Hellobee Boards

@grizz: would love to join crunchy fb groups!

@grizz: I didn't even go there on that thread. I can't find any parenting practice "crazy". And you know I luv ya more'n'my luggage.

@MrsStar: It's a snark site. I'm not a member but I read it occasionally, usually it's kind of depressing. You can find it on google but you probably don't want to.

I've been following along with all of the drama today and really have been hesitant to post anything. But figured this thread is a good outlet to explain why I've been so quiet lately...or at least try to explain. This is going to be long, so I get that not everyone will read it. If nothing else, it’ll be cathartic for me

1) Agree that there has been a pretty big shift in tone over the last 2-3 months. I felt it brewing for a while but it didn’t impact me much. Then I posted an article I read about women being more open about their infertility struggles and miscarriages. As someone who has been through a couple MC’s and ended up needing IVF, I thought it was really inspirational and might help others who have been through something similar. I was really surprised when a regular poster (who has allegedly left as of today) posted why they didn’t think it was uplifting and kind of picked it apart. Which, I thought was kind of strange. I’m not even sure if she had been through MC/infertility (really, don’t know…not saying they haven’t, I just don’t know). Anyways, I didn’t see how any value was added by disagreeing with an article about miscarriage being viewed as a dirty word. I wasn’t adding it for discussion; I added it in hopes that it might help someone who was struggling as I have. Maybe I shouldn’t have put it in the news/opinion topic (which I did since it was an article), probably would have been better in a loss/support topic in hindsight. But still…thought it was a strange topic to share a dissenting opinion on. So, that was the start of me pulling back a bit. I’m definitely not confrontational and I didn’t want to start anything, so I just didn’t post any responses and let the thread die. I haven’t been ‘afraid’ to post since, it just made me feel kind of “meh” about posting. Like, if that got a small dose of backlash, what else might?

2) I’ve also been of the mentality “if I don’t have anything of value to add, or if my point has already been mentioned, no need to comment”. Which, maybe isn’t the best thing – maybe I can still share my POV in my own words as others have suggested. But, many times it feels like “eh, so-and-so already said what I was thinking, no need to beat a dead horse” so I just don’t say anything.

3) Another thing that has made me pull back is something similar to what @dandelion: and @ms.badger: have said – and they have been through WAY more than I have, so I can’t even imagine how they feel if I also feel this way – I know people don’t mean to be insensitive with their threads and comments (for the most part), but I feel like there is a LOT of complaining on HB (don’t get me wrong, it happens in real life too!). Complaints about being pregnant and newborn stuff and so forth. Which I get to some extent, everyone needs an outlet. But, when you’ve been trying to have a baby for 2 years and have had 2 losses and are then told you can’t TTC naturally and will always need IVF/PGD (because you will miscarry, have a stillborn, or a child with severe disability otherwise) its just kind of hard to see the complaints about things I want/wanted so badly. I TOTALLY get that is more on me than anyone else, though. I don’t expect people to stop venting about their pregnancies or LO’s because it might offend someone. It just something that, because of my own situation, has made me pull back a little.

4) And, the flip side of my point above, since my situation is a bit unique, has made me feel like maybe I don’t fit in so much and I don’t want to piss off others. I love love LOVE the IF/IVF ladies, they are who I relate to the most, and I pray for them all the time. I lurk and cheer them on, sometimes “out loud” and sometimes just in my head. I worry that maybe they wouldn’t appreciate my comments (since I do need IVF/PGD but I am technically fertile…so do I really suffer from IF?) so I kind of went silent there. I also want to be sensitive to those who are still going through the IF/IVF struggles while I am pregnant. I know it’s a dark place and I felt a lot of bitterness during that time. I would never want to be a source of that for someone else.
So, I try to comment on the ‘advice’ type threads (things I feel strongly about like genetic testing and D&C support) but haven’t been doing a lot of general commenting or cheering, for fear of hurting others.

I don’t really know what the point of my post is. I guess I just wanted to explain why I’ve been quiet lately (not even sure anyone has noticed, ha!).
For the record, I do think that the vast majority of HB and the women who have posted in this thread are great. I've felt the love from many of you during my dark times, and I'll always be grateful for that.
I agree with a lot of points that have already been said. But, not sure anything will necessarily “change” because a lot of what I think needs to happen seems like common sense to me, so if its not already happening…I don’t know…will it ever? Just be courteous to others, disagree respectfully, think before you post, be forgiving because none of us are perfect, etc etc etc. If those aren’t things people are already doing automatically, not sure how to get them to start doing it.

@SweetiePie: just wanted to let you know I read your comment and love the advice you gave at the end.

@MrsStar: Thank you! I don't know either and didn't want to ask!

I'm so out of the loop! I wish I had time to look up what happened but I'm only on chapter 5 when I need to be at chapter 17 by tomorrow!

So I was going to go to bed early but just spent forever reading through this thread and feel the need to say a few things. I want to reply to people but there are just too many, and I've forgotten some of them!

I feel like there is a vicious cycle going on. People are afraid to post "meaningful" (for lack of a better word) posts and comments for fear of being attacked. So some don't post at all, but others post light-hearted or superficial posts. Some of the light hearted posts go totally off rails furthering the fear of being attacked. Superficial ones stay that way, hence the image that more people have lots of money on this site. Does that make sense? The same people post, the same people comment, and you're stuck in a rut.

