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@Silva: "but there are days where I just have to walk away and shut the door and take some of my own deep breaths."
whatever you choose, THIS.
Parenting is hard. Be good to yourself.

ETA at this moment my son is screaming because he would like chips for breakfast. I think the holiday did some damage..

@Jackiedavis87: The responses in this thread have demonstrated remarkable restraint, with the focus being on the action and not the person. This community is overwhelmingly supportive, but there are limits to that as well. Frankly, I can't believe the post is still up. In my opinion, it advocates violence toward children.

@mrbee: A discussion about spanking is valid, but the post to which I am referring, @Oxana:'s, crosses the line. I find it hard to believe that 70-90% of parents spank their child until the child submits/ until they hear changes in their cries, etc.

@pwnstar: I agree. I feel like I can handle most conversations about spanking, although it's not something I agree with. That post made me feel ill and its been difficult for me to stop thinking about it.

@pwnstar: I agree with you. I don't spank and don't agree with it but I've read plenty of comments on here from parents who do spank that I've just chalked up to a different parenting style than mine so to each their own. But reading that one made me sick to my stomach. It's basically a tutorial on how to make your toddler submit to you.

@lawbee11: I don't agree with spanking or the post about spanking, but I do think my toddler should "submit", though I call it "listening to mommy/daddy". In our household, that method is timeout. We tell LO (2.5) something "don't open the oven, it's hot!" And if he does, he goes to timeout. Generally 15-30 seconds is enough to get the point across (and timeout is in his room with the baby gate shut but the door open). I've struggled with how strict to be with making my toddler "submit", because not all situations are as unsafe as him trying to open the oven, but at the end of the day, I've come down on the side of, if I say something, my child should obey. And again, I don't condone spanking, I wasn't raised that way and don't want to raise my LO that way, but I do think my LO should listen when I tell him something.

I'm anti spanking and did feel the post in question was a little hard to read, but taking the post down doesn't mean it's not happening. It doesn't protect the kid, educate the parent, or further the conversation (spanking vs not spanking). Taking the post down may make us more comfortable, but we're all adults. If leaving it up can change even one parent's idea or method of spanking then it's worth our discomfort.
@Oxana teaching your child to submit will lead to horrible self esteem and loss of self confidence as an adult. She will be more likely to enter abusive relationships and/or be an abuser herself. Loss of autonomy could lead to substance abuse issues later and lack of self esteem may lead her to follow the crowd in dangerous situations, ie drug use/alcohol abuse as a teenager. Perhaps that isn't enough to dissuade you. But you're on a parenting site so presumably you love your child. Just think if the damage you're doing to your relationship with her when her number one solace, protector and role model is hurting her. Looking at her with anger and actually causing her pain. Please rethink your disciplining. Read a book it take a class if you know no other way.

Lots of good advice here. Hang in there! It's a fun, yet challenging time. I work with children of all ages and am surprised at how someone so little can really push your buttons.

I won't go enter the spanking discussion. No one's mind is ever changed through an online "discussion." But to address the question of @oxana: -- sure, you can call your toddler a little bitch anywhere you want....the real question is whether you should do so in an online, public forum. Here's my answer for you --no, you should not.

@Golden: Taking down the post sends a clear message that we will not provide a platform to those who are, essentially, outlining/providing a plan for physical abuse. Generally speaking, I am all for an open exchange of ideas. In this case, however, the post is disturbing in how calculated and, to use the poster's own word, "barbaric" it is. There is nothing to be learned from the post.

Personally, I am of the mindset that hitting is never ok. I don't feel that I can reasonably teach my son not to hit or I'll hit him. I also don't want to be the kind of parent that uses the threat of physical violence to get good behavior. That borders on abusive to me. And what @Oxana: posted frankly made me pretty sick to my stomach.

With that said, sometimes as parents we do things that we regret. Who hasn't yelled and then felt bad? That doesn't mean that the next time she acts out you can't react in a different way.

