Thoughts?
Just saw this. Big trigger for me as I've been having doubts about IVF the closer we get to trying. I applaud her for speaking up for the couples who decide not to have children, I wish I could just throw myself into my work! But I know in my heart that if I'm never a mom there's going to be a huge void in my life.
pomegranate / 3533 posts
@Warbler: I haven't read it...don't know if I should right now, as it's a very likely "trigger" for me as well... Just wanted to say that I realized this last week or so, that I am nowhere close to being able to adopt an electively child-free mindset. I WILL be a parent. And the thought of not being a parent throws my whole world, my whole concept of self, into a tailspin. Important to know, I suppose. I hope you're well! 
ETA: ok, now that I have read it-- I think she's framing it very simplistically. It sounds like she didn't want kids...then thought, "well, why not try"... And then when that didn't work, she was back at square one. And that's fine...if you can easily rationalize not having kids. I also think she's overly negative about the odds of success with IVF, personally. 
honeydew / 7916 posts
I appreciate her coming out and saying this. Don't know if she had to word it as choosing work over kids, but having DOR myself, I've seen many women going though several years of IF and funding multiple cycles of IVF by taking out second mortgages, selling their cars, and going deeper and deeper into debt. It's so hard to know when to stop. This time last year we were grappling with the decision to stop and it was a very difficult place.
GOLD / watermelon / 14076 posts
Good for her! She brings up an honest and interesting perspective that often isn't discussed.
nectarine / 2600 posts
I watched the video. I think it's great anytime someone can bring IF into the spotlight. I think everyone's different, but for me I couldn't just be like, "I'm done." You know? I want to be a mom so bad, and I'll pretty much do whatever, including adoption.
Not judging her at all, but to me it seemed like maybe they were trying to get pregnant because it was the thing to do and they felt like they were running out of time, rather than an intense desire to be parents. Does that make sense?
pomegranate / 3533 posts
@TheSwissWifeStyle: That's exactly what I was trying to say. It's just an entirely different mindset.
cherry / 115 posts
@FliegepilzHut: Hope you're well too! You hit the nail right on the head. Even while I grapple with the costs vs getting my hopes up I know that the alternative is not an option for me. I feel like saying that out loud makes it a bit more bearable.
@spaniellove: My husband and I have been going back on forth on how to pay for IVF for months now. We've discussed taking out a loan against the house, dipping into 40lks etc. Besides the financial aspect, I'm also struggling with the emotional effect of IVF not working for us. I think her phrasing was just meant to tell couples it's OK to stop trying and that she personally decided to throw herself into her work.
pomelo / 5129 posts
@TheSwissWifeStyle: I agree.
I think it's great when people talk openly about IF.
And I think everyone is entitled to their own feelings on having kids (or not).
But I don't think that it's the people who are *able* to decide they're done and give up that are the ones taking out mortgages or loans for adoption or IVF.
cherry / 115 posts
@TheSwissWifeStyle: Yes, I remember reading another interview last year and she said she never wanted kids, but her and her husband decided to try and found out about their IF. I had a similar mindset my whole life, so I can sympathize with her. It's kind of like the saying "you don't miss a good thing until it's gone". I never wanted kids and kind of took my fertility for granted.
pomegranate / 3533 posts
@Warbler: Absolutely! (Not to thread-jack, but there was a thread on IVF grants a while back... Also, you might be a candidate for one of the guaranteed/refundable programs. Just a couple of thoughts.)
hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts
Yeah, for me it's hard because I'm determined to be a mom. I will! But I can definitely understand when I have my doubt.
I definitely respect woman (& couples) who choose to be child-free and if they went through IF to get there... my heart goes out to them. It was definitely a hard decision to make.
It does open up the doors for people who are currently struggling with IF and can't afford expensive treatments and the choices they are forced to make. There's accumulating debt or asking for financial help. Early in my IF journey, I wondered, too, how I could afford it. I am fortunate that our financial situation has changed so far.
It just sucks that IF is not yet something covered under medical insurance, well, unless your state mandates it.
honeydew / 7916 posts
@Warbler: I know people always say not to do it, but we ended up using 401k money to pay for an IVF cycle. In the end it was such a small portion of what IF cost us, and a tiny tiny fraction of our medical expenses over the last 3 years. But everyone knows their own financial situation best.
cherry / 115 posts
@FliegepilzHut: I remember that thread and immediately starting researching grants! But, I found out there is a income restriction for most (applicants can't make more than a certain amount) and we are right at the cutoff. 
@bluestriped bee: My hopes is that in the next few years, more people will open about about their IF so awareness can spread to the insurance companies! I'm so happy that your situation changed and you get to start IVF. 
@spaniellove: I'm reluctant because we took out money from our 401k already for our house. In the grand scheme, it is a small portion though.
honeydew / 7916 posts
@bluestriped bee: I can tell you that state mandates are a total joke. We live in a state that has family-friendly mandates and we are at tens of thousands of dollars worth of coverage that we have had to pay OOP anyways. Just a little while ago I was on the phone being told that we had coverage for something a few months ago and that was taken away when the plan renewed.
hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts
@spaniellove: Well, at least, you got some coverage. Only bloodwork and some ultrasounds are covered for me, which is pennies compared to the real cost of IUIs. I wish I had help with some of my IUI fees. Our last trio of IUIs were $1100 each.
I think state mandates are a step closer than states that don't have them.
pomegranate / 3533 posts
@bluestriped bee: Not to wade in...but I live in a state with a mandate...but the law exempts HMO's, so I'm not really sure what it's good for. I need to write my congressman...
persimmon / 1316 posts
I always like when celebrities come out and talk about infertility but I don't think her situation is that common in infertile couples. While she brings up a very good point where sometimes the right answer is to stop, learn to live child free and not do IVF, I think it is easier said then done when she really didn't want kids in the first place. A lot of us have always wanted to be Mothers and need to know we tried everything we could to have children before "throwing in the towel".
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