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@SweetiePie: Has she responded? I'm so curious!
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@Coral: nothing yet! I'm curious and nervous. But my husband is making me swear to not reply no matter what.
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@SweetiePie: So glad to read that you sent a response to end things and took down the recommendations. The more I hear about her behavior, the more shocked I become. That is so incredibly unprofessional that she kept mentioning her pay being low. And it wasn't! I'm in a smaller metro area (Portland, Oregon), but childcare is still expensive here and typical rates for a nanny for one child are around $12-16. Even with two kids $20 is close to the top of the range. And the fact that she thinks it's acceptable to be a nanny and do zero picking up around the house? Absurd! Picking up after yourself and the kids, and basic light house keeping, especially with napping kiddos is absolutely the norm. As a general rule, us nannies like to be busy--or we wouldn't want to be working with kids--and we want to help out.
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@Corduroy: that was my experience too on Sitter City. Babysitters that responded to my posting had much higher rates in their profile than what I was offering. Still they were willing to work at my rate. Funny enough my BFF in the DMV said she wouldn't watch a newborn for less than $20. She cares for her brothers kids for free though. Depending on the time of day she's juggling 4 kids at once- 1 or 2 may still be in diapers.
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@SweetiePie: the way you describe yourself in these situations is much of the same way I feel about myself. I know part of the guilt I feel about that kind of stuff is a long time fear of being unliked by just about anyone. You end up feeling so unjustified when something like this happens to you that you want to cuss and yell to make up for the fact that you spent so much time worrying about someone else's feelings and then get burned. At least, that's how I feel in these situations!
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Oh good lord! That was an amusing way to start my Friday. Echoing everyone else, she totally acts like she's entitled and if I had a kid, I wouldn't hire her--no hesitation. Good on you for cutting ties. You've done way too much for her. I'm sure everyone has given you great advice on what to do.
P.S. She sounds like a teenager!
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@PixieStix: yessssss exactly. I am so worried about hurting someone's feelings or their wellbeing that I go out of my way to make sure they are cared for and when something like this happens it makes me extra mad. I don't expect anything in return, but when it's such blatant disrespect or ungratefullness it's hard to look past.
And I was going to add on my own, even before your response, that a lot of my anger in this post is at myself! That I just overdid it and allowed myself to be in this position. For 2.5 years I've let her take advantage of me and I'm just mad at myself for it. -
@SweetiePie: Did you change your locks? She sounds rather erratic.
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@SweetiePie: I pay my part-time nanny $25 an hour in NYC. And I know she makes about that for the family she works for on her other three days. It's higher than average but not out of the realm of possibility. We live on the UWS.
I can't read your other post bc it's Gold but I went through something very similar with our nanny (who now comes 1 day a week). I felt similarly that I was doing all this work posting and she wasn't particularly appreciative and also poorly reflected on me when she no-showed on interviews or stuff like that.
While we love her dearly and she loves my kids, I stopped trying to find her a new position.
She ended up finding one on her own and it's no longer my problem.In this case, I would just stop trying to help her but I don't really think writing an angry response will help anything.
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@Trailmix: you have twins! I think that is an exception
I know for families with 2+ kids the rate is more like $20 and up. She's looking to find a family with one baby, ideally newborn.
I would be so surprised if you knew other families who pay that much for a single child. I live on the UES and between the mom boards and my own friends I've never heard of anything like that.
She also has no education, no training, no recent CPR cert, she takes no initiative to find classes or arrange play dates - she's skipped class with my son because it's raining.
She won't do any housework either. (She did with me but apparently was pretty disgruntled because now she keeps going on and on about how that wasn't her job and she did it for me as a courtesy. She told a new mom that she would only change baby, feed baby and interact with baby. Nothing else even during naps. -
@SweetiePie: I totally agree with all your points and that it's best to stop being in contact with her as what she is looking for in a nanny position isn't particularly reasonable (althought it could happen- my nanny does make I think $23/hour for a single infant, just depends on whether you can find a family willing to pay that!).
My only point was that writing an angry response probably wouldn't help the situation and that either ignoring her text or a short, to-the-point message would be more effective, that's all! -
@Trailmix: oh yes, I understand! I agree and ultimately sent a few sentences just clarifying that I did not include the things she says I included in my ad and told her that I will be a reference but I don't think I should be involved in her search any longer. SHe hasn't responded and that's exactly the way that I hope it stays.
Ladies here plus my husband talked me off the ledge yesterday ha ha. -
@SweetiePie: Just another thought, have you blocked her on facebook? I would consider doing that so she can't worm her way back into your life and she can't see if you are both in groups about childcare and you want to provide a reference.
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Oh man I just caught up on all of this. First of all, I completely emphatize with how you react to these situations - I am horrible with conflict and get terrible anxiety about situations like this. BUT, I completely agree you needed to cut her off. You are being taken advantage of and she's manipulative and ridiculous. I hope she doesn't write you back.... Block her on FB, delete her from your phone (or put her as "do not answer") and filter her emails to spam. I have to go cold turkey on this sort of conflict or it consumes me.
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@T.H.O.U.: @psw27: oh yeah I blocked her on FB
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@looch: @SweetiePie: That was my thought! I would probably consider changing the locks as well.
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@SweetiePie: Oh gosh, so glad you cut ties. Hopefully the saga is over and STAYS OVER!
When I was trying to decide between nanny and daycare, I was looking on care.com and a FB nanny group and they all claim to make $20-25/hr and I was floored. According to a lady who runs a nanny matching agency, they also expect: at least 20 hrs guaranteed, 2 weeks PTO, health care stipend, mileage reimbursement of .54 cents per mile, holidays paid and legally paid. This is pretty much when I decided I couldn't figure out what was normal and went with daycare instead.
