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@aprild: You are right, that isn't much of a vacation for you at all. Could you suggest to your MIL that you will cook X meals and that she could cook X meals, but ask that your BIL's take care of X meals? Or ask that if you are going to be doing a lot of cooking, have your BIL's purchase all of the food?

As for activities, is there something at the golf course you can do with kids? Is it a country club or something similar where there is a pool? Or can you plan something else that the entire family can be involved in, like going to a theme park?

And RE: your husband. I am not shy about telling him he needs to do X or help me with X or hey honey, watch the kids for awhile so I can do X.

Regarding the food, I'd let that one go...do you really want to be eating food your BILs prepare? I get that you want them to contribute, but I'd honestly just make the best of it. I'd do very simple things that don't require a lot of steps, like a pan of baked ziti with store bought meatballs and sauce. I would use the conversation as a way to get more information, like how will the food be purchased?

I'd also not hesitate to make some reservations and plans of my own. Vacation doesn't mean you have to be a prisoner to other people's plans.

@aprild: Because if you have to cook AND watch the kids then I'd be annoyed! As long as both of you agree on what to expect and you get whatever you feel like is your "compensation". I just feel like it's hard to hold him to helping you there too, 99% of the time I'm sure his brothers would just be like come on! Come do xyz, just for a while! Then they'd be gone for hours

I think you should figure out dinners where maybe you cook two nights, your MIL cooks two nights, and the other 3 nights are takeout or bbq or something, and then lunch can be DIY sandwiches and breakfast can be toast or cereal or whatever. It's still not fair but it's less not fair. And with regards to your in-laws babying your brother-in-laws, that isn't your problem. If you're paying for and preparing two meals, that's your contribution. If your in-laws want to pay for pizza or Chinese takeout or whatever because their baby boys don't have any money that's their problem. Or you could find a restaurant that's child friendly, say "On Tuesday our family is going to X restaurant and you're all welcome to come". I also think you should talk to your husband and set some expectations - sure, it's his family that he doesn't get to see often, but you and the kids are his family that he doesn't get to vacation with often, and you should get to enjoy this time.

My main point is that you need to speak up for yourself, and only worry about your immediate family. You're not required to pick up the slack because your in-laws don't expect anything of their boys.

@aprild: Maybe I've been reading too many advice columns, but to me, it doesn't seem like you have an "inlaw vacation" problem, you have a husband problem.

It's pretty unacceptable that your husband allows all this to happen, goes along with it, and expects you to do these things. We "vacation" (just by visiting them in another city) with our in-laws all the time, and if anything, my husband does MORE work there, because it's his family.

Your husband should take the lead with the cooking issue and call his mom. "Mom. It's vacation. We are going to keep it simple and do cereal for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, and go out/order in for dinner. Brothers 1 and 2 should get their own cereal and sandwich makings. We'll all split the checks for dinner".

"Dad, it's AprilD's vacation, too. So i'll be staying with her to help get the kids in bed while you all go out."

He should ask his parents to babysit one night while the two of you go out alone.

And then he can do 1 activitiy with his family alone--like golf, while you stay home. With the stipulation that you have a day to do whatever alone--shopping, lay on the beach with no kids, whatever.

This would really annoy me, this is no "vacation" for you. One thing that pops out, is we have a rule: whoever cooks, the other person does clean-up. So if you are cooking, the bros should be doing the clean-up. That's crap otherwise and we aren't living in the 1950s here people. I know many older generation are fine with that traditional dynamic ( I see it all the time with my own extended family when I go home). But that doesn't fly with me.

As for the kid-less activities, honestly they sound a bit selfish to me (the in-laws). Your DH needs to set the record straight with them, and you should discuss that with him. I don't have any easy solutions, knowing my in-laws, they would probably jump at the chance to baby-sit, while we all go out at night. Good luck!

@aprild: The long and short of my answer is if mama's not on vacation, no one is on vacation.

I'm putting this problem 90% on your husband's shoulders. Your in-laws can baby their sons however they want and make plans however they want for their vacation, but your husband and you are a team and the needs of his family come first. If your MIL is making all these plans for HER children to hang out together, your DH has to intervene and be like yeah no, that's not going to work for us. I don't really care if your DH doesn't see his brothers often - my DH sees his brother maybe once a year and they chat on the phone semi-regularly and have a great relationship. He does not ditch me with the kids when we see his family to go drinking with him or his other family members. I make it very very clear to my husband that when we visit his family, it is WORK for me - it is not a vacation. It is me taking one for the team so that we can have family bonding time with his side, which is important to both of us, but not relaxing.

I'm pretty sure if your husband just starts opting out of your MIL's planned events because they don't work for his family, she's going to start getting the hint pretty fast. If DH acts resentful about it, you can tell him that you don't get a vacation from being a dad, period.