My son just turned two, and there are definitely times when he's tantruming for something unreasonable. He went through a phase where every morning after breakfast he ran into the living room and begged for Frozen. Then when he didn't get it, he had a massive tantrum. I wish that yelling or telling him to stop would help, but it doesn't. He has a sensitive personality (like Mr. Bee mentioned with Charlie). It sounds sooo touchy feely and silly, but when he tantrums I bring him to a safe place and I sit near him. When he stops crying I offer him a hug. I also try to empathize with him and tell him I know he wants to watch Elsa, but we can't because we have to go to school/work.

I don't always achieve it, but my goal as a parent is to be calm and empathetic and enforce boundaries. Sometimes my boundaries (aka no tv in the morning or having to get dressed) make him upset. Sometimes he has to work it out of his system, sometimes I can redirect him with something he likes to do, like feed the dog.

@ShootingStar: That's my thought too - how can I tell my LOs that hitting is wrong, if I turn around and hit them? It sends a very mixed message and it just doesn't sit right with me. There are times when it takes all that is in me not to hit my child when nothing else is working, but I won't, because I'm an adult and I need to maintain control of my emotions, whereas my children are toddlers and do not have said ability. And whilst I agree with the idea of never hitting a child in anger, the thought of hitting my child after the fact, in a deliberate and calm manner, sits even worse with me.

@PrincessBaby: Just want to say, well said. I'm Latin and from southern Louisiana, so spanking is definitely in both of my cultures. It's not always a yes or no answer. Good luck, mama!

I feel like i'm just repeating what others have said, but Janet Lansbury's No Bad Kids has helped me immensely. I have it on my iphone so just reading 5 minutes a day reminds me that i have a three year old who needs her parents to guide and discipline her - and that we have to be in control of our emotions (or at least show it) when they are just so crazy and out of control. I find that by remaining "unruffled", it de-escalates the tantrum pretty quickly.

I don't do time outs (i tried a few times, and it made things worse), and from what i've read on the boards, it seems as if their effectiveness wears off as they get older. But in the case where she is throwing a tantrum, i personally wouldn't put her in a time out. But if she is throwing a tantrum because her show is over (despite all of my warnings) then i tell her that she doesn't get any tv the next day because she isn't showing me that she can watch her show without getting upset.

Regarding her asking for candy - does she get it often? I find that when LO gets things whenever she wants, she comes to expect it. So if for a couple of days she gets to watch tv for as long as she wants and we aren't mindful about limiting it, she gets really upset when we suddenly tell her no or limit it to 1 show. Consistently setting expectations have helped curb tantrums, for sure.

I noticed that as soon as DD (3.75) starts throwing a tantrum and i walk away, she will ask me for a hug (through tears). I realize that it's her way of saying that she is out of control and needs to feel like i still love her.

Sorry for the novel. As you can see, a lot of us have or are dealing with the terrific threes! It makes it so much harder when there is a new LO as well. I know a lot of her tantrums are triggered by some jealousy towards her little brother. I yell at her a lot, and i sometimes feel like it's the same as hitting her because she is such a sensitive/emotional kid. I feel guilty a lot but i try to apologize when i feel like i've overstepped and reassure her how much i love her.

I'm from the South and don't spank.

With regard to whether time will tell:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/beyond-abstinence/201411/will-you-spank-your-kid-after-reading

@Jackiedavis87: sorry but I make zero apologies for not agreeing with hitting s child approximately 10 times every time they get worked up (which is multiple times a day in my house.) not that age matters, but her daughter is a baby still not even two! I will not condone or pretend to condone behavior that I could be arrested for if done to a person over the age of 18. Just because it's legal in the U.S. Doesn't mean it's right.

And just because some people say they weren't negatively impacted by being spanked still doesn't make it okay!!! When we know better, we do better!!!

Why do we have to judge mommas? Everyone is different because it doesn't work for you or you aren't ok with it fine but do not judge anyone else for finding out what works for them.

@princessbaby: we're in the trenches with you. Good luck

@jetsa: because saying you lower your voice and spank your two year 10 times in a row, making sure it hurts, is messed up. It can work, but that doesn't make it right.

