to clients on really tight deadlines, is a difficult enough job to keep going on your own, let alone when there is a 4 month old baby in your care! I agree that either a nanny or daycare doesn't really solve your problems in your situation unless you have a live-in nanny who would still work if your child is sick, and has set vacation times that you could plan your client work around. But obviously that would be way more expensive.

If you don't have anyone nearby who can act as backup support (take care of your baby when he's sick, etc. like grandparents or aunts who are SAHMs) I would say your current situation is pretty darn near impossible!

Is there any kind of 9-5 corporate job that you could look into switching to? The work would obviously be different and probably not as lucrative, but working for an established company will at least give you the flexibility you would need if you need to take off when your kid is sick, and predictable hours (as well as no night or morning hours). That way you could structure your childcare around your work schedule and vice versa.

They're only babies for a little while, then once they're in school, you only really have to worry about when they're sick. Even if you had to stay home with them while they're sick, when they're older they need much less attention so you could probably still get work done even if you had to be at home with them.

I know my suggestions are probably way off base since I have no idea how you feel in your situation :T but trust me when I say a baby changes EVERYTHING for EVERYONE when they arrive!! I can't really relate to your situation directly, but when my baby came along I thought for sure I'd be a SAHM and if/when I went back to work, I'd never go back to the job function that I was in before. I did it for 18 months and hated it, and now I'm back in my old job function and I LOVE IT and I love being a working mom! Things have changed and we definitely suffered financially for it, and there has been so much change and shift in our lives, but that's what life is all about, it seems... adjusting and adapting to your current situation!

Good luck!!!

I feel like when we put so much time and effort into our work, we start to only know ourselves through work, and start to think we are nothing without it. I know I felt that way when I quit my job due to health reasons. I didn't know who I was without it, and I felt like dh wouldn't like me anymore. But he told me that I'm so much more than just a job and have so much to offer.

Hope you start feeling better!

I'm not sure if anyone has already said this, but I know things will get better for you. Babies are extremely demanding of your time, but once that baby gets a little older, you should have a little bit more flexibility in your schedule. This is just temporary. I think you are dong the right thing by seeking therapy so you have an outlet (and please feel free to vent to us anytime!).

It really will get better as your baby matures and can do more independent play. This doesn't have to be a permanent change to your lifestyle!

@irene: Wow, your post really struck me because that is exactly what I am afraid will happen! I'm not a mom yet, but we're about to TTC so this is something that is on my mind.

I have my own business as a wedding planner with demanding clients... and I have no idea what will happen when we do have a baby. I'm scared and sad to think that my business will suffer greatly... my business IS my baby, at least for now!