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@Adira: I agree... I already sacrifice time for myself for the sake of marriage, but then we also need self care to be able to function! We've been in a pretty good place, but lately we are both stressed out and def letting it build up b/c we are just so tired by the end of the night to sit and talk!
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I hate meal planning, cooking, etc. I feel like it's all I think about because if I don't plan, we eat crap. Everything is also always rushed because there just isn't enough time.
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Definitely time for myself and time (alone) with my husband. Not even talking about sex, but just time to chill together in the evenings on a regular basis.
E won’t go to sleep before 8:30, but usually it’s more like 9 pm. We don’t get home until 6, and then it’s a rush to get dinner on the table, eat, play, bath, whatever. By the time I put her to bed, I’m completely exhausted and more often than I’d like, I just go to sleep too, because I don’t want to be up until 11. I have 3 hours then to get everything done – make and eat dinner, make/prep lunches for the next day, do laundry if it can’t wait until the weekend, some evenings either or both of us have work that needs to be done that evening, E wants to play, I want to have some time to snuggle with her and veg out. There just isn’t enough time. And I need a good amount of personal time and space, and this break-neck pace is rinse and repeat so I constantly feel worn thin and exhausted.
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@lovehoneybee: Once J started sleeping through the night and wasn't breastfed, life got easier. The balance is still difficult even with both parents there at night. I remember on here people saying that 2 kids gets easier at 1 years old for the youngest. It's what I'm hoping too.
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Time to do chores, time to spend with kids, time to spend with husband, time to work on house so we can list it next week. As soon as I get home from work I put the 4 month old down and expect the 3.5 year old to entertain her so I can wash bottles/pump parts and make dinner. 4 month old goes to bed at 6:30 and has to be held until we go to bed, so someone does bedtime for 3.5 year old and chores while the other holds baby... it's not ideal. Forget about time for myself or with DH.
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I have been having a hard time switching from one mode to another. If I have a stressful day at work, it is tough to be patient with LO, especially if she is being whiny. I feel like I haven't been enjoying my time with her as much as I should, especially since it's so limited. Part of the problem is that I'm newly pregnant, so I've been exhausted the past few days. I haven't had good luck with pregnancies and I'm already scared that it will end up being really hard on everyone (me of course, but also DH). It's tough to deal with working, parenting, and being pregnant (and sick and terrified of another loss) all at once, while having to pretend that everything is hunky dory.
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I think I'm feeling pretty good in this area, but my husband is really feeling the stress of being a working parent now. Our current issue is the division of responsibility for household/childcare tasks.
We hired a nanny this year, so MY life as a working parent has improved a ton--I used to be 100% responsible for all daycare pick up/drop off, packing daycare lunch and bag, and making dinner each night while watching the kiddo. And I never got 1 second of alone time, because the kid left with me and returned with me. And DH used to get every morning alone from 6:45 am when we left to 8 am when he left.
But now that we have the nanny, I leave early and only get myself ready, and my husband is home with 1-2 kids (depending on the day), and he's struggling to get ready for work while having a kid (or kids) there before the nanny arrives. Plus, we like for the house to be in good shape for the nanny, so now he makes both beds in the morning and he's getting some rage lately because he feels like he's the one doing it all now.
I kind of want to be mean and say, "hey, welcome to my life of the past year", but I know that's not productive.
I'm not sure how to go about this situation. His suggestion is that I set my alarm for even earlier, so I can get ready for work and THEN go around making beds and stuff before leaving for work. But I kind of feel like we have a good balance right now, and he needs to deal with it because it's pretty equitably split.
His duties are:
am: Get up whenever the girls get up. Could be 5:50 am, could be 6:30 am. Change diapers, put toddler on potty, generally entertain. Make beds. Do any general clearing/cleaning up (this is usually minimal, like put away 2 glasses and 1 plate that are on the counter). Nanny comes at 7:30 and he has 30 minutes to get ready for work to leave by 8. On school days, dress toddler and brush hair, because toddler leave with m at 6:45 am. Then he has just the baby till 8 am when he leaves for work.
pm: come home from work and help me get kids in bed. Help clean up dinner. Wash bottles while I pump (nanny washes all daytime bottles. I mean maybe 1 bottle that baby drinks after nanny leaves).
