This is what divorce looks like. Maybe this should be gold, maybe this should be private, maybe.... maybe. Writing about, talking about it, feels cathartic right now and I don't feel like I have anything to be ashamed of. I wish I had known that this is what it looks like sometimes. I'd imagined it looked liked downed aircraft, pieces scattered in wreckage, blood and fire, no survivors. Maybe sometimes it does, but this time it didn't. I thought it was filled with fire, fueled with rage or hurt, I thought it was loud, I didn't know it could be so quiet or just how much quiet could hurt.

We've known for awhile, just not saying aloud. He moved out so long ago. I wanted to be sure, I didn't want either of us to have regrets. He tried. I tried. We tried. It was close, I had a lot of hope. We have nothing but love between us. He is, was, my best friend, and I his. He is my home. He is a part of me, the most pure and beautiful part of me. But the ultimate act of love and kindness was for us to spare our marriage from his illnesses (for those who've been spared the details until now, bipolar alcoholic), the illnesses will be deadly if they aren't treated properly and they're toxic to everything in their path. Quarantining them seemed to be the only option where anyone could survive. So I lose, and he loses, but maybe we can both be okay, someday. Maybe when he is whole and well as an individual, he can be the partner he wants to be, that I know he can be, just to someone else. And maybe I'll have a chance at a life that somewhat resembles the one I'd hoped for, just with someone else. We'll never be the people we were before being together, you can't get all your pieces back once they've become a part of someone else, but I know that even though there might be some pieces of me missing, the pieces he left with me are now my best and strongest parts and I wouldn't change that for the world.

We spent this weekend saying goodbye. We didn't want anything left unsaid or unresolved. It was like when a loved one dies, you spend time reminiscing, grieving, trying to process it all. We looked at old pictures, we got the cupcakes we had at our wedding, we made lists of all the things we loved about each other. Some things that were meant to be distractions had moments that hit too close to home, we went to brunch- jay z's 'song cry' came on in the car, it's not a song you hear on the radio much now, but it did & it felt so much sadder than I remembered it. We played cards against humanity, 'What ended my last relationship?' his remaining card was 'Doing the right thing'. Even the cats seemed to know something was wrong & wouldn't leave us be.

I feel like my partner died and his body is still walking around going on, sometimes he even comes back and is himself again, it's a bittersweet dance. When people hear we're divorcing, they say things intending to be supportive, like 'he wasn't good enough for you!' or 'you'll meet someone even better!', these comments are the worst. No one would say that to someone grieving the loss of their loved one that had died. He fought being sick and maybe he didn't win, yet, but he is still a beautiful soul, my favorite soul, and I didn't leave him, he didn't leave me, we took our marriage out of the path of fire, we both gave up our favorite part of life so as not to hurt the other or stand in their way. So anyway, that's what this divorce looks like. It looks like a lot of love and more tears than I knew I had.