kiwi / 578 posts
@MrsADS: I honestly wonder if this is a situation where he more he knows you care, the more resistant he will be. Is there a way you could still make it clear diapers are gone (maybe except for sleep) and then just.... let him be and see what happens? Wait for him to come to youto want to be cleaned up? Maybe stay outside all day with a little potty? Our kid was mostly trained by his montessori school and their theory is it is his work/ they explain it, and the. Let him figure it out. Totally low pressure, expectation is that accidents will happen, and most kids find their self motivation once external motivations are removed (both bribes and desire to please parents). I’m not potty training expert- my kid still requests a pull up to poop- but if you really want him to get it and you’re tearing your hair out, maybe see if that works?
persimmon / 1442 posts
@MrsBucky: I think this is good advice. I also wouldn’t go back, if diapers are gone they’re gone. 2 days isn’t long enough for anything to click. I would just take the pressure off and expect accidents and go with it
nectarine / 2007 posts
@mrsbucky @gotkimchi I totally agree with this philosophy, but the practical aspects are kind of throwing me on what to do. If he refuses to sit on the potty (or sits maybe 1 out of every 10 times), doesn't care at all if his pants are wet or dirty (actually had a tantrum this morning because I had to take off his pee-soaked shorts), what do I do? He has to go back to daycare on Tuesday and although they are on board with potty training, I don't think they will let him come in underwear if they have to clean up like 10 accidents a day. And if he's in diapers/pullups at school and then at home pees everywhere... I mean, I don't know what to do with that. We can't go anywhere unless he's back in a diaper or pull up.
What I would PREFER to do is just wait until he's more ready and willing on his own (and he DOES care if he's wet and wants to sit on the potty and wear undies). Unfortunately I can't do that because of the school deadline.
We have been staying outside all day yesterday and today with a little potty (except for a few stints inside). Yesterday he did pretty well - today the novelty seems to have worn off and as the day is going on, he's less and less interested in sitting on the potty and just pees on the patio or the grass.
grapefruit / 4040 posts
@MrsADS: Chiming in to say I feel your pain. We tried the 3 day method this weekend and it ended in DS crying at the sight or mention of the potty. So we are going to table it for now. You can’t force them. Let us know what ends up working for you!
@MrsADS: I totally get it. I found the entire process infuriating and triggering for me, hah. I think I’d try calling his bluff re: wet pants. You want to keep your gross underwear on? Ok: let me know when you change your mind. Sometimes it’s just letting them choose. I wouldn’t let him stay in wet pants for an hour plus, but I’d see if letting it be his choice might help? Can he dress himself at all? If he can, let it be his work to take off the soiled clothes, put them in a dedicated place, and put on clean clothes. Tell him he can’t sit on the furniture that is upholstered until he get the hang of the potty, and take him off when he tries to climb on. If he wants to go somewhere, let him know he has to sit on the potty first, (we sing the Abcs) or he can’t go. Obviously I get that there are practical limitations, and like I said, the process drove me so insane. But if he’s making it a power struggle, I think all you can do is put it on him. And... if you really want to wait, then being in a “baby” class a while longer won’t permanently stunt him, you know? Explain to him if he cares that when he is ready to use the potty he can move up to the big kid class and then it’s his choice. I dunno. Theee is infuriating and hard. I’m really sorry!
clementine / 789 posts
@MrsADS: Here's what I'd do, take off the shorts, go outside, bring a little potty out, and make no mention of it. Play, eat, drink a cocktail, whatever. Just don't mention potty once. See where he goes. If he starts peeing, pick him up, put him on the potty, and say "we pee on the potty". If he goes on the potty make a big deal.
I would not stress about daycare. Just continue at home and then when he's more ready switch at school. We did a 5 day boot camp followed by a week of diapers at school. We explained that if he had to go to tell his teacher. It took about 3 weeks until they were on board with undies inside. We literally would put on the diaper right as we left and took it off as soon as we were home.
