DH and I are blessed to have the most.supportive.families.ever (parents and siblings). We love them all dearly, and they have known about all 3 losses as well as our IF journey. We told them all very early when we got our BFP because we believed (and did) we would need their support in addition to knowing they would be ecstatic.
Their "support" also got extremely stressful going through the miscarriages. The day of each appointment, we'd hear from all of them, telling us how they were thinking of us. If we didn't call ALL of them within 30 min of getting out of the appointment, we'd get bombarded with texts, emails, phone calls. They all had questions and wanted to share their opinions. Maybe I'm sounding ungrateful and I'm sure that knowing we were losing the babies from early on didn't help, but it made the process so much worse.
Now that we got our 4th BFP in a matter of months, I imagine it's only going to start again...but worse because everyone wants this so badly for us. Every phone call is: "call me as soon as you're done...what did they say, then what? then what?" I'm so so thankful to have them cheering us on and I want to share this experience with them so much. I know they share our joy and worry and sorrow, but it's just so hard to process things yourself and also have to handle everyone else's reaction to the news (and of course whose mom you called first because THAT became an issue between the two moms).
DH and I thought about keeping this quiet at least til we see a heartbeat but I think they will also be sad that we'll be sitting with our news for a solid 3 weeks (please let me stay pregnant at least that long!) We can't exactly say - hey we're pregnant, say lots of prayers but don't talk to us! I think they'd be offended if I didn't tell them when appointments were.
Thank you in advance for any thoughts/suggestions!
You might also enjoy...
-
I can sorta relate. I let all my best friends and close family in on our infertility issues and told them when we were going through IVF. They knew the day I started my meds, had my egg retrieval, had my transfer, the day I found out I was pregnant (3 weeks 5 days) they knew the day we found out we were having twins, and when we found out we lost one twin.
I don't ever want to take their support and prayers for granted but it did end up adding a lot more stress having a constant flood of texts/calls/emails to know the results of every blood draw, every ultrasound ect. Also, letting the family in so early on the news has made it torture for them to keep our pregnancy a secret so long since we haven't been comfortable making an official announcement yet even though I am 16 weeks now.
Next child I think we will do things a lot differently. Probably keep it between just us until I am further along. I don't think they will take it too personally if you wait a few weeks to tell them, it will be over shadowed by the joy they feel for you guys.
Wishing you all the best for this pregnancy!
-
First of all, congrats!!! I think in this case you need to do what is best for you and hold off on telling them. They will likely be so ecstatic about the pregnancy that they won't harp on the fact that you didn't tell them right away. If they are truly supportive, they will understand. I really hope this is it for you!
-
Congrats!!! I think you need to be a little selfish and do what works for you. This might mean sitting on the news for 3 weeks, or it might not. It sounds like there are definite pros and cons of both. I think it's okay to tell your family and say that you all are, understandably, very timid about this. You could tell them that you so appreciate any supportive texts, but would prefer them to not have any questions or requests for more details. Another option would be picking a close family member that is the person that disseminates information. My sister did that with my mom during her IUIs - she said that if she wanted to talk about it, she would bring it up, but that she would appreciate us contacting my mom with any questions as she just couldn't emotionally handle it. My mom actually felt really special that my sister made her "her person" and I think people were less prone to contact my mom so my mom actually wasn't too harassed.
With all that said, I think it goes a long way telling someone exactly what you're saying. If you were in my family, I would be fully receptive to a text/email/call saying exactly what you said in this post. I read it and thought to myself how incredibly kind and thoughtful you sounded. I think I'd be very receptive to being told that you need my support if something does happen (fingers crossed it doesn't), but that you can't handle being bombarded with questions.
I don't know if that helps at all. I'm really really hoping this is it for you!!
-
I think I would wait. Maybe you two could come up with something one evening each week ... a date night. It'll give you something to plan and look forward to, and possibly help those 3 weeks pass quickly. They will all be so happy to hear the news once you're ready to share it!
Best wishes to you!!
