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I think you have a realistic idea of what to expect as a SAHM. My first LO was high needs. I could not do anything other than take care of him. I could barely pee or eat let alone do anything around the house. My 2nd LO has been much more laid back, but I can't even fathom trying to clean the house because she only naps for 30min at a time, and I certainly don't want to spend every spare minute cleaning or doing other chores. I find it very hard to get much anything done, even with an easy baby. Taking care of a baby is WORK, it's not all pick nicks and music classes and staring into your baby's eyes.

@MsLipGloss: you are right...I think that studies show overwhelmingly that in two earner hetero households the women are still doing a lot more of the childcare and the cooking, etc., in comparison to their husbands.

That being said, if you work outside the home...and your spouse does not...and you are still doing a majority of the chores, I think maybe something is wrong with that situation!

My husband and I got married the summer before he started law school. I worked awful entry level jobs while he studied. We would see his cohorts pairing off and I would ask him if he would ever imagine dating a girl in law school and he was like....LOL, no. The work/life balance would be too hard to pull off. DH's decision to go to law school was the result of our decision to start a family, so me taking the back-seat career wise was always the expectation, and although I eventually want to work full-time, I am sure his career will always come first. The things we do to have kids....

@Freckles: well it is a pretty radical decision to leave the workforce entirely. To cut off ties with ones coworkers, etc., to hazard being unemployable once you've decided that you are ready/need to re-enter the workforce. Honestly if I knew I had a job to come back to I would feel a lot more comfortable telling DH to learn to shift for himself because eventually he would have to. But as it is, being an SAHM doesn't have an expiration date for me so my "job" is to make the most of that choice, and for me that means taking pressure off DH.

@pui: I can tell you right now that he is DREAMING if he thinks life will be a cakewalk with baby and chores. What is WRONG with men and thinking nothing will change? That you can do it all and keep everyone happy. it seriously ticks me off that men think that way. I am so sick of their BS! It cannot be done... Most men are clueless when it comes to taking care of a house and a baby, never mind two of them!!!!
rant over

@Mrs. Sketchbook: Wholeheartedly agree. Mat leave and SAHM are totally different beasts in my book.

My mat friend mums were spending way more money than me and cramming in as much "fun" as possible before going back to work. As, on average, they had more disposable income and they didn't have to make all their choices sustainable for the long term.

From a mentally perspective they are completely different too.

I am not saying being a SAHM was harder/better/whatever but it is totally undeniable that having a job and income to go back to at a set time has a profound affect on ones decisions/identity vs knowing you are staying home for the foreseeable future and you'll be totally reliant on your DH for money. Big difference.

I haven't read through the responses yet so some of this might have already been stated. The baby will be the boss in determining how flexible or challenging the SAHM duties will be. Your time will not be your own that's for sure. Every baby is different so our SAHM experiences will be different also. Generally speaking though, everything you do or plan will revolve around their eating, napping, and pooping schedule. The baby's needs are constantly changing too as they grow. They have their own demands and personalities.

My DH had 2 weeks off during Christmas to really spend time with us 24/7 and he would choose working over being a stay at home parent in a heartbeat. He was able to witness how high maintenance and demanding a baby's schedule can be. That was when she wasn't even mobile yet.

Now at 10 months, diaper changes are so much harder, feeding her solids can take up to an hour, it comes with a mess and tantrums too. She really wants you to sit down with her, sing to her, play toy foods, or read to her constantly. DH resorts to TV, iPhone, or iPad all the time and I have to really put my foot down and say "Stop that electronic babysitting! Use it as a last resort only!" I sound like a nagging old lady but I have to tell DH all the time to turn off the TV when he is watching DD on the weekends.

All that was to say, tell your DH he can throw all those expectations and dreams out the window. The baby will be the boss not him. Also, have a serious, calm conversation about finances. Before when I was working, we both had a set amount for personal spending money after all the bills and savings were taken into account. The bills were paid from the joint account. It's still the case now except our personal spending money is a lot less than before. Just remember, even though he will be the money-maker, he is not the commander of the house. The financial and household decisions should still be discussed and shared equally. Hope you find a stellar routine that works for your family,

Anyway, Super excited for you!!!!

I think at the end of the day, like you said @pui, you guys need to just trust each other. You gotta respect each other's way of doing your jobs.

As I mentioned above, my MIL was a SAHM for most of her life and my FIL was the breadwinner. My FIL made up a household budget that most people would think was unreasonable to live on (meaning it was strict with no give in it whatsoever) and my MIL made choices as a SAHM that didn't make sense to a lot of people, including her kids and FIL.

But the one thing I really respect about my in-laws is that they decided early on, for the good of their relationship and family life, they weren't going to question the other's decision-making with respect of their day jobs. My FIL never said a word if dinner was a frozen meal or burned to a crisp. He never said a word if the house was a mess. And my MIL just did the best she could on the budget FIL gave her to live on.