The lady from the agency also said that nannies in NYC "make more than here some are close to 70 to 100k a year." I can't imagine that to be actually true for 99.9% of nannies in NYC.
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@sunny: yeah it's DEFINITELY not true. The woman at the agency was trying to convince you that is normal because it's probably a hard sell. I don't know many people at all who went through an agency since it is significantly more expensive, though there are definitely pros. I would 100% do that next time. And the agencies do tend to fetch more because they are background checked, meet some basic requirements, usually CPR certified, legal and can be paid on the books, etc. AND since they are going through the agency it's higher because the agency gets a cut. My ex nanny definitely would not qualify for an agency so she is delusional that she should get that same pay.
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@Pancakes: @looch: fortunately I live in a doorman building which is very secure (not to sound gauche, but we have some legit a-list celebrities in our building so they are really really tight on security) - they'd never let her up without calling me first. And I also told them specifically that she's not allowed - so she's really never getting up here!
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@SweetiePie: Haha, good to know! I know all about those kind of doorman buildings!
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@SweetiePie: whew!
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I thought it was over. This all happened Thursday and we made it to Sunday without a response from her. I have felt so much lighter knowing I was finally done with her drama and guilt trips. Which is odd for me because usually I would feel so much guilt for essentially telling someone to F off. So that's how I knew it was right.
Then I woke up this morning to this:Good morning xxxxxxx how are you all I was scared to read your text until now I thought you were mad with me and I did not want to read that so I just I am sorry if in an way that it sounded like an accusation because I truly appreciate all the post you put out for me ,I asked because they were so totally off from what I read above* again thank you how is xxxxx hug him for me give him my love .
*I shared my referrals/posts with her so she could see exactly what I said.
So I still want to be done with her, truly I do. I've felt great the past few days thinking "she's gone! I'm done!" But it's a bit harder to just ignore/don't reply when she sends something like this. I do think she is probably panicking that she lost her biggest asset (no one else has been helping her like I have) and trying to backpedal. I don't believe for a second that she left a text on her phone all weekend and didn't read it. I think she did - got pissed - and then realized she should probably kiss my ass because she might have to do some actual work. So she's playing on my feelings again. But this time it won't work. 10% of me feels bad by just not responding but 90% knows it's the way to go.
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@SweetiePie: think of it this way- she didn't respond to you for 3 days, so why should you? Shelve it for at least the next few days, and by then hopefully the 90% will have won out.
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@SweetiePie: I think you're right. This is her "oh shit I can't control the situation anymore. Better make sure we're ok so I can get a good referral!" And then once you don't respond she'll be all pissed at you.
I saw a meme once that said something like "once someone can't control you anymore, they'll try to control the way others see you." I'm not necessarily saying she'll do this but she sounds like she may be that kind of person. Unfortunately I have this experience with a family member so.. I know first hand how whiney someone can be in this situation, and talk about you behind your back.
Soldier on, mama. You're doing just fine.
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@PixieStix: Oh I'm sure she may talk some smack, but we have zero people in common. She's a 62 year old woman from Barbados who lives in the middle of nowhere. The only person she might say something to is another nanny that I am friendly with because our kids are friends. But even then I don't care. I'm better friends with the mom. So she can talk all she wants and it will have zero impact on my life. I could have way more impact on hers, but I won't. It's not worth it.
@Anya: Ha yes that's how I feel! No immediate response is necesary and I think the more time goes by the easier it is. My husband thinks I should send a few monotone words like "all good, best of luck" so that it's not a total ghost but she gets that I'm not interested in any type of involved or personal relationship. I'm considering it, but again waiting a few days.
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@SweetiePie: I wouldn't respond at all. That was a manipulative response to see if the door is still open. It's shut.
So glad you feel lighter! Let that feeling carry you for the next few days and weeks. Be strong!
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Stay strong! Don't respond! Your husband's response doesn't sound bad, but I would worry it would open the door for her to ask you for help again
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@Mrs. Lemon-Lime: @Mrs. Pickle: Thank you! I am leaning towards no response. I agree that any kind of response is just reopening a closed door. When it comes down to it, she is manipulative and I am easily manipulated. So it's just best to sever ties.
I also like this because if this current round of IVF ends up working (fat chance) and we have #2 and I do need part time help, she will not be shocked if I don't ask her. If we kept cordial and in touch I think she'd be furious if she found out I had another and didn't ask her to come back. If we have zero relationship then it just is what it is. -
@SweetiePie: DO NOT RESPONNDDDD!! Move on!
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Well now you know her response. Block her number.
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I wouldn't respond either. There is nothing else to say.
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@SweetiePie: NO! Do not reply! You need a clean break, let this be the end. You're right, she did not wait the whole weekend to read your text. She freaked out, thought it out a while and crafted a response that would pull at your heart strings. Don't let it!
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agree with others, done and done! I love cold turkey on this stuff. Especially since her response was a crock of crap. It's not like she was honest/apologetic/etc she's just continuing to try and manipulate the situation.
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I can't read the original link but my first instinct is why are you trying to promote a "dud" to someone else?! Anyways, I'd just ignore her and cut ties. You've gone above and beyond.
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I just did a lot of reading, and holy cow. Why are you still responding to this woman?!? Cut the cord! You owe her nothing. Do not respond! You have gone way above and beyond and she's completely taking advantage of your kindness. Walk away from your phone
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Yikes, what a drama! You don't owe this woman anything else. I would not respond.
I know for families with 2+ kids the rate is more like $20 and up. She's looking to find a family with one baby, ideally newborn.
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