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Do you know what the timing going to be like? I can't say that I've ever helped plan a baby shower...and everyone is different...but I've found attending baby showers pretty hard for the last year or so... I hope that you can help plan, if you want to...but if the actual shower were going to fall deep in the middle of your IVF proceedings, that might be more of a challenge than I would be able to handle...unfortunately. I think it's good that you're trying to feel this one out beforehand. Hope you can find a good compromise!

I didn't really help plan her shower, but my BFF's baby shower was the day before my first ER. It wasn't too hard to be there, because I was hopeful that I would be successful with my IVF cycle in the next couple weeks. If it fell around my beta time I think I would have had a harder time with it, because I was not successful.

@bluestriped bee: it is a hard one and I certainly don't have the answer but maybe focus on preparation that you can pick up and put down when you feel like it such as making stuff. Then you can do it on days you feel positive and hide it away on bad days. I would also have a get out plan for the actual day so that if you can't handle it people think you are leaving for some other reason rather than IF emotions.

It is definitely possible. A friend and I planned and threw my sister's baby shower. At the time, we had been TTC for 2.5 yrs with several failed IUIs and a miscarriage and I was on a round of Clomid. BUT, I was truly happy that my sister was getting babies (she adopted twins!) and it never crossed my mind that my feelings might be hurt/I might be jealous/I would be anything but over-the-moon happy for her. She knew what I was going through because she had been there herself. No drama necessary.

Is this baby going to be your first niece or nephew? Even though it may be hard helping out I wonder if you'll regret not doing it in the future.

I think so, but I think I'm a fairly detached person when things don't directly effect me. Yes, it's hard when everyone around me seems to be getting pregnant on their first try or oops or what have you, but ultimately that has no effect on my body, my path, my struggles. Everyone elses ability to get pregnant or not, has no bearing on my fertility. If it was too hard though, I'd have no problem stepping away from it either and being a little selffish if that's what I needed. I think your sister or anyone would understand and know that it's not a reflection of how you feel for their situation.

I offered to throw one while going through IF but it turned out the person was planning not to have one. Have you and your sister split up the tasks? It might help to take on tasks that don't necessarily involve directly baby-related things that might feel too triggering for you. And if there's something you've always envisioned for your own shower or baby, don't give the idea away!

But as hard as it is, try to tell yourself that this is someone else's baby to welcome and not representative of a baby you haven't had. Your baby is still to come and will get his or her own special day!

@bluestriped bee: I have probably thrown/planned 4-5 baby showers since I've been dealing with infertility. (all my best friends and hyper fertile...) Honestly, when it came to infertility and finding out friends/family were pregnant and came to celebrating them I just had to go with the "fake it till you make it". Eventually it didn't hurt anymore and I was happy for them. I am pretty good at compartmentalizing my feelings though. I just had to keep reminding myself that they deserved all this love and happiness and someday it would be for me.

I helped throw a shower right after I miscarried. It sucked, but for the most part was ok. There was a point that I did break though. It was coed, and my husband went into a room with the guys to watch football. I guess I just wanted him by my side for support, and couldn't tell him during, so I got pretty upset.

Do what you can, if it's awful for you try to find a way out.

I have hosted 2 (well I'll be hosting my 2nd this month), and attended many since going through infertility.

I hosted one for my friend in January of 2013 (1.5 years into infertility), and I am hosting one with two of my other friends for our friend on 09/20 (during my second IVF cycle - probably having ER and ET that same week). I am not going to lie, it's not a lot of fun, but I got through the first one, and I am getting through this one. It's not that I am not happy for my friends, but you know how it is.

This second one is a lot easier for me because three of us are hosting together. The first one I did completely on my own which was harder. I was also having a much harder time accepting my infertility at that point so it was really hard for me.

When I go to showers, so far I have fortunately been able to kind of block out my emotions about my own infertility while I am there. I don't know how I do it, but I just do. You'll get through it! Hugs!

I planned my sisters while we were going through fertility treatments. I think the actual date was right after I decided that we had enough failures and that I wasn't going to continue with treatments and move towards adoption. It was tough I and was upset and angry but I was able to keep it together for her. I was truly happy for her but it was her third child and I was jealous. I really had to keep my jealousy on the back burner and kept telling myself someday it would be my turn.

@bluestriped bee: Do you think you could be involved in the planning now - but maybe try to share with your sister that depending on how things go for you and your IVF cycle, you may not be able to attend the shower? It's a hard balance for sure, but while everyone is focusing on the baby - you need to make sure you focus on you Infertility may feel a bit selfish at times - but I think it's the only way to get through it. Everyone has different family dynamics though. I took the approach of shutting everyone out until I was ready to let them back in. I had to take care of me - because I was feeling so out of control and I had no idea how else to get through it.

I hosted one at my home for my cousin's wife. It was difficult, but no one else was throwing one and I thought it was necessary that she have one. I focused a lot on the food and tried not to dwell on her pregnancy and my sadness. It was hard, but I made it. I kept it as simple as possible though for my sanity. It's hard to think of others and yourself, but you absolutely have to.