-
When I got my first BFP, I wanted to wait but DH just. could. not. stop himself from telling people. We told his family at 6 weeks (and then miscarried the next week)
Next time, I think I would still tell my mom and SIL right away (I told them after the first doctor's appointment when the blood test came back positive). Because they were an amazing support and I don't think I could do it without them. But I think DH will be more understanding of how hard it is to "untell" people if things go wrong (since he got to do that to most people) and might be less eager to share with his family. They're harder to deal with, so I think we might wait a little longer.
-
I am in a similar place. It's going to be hard, but we've decided to wait until 12 weeks and 2 ultrasounds on Christmas day *knock on wood*. I was thinking about getting them framed pictures from the second ultrasound and having my parents open it up around the Christmas tree. Hopefully.
I think you should do whatever feels right for you and your husband. It's a hard call to make but they have to understand your decisions given everything you have been through. I did tell my sister but told her I didn't want to talk about it and she completely understood. -
I think most of all, you need to do what is best for YOU. Sure they probably want to know right away. But keep in mind who the most important people in this scenario are.
I can imagine DH's family may be a little put off if we wait to tell them next time (and my sister may be down right pissed, but she gets like that) but really, I think they'll be so happy that a baby is coming that any hurt would quickly be overshadowed.
-
If all the attention is a little much, by all means, keep it to Yourselves!
I am in the opposite boat-family wasn't supportive when I had a mc so when I was pregnant with E, I told them at 11 weeks. Mom was a little upset I "kept it from her". This time, I told her at 12.5 weeks and was expecting backlash and got none
When you struggle with RPL, I just feel weird blabbing the news and then having to take it back over and over. So I also prefer to keep my cards close to my chest
3 weeks isn't that long to wait!!
-
@Mrs.Pinecone316: Thank you so much for understanding. I was so hesitant to post because I thought I sounded like the an ungrateful person. Sharing your experience made me feel like it was okay to feel that way!
@Radish: I think I'm going to take your advice and do what is best for us! Too often, I am the one that gets burned because I am trying to do what is best for everyone else.
@LBee: Thank you for your very thoughtful and kind reply! You definitely gave me some things to consider moving forward.
@Vegmama: Now that some time has passed, and we've seen and talked to family members without telling them, I feel really good about continuing to wait. Thanks for your feedback!
@MaryM: I think you're right, that they'll be so happy, it'll be overshadowed. And frankly, if they question why I didn't tell them, I don't think they'd dare say it to my face. None of my family members have every had a pregnancy loss or even a struggle to get pregnant, so I think they look at me and don't know what to say a lot of the time. @blackbird: Thanks for the reinforcement and reassurance that it's okay to keep it to ourselves!
@simplyfelicity: We're in this together, friend! -
Congrats!!! I'd do what's best for you and your DH. I think your family will understand.
-
I had a miscarriage about six months before I got pregnant with my son. My parents and MIL still don't know about the mc. (My son is now eight months old.) I am glad that I never told them because it would have been one more thing to deal with. I don't feel guilty about doing that, and neither should you.
-
@Tidybee: I'm glad you are looking out for you. It is going to be fabulous when you do get to share the big news!
-
First off congrats!!!!!
Before this baby we had two IUIs back to back that lead to positive betas but then fell into chemical pregnancies, both times we shouted it from the roof tops with family! They were supportive but it was hard!
With this pregnancy she was a surprise in the midst of genetic testings and a crusie...when we found out we didn't twll anyone our first beta came back ok, second doubled and by the third we were in the 7, 000 it just at that moment felt right we have never made it that far and we told our moms!!! We waited until our last RE ultrsound at 8 weeks to tell siblings and such!Ohhh I forgot I told my best friend the day I got the BFP she is like a God send and a rock in my world!
I say you will know when you feel.comfortable!!!! Best wishes to you! !!!
Before this baby we had two IUIs back to back that lead to positive betas but then fell into chemical pregnancies, both times we shouted it from the roof tops with family! They were supportive but it was hard!
- Google Plus
- Stumbleupon
- Twitter
- Facebook
- Pinterest
- Favorite0
13 comments