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I agree with ms. Line- it totally sucks and I am not sure it ever goes away. I also suffered secondary infertility with two losses. I found that I just avoided things I could not handle. Also, and I know not feasible for everyone, but after each of my losses my husband and I scheduled a vacation to go on that we could not have done (or would not have enjoyed) has we been pregnant. It helped to have that to look forward to. Other than that, having good friends who can listen to you vent is key. If you don't have that, I recommend maybe seeking a therapist. I started seeing one who deals with loss and I found that to be really helpful. Good luck and hopefully your struggle will be over soon.

@struggleisreal: I did have trouble with my first child; he is through Ivf. However, I get what you are feeling because the first time, we just could not get pregnant at all. Whereas this time, I have not had trouble getting pregnant (in fact, one time I even got pregnant naturally) but the difficulty has been keeping the pregnancy. So it has been hard to wrap my head around why our troubles have changed and what it all means. I am currently 7 weeks pregnant and still holding my breath in fear each and every day, so it stinks how losses also rob you of ever relaxing.

@struggleisreal: I'm so sorry you are struggling with secondary IF. The struggle is definitely real. I'm struggling with IF while trying to have my first child. Its really awful and I feel it has controlled my life for the past two years. When I feel jealousy creeping up (mostly at church, of all places, where there are about a dozen pregnant 20 and 30 year olds, ugh), I try to remind myself that I am very happy with my life as it is. My husband and I have a great time, as I'm sure you, your husband and your little one do, too. Its not good to compare ourselves to other girls with more kids or better pregnancies because we can't ever know what is going on their lives. Its not certain to be better than our own life, even if they have more kids than us. Sucks sometimes to be the childless one. But, you know, I do what I want so I just try to be happy with what I have. It doesn't always take the sting of IF away, but its all I can really do. IF has jaded me forever.

Just sending hugs your way. I don't have any advice. I didn't really have IF but it took much longer than anticipated to conceive #2 and I could get all riled up and go on and on about the things that bothered me. I hope you have a sticky baby very very soon!

I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're dealing with this. One thing that has made me feel slightly better is acknowledging feelings like jealousy, envy, anger, etc. And be ok with feeling the. I used to think and tell myself that I *shouldn't* feel jealousy or rage that another person was announcing. But IF is super upsetting and I think it's completely normal to feel those things. Hugs!

@struggleisreal: Sorry to hear about your losses and your struggles. We are TTC #1 and are in our first IVF cycle due to MFI. One of my biggest fears is finally getting the BFP and then losing it! No matter the path we take to get here, there are so many complex emotions wrapped up in IF. It automatically isolates us from people who aren't living it, so we suffer in silence lots of times, which just makes things worse. Watching everyone around me create their families with ease has been hard. It's the hardest pile of crap I've ever trudged through, but I know I'm not alone. I have to constantly remind myself that there are lots of us, even if we aren't a majority. And even some of the bumps I see around could be the result of struggle... but I hope not, for their sake.

To cope, I give myself permission to get through this anyway I can in one piece ... couples therapy, acupuncture, sometimes talking / sharing and sometimes not, meditation, avoiding people who are invasive and negative, getting support from a small inner circle I trust without hesitation...and just trying to stay in the present. If I mentally play out the good or bad outcomes longer than five seconds, or get stuck comparing myself to others, I just feel like it's a waste of energy.

The only way out is through, they say. Sucks but it's true. I wish you the best and I hope it gets a little easier!

I dealt with infertility/multiple miscarriages for 7 years. After my 5th loss, I remember sitting in the bathtub one afternoon, feeling like my life was over. I took no joy from anything. I made a conscious decision at that point: I could either spend the rest of my life a miserable, bitter person, or channel my reproductive energy in other ways, building my happiness bit by bit. I started a garden, raised chickens, got involved in my community -- anything that made me feel that I was helping to bring something good into this world. It was a long, bumpy road, but now I'm actually grateful for that journey. It helped me build the strength to finally try IVF, and that's what finally brought my baby girl into my arms. Now we enjoy the garden, and the chickens, and all the other wonderful things that made my life worth living together!

I'm sorry for your loss and that you're dealing with this! It's not easy and it just sucks.