Re wet pants. It's gross, but pee is sterile. I wouldn't fight about it, but I also wouldn't put my kid back in pants. I'm a huge fan of lots of naked time.
olive / 68 posts
@MrsADS: I'm sorry today isn't going as well! I just wanted to chime in that we went back to pull-ups with my daughter after two false starts of switching to underwear unsuccessfully and it worked out eventually. I felt like it went against every piece of advice I'd heard (and believed in!) when we switched back to pull-ups those two times, but it didn't seem to hold her back when she really was ready to make the switch to underwear full time...and it saved my sanity in the meantime.
pear / 1648 posts
I would just ignore it, but have him totally bare bum and get him to help clean up messes when they happen if you like. I think i’d Skip the treat if it doesn’t work anyway and just let him go about his day and play and if he goes in the potty great and if he doesn’t then oh well. Pee is easy to clean up and just don’t let it bug you if there’s an accident.
We repeated the phrase “where does your poo and pee go?” A lot at the beginning and if there was an accident we just said “oh, your poo and pee needs to go in the toilet/potty”.
I have a pretty stubborn toddler (but that’s pretty normal I guess!) so I try not to get into arguments about the toilet.
Whenever you’re at home i’d Just strip him down and make that the norm for now and put a diaper on for the car. Hopefully if there’s less pressure or nudging from parents (that he’ll want to fight because that’s what these little people do often) then he’ll lose interest in the fight and it will gradually become clear to him that going to the toilet is just a little thing we do in our day. Also, you can loudly announce when you’re going to the toilet in a fun sounding voice and so it with the door open and say you feel much better after and are happy you didn’t pee/poo in your pants. Just as an extra thing to try. It doesn’t require any action or response from him, but I feel like they do listen and take stock of all situations and things we say on a daily basis.
@wrkbrk uggh hugs mama. Honestly I want to quit too but I feel like we have to push on b/c of the school deadline.
@mrsbucky thanks! Those are all good ideas. He is just soooo strong willed that everything becomes a huge battle. Like the wet pants - I was totally fine with him being naked but I wasn't going to let him sit in wet pants all day, you know? Because he would literally keep them on all day. And whenever I have to force an issue (i.e. taking off the wet pants, or I won't let you sit on the couch while you're learning to potty) results in a HUGE TANTRUM. Like screaming, hitting, total hysteria. So I can put it on him but he will flip out. It's a total power struggle, you're exactly right. And I guess if he's in his 2's class a little longer it's not the end of the world. I don't think they will let him stay forever though - like within a few months he's going to have to move up or leave b/c they have such a high demand for spots.
@pollywog thanks! that is great advice. That is basically what we did this morning and that's the plan for today. Thank you for sharing your experience, that's exactly what I was hoping to hear. I don't think he will be ready to go to school in underwear on Tuesday. Being stuck at home SUCKS and I cannot imagine 5 more weekends of sitting at home outside peeing everywhere (we are in south Florida and it's boiling hot). I would like to be able to go out and do stuff .Maybe pullups when we go out and no diaper at home, IDK.
@caitcat thanks. I think we will continue bottomless, eventually moving to commando, then to undies at home, but probably pullups/diapers while out and about for a little while because he's not quite there and I can't deal with being stuck at home for weeks at a time.
Also came back to say that you can give him some choice/ ownership of potty training by saying “do you want to pee in the big toilet or the potty before we go out or do whatever activity/ watch a show etc”. There is no option not to pee, just the option of location.
@Mrs. Goose yeah except when I do that, he screams "NOOOO I DON'T WANT TO USE THE POTTY!" So... Then what do I do? I can't force him
clementine / 818 posts
@MrsADS: I think I'd wait a couple of weeks (maybe try again August 1? That would still give you a few weeks to get it by his birthday). DD used to get hysterical and scream and cry if we tried to get her to use the potty. We took her diapers away yesterday and this time she's been great! We are nowhere near potty trained (0/3 successes yesterday and one success and a lot of pee holding today) BUT this time she is happy to sit on the potty and hasn't gotten emotionally upset at all. And it's only been a few weeks since last time we tried.