Your BILs sound like they're being really rude and immature - I have a younger brother who is babied plenty and he's always jumping in to help with our kids and the example he set with that made it a non-issue when his now-wife came around - they just both see it as natural that they play aunt and uncle and entertain the kids because THEY don't get to see our boys very often. To them, its a privilege and we are grateful for their help.

Functionally, I would do the following:

1. Own that this is not a vacation. Tell your husband that this is in NO WAY a vacation for you and that you are basically looking at this as an out of town work trip. And if this isn't a vacation for you, its not a vacation for him either.
This is a family obligation. So if he doesn't want a super resentful wife on his hands, he better be prepared to work at least "part-time" on this adventure.

2. Nail down exactly what events he will attend "without the kids." This will force him to prioritize and own which things he is leaving you solo for. If he wants to go golfing in the morning without the kids, that means he gets up with them in the morning and feeds them breakfast before he leaves, and you're off the clock once he gets back for the rest of the afternoon to go relax. And that is the day your MIL can cook and you just come home to eat. If he wants to go out that night with his brothers to drink, he can wrangle the kids during dinner, give them baths, and put them to bed and meet up with his brothers AFTER the kids are down.

3. Divide and conquer. Build in some plans where you can each take one kid and that way reduce the workload somewhat. My husband and I do this when we visit his family and we can mix and match relatives with certain activities and certain kids.

4. Plan for one day to be nuclear family day. That is a day where you and your husband plan things for just your family to do that is fun for your kids. If the rest of the family wants to tag along fine, if not, whatever.

5. For meals, I would plan on picking up pizza one night (send your husband) and then do a spaghetti night. You can make the spaghetti sauce ahead of time at home and freeze it and take it with you in a cooler and just boil spaghetti once you get there and serve with salad and bread. Your MIL can cook 2 more nights and I assume you will eat out another 2 nights. I would research kid friendly restaurants ahead of time and have those ready to suggest. I would impose one of those kid-friendly restaurant nights on the nuclear family day so that you don't have to worry about feeding the kids and can pick an earlier dinnertime that works for small children - if your ILs wanna join that day fine, if not, whatever.

6. Let your husband know that after this trip is over you are having some treat yo' self time and will be requiring him to watch the kids more or need to spend money on a babysitter for a spa day, date night, girls night, whatever. After DH's parents visited this last time, I just declared a random day off and it was glorious. My husband knows how much work it is when we have family trips and family visits, so he is fully supportive.

7. Stop doing these trips in the future if they aren't going to accommodate your kids.

@Anagram: @gingerbebe: @SweetiePie: Absolutely agree that the issues seem to be with the husband more-so than the in-laws.

When we visit my in-laws, I feel like my husband actually makes MORE of an effort to ensure that I'M having fun. If I'm miserable, he knows we won't visit with his family as often, so he absolutely steps up more.

Yes, I am not saying your husband is a jerk, I'm just saying it is HIS responsibility to make this easier for you because its his family. I'm being really blunt in my post because its possible you're just trying to be super nice and be more vague/passive about it with him, hoping he gets the hint that this isn't really fun for you. When we first got married, on our first trip home to his parent's for Christmas, he kept leaving me to zone out in his dad's office playing video games or something and while I had to chat with his folks in the living room for hours. I could not break away even though I was EXHAUSTED from cooking dinner or whatever and my ILs felt like they had to keep chatting with me even though I'm sure they were tired too because they didn't want to seem rude. Needless to say, I got PISSED at him about it. In his defense, it just never occurred to him that he couldn't leave me like that because every trip home as a bachelor was about him just vegging at his mom's house. Once he realized this wasn't a vegging out situation anymore, we never had a problem. Sure there are times we have to do things separately, but he always checks in and then comes right back.

Also, because the gender structures are so unbalanced (in my opinion) in that family, we talk each year before we get there about DH doing even more of the "domestic" duties than usual (without me asking in the moment). In our home, I do most of them because by the time it's time to cook dinner, I'd rather do that than another hour with the kids, and he's been gone all day. It's my choice, because I only work part time. But on vacation, the expectation is that DH does laundry, cooking, cleaning, kid care in equal proportions to me.

@Jess1483: Great point, we do this too. We clearly outline what tasks DH will be in charge of while we are on our trip so I don't have to think about it. DH is in charge of any diaper changes he's present for, he does the laundry every single day and folds it, he does the dishes after I cook, he does bath for both boys, and he usually puts DS1 down for naps and bedtime while I handle DS2 for sleep. If we're in a hotel situation, DH does foraging for breakfast and drags back a ton of food in the morning from the buffet to feed our kids in our room.

I handle packing and unpacking for the trip, keeping the diaper bag fully stocked and ready to go at all times, I handle carseat installation, packing food and snacks for the kids on the go, menu planning, shopping for groceries once we get there, nursing/pumping, bottle washing, making sure we have all the baby-related supplies (diapers, wipes, toiletries, bath tub, etc) on hand.