My responsiblities are:
am: Get myself ready for work. Pack my own pump bag, lunch, snacks, water. Pump. If I have time, I help do hair or dress the toddler. On Nanny days, the nanny does it. On school days, usually DH does it.
pm: pick up toddler from school. Come home and entertain both kids and do 1 pump from 4:30-7:00 om. In that time, make dinner and feed kids. While doing all that, pack toddler's lunch for next day. I usually clean up toys 2-3 times during this period (clean as the girls play). I vacuum 1-2 times a week, wipe kitchen counters, wipe down bathroom counters and mirror, etc. After DH arrives, we split bedtime duty with the girls. Help clean up dinner. Pump before bed.
Do you guys think this is a fair split? Or does he have a right to be angry/frustrated?
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@anagram the split up seems to be equitable. He appears to have more duties in the AM and you have more duties in the PM.
This is such a generalization, but I do think that sometimes guys can get quickly overwhelmed, meanwhile we're like "yes this is normal."
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@Anagram: that definitely seems fair and I would not be waking up any earlier. He can wake up earlier if he needs more time!!
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Finding time to work out. I ran before having DS, but I don't have 2 hours a day to devote to running anymore, so I'm just trying to squeeze in a half hour here and there, but I'd love to have an hour to myself every day to workout. I need to lose 20 lbs and it feels like I don't have the time to workout, and it's so hard to meal plan for my diet and everyone else's actual needs.
Other than that, I feel ok. I'm pretty hardcore about getting things done quickly after I get home at night, and DS is asleep by 8, so I tend to get at least an hour with my husband who has to go to sleep around 9 because he wakes so early for work.
I generally just wish I had more time in general. It's hard to get even mostly everything done each day.
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@Run2shore: yeah, he's been really upset the past week or so, in particular about having to make the beds in the morning. Up until the last week, the baby was always sleeping in our room till I left for work, so I couldn't make the bed (she ends up in our bed 85% of the time). But lately, she's up about 10 minutes before I leave, so I'm in crunch time mode, grabbing my lunch and pump bag and looking for my coat and shoes--and he's making passive aggressive comments like "The baby's up...I guess you can make the bed now". So we discussed this last night and his solution is that if he has to make our toddler's bed, I should start setting my alarm earlier to put in time to make our bed, clean up random stuff from overnight (dropped pacis, dropped burp cloths, etc).
And I think he should continue doing it--since I leave at 6:45 am and he leaves at 8 am. I know I do a lot more in the PM, but it's all invisible to him because he's not there.
I think it's been a hard adjustment for him because previously, I left the house with LO super early and he was alone in the morning, and he never ever ever cleaned. We didnt' make beds (because no on was seeing it), and if dishes were left out the night before, he left it for me to do when I got home from work. And if LO dumped out a basket of blocks or something, he left it until I got home from work and would pick it up. So he basically went from 0 cleaning responsibility in the AM to quite a bit. =)
And I went from coming home every day to see old dishes and toys strewn everywhere and unmade beds to a really clean house!
So the change has been really positive for me, but negative for him. And he's been very vocal about letting me know.
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@Anagram: one thing that I had a hard time getting DH to recognize was that pumping fell into the "taking care of the kids" category and not the "getting myself ready" or "downtime" category. Once he realized that, he understood better how much time I was spending doing childcare related tasks. (This was a non-issue with LO1 since I was BFing, but am EPing with LO2.)
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@mrs.shinerbock: oh he 100% doesn't get that, and I don't think he ever will. I EPd for LO1 and he never got it, and I nursed LO2 until 6 months and then switched to EPing and he still doesn't get it.
