Another negative.... now the infertility treaments begin

By Weswife Jun 4, 2016

This is my second month with a negative HPT being on progesterone. Now the doctor wants to try clomid, an ovulation shot, and some testing. I know some of you have been through way more than what I am even starting on, but I am terrified. She told me she wants to check my eggs and my fear is that I don't have any, but the one pregnancy I did have and lost. I am scared that my journey of becoming pregnant with my own child will now end soon in the next up coming weeks and I am completely heartbroken about it.

How did you guys get through all of the poking and the prodding. How did you emotionally handle the roller-coaster. The last four months alone have been the hardest in my life. It seems like my poor husband and myself just get thrown one thing after another. I need some advice on the upcoming events that are about to happen in my life. I desperately want to be a mother, but I worry all of the doctors appointments and etc. are simply going to make me more crazy than I have already become.

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12 comments

BSB
hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts

Jun 4, 2016

I'm so sorry that you have to proceed with fertility treatment. I know it's scary and easy to think the worst. The anxiety snowballed with me.

How old are you? Is that why you think you don't have eggs?

It seems like you are getting stressed (which is normal). Do you want to look into therapy to try to talk about? Infertility was hard on me and my husband. After our first IUI failed, we actually took a break from TTC because there were some unresolved marital issues. We took a 3 month break to go to marriage counseling. Luckily, we mended things and it made our marriage stronger. Oh, I saw a separate therapist to work on some anxiety of my own.

My advice is to hold onto hope. I'm not sure what fertility treatment is next. The clomid and ovulation shot just might be what you need to get pregnant.

As for the poking and prodding. Don't think of it that way. Think of it as doing a little exploring to see what is going on. If you want the reason why you aren't getting pregnant, the RE has to do a few diagnostic tests.

I know this is all unknown and scary but believe us who have been through IF and been through IUIs and IVF, when we tell you the diagnostic tests aren't that bad.
You'll probably get an HSG. Maybe search this site for HSG and it will give you some ideas on what to expect. It's completely normal to freak out but after it is over, start reading on your upcoming tests to try to understand. It might reduce your stress if you know why that test is being done. They aren't doing these tests for the hell of it.
Anyway, I hope your IF journey is short.

Don't feel bad for venting either. Infertility sucks. Especially when there are so many people who seem to have an easy time getting pregnant.

I do think therapy will help. I hate to say this but if the last 4 months have been hard, the next few months might even be harder.

There's an IF inspiration thread that I bumped. It was a great thread to read when I was having a lot of difficulties seeing if I'll ever be a mother.
Weswife
apricot / 458 posts

Jun 4, 2016

@bluestriped bee: Thanks for all the advice. I am almost 31, so my eggs are probably ok I just tend to go to worse case scenario.

I think the past four months have been difficult because we got pregnant on our second month of trying last Oct. Then lost our sweet baby and have since been surrounded by everyone we know and I MEAN EVERYONE talking about their pregnancies, their children, trying for number two etc. And we feel like we are stuck. I never imagined the miscarriage would affect me as emotionally as it did. I also never imagined that I would be the person who had to see an infertility doctor. Although I am sure no one does. I think my husband and I (especially I in this instance) am struggling because I don't understand how I could get pregnant so easy without any help and now I can't get pregnant at all, when I now have more knowledge then I ever thought I would need, more experience charting etc, then I ever even knew existed.

In terms of therapy, I checked into several and I have been before. We did marriage counseling our first year and since marriage has been great, we are so much better. I went on my own for intimacy issues because I had several cysts and things (that made intimacy quite painful and difficult) that have since been successfully removed. So I know therapy is an option, before though I went into debt to go because all the insurance covered doctors were terrible. So thats the only reason I have left the idea on the back burner. I don't really want to go into debt again when fertility treatments may need our money.

UGH thats all I can currently say. Also sorry I probably gave you way to much TMI about my life.
BSB
hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts

Jun 4, 2016

@Weswife: It sounds like the stress and anxiety from your miscarriage is still strong. I'm so sorry about your loss. I do think that whatever fertility treatments you will do will make your stress worse. Maybe acupuncture if you don't want to do therapy. I haven't been to a therapist because I've been seeing a fertility Acupunturist for the last 2 years. Acupuncture really helped me quiet my mind and it reduced my anxiety. Something that might help both get pregnant and stress.
Pollywog
persimmon / 1111 posts

Jun 4, 2016

@Weswife: not to get too personal, but did you have a D&C with your MC? Did they do a follow up ultrasound to make sure they got everything? A friend had some retained tissue. As soon as she had another D&C she got pregnant again.
runnerd
pear / 1593 posts