I'm sure they each had OPINIONS of how the other could do things differently or whatever, and I'm sure they talked to each other about changes or adjustments here and there, but they mutually decided to never speak about it to others (i.e. never complain) or speak to each other in a snarky way. Because, simply put, my MIL did not want to be the breadwinner, and FIL did not want to raise the kids. So they didn't feel they had a right to criticize the other.

DH said that if the house was too messy for his dad's liking, he'd just start picking up or start doing the laundry. And if he didn't like the dinner MIL made, he either suggested going out to eat or going out for ice cream as a treat. Otherwise, he let things lie. In short, FIL lived by the idea that if he didn't like something that was going on at home, that was HIS problem, not MIL's. Either he could fix it, or live with it.

@Freckles: I still want to respond to your last comment re: wage earning but just wanted to say...I literally cannot imagine WOH while I had a 4 month old! No sleep! Augh! I don't know how WOHMs do it before STTN.

That said, being an SAHM got harder for me once LO turned 1 because the mess and the disciplining really wore me out. At 18 months it is a lot better, but LO is getting older and I think he would benefit from the structure of a daycare setting!

It is funny how different people can feel so differently about a similar experience!

Generally I feel like the day to day of SAHM is easier than WOHM, but the emotional consequences of choosing to SAHM can be so extreme that I think it balances out in the long run. Which is why I think giving US women a 1 year maternity leave would be a dream come true!

I think whether your DH or you are closer to reality doesn't really matter. Being a SAHM does not mean that you are also his personal maid. Being able to put your own dishes in the dishwasher and your clothes in the hamper is something that a mature adult can do.

@Mrs. Sketchbook: I think i worry about the loneliness of being a SAHM (for myself). LOL, i think the 4 month age may have been the wrong example!! But you get what i mean...i sometimes joke to DH that i wish mat leave started at the 1 year mark.

@rahlyrah: I did go back to my comment before responding to you earlier and did see how my comment could be seen as a generalization and i really did not mean it as such. Of course everyone has different circumstances - how can i compare? I definitely think a SAHM whose husband is never home has it much harder than me. As i also said before, we all have different challenges/difficulties (whether you stay at home or work) but i have experienced more breakdowns trying to juggle everything since going back to work. I had breakdowns when staying at home because i was sleep deprived and LO was attached to me all day long, but nothing compared to how i feel when i'm overloaded at work but still feel the weight of responsibilities from home.

@deerylou: This!

In the early days, returning to work would have been far easier than being at home, becoming a parent can be an incredibly steep learning curve - both the practical and emotional stuff! Now that my LO is older, being a SAHM is awesome and most days I wouldn't consider it difficult or tough although we have our share of bad days.

OP - putting dishes in the dishwasher and laundry in the hamper is just basic stuff that all adults do regardless of status as a parent or otherwise! And if your husband won't do it then stop washing his dishes and clothes!

For me, staying at home has been 1,000,000 times easier than WOH. Because I love it. At my last full time job, I dreaded going in to work each morning. Now I wake up excited to go see that little smiley face. For me, errands are fun. We have a blast at the grocery store. We get to go to the park or play babies. I get to meet up with other mama friends and chat. Of course, there are some very hard days, and I am usually EXHAUSTED at the end of the day, but I've never thought, "Ugh I hate this job!"

I do what I can around the house when I can, but I never beat myself up over it. Maybe it's my Type B personality, but I never feel guilty when my house isn't clean (which is most of the time). Sometimes the toilet gets a ring, and sometimes the dishes sit in the sink, but my sweet Sadie is happy and healthy. And, yes, sometimes my husband makes jokes about bon bons or comments on something that needs to be cleaned, but... I don't care. He's a good dad, and he supports my decision to stay at home. At the end of the day, we both play really valuable roles and we respect each other for them.

Geez, what the heck happened to this thread?! I'm so disappointed it fell into ye olde SAH vs WOH nonsense! I'm so over it!

@Kemma: I agree, it was pretty respectful and I always find it interesting to hear other moms' experiences. However, it wasn't the original point of the thread, and too often (to me), conversations about parenting end up becoming about SAH vs WOH..at the very least, about validating your own choices while devaluing others'.

Does that make sense? I am on my 2nd big glass of wine.

@photojane: These are essentially my feelings, as well.

I have trouble aligning myself with the martyr syndrome on either side of the coin. While I did genuinely enjoy my (often exhausting) career prior to having my daughter, I also dig staying home, and devoting my (often exhausting) days to her care. I guess I don't really get the point of trying to prove that I have it harder than my husband, my neighbor, or my friend. Why would I work so hard to convey a sense of unhappiness? If I loathed my situation to such a degree, I'd do my best to make immediate changes. I would hope others choose a route that brings their family optimal happiness and stability, rather than one that buys them kudos. I suppose I don't really understand this argument. I doubt there's an invested mother out there that couldn't use a tropical vacation. It's both tough and rewarding, regardless.