Small example: my last pump is 9 pm. The kids are always asleep by that point, so we usually watch tv or whatever--but it's not "total relaxation time", because I have to sit in one place and pump, then put pump parts away, put the milk in a bag, etc. So last night I'm pumping and DH announces he's going to bed. I asked him if he washed the last 2 bottles or made the overnight bottles (LO2 still wakes once). He got really snappy and was like "I do it every night! You do it for once!". I said, I pump every single night and can't go to bed before I do it, so we're even. I then added in that I also give up my lunch break to pump, and I also have to pump while watching two kids after work, and in the morning. He says pumping at night
doesn't count because I'm watching tv while I do it. He was just pissy in general last night about the amount of work he has to do around the house now. I can tell he's pretty resentful about it lately, but I don't know how to "fix it" without taking on more work. Which I think isn't fair.I realize this thread jack is making him seem like an asshole, but he really isn't--I think he does more parenting and household stuff than almost any other husband I know. But I think he's having trouble adjusting to the new responsibilities he has now.
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@cascademom: my youngest is 10.5 months and it is slowly getting easier.
@Anagram: seems fair to me. We also recently hired a nanny and since my DH works from home he thinks more responsibilities are on him when in reality he is just picking up stuff I was already doing or more realistically he was used to having 10 hours of alone time in the house each day and now he has none unless the nanny takes the kids out.
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@BananaPancakes: I've been running at lunch is that an option for you? It is the only way I have managed to find time consistently. I get an hour and try to run for 35 mins and then spending 20 changing and chugging water lol
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@Anagram: it seems fair to me. DH and I have the same setup - only one kid, though - we are in a nanny share so every other month we are at our house. I work 8-4 (leave at 7:15) and DH works 8:45-6 (plus evenings), so DH does the morning duties and I do the afternoon/evenings (we call each other the "morning czar" and "afternoon czar"). It works out pretty well and even though the mornings are pretty crazy for him sometimes, DH definitely prefers me having to deal with the witching hour/dinner craziness for sure. And likewise, I don't mind that and would much prefer it to the mornings.
I do think we have a pretty equitable balance (not equal, but equitable) and we don't argue about it much. I will say, however, that the biggest thing that helped him realize how much I do in the afternoons/evenings was when I was away for a work trip for 4 days - just one weekday! but enough to realize that toddlers are basically the devil between the hours of 4 and 7pm. While I was pumping at work, I also had a list on our fridge of all of the pumping-related things I needed to do every day (wash bottles, store milk, all the things I needed to make sure to have in my pumping bag), which I think was a nice visual reminder for DH of all of the crap I had to keep straight in my head relative to his responsibilities which, frankly, were (1) entertain DS, and (2) normal household things that I expected him to do before kids, anyway!
One thing that would help both of you is to shift your expectations for what the house needs to look like for your nanny. When we are hosting our nanny share, I make sure the playroom is picked up every night (most afternoons DS makes a mess of it after our nanny leaves) and the kitchen is clean (floor swept, dishes put away, etc). But even though the other kid naps in a pnp in our master bedroom, we straight up NEVER make our bed. Not worth the stress!
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Right now it's making enough time for work. We are in the last pushes of busy season which ends tomorrow and I am home with a sick baby. DH took yesterday off. I just started my job in January so I'm nervous.
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@jetsa: My kid goes to work with me, and I work in a bad area, so I would have to drive a good 20 minutes to run anywhere outside. I used to run on the treadmill before DS at lunch because we have a small gym on our property, but can't do it now because treadmill + 4 year old = disaster. Ha ha.
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@cascademom: I kept thinking that life would magically get easier at one year! LO2 is 13 months now, starting STTN a few weeks ago, and now only nurses morning and evening. But I still feel just as overwhelmed.
Objectively, I guess my life has gotten easier; but I feel like we are in deep enough that small changes don't make much of a difference. But some of that is the particulars of my job right now, and some of it is probably having a kid who was a mild-mannered infant but a pretty opinionated 1 year old. Or maybe it's seasonal affective disorder; I need the sun to come back!
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@BananaPancakes: ahh darn! If my kids were at work or I had to drive anywhere, it would not happen either
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Sleep. I'm so freaking exhausted all the time. I feel really overwhelmed and I think it is because I'm so chronically tired. My son is 7 months and we do have good nights and bad nights but even on the good nights I'm tired - I don't sleep well, I wake up every time he makes a sound, etc.