I think it was determination that got me through. I didn't want to be bitter. I didn't want to be sad when visiting my friends and their babies. I didn't want infertility to rule my life. It was something I was dealing with, but I didn't want it to control me.

I still had plenty of times when I was sad, angry, etc. And after each failed cycle I took time for myself to process it all and wallow in self pity.

I hope you get some answers and get a bfp soon!

It took us 3 years to have our son. 2 MC's, a brain tumor diagnosis, surgery and recovery, and once we got some testing done, found out we had male factor issues. Ultimately did not need IVF and conceived miraculously. DS is now 1.

When we struggled to conceive, I would tell myself there was no reason to be jealous over other people's pregnancies because that wasn't MY baby. I told myself, "Why should I covet something that isn't mine? My baby is waiting to meet me and I want THAT baby."

Also, after the initial grief/pain, I really embraced my MC pregnancies. We named both our girls, sent out announcements to our families, told our friends and community about our losses, honored their lives, and told God I was thankful for every day I had with them. I just didn't want them be a vessel for my feelings of sadness and inadequacy. I wanted them to be cherished as the blessings they were. Ultimately, we don't control how long we get to be someone's mother - whether its 6 weeks or 60 years - so I chose to be thankful for the time we had with them. And ultimately, our 2 MCs are what diagnosed my brain tumor and getting the tumor out balanced out my hormones and made it so I could carry my son to term.

Another thing was that my husband and I really worked hard to keep our marriage strong. We went on regular dates, went on trips, worked our tails off to pay off a lot of debt and build DH's business, and I took several months off to get surgery and heal. And I remember right before we got pregnant with our son, my husband turned to me one day and said, sort of incredulously, "You know what? I love our life together. If we never had children and it was just you and me forever, I would be okay. I think I would be perfectly happy." It was such a gratifying moment for me - it showed that all the hard work we had put in to support each other had been worth it.

Looking back we both really appreciate the 3 years we had before DS. Those were tough, gritty years filled with ups and downs and heartache and scary health ordeals, but we look back it with such a sweetness. We're starting to feel the itch for baby #2 and we have no idea if we will be lucky enough to conceive a second time and perhaps we'll end up adopting (which can take quite a bit of time too), but hopefully we will remember the lessons we learned last time and really embrace the time we have with just our son as a privilege and work on being a strong family of 3 for both our sake and for LO2.

Hugs to you.

@struggleisreal: I don't have a ton of good advice, but just wanted to send you I am so incredibly sorry for your losses and hope that some explanation is available soon. The unknown is always the hardest for me to process and I hope that you are able to find some peace and perhaps a roadmap through some concrete answers, if they exist. Don't be afraid to push for a possible answer, even if it doesn't seem to be your doctor's priority.

Also remember that it's OK to feel this sadness even though it's hard and not always easy to see coming. Grief takes on new shapes and can surprise us in ways we least expect it. No matter how much we rationalize something (like being ok with other people's pregnancies and babies), it's still hard when it appears that someone else may be having an easier time than we are. When you need to cry, cry. When you need to be angry, be angry. But know that you're not alone.

Sending you big hugs and wishes for comfort and answers soon. xoxo

I don't have advice since I'm barely holding it together myself but I have a very similar story. I have a 3 year old at home and have been trying to conceive since December of last year. I ended up pregnant in June only to end up miscarrying at 7 weeks (and went through a scary ectopic scare as well). I feel like I am in a holding pattern in life until I have baby #2 (can't make a job change, I've stopped drinking wine, eating certain foods I like, etc.). I feel like I make all of my life decisions on the possibility of being pregnant (like skipping a vacation to Napa because what if). I spend tons of my already inadequate free time at acupuncture appointments, fertility appointments, etc. and all the while I am accosted with the news of friends having their third and fourth babies.

I don't have any advice but I can definitely commiserate for what its worth. My husband and I are taking our first trip without our son in a couple weeks and I am hoping that will help me get out of this funk (at least temporarily) and that we will have time to discuss getting a long term plan in place for ivf, etc.

@struggleisreal: We can be lucky but have our tough moments too. xxx

Hope everything will be OK soon. Just try to concentrate on other things: good comedies, new hobbies, sport etc.