@PrincessBaby: I'm glad that the violence you endured didn't seem to have a negative impact on you. For what it's worth, the kind of "discipline" you are describing (using objects to hit, leaving visible marks) is objectively considered physical child abuse in my state. And both what you and Oxana described would require a mandated reporter to call CPS (I'm a mandated reporter, as is my husband). I understand that this is a cultural shift,and that until recently spanking was considered the norm, but that is the objective stance, at least where I live.

And, for all to consider, it's not really our job as parents to stop our children from having powerful feelings. It's our job to teach them how to manage those feelings, and to improve self control.
It is unreasonable and goes against the development of a child to expect a 3 year old to not test boundaries, or become overwhelmed by her emotions.

@jetsa: if someone chooses to beat their child with the intention of causing physical harm and fear I will judge them all day long and I will not feel badly about it for one second. That child deserves a safer environment. Are we also not supposed to judge if a mother starves her child? There are circumstances were judgment is called for. Parenthood is not a free pass to act inappropriately.

@PrincessBaby: I don't have a threenager, so I won't really go into a whole lot of advice, but I did use to nanny kids between the ages of 18 months and 7 years old and know that 3-4 season is rough. A lot of moms who sailed through the 3's told me their 4's were RIDICULOUS (they are bigger, they are louder, they are more articulate), so perhaps you are getting the tough times out of the way early!

So things that helped me as a nanny were:

1. Try really hard not to let your own anxiety/panic spark. Stress feeds stress, so if your kid is having a complete blackout meltdown and you are starting to hit that anxiety wall, its probably best to try and separate yourselves from each other. Like others have said, maybe a safe place where she can flip out, or even just some earplugs or earbuds with music for you while you do what you need to get done.

2. Find times when you can try to teach coping mechanisms - like that split second before they completely derail or after the tantrum is over. A lot of times I could try to grab the toddler before the meltdown really got started and say something like "Woah, woah, woah buddy!! Can we stop for a second and take 3 big, long breaths first?" Do some exaggerated funny deep breaths hopefully to get them to laugh. Once we were done breathing, I would say "Okay! Was that so bad? Was that really that big of a deal?"

3. After #2, it would be about a quick distraction into something totally unrelated to the tantrum. If my meltdown (or impending meltdown) was related to off limits food, I could gasp really loud and be like "OH MY GOODNESS!? Do you know what I forgot!??! I forgot to put the clothes in the washer - we are going to be super stinky people!!! Can you help me!? QUICK!!!" and bolt to the hamper upstairs, run back downstairs to the washer, and have him help me throw clothes into the washer as soon as possible. "WHEW!! JUST IN THE NICK OF TIME!!" Then I could collapse on the couch with an allowed snack and say "oh my goodness, I am out of ENERGY, can you help me recharge my batteries with these POWER RAISINS!?" And then act like I'm being recharged each time I eat a raisin. Usually the kid will follow along and some sanity is regained.

4. Dead in the middle of a tantrum (hopefully you are in a zen state while this is happening), you have to kind of figure out what kind of kid you are dealing with. Some kids want the parent to hold them while they are flipping out. Some don't want to be touched at all. Some need verbal affirmation while its happening - they're freaking out, but you say "No is no. But I love you. I know this is hard. Mama is right here, okay?" Some really just need to be alone to get it out. Some need physical exertion like flailing. I think the important part is just to figure out what their emotional needs are IN the storm and try to provide that - and its different for every kid I've ever nannied for. One kid just needed you to rock her in a chair while she screamed for 45 minutes. One kid could always sorta snap out of it with food, so I would sit down with a snack for myself and eat it in front of them and as they came by for a bite every few seconds they would calm down. One kid the thing was books - I could sit and pretend to read and start laughing at the book and they would be like "what are you reading?" A little boy was always curious about the noises that came from my phone while I played a game in front of him, so he would want to check that out.

I think you're doing the best you can and this is all new for both of you so you just gotta figure out what your kid needs in terms of support and discipline and you'll ride it out. There is no magic answer, but I think like others have said, understanding the psychology of why kids act this way will help with YOUR sanity.

Good luck you can do it!