Jun 4, 2016

@Weswife: I'm a little surprised that your doctor is taking so many interventions already? With my first, I got pregnant 3rd cycle, and lost it at 8 weeks. It then took me 7 months to conceive a healthy pregnancy - 3 of those months were post-miscarriage and I wasn't ovulating. I was 28 at the time, and my doctors advised me to give it time, give my body time, etc. ETA: which of course I was anxious stressed mess during that time
catlady
grapefruit / 4988 posts

Jun 4, 2016

@Weswife: I'm very sorry for your loss, and for what sounds like a very stressful and painful journey so far. Is your doctor possibly causing you some of this stress? The reason I ask is that it sounds like she is being extremely pro-active at this stage and maybe you are taking that to mean that she thinks something is wrong. In my OB practice, you would have to be TTC for at least 12 months to be offered IF treatments. I've gone through 3 losses but no one has ever suggested that something is wrong with me, they just say I'm unlucky. No one has ever mentioned testing my eggs (that would get me extremely nervous as well!), and I am several years older than you. So just wondering if perhaps all the tests are causing you to think that something is wrong when maybe everything is actually ok.

It's not at all uncommon for cycles to take awhile to become normal again after a loss, especially if you had some retained tissue. After my Oct loss, I had a couple very long and weird cycles before they regulated again. Hopefully that is just what is going on in your case.
Weswife
apricot / 458 posts

Jun 4, 2016

@Pollywog: I did not have a D&C I miscarried at home and TMI but I have the placenta completely in tack with amniotic fluid pass. After I told the be doctor he assured me I was good.
Weswife
apricot / 458 posts

Jun 4, 2016

@runnerd: my doctor is only
Being proactive because I asked. Our fertility doctor doesn't think anything is wrong, but she wants to check to rule out only because she doesn't know. She is doing steps because I was supposed to get an appt. with my OB but he was booked solid for two months. So the office kindly schedule me with the fertility doctor. I honestly think I am stressed mostly still from the miscarriage. I so desperately want what all my friends have and I did have but lost. She is just willing to help me get that. She told me why would I make you try for a year when you know what you want. I just tend to go worse case scenario thoughts in every instance of my life so I think that is part of my fear and the unknown. This world of infertility is so new to me and it's been a whirl wind since last October, when I became pregnant the first time. I went into trying the first time as most do, without really and knowledge and now my brain is quite overloaded. And it's stressful to try month after month with disappointed.

I also wrote this post immediately after my negative this morning when I was a little over emotional. Which I am with every negative test. I need to remember to relax and let myself take it all in before I panic!
Weswife
apricot / 458 posts

Jun 4, 2016

@runnerd: also I have been in contact with my doctor since the miscarriage and he requested the appt. After several blood tests and no understanding of why I felt the way I felt. The miscarriage really messed up my hormones. So I have been on hormones to help get me back to normal.
BabyTsMom
clementine / 856 posts

Jun 4, 2016

@Weswife: First, I'm sorry for your loss. It is incredibly sad and difficult to go through. Just wanted to give you a little encouragement. I also got pregnant our second cycle of trying. Unfortunately that ended in miscarriage, for which I had to undergo a D&C. It then took two chemical pregnancies and an IUI before I had one stick. It took 18 months from the time I got pregnant the very first time, to the point I got pregnant with my LO.
It was so, so hard. I was also especially sensitive to people around me talking about their pregnancies, etc. I even got irritated at a friend who was complaining of morning sickness, because I was so certain I would never complain about feeling terrible if I were pregnant! (Yeah right!)
Anyway- hang in there. It's such a difficult time. It's hard not to obsess. But I can also say that stress just doesn't help things. You are still young so I don't know that you necessarily need to seek fertility treatment just yet, but it depends on you and your husband. When we started trying, our OB told us to try for 6 months before seeking help. And I was 35-36 at the time.
Good luck to you.
jaguar
pomegranate / 3764 posts

Jun 4, 2016

It does seem to be very early to be seeking infertility treatment, particularly when you're young and have already concieved naturally (I'm so sorry for your loss.)

As frustrating as it is, it can take perfectly healthy, fertile couples, up to and over 12 months to become pregnant.

It doesn't hurt to do some cycle monitoring and diagnostic testing for peace of mind, but if you're feeling overwhelmed, remember that you do have time on your side here.

(And trust me, I know how frustrating it is wanting what seemingly everyone else has - it took us 2+ years for #1 and 2+ years and three losses for this pregnancy. Waiting sucks. But diving into infertility treatment ALSO sucks, particularly if you can avoid it!)
Weswife
apricot / 458 posts

Jun 4, 2016

@jaguar: we aren't going to iui, ivf or anything intense... Simply trying Clomid. She is pretty positive I am not ovulating so she is just going to help that. The only reason I am nervous is the ultrasound to check eggs. What if I get terrible news? I mean it would be good to know but still scary.

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