I feel like I've had a few in-law posts lately, but it's just something thats been an issue for me recently. My in-laws are wonderful people, and I'm really pretty lucky honestly....
But, I'm finding myself having a hard time with the idea of leaving LO with them. And I have no idea why. It just makes me uneasy and it bothers me to the point where I get mad thinking about it. I know it's unfair, and it stupid, and unreasonable, but I can't help how I feel. We left her with them for 2 1/2 hours once so far, and I hated it. I'm afraid I'm having some resentment towards my MIL because as I've explained in other posts, she has made a competition between the grandmas, and has put me in the middle, and made me feel like I couldn't be honest with her without her making it into a big deal. I don't feel comfortable calling her to check on LO without her turning it into me "not trusting her to babysit" (that was actually said because my mom babysat first when I came to work). It's not about trust, it's about comfort. I'm not comfortable instructing her on how I want things done. How do I get over this??? It's mostly small stuff, but it makes problems for us at home that I don't want to start. Like they hold her all. the. time. They get her up when she's napping to hold. We really try to put her in her crib for naps, and let her rest. I don't want to have a baby that will only sleep when being held. And when they hold her, they treat her like a toy. Like, FIL will hold her for 5 min, decide hes done, pass her to MIL, then decide 10 min later he wants to hold her again. Poor thing gets no rest! The one time they did watch her for me, MIL didn't feed her when she was supposed to, and didn't lay her down for her nap like I told her to so she only "catnapped" for a few minutes in her arms. It left me taking home a mad, hungry, sleepy baby for the evening. I don't mean to sound like I'm in-law bashing. They are good people. And I'm not trying to deprive them of their grandchild. I just need to know how to let go of control, and become more comfortable with them watching her. They are going to have her 2 days a week, from 3-10. How do I become more confident in voicing how I want things done? And how do I do it gracefully? I'm really struggling with a establishing a happy middle ground...
GOLD / squash / 13464 posts
Honestly it sounds to me like in your situation it would be better to just pay for child care. You will never be comfortable with someone watching your baby if they won't follow your rules. And it sounds like your in laws will never follow your rules and even if they do it will take a big family fight to get them to do it.
GOLD / pineapple / 12662 posts
If you can't even call to check up on your LO without offending your MIL . . . *oy.* That's a toughie. And it's not stupid or unreasonable . . . your instructions should be respected and followed to the best of your IL's abilities. I understand that they are good people, but that doesn't automatically make them good caretakers. And this is so not a one-way street . . . while you might need to loosen up a tad (although I don't think you are asking for anything unreasonable!), your ILs need to be working toward establishing trust with you regarding their responsibilities. There can be no finding a middle ground when you are the only party doing all the moving.
p.s. This may need to be a conversation that your DH initiates, but it sounds like it needs to happen sooner rather than later.
pomegranate / 3503 posts
Can you have your husband talk to your mil about your concerns? Luckily, my mil doesn't get offended when I give her instructions regarding the care of our kids but I do need to repeat it a million times before she actually follows it. I also typed up LOs schedule in as much detail as possible describing LOs typical day. I just felt like it helps to have something in writing.
GOLD / wonderful grape / 20289 posts
For me it helped to like you said, just let go. If they're not harming my child than its ok. Not the ideal situation, but that's life. However, I consider not feeding my lo harming her. I would have my dh talk to her. And write everything down so she can't say you never said something.
bananas / 9227 posts
@jennylynn: I'd like to commend you on your patience. You are handling it far better than I would. Is DH on the same page as you? I ask because often times when my MIL comments, my husband isn't bothered by it. If so, then it might be best to just have a heart to heart talk with your MIL. Tell her how you feel and that you don't want to hurt her feelings but her defensiveness is making you uneasy. You've established a routine with your LO and it's not right to make you feel like the bad guy when you expect your wishes (as a parent) to be honored. Explain to her what happened last time when she missed her feeding, what you had to deal with when you got home.
Then ask again to please stick by her routine. Then give her a WRITTEN sheet with your LO schedule.
I hope she understands.
squash / 13764 posts
What is your DH's role in the situation? I would try having him talk to her, and explain that those are the rules for EVERYONE not just for her, so she doesn't feel like you're singling her out. Also, maybe make her feel like she's playing an important role in LO's development...she's going to be watching her with some regularity, it's not like it's a once a month thing. Because of that, her actions are going to enormously affect LO--she might just be in a mindset that she's just watching LO once in a while and so it won't matter if she "spoils" her or doesn't stick to the routine.
pomegranate / 3414 posts
Do you ask your mother to do the same things (nap in crib, feed according to a specific schedule) and if so, is she doing them? Since you MIL wants to make it a competition, could you bring up that the rules you've given her are the same ones you've given your mother and that she follows them (if true) and ask her to respect your wishes the same. I would also suggest that you and DH need to be on the same page and talk with her together, this shouldn't be presented/seen as a division between the two of you.
DH and I are going through a similar thing with my parents because they tend to be "no rules" when LO is with them but we want them to follow the rules we've worked to establish (e.g. LO eats her dinner and not two bites then be done and snack all day). We actually had to have the "you raised me the way you wanted so please respect the way I want my child raised" discussion.