I feel stressed all the time about being "behind" on everything. I have let a lot of stuff go but it's still a challenge. My husband says I need to just "quit worrying about cleaning," but I mean, some stuff has to get done - like laundry, pick up before the babysitter comes, clean bathrooms occasionally. He helps if I ask - but I have to ask which is stressful. He doesn't see the mess.
My marriage suffers too I know. I try to go to bed really early (8:30-9pm) so I can get at least *some* sleep. So we don't really spend time together. And in between when my son goes to bed (6:30-7) and when I go to bed, I am running around like crazy washing pump parts, cleaning, folding laundry, packing my food for work, etc.
Seriously I'm just so tired. Does it get better?
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@mediagirl: we aren't quite to the point where our toddler is asking to do certain things or has neighborhood friends, but I think the evening struggle is the very hardest thing about being a working parent. Taking time to make dinner for a hungry kid, trying to spend some quality time when he's overstimulated from the day, tired and crabby, and then feeling like bedtime comes SO soon (even though we're exhausted and mostly ready for him to be in bed). I don't have any answers, just solidarity. And my 'cooking' has become heating up meals from costco, pasta and sauce and other things that take less than 15 minutes to make. (pregnancy nausea is not helping this situation!) Hang in there - so many of us are right there with you!
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We haven't been able to figure out how to eat together as a family at home after work. LO is 19 months and as soon as we get home he wants to eat. For the most part he doesn't like the meals I make for DH and I - I'll give him some to try but he prefers eating chicken nuggets, beefaroni, black beans, avocado. So DH and I usually eat after we put LO to bed. Only if we get take out can we all eat together. I am hoping at some point LO1 will be able to start dinner later giving me a chance to prepare meals - sometimes I only need 30 minutes but LO1 does not want to wait to eat.
@Anagram: this is my fear - we are due with LO2 in a few weeks and with LO1 we split the responsibilities similarly at night when I pumped. DH was a really good sport about it before but with 2 kids, a different job, other issues - I am worried he'll not want to help as much. Right now he doesn't want to clean the floor but being 9 months pregnant - I can't pick up everything and scrub it as well as he can - we had a little talk about that last week and it went well but I see burn out coming when the baby arrives.
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I am struggling with work-life balance, as most of you of you seem to be....
My job is fine, not super challenging but I have to BE here for 40 hours a week and our toddler has been sick off and on since December. Just last night we were in the ER with pneumonia. My DH works a much more demanding job and so much of the childcare falls on me. BUT, I am out of days. Like close to being unpaid for the next days off... so it is this big argument/constant battle that has turned ugly lately because he doesn't understand that I do 80% and he does 20%. It has turned into a really contentious situation and now I don't know if I even want to TTC another LO because there is no balance and I'm completely jammed up at work for days off.
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@MrsADS: It got a lot better for us when I made my husband in charge of washing/packing my pump parts and the baby's bottles. It's a season, it will get better. I've had to get better about asking for help whenI need it, especially now that I am pregnant again.
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@mediagirl: I struggle the most with keeping the house clean on a daily basis and grocery shopping/preparing meals. Its a lot!
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My biggest struggle right now is having energy. I'm 20w pregnant, and even though I should be past the first trimester exhaustion, I'm still struggling. It was like this with DS too, but I didn't have a toddler to worry about. I struggle with energy to make dinner, to play with DS, to do any amount of cleaning. And so much slack falls on DH, who's a total rock star.
Our nights are structured well enough that I feel like we have enough time now (get home around 5:15/5:30, dinner 6/6:30, bedtime routine at 7/7:30 - adult time at 8ish. Bed around 9:30. But when LO2 is here there will be so many more things to be done - pumps parts and bottles to wash, bottles to prepare for the next day, pump bag to prepare, etc etc.
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@Anagram: I think your split is fair. I actually need to start talking to T about this now before #2 gets here. He's going to have to step up and not wait for me to do it all.
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@psw27: That is so tough :-/. I definitely take the majority of sick days when LO is sick - mostly because he prefers me when he isn't feeling well. But sometimes it's just a recovery day and I need to work/have my husband take over with sick childcare. We have a system where if it is a Monday or Friday (easier days for him to take off) and LO isn't TOO sick, then he takes over. It's not equal, but its something we can live with. But my husband doesn't have a super demanding job, just one with a crazy schedule.
