DS is on his third daycare at a couple months shy of 3. He was at his first daycare from (6 months until nearly 2.5) and we left because he didn't seem to be thriving there. That daycare was shocked when we wanted to leave. He was only at the second daycare for a couple of months and we all decided it wasn't working because his behavioral issues that I don't think she was equipped to deal with. Now we are at an in-home preschool and every week they are telling me, essentially, what's wrong with DS (I should mention he is speech delayed and in weekly speech therapy.) Last week, it was that he is extremely immature and an "inexperienced child," so I tried to implement some changes. The week before that it was because he was really amped up one day and wouldn't listen, so I looked into his diet etc. Today, I was told he should be evaluated because he can't seem to remember or listen to simple tasks. For example, he knew what it meant to put his cup on the counter last week, but had to be told 5+ times today to do it because he couldn't seem to remember/understand. I said that his previous daycares did most things for him, so he probably just needs practice and I was told that I was "making excuses." They dont think its behavioral. They wanted me to talk to his speech therapist about it which I did.
To say this whole daycare business has been a stressful part of my life is an understatement...so, now I am sitting next to DS while he's in the bath and am crying. I don't know what to do. I feel like I have failed him. I don't know what I am looking for, but I could use some support.
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I'm so sorry to hear this. As a fellow teacher mom I think these kind of things hit us hard. Do you have any friends with kids his age so that you get a good bearing / reference point for what is the range of normal at this age? That helped me when I was worried about LO1's speech, though it worries me now with his disobedience.... he is way more disobedient than any of my friend's kids. He rarely follows directions like "put your cup on the counter" - I have to couch it in suggestive phrases or physically hold his hands to have him follow the direction.
If it's an in home preschool, there's still a good chance that they've only had limited experience/exposure, compared to an official daycare with more history or students. I also think it sounds like they don't have much tact or solutions-oriented thinking... just immediately to testing, instead of strategies.
Again, sorry to hear this and I hope it is just transitional
when does your school year end and are you thinking of decreasing his preschool hours in the summer?
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@DesertDreams88: I agree. It's hard as a teacher to not take these things personally because I want to fix it and feel like I should be able to. I know my son is speech delayed for sure (and is diagnosed,) but our speech therapist has said she has no other concerns about DS at this time. She also kept saying "he's still little!"
My guess is that daycare thinks of DS as a "pet project" because he is special needs and all her other kids have been there since birth. She is very knowledgeable but opinionated.
My guess is that DS is fine, but immature for his age (along with the speech delay.)
Our school year ends June 1st, but DH and I have decided that he will do pick up for a while because I just can't anymore. -
@crazydoglady: you are doing a great job! It is so hard to hear someone else be critical of your child. And you want to have a partnership with your provider but this doesn’t sound like a constructive relationship so far. I am so sorry!
I am also confused about what “having him evaluated” means. The behavior you are referencing sounds totally age appropriate (and my little guy is the same age as your son). A seasoned provider should not be concerned about that.
I am wondering if she is feeling threatened by how the things that have worked in the past (since she is so knowledgeable) are not as effective with your DS, so she is (over?) reacting by putting the cause on DS and not on her? It feels like this may be some of her stuff being projected on DS?
Just sending hugs and encouragement that you deserve a quality provider that will work with you!
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@MamaCate: Thank you so much for this. It's also a relief to hear that your LO also forgets simple things sometimes, too. And as for the projecting, that makes a lot of sense because she prides herself on being seasoned/knowledgeable. I'm not sure what he would be evaluated for...cognition? Memory? Speech therapy said he is definitely a tactile, visual, and audio learner...so I think he just needs more support.
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Oh dear, I’m so sorry. Our oldest was speech delayed and had to abruptly get pulled from his daycare and then wait like 3 months to get into his current school while I was home with a newborn. Changing and finding a new school with pregnancy, exhaustion, and PP brain was the worst.
Our son is turning 4 in September and we really have seen drastic improvement in his speech in the last 6 months. Unfortunately it also coincided with behavior issues - like right before he’d get a new burst in speech he’d act like a psycho - all that new skill development.
That said, I would try to find a new school because there’s no way I could deal with that kinda stress. Hugs to you mama! You’re working so hard!
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I’m so sorry, this sounds terribly frustrating and upsetting - I hate when people assume they know your kid, especially when they haven’t known him for long at all. Can you master the polite nod and “we’re working with some experts, thanks” dismissively? Ugh.
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Hang in there! People can say what they want...expert or not. Try not to take it personally...which is easier said than done. I dont have any other suggestions....just another weary mom tired of other ppl being judgy about my kids. Our pediatrician gave me a hard time not long ago about DS2's lack of speech....and he has had speech therapy for over two years now and has made a ton of progress that she didnt seem to realize...even though she is the same ped he has seen for his entire life. I left the office in tears. We are now considering an evaluation from developmental ped for peace of mind...I actually met with a member of their team yesterday.
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Do you have an EI program in your state that does free evaluations? You are probably right, but if there is an issue besides speech, early intervention makes a huge difference.
