DH has medical problems and is not employed. Our family's financial situation is not good. We are considering a legal dissolution of marriage to allow him to qualify for more government benefits, as well as protect myself from future debts he may incur. I'm so sad at the very thought of doing this, but it might be necessary. Is a legal marriage really that important?
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I think you have to do what makes sense for your family. You define your family, not a piece of paper.
I would consult with a lawyer to find out what a legal separation would mean for finances, custody, any shared assets, etc. Good luck.
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@sunny: yes we're definitely consulting a lawyer. We would still live together and raise our child together. I wouldn't want to tell anyone, it feels so wrong to me.
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I know someone who's done that. It's sad, but sometimes you just have to do what you have to do. In the end, it's only paperwork and no one has to know.
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It's sad, but you have to do what you have to do. The only thing that would worry me, from a legal standpoint, is that you had necessary paperwork in order if you wanted to be able to make medical decisions for each other. And maybe one day a legal marriage would be possible again?
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You have to do what's going to be best for you. If his condition is a long term thing, and being unemployed is going to be his future, then maybe that is the best course of action. Definitely consult and research all aspects to make sure you can continue your living situation without it affecting things. If you're commonlaw as you would still be living together, would he still get the same benefit? ( not sure if commonlaw is a thing where you live?)
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Do what's best for you. I seems that you're doing the right thing to speak to a lawyer. To answer your question, no, I don't think a legal marriage is important. I allows for some legal advantages in some countries, but it's def not necessary for love.
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I'm sorry you are in this situation. I agree with the others that you should do whatever is in your family's best interest and consult with professionals to be sure that it will work. I personally don't think a legal marriage is the be all end all, but it definitely does confer certain legal and financial advantages. Good luck!
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I am sorry you are going through this
OH and I aren't married and feel no less a family. You may want to look into legal separation if where you live has such a thing. In some places it gives the results of divorce but is reversible.
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know others that have done this. You have to do what's right for your family. You'll still be married at heart where is matters most.
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I'm sorry you are in a situation where you have to face an ethical decision. I have heard of people remaining married, so their ex-love can continue getting their medical benefits. I know a widow who had a live-in partner for years, but decided not to marry him because that would terminate her late husband's benefits. Unfortunately, this is not an uncommon situation since a lot of government programs are needs based and thresholds are so low.
TBH, I would probably grieve the loss of a legal marriage and all the protections and privileges that comes with it. Before the marriage there was a relationship and that is what you will continue to have.
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I'm so sorry you're in this spot. I think I would be concerned about the medical decisions side of things but I'm assuming your lawyer can help with that.
I wonder if perhaps it would be helpful to you to do some sort of vow renewal once you go through the process. It might help put a positive spin on it and give you special memories. It could be as simple as repeating the vows from your wedding ceremony and having a nice dinner together.
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Would you not become common law, if you continued to live together and have some of the same issues? Or is that not a thing in the US?
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I think household income might be used for determining if he qualifies for benefits. You may have to establish a separate address for him. Just a thought.
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And yes, I would absolutely consider this if it made sense for my family.
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It depends, my situation is different because my husband and I are not citizens of the same country.
This is one of the things that seriously upsets me about the US, we simply do not have a good enough safety net for people that fall on difficult times.
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@Banana330: not every state recognizes common law in the US, and for some the amount of time varies.
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I think you posted more looking for responses to the emotional/social aspects of the question but it's hard to turn my lawyer hat off sometimes. I know you said that you were consulting a lawyer, which is a great idea. I don't practice in family law or estate planning but my biggest concern is the rights you would be giving up by doing this. For example, spouses are afforded certain rights when another spouse is ill. You could be denied the right to visit your ex-spouse in the hospital or make medical decisions on his behalf (though I'm sure proper paperwork could help with the medical decision aspect). You would also need to make sure that you have consulted an estate planning attorney. I'm not sure where you are located but if you are in the U.S., in most states, if you are married and die without a will, your spouse would have rights to your property. However, if you die without a will and are unmarried, that list of people who would be automatically entitled to your property changes to people such as children, parents, siblings, etc. (varies from state to state). Also, you would want to consider how you own any real property (if you own your house). There are different ways to take ownership to real property and if one of you died, it's possible the surviving ex-spouse wouldn't be entitled to property. I think there would be a lot of legal aspects to consider if you were to move forward with this plan.
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I am sorry - and I hope you are able to find a solution that works for your family. A lot of older people are doing this - google will bring up tons of stories and the main reasons why. It's sad all around. I would absolutely consider divorce in certain financial situations. The legal marriage doesn't make your relationship; you and your husband/partner do.
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Just want to add that if you do this make SURE you have each other appointed dueable power of attorney for healthcare and finances. That way you can legally make decisions for each other than would legally fall to a spouse and then next of kin. That way you won't be fighting in laws over decisions.
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If it were what was best for my family I would consider it.
Good luck.
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This makes me sad.
BUT from a lawyer perspective (I have to put on my lawyer hat like another poster said), just be aware that being divorced but still living together may impact your husband's eligibility for some public benefits like SSI. Regardless of whether your state recognizes common law marriage or not.
For SSI, if you are living with someone, Social Security considers that you are "holding out" as married and treats you as such. Medicaid and food stamps use your household, married or not. The Affordable Care Act (Obamacare/insurance exchange) uses your tax filing household. Just be aware and make sure if you meet with an attorney they are aware.
Good luck
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@MrsADS: yes. I think a lot of government assistance programs are based on household members.
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I have no advice, just want to send some love your way
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@Anonhelp: Another lawyer hat here. Many government programs are based on household numbers, married or not. So you'd either have to physically live part (which would have cost ramifications) or risk getting caught living together (which not only removes those benefits but sometimes involves paying them back). And other programs will be based on your previous year's tax filings - meaning it wouldn't help until the following year. So my concern would be whether the benefits you attain from these programs outweigh the costs. To live separately, to hire an attorney to draft all your legal documents so that you two are adequately protected with wills, powers of attorney, etc. While you could do those things on your own, it would seem a little risky considering you are trying to divorce for financial and legal reasons.
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I'm really sorry. I actually had a friend in high school whose parents did this very thing. They still lived together though so not sure about that aspect of it. As far as I know they were successful.
OH and I aren't married and feel no less a family. You may want to look into legal separation if where you live has such a thing. In some places it gives the results of divorce but is reversible.
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