With my last maternity leave, I had 3+ weeks of sick time saved up to use so it wasn't an unpaid leave, but this time I will be lucky if I even can save up a few days of sick time to cover my leave!
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@Anagram: I think part of this could be a personal needs thing. Like, some people need time in the morning to zone out to face the day and some people need wind down time in the evening to cope with life. My wind down time is definitely in the evenings and I hustle hard from the minute I wake up in the morning, but my husband is the opposite. He works until he is ready for bed, but prefers to ease into his mornings. He lays in bed reading on his phone for a while to wake up, maybe takes his phone to the bathroom for a while, and even if he hears DS screeching in his crib (DH gets up with DS in the mornings), he usually makes DS wait until he's mentally ready to parent. On days DH commutes, he gets up like a good hour before he needs to leave for work because he likes to take a long shower and ease into his day and eat breakfast. He just in general does not like to rush in the mornings because it gives him anxiety and stress before his work day officially begins.
He used to be annoyed at me because I was always like sprawled out unable to move in the evenings and I would be pissed at him because he moved slow as molasses in the mornings, but after a lot of trial and error, we've worked at trying to accommodate those inclinations in our parenting schedules. (Granted, our second is due next month, so ask me then how its working with a newborn!)
For instance, DH does a lot more with DS in the evenings so I can fit in vegging out after getting all the household tasks done. But I also add tasks to my evening list to streamline DH's mornings, since he gets up with DS most days. For instance, I prep the daycare bags and have them in the car, have his and DS' breakfasts ready in the fridge, pack DH's lunches for his commute days, lay out both DH's and DS' outfits for the next day (down to underwear and socks), and make sure the coffee is set up the night before. I've also been trying to remember to run the dishwasher right after dinner and then EMPTY it before I go to bed. That way I can remind DH to just stick dirty dishes directly into the dishwasher instead of having to see a dirty sink after work.
Perhaps your husband really needed that hour in the morning in silence to mentally get ready for the day, regardless of whether the things he actually has to do in the mornings are minimal. And getting up with the kids when you didn't have to before is jarring - or at least it was for my husband when he took over that task.
It might help just to acknowledge that he may have a similar need to ease into his day and that its hard for him to give up some peace and quiet in the mornings. Perhaps you can suggest a compromise where you just shut your bedroom door and ask him to just make the toddler's bed. Or get a dishpan for the counter suggest that he leave the breakfast dishes in there until the dishwasher gets loaded after dinner for "efficiency." In a pinch, that one evening bottle can stay dirty and go in the dishpan as well. Honestly, the nanny would probably just wash it in the morning when she got there and not say anything - its what I would have done when I nannied. Or you can consciously "trade" one PM task for an AM task - like if he will clean up the toys in the playroom or wipe down the kitchen counters at night, you will take over making the beds.
As to the pumping thing, my husband didn't really get what a PITA it was either, but it helped when I made him start washing my pump parts every night in addition to doing the bottle wash. All these parts and pieces to wash, then they have to be air dried, etc. He was like ugh, this is so annoying. I had a second set of parts in case he just didn't get to it and we'd rotate through them every other day, but yeah, I had to make it "real" to him because to him it looked like I'm just sitting there relaxing and I was like I HATE PUMPING SO MUCH.
Hugs to you, I know its hard.
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@Anagram: Pumping is terrible! We just kinda had to come to the agreement that right now my "chore" was pumping and his "chore" was washing and bottle prep.
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Here is my "challenge":
I feel like when I am at home I see 100 things that need to be done. Chores like laundry and stuff but also projects. Sort out kids clothes for next season, plan the birthday party, house project etc.
Then when I'm sitting at work with free time, I just stew and get resentful of the fact that I am stuck at work while I feel like I have a million things at home I could be working on. I am trying to do better about "planning" while I'm at work so when I do have time at home to "execute" its ready to go but its hard.