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But are you seeing the things they're talking about at home? And is he younger than the other kids? It could just be that they're expecting behavior that's not developmentally appropriate, or that the day care is not a good fit and he's acting very different there because of that. Or even that they're, um, just fishing for problems because they can't find a good approach to help him thrive. None of these possibilities are good, but it's entirely possible that the issue is with day care, not him, and he just needs a more patient caregiver who's not out to put a label on him.
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Oh my, I'm so sorry this is happening and adding stress on you. From a practical standpoint, I would ask that they not suggest treatment or attempt to diagnose my child anymore - it's a hard thing to say, considering the small setting and her experience (you can start with compliments on this to soften the request maybe) but it's really not the daycare providers role here.
Ask that if she sees strategies or techniques that are working for him, to tell you about them so you can reinforce them at home. Tell her you'll do the same with the recommendations from his current speech therapist and the work you're already doing with him at home based on his medical professionals advice. There has to be a way to communicate that this is not appropriate, and that he simply needs patience, time, and care above anything else via daycare.
Good luck! Many hugs. -
@crazydoglady: hugs mama! This definitely sounds more like her than your DS to me. In my state they do have developmental preschools that offer early intervention in a classroom setting once kids are 3+. Is there anything like that by you? I would think the speech therapist might be a good person to ask.
And yes my July baby who is almost 3 has days when he is super cooperative and days when I say the same thing a million times and he acts like he can’t hear me. To me that is just toddlers being toddlers and he isn’t listening to me because he is busy thinking about the garbage truck coming or the shark on his shirt or other things that are more important to him at that moment! I just roll with it.
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@Ms.Mermaid: We do and we originally started there for speech but it ended up being a waste of time, and DS would be aging out anyway. I totally know what you mean, but I don't think there is an issue but the constant diagnosing of him is getting really frustrating and overwhelming.
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@Mama Bird: I do see some of these issues, but he seems more like an immature (for his age) and inattentive nearly 3 year old. She said that other than that he has a great day there and goes on and on about his successes, so it's really confusing. I haven't gotten the "he's not a good fit" vibe from her.
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It sounds like the one having difficulty with this transition is the daycare provider. She’s been with the others since infancy, so she knows what works for them. Your son is new. She should expect a transitional period and to try different strategies until they find their groove. It sounds like she’s forgotten that. I’d try to find a tactful way to convey that, but honestly it would be hard.
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@lindseykaye: @MamaCate: @tlynne: @erinbaderin: @gingerbebe: Thank you so much for the support. We live in a small town with few options and I feel like our only other option is yet another home based daycare/preschool which I don't want. DH and I are going to have him start doing pick up to see if that makes a difference. From everything else I can tell, he is thriving there but it almost seems like DS is her project or something. She once told me "I hope you don't mind me telling you these things but you seem really easy to talk to and I you seem to want to know everything you can to help DS." And I am kicking myself now because I didn't correct her. After having issues at other daycares, I was just trying to keep the peace.
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@crazydoglady: I definitely get that. My daughter was at a home daycare from 12 weeks to when she entered VPK at 4.5 yrs. It was a wonderful, but delicate relationship at times. I didn't experience the same issues you did, but it was much harder to just bring up issues than if you were talking to a center director or something like that. Since you're newer though, you are at just the right time to set the tone for your relationship with her and her relationship with your son. It does really seem like she means well - but the extra (unhelpful) information coming so quickly is not a solution. Kids need time, lots of time, and different suggestions each week is definitely not enough time to see how things go or if new strategies are working. Do you do dropoff - and do you think she'll just change to talking to you about these things in the morning vs. afternoon if that's when you're there? Maybe your DH can bring this up gently if he's doing pickup? Or maybe you can request a log/notes system on certain skills or areas of concern so you can actually track his progress or see how his days go beyond her quick verbal summary?
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As a mom, who's son also has a speech delay and as a teacher...I'm really really mad for you. Yes, vocabulary explosions happen. Yes, the explosions cause behavior to go a little cray. No, it is not okay to be so yucky about it.
I know how difficult finding good childcare is BUT you have to do whatever you feel is right. If it makes you feel any better, I once had DS in a daycare for 3 days before I pulled him because it was just not for us.
Good luck mama!
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@lindseykaye: @bubblegum: So, I talked to daycare this morning at drop-off and basically said that our SLP is not concerned with anything in terms of cognition, behavior, or memory for a 2.75 with severe speech delay. They are working on activating his speech memory because that is a part of receptive language. Our DCP said she was so relieved because they love having DS and that he is a "delight" (which has not always been the case at other daycares.) So, I basically said that our SLP will let us know if she thinks he needs to be additionally evaluated but that, in the meantime, we should just focus on the progress he is making because its been GREAT. We left the conversation all smiles so I think the thing is really having her filter what she tells me because I really don't need another evening of uncontrollable crying (emotional pregnant lady here who has been dealing with daycare stress for the past year.)
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@crazydoglady: that sounds like a positive step! Fingers crossed that she calms down a little and can focus on the delight and not on the amateur diagnosing!! Good job by you for advocating for you and DS!
when does your school year end and are you thinking of decreasing his preschool hours in the summer?
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