I think it depends on the baby. LO #1 had reflux, she was pretty hard to deal with. I couldn't set her down for a second, and she wouldn't let me sit. She always wanted me to be standing and bouncing. I got nothing done. She didn't like the carrier so wearing her to go to the grocery store or other errands wasn't an option, but she'd get fussy if in the stroller too long.

LO#2 is very easy going. Sometimes she'll stay in the swing when I need to get things done, and she's happy just sitting on my lap and chilling. She loves the ergo so I can put her in there to get things done too.

While I do have to leave time for feeding, poops, diaper changes, etc, it's still doable, where as it was not with my first.

@deerylou: Very well put.

At the end of the day, I don't "bow down" to anyone, stay at home, work at home, single parent, intergenerational help, whatever. Being a parent is a difficult undertaking and we all are doing the best we can.

@pui: Quick question: will he be taking time off when the baby comes? Because, imo, the more paternity leave he takes, the more he'll understand just how tough it'll be.

I also think that this is a very important point he needs to understand early on. Long term sleep deprivation is not easily understood, at least not until you're in the thick of it

@pui: As others said, it really is so hard to know how it will be until your little one is here. Some babies are fussier and don't sleep well so it is hard to get anything done. My son slept a lot during the days and still does so I do have quite a bit of time to get things done each day. But some days I'm just too mentally or physically tired to do hardly anything! I think your husband will realize how busy you will be once the baby is here. He'll have to do his share of work/help and can definitely put clothes away and put dishes in the dishwasher. Even if you weren't having a baby, he can put his dishes away. You may have fights about these things (like Mrs Green Grass) from time to time. We did. I remember asking for more help many times and feeling that my husband wasn't helping enough. But many times he was helping more than I realized and I was just too emotional and sleep-deprived to even notice so he had to point out how much he was helping. It'll be a roller-coaster for a bit, but you'll get into a groove and find what works for you!

@Anagram: My feeling is, the OP asked if SAHM was more difficult than her husband felt it was going to be, or basically how that tension would be resolved between her and her husband after the baby gets here. And in response she got a lot of comments from people who are not SAHMs telling her how manageable it is. Don't get me wrong, SAHM is definitely manageable....although perhaps not to the extent that her DH may think it is. But I just don't see why people who are not SAHMs felt comfortable commenting so cavalierly. It would be like me, as someone who works part-time, commenting on a post asking if 40hr plus workweek is manageable, or how to manage it, or whether or not it puts stress on my marriage. Fact is....stepping out of the workplace for good is fundamentally different from being away for 2, 3, 4, 5 etc. months, and it affects your marriage differently. I know lots of WOHMs and even when they were on ML they checked in to the office, they didn't lose that connection with the working world. In those first few months, they had help from family, had freezer meals prepared, and knew they were coming back to a wage. Maybe that isn't the case for all women who took ML but I think it is probably not the place of people who took ML to say that their experience is exactly like the experience of women who didn't take one, and instead elected to leave the workforce entirely, and forego a paycheck.

Yes, it would be possible for me to take my kid to playdates and coffee shops every day if I wanted to. But as an SAHM it gets tiring to schlep my kid around. Kindemusik is tiring; it is half me chasing him and half disciplining him. A whining 2 year old is tiring! One thing I found annoying about all the ML= SAHM posts is that they underestimate the difficulty of SAHMing a toddler. We traveled a ton with our 2 month old. Aside from the sleep deprivation, getting out wasn't a problem. Finding ways to keep a toddler entertained and happy all day long (no nap) is a lot more of a challenge for me.

Finally, yes....I do believe that if I were returning to work my priorities would be different. I'd be trying to do all the playdates, and all the mommy dates, knowing that my opportunity to do those things would be over soon. But DH and I decided that I would SAHM because it would take the burden off of him with regards to chores, etc. So that we can spend our free time together instead of doing chores. If I were a man, and he were a female breadwinner, it would still be the same way. And a big part of that trade-off was losing my pay....indefinitely. Part of my "job" is minimizing our expenses as much as I can. So even now, a lunch date with a mommy is an bimonthly occurrence at best! Coffee is a rarity, unless we are all out with family, and classes for baby are stringently budgeted months in advance and weighed against all other family priorities.

Also I live 25 minutes away from the nearest starbucks! So I have to pay for gas to get a coffee break. I know a lot of SAHMs probably live in the burbs or city, but for us, living in the burbs on one budget was not sustainable, so we live in a rural area. I bet there are more women out there who moved for their husbands jobs because they are SAHM than there are women who moved for their husbands jobs because they were on ML.

Ultimately, a WOHM would laugh at me if I tried to say that my experience was a cognate to her, so I don't see why an SAHM doesn't get to feel the same way.