Hellobee Boards

I love this and find this really valuable! I, too, have close family and friends that are dealing with IF and I'm always looking for more insight and information on how to be more supportive. Thank you for this!

Thanks for posting.

You rock!

@Pink Champagne: Maybe a good analogy would be having a friend without kids trying to give you parenting advice

@Mrs.Someone: ahh, thank you for clarifying. So, you only want information/suggestions from your doctors. I guess that makes sense.
I always find it helpful when people put things like, "I'm not looking for suggestions, just support." That can be helpful as a whole too, because since this is a community that loves to reach their arms out and "help", it could stave off some of those comments from people who are trying to be helpful but inadvertently hurt feelings as a result.
@spaniellove: I actually have gotten some of my best parenting advice from friends who don't even have kids- I get where you're trying to go with that analogy, but sometimes the best advice is practical and obvious, and doesn't always come from having experience caring for a tiny human ;).

@Pink Champagne: I think IRL the advice people tend to give (or that I've received) is "they have medicine you can take for that" or "why don't you just adopt?" or the worst, "my friend went on vacation/stopped trying and got pregnant! I bet that could happen to you too." This is probably not the type of advice you had in mind anyway.

@Mrs.Someone: I told my dad about our issues about 3 months ago and he responded with "We conceived you by accident!" Uh, yeah thanks dad. Exactly what I wanted to hear. Then later he said "Just have lots of sex".

@Mrs.Someone: Sorry if I might sometimes border on advice giving. I try to stick to things I know/ have taken care of. Sometimes you guys know way more than me about triggers and day 3 labs etc! I'm always impressed

I hope people do still go to the IF boards to provide moral support, though

@Mrs. Jacks: I think you bring a lot of advice and tips to the table. You haven't had IF but you still comment with sensitivity. Plus, you are a doctor and I do value your advice.

I agree that people without IF can still give moral support. The only thing is just be careful on what you say. The Resolve link is a great link.

I've said this before but a simple 'Thinking of you' is huge for me. I love it and would welcome it at any time! It's simple and to the point. It prevents people from saying something that might get taken the other way.

@mrs.cookie: Aww, thank you!

Thanks for this! I sometimes shy away from saying anything to friends (IRL or here) going through this because I am afraid of saying the wrong thing. I really do appreciate the post

I think these resources are great and really helpful. But I also think it could go a long way for the IF users to try to see where a poster is coming from with their commentary before responding defensively. Some people say they don't want to hear success stories because just because something worked for a poster's sister's best friend doesn't mean it will work for them and they only want advice from their doctor. Others find success stories to be encouraging. It can be hard for us know what side of the line an IF user will fall on. @Mrs.Someone: not too long ago I shared with you some of my SIL's story and I think (hope?) that was helpful to you. Another IF user may have been offended by me sharing that success story. But I can't control how the information is received and no matter the reaction my intention came from a good place.

@MamaMoose: The post all this stemmed from wasn't trying to share a success story, or giving advice, or trying to find a way to support her IF relatives/friends...

I think what came off so offensive was it was a post literally about the OP looking for support for having conceived easily and now having to bear "guilt" because she is in close proximity to those struggling with IF. I think it stings to be told as an IFer that not only are you struggling, you have to be careful you don't make people too sad or guilty with your struggling. And then to post this to the Infertility board was like asking the IFers themselves to console her and assure her that she doesn't have to feel bad about being fertile.

Complaining of the ailment of guilt because something good happened to you is making a problem where there isn't one. I don't feel guilty because I have a roof over my head and a fridge full of food, I feel grateful and called to help those less fortunate than I. My response to seeing people homeless and starving certainly isn't to ask friends for support because I feel guilty I am sheltered and fed. My response is to, y'know, try and shelter and feed those people. Looking for shoulders to cry on because you're "guilty" when you see someone else suffering is insensitive. It's making their problem about you.

@mrsjazz: You're certainly allowed to feel guilty, in fact I think that is a normal emotion to have in a situation like this. However, expecting support and consoling because seeing others suffer makes you feel bad because you have what they do not is insensitive to those actually suffering.

The OP was not suffering from survivors guilt. She never suffered from IF. In fact she evidentially had no trouble at all conceiving.

Not to mention, complaining about how "guilty" you feel because you have a baby and someone else you know does not is taking for granted that you have that baby.

@MamaMoose: My intention certainly wasn't to seem like I was yelling at you. I feel it was a very calm, collected and well thought out response with valid points. You can think of the last 2 paragraphs as being not directed to anyone in particular. I felt that very few posters are seeing the problem with the original post and why some responded so badly to it and wanted to explain.

ETA: I'd also like to say I forgive the OP (of the other thread) completely. I genuinely think she meant absolutely no harm and just had a bit of foot lodged in her mouth. I was just sad to see that many posters seem to think that those who were vehemently offended by her post were just being over dramatic.

@mrbee: I think the post has definitely helped. I was wondering why it wasn't at the top of the page anymore.

I have more to say @pui: but I will refrain so as not to deflect from the original intentions of this post.

@Mrs.Someone: I think that in retrospect, the timing of the thread was perhaps too close to the other one? It stirred up some lingering emotions, I think. Which is totally fair! I should've waited a bit before sticking this thread, just so the threads didn't overlap... sorry about that!!

We'd love to publish more guest blogs on IF, if you (or anyone else) is up for it... that would probably be an even better way to raise awareness! I'll also make a note to regularly sticky threads on the boards, to raise awareness about the IF experience. It's a topic that's very important to both Bee and me!