My best friend (known her for 25+ years, we were maid of honor in each other's weddings, roommates, ect.) is struggling with infertility. It took over a year to conceive her first and now they are coming up on 2 years trying to conceive her second. All tests are coming back normal and she's getting really down on herself. What is the best way I can support her, i figured you ladies know better than anyone. I listen to her vent and am her shoulder to cry on, I send her "just because I care" cards in the mail with fun little things, but I wish there was more I could do.
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@LuLu Mom: Honestly, there may not be much else you can do. You are already doing a great job supporting her! Could you maybe suggest some resources like Hellobee to her, there are a great group of IF ladies here who could commisserate and share info. Is she seeing an RE or just an OB?
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@mrswin: Thank you, I was afraid of this answer, I was just hoping there was something I missed.
She does see an RE who referred her to a different OB as well. She's in a VERY small community so her resources are very limited with not a lot of options without traveling 3+ hours.
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@LuLu Mom: Ahh that's tough. Maybe you can offer to watch her first one day so that they can travel to see someone else or pursue some kind of treatment.
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@mrswin: If I wasn't 3 1/2 hours away I would
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This is related to grief, but I think IF carries a sort of taboo, unspoken kind of grief. I think the best thing you can do is not try to "fix" things or try to cheer her up. Acknowledge that things suck when they do in fact suck, and be open to her so she has someone she can share her feelings with.
http://johnpavlovitz.com/2015/08/20/of-tears-and-terrible-sounds-when-life-is-too-painful-for-words/
Namely... "I sit suffering in solidarity with you, here in the absolute wrongness of it all.
I don’t come with easy, lazy platitudes about the greater plan or the silver lining or the valuable lessons of all of this hell you are now enduring. Those are things that only time can show you anyway.
Right now, at the core of it all is this simple truth: I so love you and I so hate this for you."
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@MaryM: I love that.
Don't push for updates, try to commiserate, or compare her to yourself or others... but quietly and supportively be there for her when she needs to vent. Let her know you're there just listen if she needs it.
ETA: it sounds like you're already being an amazing, thoughtful friend. She's lucky to have you
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@MaryM: Love that, both as someone whose been through losses, and a support person for a loved one with IF.
I agree with the above, it sounds like you're doing great already. Being present, not trying to fix it or offer platitudes, just letting her know you care and she's not alone, is really all you can do. Beyond that, you might try asking her. Like does she want you to check in when you know AF is due, or just let her tell you when she wants to, that sort of thing.
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