@MrsADS: in that situation I would say ok! Let me know when you’re ready so we can leave/watch show whatever! And then just go about my business
persimmon / 1499 posts
@MrsADS: I agree with @Dahlia: that I’d wait a couple more weeks. We started potty training with DS exactly 2 weeks before his 3rd birthday, which was a few days before preschool started and he was expected to be fully trained. He did really well with it - we never used pull ups and he had no accidents at school. In our case we waited bc we had a newborn and wanted to get through the first 6 weeks. Also, for what it’s worth, the second day of training was the worst and mentally very draining for us. So don’t lose hope based on one bad day!
(We did straight bribery. Stickers to fill in a dinosaur scene I drew on big paper for every pee. Pick a matchbox car from a treasure chest for (1) every poop and (2) staying dry all day with no accidents.)
@jape14: How did you know he was ready? We tried this weekend and my son was not (even though I thought he was). We have four 1/2 months until he’s 3....
pomegranate / 3748 posts
@MrsADS: from the other side of things (this was our exact situation), BACK OFF. Go back to pull ups and don’t mention the potty for 2 weeks. It’ll be so tempting to offer it but do not say a word. In 2 weeks, leave the underwear out and say “my mistake, I forgot you don’t use these anymore.” See his reaction and go from there. He has identified he has power, that this matters to you, and you are about to go down a rough road. I attempted to fight through it at first and things spun out pretty dramatically.
@jape14: You fail to mention that you were just equally traumatized by T’s training and were just waiting until J potty trained himself.
On the plus side, hopefully he shows such resilience when presented with peer pressure in future years?
@MrsADS: my kid has also done that, a lot, and so we couldn’t go do whatever the thing I said we were going to do was and I waited out a tantrum. The only time I guess that fails is if you have to go some where, but it isn’t something the kid cares about anyway. I feel like doing this isn’t technically forcing them, because they still have to take the time and go to the potty if they want to do /have whatever the thing is.
I cant force my toddler to the potty/toilet because an epic meltdown will ensue and likely nothing will come out anyway, but I know that she can usually squeeze out a drop of pee if she hasn’t gone for a while and decides she wants to....so it’s tricky.
Do you think if you wait a few more days or weeks it’s going to be any less of a power type struggle? I also agree with pp that the next day(s) May just get easier, or hopefully will.
@wrkbrk: first - we didn’t do the oh crap method for what that is worth. We had been doing a nightly pee on the potty regularly for many months and he started wanting to do it in the mornings too (he would ask). He also started staying dry after lots of naps and other times. We did have the school deadline but I’m glad we waited until closer to 3 versus earlier in that summer.
He’s a pretty easygoing kid but I do think the oh crap approach wouldn’t have worked for him. We tried to make it low key and fun (read: filled with bribes). We also had a newborn in the house so there was no way we could have gone with such an intense method.
@LBee: this is a good idea too.
Toddlers are so tricky and I find it’s so often a battle of trying to sort of outsmart them and tread the very thin emotional line...daily.
@jape14: Got it thanks! I kind of assumed everyone did oh crap or a version of it. My wife says it very much wasn’t for our son. This gives me hope there are other ways! Instead of just tying the same thing again in two months or whatever.
Coming back to say we just finished day 2 with three pees on the potty and no accidents (girlfriend is a camel). The last two pees she just calmly walked herself to her potty, sat down and peed without saying anything. Even getting her to sit on the potty was a full on meltdown two weeks ago, so if tomorrow doesn't go well I would definitely try waiting a few weeks.
blogger / persimmon / 1185 posts
I agree about waiting. However, the only thing I have to add which worked wonders for our stubborn girl who has gone through several short phases of refusal is a potty watch. There are a few different versions. One actually looks like a potty! They're cheap on Amazon, really simple, and toddlers think they're SO COOL. You set it to 30, 60 or 90 min intervals and it lights up and plays a little song. Super simple. For some reason, having the potty watch be the one reminding her it was time was SUPER DUPER FUN and me reminding her was basically the end of the world. Whatever.
wonderful persimmon / 25963 posts
@MrsADS: Have you tried asking your son what you can do to help him better understand what you're asking him to do?
