Hellobee Boards

We usually have the same recurring right as well, what works best for us is sitting down and trying to stay calm (he has a German temper and I have an Irish one, never a good combination.) But it's usually me needing some extra love and he usually is pretty good at recognizing that and makes an effort to show it more, it doesn't always come easy to him. But I'm someone who needs affection.

We acknowledge that it's the same fight, at least then OTs normally shorter and more focused on the "new" aspect of the problem, and it's easier to bring it up as an issue when we're not actively pissed off. Our fights are about him working too much, and there's no way to change that for us right now, so maybe it's different when it's more under his control... Sorry, I'm no help!

Yes, we have variations of the same fight over and over. There is slow improvement. It's similar to yours-- he can't commit to family things in advance because "it's too stressful" but when his buddy texts him about golfing he has no problem committing. Its frustrating but I guess it's better that we just have a couple of points of conflict, vs everything being a fight? Right?

Could you talk to him when you are not upset and tell him that planning your dates in advance is important to you? I know for me half the fun of any trip or special date is the planning. I just love the planning & anticipation. I love having something on my calendar to look forward to. My DH doesn't always make plans with me or understand this excitement. When it comes to his family he has to be the one to make plans or people don't really get together. So maybe when it comes to making plans for us he is all planned out. Does that make any sense?

Aw, man that's so hard. I feel like you need to get to the root of the issue - the WHY part of the problem. There's got to be a reason he gets so excited about doing stuff with his friends months in advance while he wont plan anything with you. Figure out the reason and get solutions-based instead of feelings-based.

Approach the issue when you're not in the heat of a fight, come in calm and nice, and frame it like "I was thinking today about how its hard to make plans with each other to do stuff and I feel like a lot of times, it ends up with you feeling annoyed and me being hurt. I'm tired of feeling that way, but I realize that just giving up on planning stuff to do together is really bad for our marriage. And yet on the other hand, if this is the way its going to be, we're just going to keep having this annoying fight over and over and its just going to make planning dates and stuff worse in the future. Honestly, it just makes me feel like dookie. I feel stuck. I feel like I'm being a nagging wife and it sucks. I would like to be pursued and wooed and loved and instead I feel rejected or that I'm a drag to be around. I don't want you to associate going on dates with me with feeling annoyed or hassled. I want us to both look forward to spending special time together. So I'd like to talk about what you think we can do to fix this, because I really love you and want to look forward to doing things together."

Perhaps you can suggest newer ways to handle the issue. For example, maybe instead of initiating all the planning, give him a list of things you would like to do with him or a list of expectations you have for time together. Like, "every six months, I'd like to go on a fun weekend trip together that involves _________" or "I would really like to have a monthly date night that involves a restaurant nice enough to get pretty for" and then ask him to plan it. Or maybe its that he finds your idea of bonding time (like a weekly date) mundane, but WOULD find planning a big annual vacation more exciting. If he doesn't like your suggestion, then say "Okay, well why don't we stick a pin in the conversation for a few days so we can think about a better solution and regroup on Tuesday, okay?" and move on without pouting. Bring it up again a few days later like "So, have you had a chance to think about what we talked about the other night?"