Just looking for a little bit of insight on how to handle something. For starters a little background info....the only full blood brother I had(have) was special needs and he passed away at 11mo, I was 3. The only memory I have of him is his funeral(and even that I had to seek clarification from my mother of if what I was dreaming/remembering actually happened or was it just a dream). Because of this any kiddo with special needs really pulls at my heartstrings, when the LO is close to me certain things are unbearable. When I was 14 my next to youngest little brother had to have an asthma treatment due to his age they used the oxygen mask because he wasn't old enough to hold the plastic tube in his mouth...I LOST MY SH**!! I could not handle it I walked out of the dr office crying while my mom had no clue what was wrong with me. Fast forward 12 years and now I am a stepmom to a little handsome guy with special needs. The first time I met him he was in the hospital with an illness that was effecting other parts of life causing seizures and the works....I was highly emotional and felt like a total jerk because I was "ready to go" after being there for only about 10 minutes. I wasn't actually ready to go I just couldn't handle seeing him hooked up to the machines and ventilator and such. Now slightly more than a year later I am still very distant when he is in the hospital but I can be in his room with him at his moms and talk to him and kiss him and such. I got brave a few months ago and asked his mommy if I could actually hold him. She obliged and it went shockingly well for all of about 5 minutes then as rude and mean as I felt I couldn't bear to hold him anymore. I want to get more involved in his care and learning the things he needs but 1. I feel like such a jacka** when I ask questions and 2. I don't want to be an inconvenience to mom because she has to bear with my emotions when trying to teach me things. Any advice on how to get past this block I have.
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You need to find a way to the child’s needs before your own emotional response. From what you’ve described, you’re having a deep-seated reaction based on events you can’t even fully remember; being any kind of parent, step or birth or adopted etc, means your kid has to come first. Maybe that’s through some kind of mantra you tell yourself, like your stepson isn’t your brother, maybe it’s through breathing techniques, I don’t know. But therapy could prob help.
It’s not really comparable but reminds me of when my husband’s father was first diagnosed with cancer, his impulse was to avoid it, and when pressed, he said he couldn’t handle it, he hated hospitals. Well, no one likes hospitals (unless they’re medical professionals!), but you have to step up and be there for your loved one anyway. No one likes seeing a kid in pain, but it’s more important to give the kid the love and care they need and project strength for them than give into ones emotional response, or at the least support their primary caregivers. You can’t make this about yourself.
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Counseling with a compassionate therapist would likely be extremely helpful. You need a safe place to work through your own emotions and trauma so you can be there for your stepson and differentiate between him and your childhood trauma.
I am sorry you are experiencing this. Trauma is si hard.
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@nana87: Took the words out of my mouth.
@Boy_mommy: I honestly think you need to get past yourself in this because it really isn't about you...its about a little boy who needs the grown ups in his life to be focused on him.
The last part of your post spoke volumes to me-- you are more worried about your personal comfort and how you are perceived than you are about learning to care for this boy. You really, truly need to take yourself out of the equation. I think therapy would be a good to start to manage your impulses.
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Are you comfortable enough with his mom to share about the loss of your brother and explain why you are feeling what you're feeling?
It's not being a jackass to ask questions about the child's care - you genuinely don't know, and as his stepmom you'd want to be able to help. In his mom's shoes, I'd appreciate your willingness to learn. You can always frame your question with - "I'm sorry, I feel rude/mean/bad having to ask this, but....how does the feeding tube work/how do I do 'x'/what do I do when 'y' happens".." I am sure as his mom she's had to overcome all sorts of difficult emotions about his conditions, and can on some level understand understand how you feel terrible seeing him in discomfort. However, I guess you also have to understand that she may feel resentful that you have these emotions if she thinks you aren't "entitled" to them since he isn't biologically "yours" (although I certainly hope that she is glad he has a stepmom who cares to become involved!)
I agree with others that perhaps seeing a therapist to talk about your childhood experience, along with being open with his mom, will help. Can you find out more about his long term prognosis? Is it likely he will soon pass away from his conditions, or are they manageable? I think it's important for you to understand the reality of his situation and how it (most likely) differs from your little brother's.
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As a mom of a special needs LO, I can tell you that it is full of doing stuff you aren't comfortable with but you just have to persevere through it. It sucks. But you get used to it. You just have to dive in. You'll get over your fears.
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I think in her case it's a little more than just fears and being uncomfortable; it's probably trauma from her little brother that was never probably processed/dealt with.
I agree with above advice to A) seek our a therapist to get healing and freedom from your past trauma B) ask his mom how you can tangibly help, in and out of the hospital C) I think if you do set your mind to seeing him in the hospital, holding him, etc, then you need to spend some time pep talking yourself that no matter what you have to be able to put him first in those 10-15 or however long
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