DS is 5 and has some special needs that are not yet diagnosed as we have just begun the diagnoses process. He is currently on his 3rd year in a special education prek class and has made great progress. Now that he is older I am finding it more difficult to deal with people that do not know about his special needs. We do not talk to anyone other then extremely close friends and family about his struggles so many people we come in contact with don't know. Most recently we were at a friends horse farm and our friend lifted DS off of a hay bail and just couldn't understand why DS was freaking out and had to go back on the exact same hay bail to get down himself. He wanted to get down by himself but since she got him down he flipped. Our friend was trying to reason with him and just couldn't seem to understand what the big deal was. That same day our friend asked DS how old he was to which he responded "54 and 88" she repeatedly asked him until I stepped in and changed the subject. So how do I handle these instances? What do I say? I don't want DS's special needs to define him. Sorry for the run on sentences I am writing this and trying to keep DD from touching the keyboard.
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My only experience has been on the other side of things... We had a neighbor who's grandkids were visiting one day. I didn't realize that the graddaughter had speech delays and really didn't talk much, especially to strangers. I was asking her questions, like I would to any little kid. Neither of the parents gave me any explanation or whatnot. Instead they just answered for her or rephrased the questions. For example, she was in a bathing suit so when I asked her if she went swimming that day, the Dad said something like "Did we go to the lake today?," likely so she would respond to him versus responding to me directly.
I think it's up to you how much you want to disclose or not disclose. You might have to control the situation a bit more. When the friend lifted him off the hay, maybe put him back on and say something like "Here, now you can get down yourself" or something, so your son isn't upset?
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I'm not a special needs mom, but I work in the field, and come across this situation often.
First off, never feel forced to explain yourself. You're totally correct in that your son's special needs do not define him, as a person. First and foremost, he's a child, and each child have their struggles and strengths, neurotypical, or otherwise. That being said, it doesn't hurt to let people know that your son has some difficulties and differences in learning. Educating our community about special needs is definitely a step in the right direction towards tolerance, understanding, and acceptance.
In these instances, I would say something like, "DS really loves doing certain things independently. What we've found works best is giving him the choice to do it on his own," or "That question is difficult for him right now, but we're working on it. He does well responding to the question, ____________."
Best of luck on your diagnostic journey!
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I was going to suggest exactly that - can you say something like 'oh, he loves to climb down on his own!' ? Anything to help to explain his desires/preferences/needs without specifically framing them in as delays or medical issues.
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I have a 5 yr old, and although she doesn't have special needs, she is still really challenging. So I feel for you! I agree that you shouldn't have to explain yourself or your child outside of what you are comfortable with. If you wanted to say something about it, maybe you would want to follow up with the friend later. Especially since he is at an age where he understands everything you say. I used to say things about my DD like "oh, she's shy" until it started being a self-fulfilling prophecy and she started going around and telling people she was shy as an excuse for why she couldn't answer a question or greet someone like I asked. Wishing you the best of luck!!
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