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@gingerbebe: He's actually the morning person in our house. He's a naturally early riser and doesn't want to sleep in, even when he has the chance. I'm the person with sleep issues in our house. But even with my sleep issues, I don't get to shirk on my duties as a mom and partner in keeping the household going, you know? Like hey, I'm constantly exhausted. I'd love to go to bed early, but I need to pump at 9, and I can't just pump an hour earlier because then I don't pump as much, and my baby is 97% for weight and eats as much (or more) than I make, so every time I cut down a pump time by a few minutes, or move it around--I get stress about not having enough milk for the next day.
It's just a lot of moving parts for me, and I'm kind of pissed he's whining about making beds when I'm doing this pumping gig right now. I'm literally pumping right now at work while I type this. blah.
I'm sure things will be better once this kiddo reaches 1 and I can wean. I remember feeling like I had SO MUCH TIME after I weaned LO1.
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@Anagram: Yea we struggled with the sleep issue too. He can stay up watching Tv until 11 but complains about chores and stuff. Dude, do you know how much I could get done if I stayed up until 11 and woke up refreshed at 6:30!
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@Anagram: I hear you. I had low supply and pumped 6 sessions, 30 minutes each, every single day, and STILL needed to supplement with formula to get DS enough. One day, I counted up all the time I spent pumping, cleaning up from pumping, washing bottles, and feeding and holding my reflux-y son upright after his feedings to keep his milk down and it was 8 hours. EIGHT HOURS! I told my husband when he got home and I was like I WORK 56 HOURS A WEEK TO KEEP OUR SON FED. THAT'S NOT COUNTING EVERYTHING ELSE I DO TO KEEP HIM AND ME AND YOU ALIVE. I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW.
My husband IS a morning person - but to him the reason mornings are awesome is because he's awake and doesn't have to rush around like a chicken with his head cut off. I'm intense in the mornings because I'm NOT a morning person and try to do as little as quickly as possible when I get up. I'd much rather sleep in.
But yeah, it took a while for us to find our rhythm and to understand our inclinations. Honestly, if its so much stress on you guys, I would offer the nanny an extra dollar an hour or something and see if she wouldn't mind handling the breakfast dishes and beds and just take it off his plate just so you don't have to deal with the passive aggressive comments because I'd be pissed too.
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@psw27: Ugh, hugs lady. Can you guys find a nanny agency that can send back-up nannies or sitters to be with C when he's home sick? We contracted with one when S started daycare because DH wasn't willing to do the multiple first-year sick days (I mean, I get it, he works a ton and its not really profitable to do that) and I really was resistant to missing work because I'm only in the office 3 days a week. Financially, its obviously not great (like today, we have to pay daycare AND pay for a sitter to come sit with S all day), but at least there's coverage and I don't feel like I'm being a bad employee. Back-up nannies usually will stay with sick kids as long as its not like straight up the flu or something similarly awful.
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@gingerbebe: @lattelove thanks
Things are just really stressful at home... It has been a tough winter sickness wise. I think we are going to start looking into backup care/nannies. Of course DH has this available through his work but never mentioned that until yesterday. Awesome. Could have saved myself a bunch of vacation days over the last 20 months....
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@psw27: Ugh, between that and the $1000 care credit you missed out on, I would be stressed out too. Good thing you run!
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@gingerbebe: trust me, those are just 2 examples of many....
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I'm an introvert who likes a lot of quiet down-time. I'm finding it really tough to get anywhere near enough without neglecting something else that really can't stand to be neglected either. Our house is a wreck. My partner does more than a fair share. My work hours are flexible, so I'm often working only a 32-34 hour week. But I still don't have enough time to do things like read, take walks, relax in the bath, or just play alone on the internet.
doesn't count because I'm watching tv while I do it. He was just pissy in general last night about the amount of work he has to do around the house now. I can tell he's pretty resentful about it lately, but I don't know how to "fix it" without taking on more work. Which I think isn't fair.
But yeah, it took a while for us to find our rhythm and to understand our inclinations. Honestly, if its so much stress on you guys, I would offer the nanny an extra dollar an hour or something and see if she wouldn't mind handling the breakfast dishes and beds and just take it off his plate just so you don't have to deal with the passive aggressive comments because I'd be pissed too.
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