I came to and loved hellobee because this is a group of educated women (academically or just... Um... common sense-ly?... My brain's not working or finding the right words) who gave thoughtful responses and didn't just jump on each other. More and more I've noticed that people don't just respectfully disagree and move on (as looch and shootingstar did in this thread). One person gets more and more defensive, trying to explain themselves more and more. The other person keeps at them, and sometimes others jump in. Increasingly, I feel like posters are having to defend what they said. It kinda goes back to what others have said that if you don't have something constructive to say, just move on. However, I think the "no advice, but good luck" feels nice when you aren't a frequent poster. It feels like you aren't being ignored and are being supported.

I don't know what the answer is either, but I think this thread is evidence that maybe a minority are ruiningn it for the majority. How do we all change that?

Whoa! GOMI! I've heard it mentioned before but I didn't know what it was. In a way I think it's nice that there's a place where people can just full on be nasty or vent if that's truly what they want to do but my god it's scathing and full of arrogance. Hellobee has got nothing on that. I would have felt more clean after visiting a porn site. Yuck!

What a day...

I think this has been brewing for quite awhile. I hope today's events set forth an improvement in moderation, both from Mr. Bee and users themselves. I agree with the sentiment that we all need to be more respectful and conscientious of our posts. I'm certainly guilty of posting things that, in hindsight, were hurtful to others and I do apologize.

I have appreciated HB as I've navigated through the joys and challenges of parenting a young toddler, but lately I've been back spacing or X'ing out of posts more than actually posting for fear of getting flamed by the same group that everyone seems to have the same feelings about.

I think this sums up what I think the rules should be around here. I don't think it has to be rainbows and unicorns but it certainly ought not to be a bloodbath for the sake of tearing someone to shreds to make yourself feel better. I think most of us view this as a place to get and give support and advice along the journey of TTC to sending our babies off to school!

@SweetiePie:

@SweetiePie: for what it is worth, I have noticed you not being around as much. I am outrageously excited for your baby to be almost here. I totally understand your own pulling back, but I'm still glad that you are here.

So I've been thinking about the "don't post where you don't have experience" idea all night, and I admit, that concept bugs me. Look, I don't have 27 or 17 or even 7 months of infertility battles under my belt, and I would never claim to. And I really, truly am sorry if any posts I've posted while checking on friends comes off as insensitive. But that doesn't mean I can't root for them or care for them or want to support them. I do appreciate the reminder to be aware of your audience, though, and the reminder to be kind. We can disagree, and we have all been given different paths and different burdens. The best we can do is walk with each other, and when we can, share the load.

@LovelyPlum: I personally don't mind when pregnant IFers post on IF threads. It gives us (me) hope. But I do see how others may feel different. There was a time where I felt the same way.

@TheSwissWifeStyle: Hahahhahahaha your last sentence just made my day.

@grizz: I'm sorry if my comment on the parenting choices made you or anyone else feel bad for what it's worth I love all your baby wearing posts and you.

Now with that said - I wasn't online yesterday, what in the heck happened?? Can someone please wall me.

@Kemma: People say it on GOMI because they can't / won't say it on HB and isn't it better that it's not here? "

I think that's why Hellobee's been having problems lately. There's a culture of fear if you say something opposite of the norm. It's a generally feeling of "I want to express it, but am afraid to because of dogpiles, rude behavior, etc." It's been holding back a lot of reasonable posters and letting the herd mentality happen in droves. People, including myself, are afraid to speak up on it on Hellobee for fear of reprisal.

GOMI gives some users a safe place to vent without that fear. I see it more as venting because there's such a strong culture of fear on this site that's developed in the past few months.

Honestly, I've been so busy with life lately that I haven't been on much and feel like I have been sort of oblivious to the drama that's been happening the past 2-3 months. I mean, I do/did see the gang up threads and all of the "+1"s going on on threads but I don't think I appreciated the real extent of the situation. I can really only remember one thread over the last six months where I felt like people were judging me personally (thread about whether you feel lucky in life) but I also gravitate towards threads where I have something positive to contribute / something useful to say.

I feel badly that this site has taken a negative turn particularly because it's been so helpful to me and to others over the years.

I'm not exactly saying anything useful here but felt like I should say something.

Ok I just tried reallllly hard to read most of the posts but it's too long! I haven't been on HB for too long but I'm very active. I feel like I have not been part of the drama, probably b/c I'm not in any of the cliques?

If some threads/posts rub me the wrong way, I just exit and don't read it. I also don't share everything on HB/online in general.

I too have found this place to be so helpful and encouraging. I've met some really cool people and currently love being in my Dec due date thread.

@septca: All I remember is how helpful you were when I was TTC! You were the TTC guru and always so patient to explain things to newbies. I will always, always appreciate that!

@StrawberryBee: I'm glad someone else feels the same as me! I love HB and think it's a great resource.

@SweetiePie: I just wanted to thank you for being there to offer information and advice from your unique vantage point. What you've been able to generously offer, has at times been inestimable to me.