Its so ingrained in our travel habits now that we don't even talk about it anymore!

As others have pointed out, this is mostly a husband problem, not an in-law problem. We vacation a couple times a year with my family, and we actually have a beach trip upcoming with them next week.

My mom has said she's not cooking meals because she's on vacation. Okay, I'm fine with that. We're going to the Cape and traditionally DH and I buy lobsters for whoever wants them and we cook them. The other nights we go out with just our family unit, or we all go and split the bill.

But generally, our family unit makes our own plans. Anyone is welcome to join us if they want. So last year we were on our way to the beach so we invited my brother and sister in law. They came with us, and then we decided we'd get some lunch, ice cream, and mini golf. They chose to keep hanging out with us. At the end my SIL was like, "you guys are a lot of fun" lol. Other times we've gone to the beach and my dad has come with us.

There are a few activities that we all like to do together (sort of), like lunch and walking around one of the nearby towns. So my parents will say, "Hey, we're thinking of doing Provincetown on (blank day)." We drive separately, we all eat lunch together, and we tend to split up to walk around the shops. Sometimes my mom and I will shop together, but usually it's me and DH and DS.

Generally on these family trips DH likes to give me the opportunity do something with my mom, like shop or get a pedicure. He watches the kids while I go out for a couple hours with her. So to me, if your DH wants to do 9 holes of golf with his family while you either do a different activities with the kids or hang at the house, that seems reasonable. And if he wants to go out once or twice after the kids are in bed, that seems reasonable too. Assuming he'll still get up in the morning and not expect to get to sleep in late.

I think the important thing is your DH has to realize that he still has responsibilities. It's a vacation for both of you, not a license for him to pawn the kids off on you so he can go have fun.

Since BILs don't care about cleanliness, could you just say:

We'll cook dinner Tuesday and Wednesday
We'll clean up from dinner Thursday and Friday

Otherwise, we are glad to handle dinner as our own family unit.

This does two things:
1) Separates the cooking and cleaning duties
2) Takes it off your shoulders. If MIL ends up doing it all because she's babying her boys, so be it. You choose an amount that you think is "equitable" divided 3 ways (you guys, ILs, BILs as a unit.) Beyond that, it's MIL and FIL's choice not to make their precious ones do any work, then they can do it themselves.

I didn't read all the posts so may have been suggested. But I would be out on this visit. It seems like your in-laws want to relive old vacations from when it was only their kids.
I'd stay home and see if you can get some of your family to visit to help manage kids.

I love my in-laws and they love to help out with our little but when I was pregnant I went on a family get together and all we did was go to bar/restaurants to eat and drink and hang out. I was immensely bored and if we have another I'll bow out of vacations while pregnant

I've traveled with my family but not my inlaws so I don't have a ton of experience, but this sounds pretty frustrating. I'd set expectations with your husband so you both know what to expect and can find something you're happy with. You both have kids, it's not fair for your "vacation" to be you alone with your kids. Let him pick 1-2 activities to do without you/the kids if that's what you agree on, then maybe you could do your own thing (sans kids) 1-2 times as well. Similar with meals - tell mil what day you'll cook or clean, also suggest doing something alone with your husband and kids one or two nights. It's hard because obviously your husband has no sisters so there's no one for you to go out with alone expect your husband or mil but you could do things yourself or with them or just plan things that are fun for your kids and make sure your husband supports you. Otherwise maybe don't do this kind of vacation again

This would be a super hard pass from me. Why would you give up vacation time and your own money to go be someone else's indentured servant for a week? I bet they all think you don't mind (and that if you did, you'd say something) so they might as well continue to walk all over you. Skip it and plan a real vacation.

[eta] When we vacation with in-laws, they practically take over all the care for DD, MIL cooks and cleans (and if I happen to feel like cooking a meal, DH helps me with it) and they usually offer to babysit at least once so DH and I can go off on our own. That's a vacation!

As @gingerbebe: said, your BILs sound really rude and immature. My sibs are also younger, single, childless, and my parents give them a great deal of support. They would LOVE for me (and DH) to go out with them every night, eat at fun adult restaurants, and do grown up activities that are fun for them... But they know we can't. They invite us and never push if it doesn't work for our schedule. My sibs don't really contribute to cooking or cleaning either, but they will play with my kids so DH and I can do that together (which is actually our preference so we can take a break from kiddos and have time to talk and cook!). It works out well for us.

I also recently refused to make complicated dinners on vacation and it has made everything SO MUCH BETTER. Breakfast and lunch are easy grab your own style (I once packed sandwiches for a picnic by putting a loaf of bread and a tub of lunch meat in the color hahaha). I make one or two big breakfasts on days when we don't have something else planned. Dinners are super super easy- hamburgers (frozen, already as a patty), spaghetti with jar sauce, steak, grocery store rotisserie chicken. Paper plates and paper napkins for every meal. I figure anyone who had a very strong objection to this could do the work of making it fancy.