This article was included in the weekly link round up Mrs.Bee posted.
The topic is one that has come up for me a lot lately. We have 2 embryos left but will probably only have one more child. While I know that it may take more than one FET to be successful I still worry about what we would do if we had any left over.
pomegranate / 3809 posts
I only wish I could have this problem.
Fortunately or unfortunately, I pretty sure I'll never be able to create more good embryos that children I'd be willing to have. We have 3 frozen, 2 we know are normal, which took me 5 cycles to get. We've always said 2 or 3 kids is good, but would use up embryos up to a 4th if we had the embryos to use.
kiwi / 702 posts
@Mrswin My husband and agreed if we have any left over embryos when we're done having kids that we will donate them to science. We are so thankful for the scientific advancements that have enabled us to have a family we'd like to give back. We're also open to donating them to families who want to adopt embryos but I'm a little once the fence about that option (probably because we're not done having our own yet). The choice is very personal though so go with what feels good to you and definitely wait until you're done having kids to decide for real. We wrote everything into our will just in case. I would recommend that because your family won't even think about your embryos I imagine. Sorry to bring up a scary/dark topic--my family is full of lawyers including DH and my dad so wills are a common topic.
pomegranate / 3973 posts
No personal experience, but my boss and his wife had to deal with this, he couldn't bring himself to just get rid of them, so they now have 7 children(!).
pomelo / 5866 posts
@josina: !!!
(I wouldn't be able to either!)
A friend of mine had ivf several times. She had her second and last ivf child on with the last of her embryos so she doesn't have to worry about that anymore.
pomegranate / 3895 posts
One of my good friends went through this. Unfortunately all of her remaining embryos did not survive thawing (it was devastating) when she went to have her second transfer, but she planned to do a compassionate transfer with any remaining embryos.
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21628 posts
My husband and I struggled with this before starting IVF. We decided we would use how many embryos we had, even if it meant having more children than we planned. I'm sure it would have been hard to commit to that if we actually had to follow through! We never had a successful pregnancy with our own embryos.
With our donor embryos we received 5. We have one child and one frozen embryo left. We decided not to have a backup donor when looking at profiles because we didn't want to have more embryos than we would want to use. I'm really hoping to have one more baby, but if not I think I'll be ok with just one child.
honeydew / 7463 posts
I doubt I'll ever have this problem, but I think I would use them all even if it was more children than I had envisioned for my family. I mean, within reason 
I wouldn't have 7 kids! But I didnt ever plan on more than two kids. I could see having 3-4 if I had the embryos for it. But again it's not likely. Because it's so unlikely for me, if it DID happen I'd feel like it was meant to be.
If I had way more (like 7) and they were all normal, I'd want to donate them to a couple that needs them.
hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts
Still undecided. I have 5 frozen.
I still don't know if we will have another.
I think I will hold onto them for at least another 2-3 years to give us time to decide.
After that point, we will most likely donate to research. DH isn't on board with donating them to another couple yet. I think maybe time might make him more open to it.
pomelo / 5573 posts
Not a situation I would ever have to deal with, because for my two IVFs I had two and one, but I would donate them to somebody trying to get pregnant. Going through infertility was so hard and I would love to be able to do something to ease somebody else's journey to a family.
nectarine / 2465 posts
With our first IVF round, we only had 1 embryo which resulted in DD. When we go for another round for #2, I honestly don't know what I will do! I only want 2 kids, but knowing what that embryo can bring now (my dd!), it will be really hard to donate them or destroy them. I would consider donating them to another couple, but that will be a really tough decision.
nectarine / 2433 posts
@LBee: I'm so sorry for your friend, everything about IF is so hard and feels so unfair at times. I have heard of compassionate transfers before. I have to look and see if this is an option at my clinic.
honeydew / 7622 posts
I don't envy people that have to make this decision. I think medical research would be my route.
clementine / 849 posts
This is tough. I only have one frozen but I think about it a lot. The first (fresh) embie resulted in my beautiful baby boy, so at this point I can't imagine not trying to get the second one to stick if it is viable after freezing. What if we get pregnant naturally before needing it?
nectarine / 2433 posts
@YogiRunner: Getting pregnant naturally knowing we have 2 frozen actually causes me huge anxiety!
