Hellobee Boards

@winter_wonder: I'm sorry that you and your SO disagree on what to do but he does have a point if your only issue is MF, as I learned this can be very hard for them to cope with and the instinct is to ignore it

I struggled with the same thing in the beginning and I explained to my SO that I need the support of a couple of close friends and that I wanted my mom to know so that she could manage comments. In the end we agreed that all we would say on the subject is that we were having some difficulties, that we were seeing a doctor, that we would reach out if we needed anything and would share once we had good news.

If I were your pregnant or new mom friend, I would definitely want to know. It wouldn't be about a pity party at all, I would just feel awful for not being as sensitive as I possibly could given the circumstances.

Perhaps you and your SO could compromise and just tell some very close people about the if, and that you prefer to not get into the details but just want them to know since it can cause you to get a bit emotional sometimes, and it's hard right now when people ask about you having kids, etc.

We personally only told two people: my boss because I needed an adjusted work schedule and his HR person for health benefits/stipend. I think it's important to both agree on who you will tell. I agree with an earlier post about framing it as wanting support. That's important too.

@winter_wonder: Feel free to stop over to the weekly IF Check in thread, lots of great ladies there all going through IF http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/if-check-in-65#post-1682656

@winter_wonder: So we started being vocal about our IF about 2 years nows. (Came out April 2013.) At the time, we didn't have any definite reasons for our IF, but with DH's health, we both thought that maybe it was a male factor. Although, we had a lot of IUIs and they were unsucessful. It wasn't until it was IF awareness week about 2 years ago that I wanted to come out. I wanted to post something to our friends. I wanted them to know our struggle and hope that they would be supportive. Coming from my DH, I understood that he felt like a failure and he was really hard on himself about 'failing at the one job he is suppose to do in TTC.' I tried to remind him that it could very well me a female IF factor. But those thoughts still entered his head. Until we found an answer, he would always have those thoughts. So I gradually mentioned it to him that I wanted to post something on facebook. But very limited. The first FB post was to my female friends. I thought they would understand. Also, at that time, I could not imagine my old coworker (a guy) knowing about our intimate issues. I found it weird. [This year for IF awareness week, I posted a similar post but this time I posted it to everyone (guys, too). Once again, I was surprised by all the support.]

So I talked to my DH about it and he was hesitant-- just like I was. His family knows of his health condition and didn't want them to look at him differently. It was hard putting himself out there when (at the time), we mostly thought it was him. [Turns out, it was me. I was diagnosed finally 2 months ago with mild PCOS and DOR.)

Anyway, my advice would be to talk to your DH and see how he really feels about IF. For our guys, they take IF differently. It could be as hard or harder for them because they aren't social butterflies and they don't have Hellobee. I've been on HB for 2 years now and I've definitely opened up and found courage in admitting our IF publicly. My DH and I are very private people, but when it comes to IF, we are fairly open. I still tell him when I post IF related things to give him a heads up. Because if someone didn't see my last few posts, they could still get curious and ask him about our trouble.

Maybe ask him if you can share to only certain people and ask that they keep it a secret to respect your DH's wishes. I'm not sure if this is the reason, but I know early on, my DH would be afraid of the whispering or rumors being spread. Especially, if psychologically, he thought he was/is the blame. Luckily, when I came out, everyone was very supportive.

There is an IF book that he could read "What to expect when she is NOT pregnant.' It could give support to your DH. I got the book for my DH and he found the book funny. I don't see my DH coming here to this site but I was giving him options on getting different kinds of support.

Anyway, I'm hear for you if you want to talk about it.

@winter_wonder: I have a constant struggle with who to tell about IF and upcoming IVF. I think it is more normal for girls to talk openly with other girls about issues where guys don't. Making babies is never a topic of conversation between my husband and his friends so pretty much everyone who knows is close to me.

I don't want my infertility to be common knowledge to any person but I also appreciate the prayers from the supportive people in my life.

I have PCOS and anovulary cycles, I took clomid for the first time this month and I told DH that I would be excited if it worked because then i would feel like less of a failure. He immediately said it's not about being a failure, and i asked him if he would feel that way if it were MF infertility and he said:

"No I wouldn't, I would think that a small part of me has a medical condition through zero fault of my own that I will work to get fixed. Work to fix it with my other attributes and gifts, like being able to have a great job with insurance to address issues, or to make money to pay for treatments if I need to. Or dedication and drive to research the issue and find out what I can do to change it. Having resolve to try hard at it even if it is difficult."

That really made me feel better and less like it's a failure issue... really, you wouldn't call having cancer a failure, and infertility is a medical issue too.

Hopefully your DH can help to get the support he needs too.

I'm sorry your parent's didn't give you the support you were looking for. As we all know, it's hard for people who don't have any experience in the situation to know how to react in a caring way without saying unintentionally painful things. Maybe with some time to process the news they'll get better

@LindsayInNY: Well, I guess I'm a '21st century Catholic', too!

@bluestriped bee: Or maybe it's "Progressive Catholic"? "New Age Catholic"? "Modern Catholic"? Haha, who knows! Either way, even as traditional as she is, the bible doesn't seem to "prohibit" all forms of reproductive assistance. Sounds like she needs to educate herself! And I dare her to confront DH or I about it...