I use this technique with my son when he's trying to turn something into a power struggle, and granted, he's older, but I honestly think if I had tried this earlier, we could have avoided some blow ups.
wonderful pomelo / 30479 posts
@MrsADS: I feel your pain. Potty training a strong-willed child is pure torture!
You can read all about my torture here: http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/veterans-day-potty-training
But I think the key is really trying to be a low-key about it as possible. Let HIM decide when he has to go potty. Let HIM figure it out. Make HIM help clean up messes. While potty training, I put a garbage bag on the couch with a towel over it and told him he could sit on the couch, but it had to be on the towel. He wasn't a fan, but I wasn't making him do it "You can choose to sit on the couch on the towel or sit on the floor." But whenever I tried to force him to use the potty is when we had set backs. And just celebrating when he actually DID use it. Make it as positive an experience as possible and try to act like you just don't care otherwise.
Daycare SHOULD be experienced with potty training children. Mine had no issues with me sending my son in underwear during training. I sent a ton of spare clothes, including spare shoes, and just apologized a bunch, but they were totally cool with it. Hopefully your daycare will be the same.
If you're serious about training, I wouldn't turn back now. These first few weeks will absolutely be the worst, but I imagine going back to diapers will just make trying again later HARDER because he'll know that if he's stubborn enough, you'll give in!
@Mrs. Turtle: A friend just showed us their potty watch last night! They look super fun.
@Mrs. Turtle: Genius - looking it up now.
@Dahlia: @wrkbrk: They break quickly, if we were still using it I'd go ahead and order a couple!
@wrkbrk: @Dahlia: @MrsADS: When using the potty watch I'd play it up too, "Oh my gosh, what's that song? Is that YOUR watch? What is it telling you to do??" With O, she'd respond "PEE ON THE POTTY!!!" And then I knew I'd won.
@Mrs. Turtle: God so so true hahahaha.
@wrkbrk: I don't feel like we get a ton of out smarting victories with her, so when I do I like to celebrate.
@Mrs. Turtle: Ordered the watch!
Thanks all... sorry for the delayed update, 6 week old + 2 year old = no time to do anything. No change on the home front, he is not motivated, but will occasionally pee on the potty. He is in underwear at daycare as of yesterday. Yesterday he had 3 accidents in the morning and 1 in the afternoon. He came home wearing his underwear but refused to pee on the potty at home and had an accident. Daycare wants to keep him in underwear, so I guess we will continue and see how this goes.
@MrsADS: How's the potty training going? Was thinking of you and hoping it's getting better!
@Dahlia he is doing a lot better... at daycare. Not at home. He is super compliant for them and does whatever they ask, so he is in underwear full-time there (except for naps) and as long as they take him to go every 30 mins or so, he stays dry. He is having about 1 accident a day at school. But he won't go on his own - they have to remind him to go. But, baby steps.
At home...yeesh. He knows what to do but I think he's like rebelling against having to do it at school. He comes home and cries his eyes out if I ask him to use the potty, hits me, tantrums, has accidents. On weekends if we leave the house I still have to put a diaper on him. I am hoping eventually the success at school will become second nature at home. I hate having to push him to do it at school.
@MrsADS: My son trained at school before he got it at home also, which was so frustrating. He did eventually get it, though! At least the school concern is resolved mostly for the time being?
@MrsADS: Sorry you're still having trouble at home! It does seem like a good sign to me that he can do it at school, though.
GOLD / pomegranate / 3002 posts
@MrsADS: FWIW, my son is 6 and there are times I have to tell him to just go potty! He trained at 3.5 and if I remember correctly he still had to be reminded to go until almost 4.5, otherwise it was a race to the potty.
olive / 56 posts
sorry, haven't read all the responses, so not sure if someone already mentioned it. but my LO was like this too, hated when i would ask her to go potty and threw a tantrum. what helped was buying a potty watch, they're like $10. you can set a timer for every 30, 60, 90 mins and it'll play a song when time is up. my LO thought it was fun and i didn't have to tell LO to go to the potty. after a month, she was going on her own without the watch. only time i have to ask her to go is before we go out and sleeping.
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