First of all, please, no judgement and please be kind.

I have posted previously (refer to http://boards.hellobee.com/topic/friendship-honest-or-fade-away if interested).

I have (had) a very good mom friend since DSes' birth. We did almost everything together for the first 5 years of our boys' lives.

Until earlier this year, I felt that we have grown apart. Our DSs (both 6 yo boys) goes to different schools and have different friends, activities. My friend has found a new friend that has basically replaced me, and a new social circle. We used to spend 80% of time with our kids together, until February to early June we only saw each other once every 1-2 months. Between February to early June, I was ditched or stood up by her 50% of the time, and for the handful of times we saw each other, we were mostly only doing what she wanted to do. I felt distasteful and hurt about this, and felt the friendship has run its course and wanted to move on.

Then my mom got sick in May, and she passed away last month. I was away for most of the summer to tend to these matters. I am an only child. My dad passed away years ago, and she was my only parent left. I was reading what @MrBee: wrote about his mother's death ( http://www.hellobee.com/2017/09/11/my-final-parent/ ), and how it was the loneliest feeling. I can not identify to it more. This level of loneliness is incomprehensible. Even though now I have my own little family DS and DH, I felt like I am the only person left in the world.

Since I came back, I became even more bitter and resentful to my friend. She reached out to me for little things like dinner, or seeing her new puppy and what not, which I turned her down. DH guilted me into answering her text, and we did go out to dinner 2 weeks ago. I thought I'd at least be able to be cordial and pretend nothing happened. But no.... I was cold, mean, I wasn't engaging in any conversations, I wasn't even giving her eye contact. I felt very bad afterwards. I didn't reach out to apologize, she also didn't reach out to me. I thought for sure this will end our friendship. I was sad but I was glad.

Then just now, she texted me again and said she'd like to go to apple picking with us. ....?

I've been trying to understand what exactly is wrong with me. I am not doing well at all mentally. I am wondering if subconsciously I can not handle both my mom and my friend left / was leaving me, and that's why subconsciously I am trying so desperately to start fresh and to leave her first. Or maybe I am scared to continue to be friends with her, because at this moment, I can not handle being stood up. It will break me (as if I am not already broken).

I wanted to say OK let's go apple picking, but then I am a little afraid I'd behave as poorly as I did at dinner 2 weeks ago. No one deserved to be treated like that. Or like I said, I am really afraid we'll set a date, and she just change on me / didn't show up last minute because "something came up". I am afraid to be "left".

I feel that maybe I should tell her politely to leave me alone for a few months at least. I have once texted her that I needed some time, but she didn't seem to get it (or she thinks 2 weeks is time). I don't know how else to communicate that I need to be left alone (for a long time) in order that we can still remotely be friends, or even acquaintances, in the future.

That was the story. Please be kind and please (try to) withhold your judgement. What would you suggest I should do?