@erinbaderin: I guess right now I feel like after everything we went through how could I give up my child??? I understand it's not that simple but I think because we have my DD it is harder for me to wrap my head around...
@bluestriped bee: This is where I struggle, my child could potentially have a sibling who is raised by another family...I really wish I could talk to someone who has made the decision to donate their embryo and the IP had a child from that..
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21628 posts
@mrswin: if you'd like to talk to a donor I could get you in touch with some. There's also a secret Facebook group for donors and those who might donate. There's no recipients allowed in the group. I'm in a group that's mostly recipients but some donors too.
pomegranate / 3764 posts
This makes me anxious. 
So we have 6 embryos frozen (at day 4 - for what it's worth) - and I know that realistically, all won't result in a pregnancy. I'd love a third at some point, if all goes well with this bub) and we agreed we would use our FET's but NO more fresh rounds.
If we are lucky enough to get a third out of this batch.... we're still torn between compassionate transfer or donation - either medical or full embryo donation. Ideally, I would keep using them myself ... but I know hubby would be DONE at three. Hard choices!
hostess / wonderful apple seed / 16729 posts
@mrswin: Yeah, that's what DH struggles with. Then we have to discuss if we want it to be open or closed... and how much communication.
nectarine / 2433 posts
@Mrs. Pickle: Thank you so much for the offer, I will wall you. I know your beautiful DD is the result of an embryo adoption and I think it is so fantastic that she is yours after such a long journey 
pomelo / 5573 posts
@mrswin: I can see that, but on the other hand (and again, I'm not in this position so I don't know what it's like) I feel like it's less your child and more the potential for a child? So once you've achieved the family you want (2 kids, 3 kids, etc) then that potential could go to somebody who can't even get that far.
Again, for me this is all academic and I might feel differently if I had to make the decision for myself. Somebody once offered me embryos, though, and it gave me so much hope that I would eventually get a child one way or another.
cantaloupe / 6687 posts
This was so hard for me and gave me so much anxiety and tears when going through the process of IVF. Our IVF doc is just wonderful and we had so many conversations and meetings where he prepared us as best he could. I cried a lot just thinking about what I was going to do with potential excess embryos.
We had to sign off on paperwork deciding what we would do with excess embryos before starting IVF. Our doc explained that too many couples could not decide and it left everyone in a terrible situation where embryos were basically abadonded bc people wouldn't affirmatively decide what to do with them and would stop communicating with the IVF clinic after a few years. So now people have to sign paperwork with directives about their embryos before starting IVF but everything can be changed and altered - nothing is set in stone bc they understand feelings can change down the road. I honestly can't even remember what we chose on paper - it was so hard for me - all I remember is DH was strongly for embryo adoption and I just didn't know what to do.
Despite whatever it was that we signed off on paper, DH and I decided we would just try to have as many as we could. But we knew that wouldn't be easy as I was already in my mid/late 30s and had already had 2 csections.
In the end we only ended up with 2 embryos suitable for transfer. The first was not successful and I'm currently 26 weeks pregnant with our last one.
I do not envy anyone having to make these decisions. It's so hard. There is absolutely no judgment from me bc just the thought process was heart wrenching for me. So much love to everyone struggling with this
persimmon / 1114 posts
like @sandy: our clinic made us sign off on paperwork before we even underwent Ivf. Unfortunately, we only had 2 options - donate to science or destroy. I would vastly prefer to donate for adoption, but that's not allowed (it may be a NJ thing since this was the policy at 4 different clinics I went to, I am not sure).
As of now, we have "checked" donate to science. In theory, I like the idea that they could still help future families grow. However, I have not been able to decide officially yet and am just paying the storage fee until I can make the official decision.
If dh did not have a say (and probably my doctors) I would love to just roll the dice and transfer my remaining 3 and see what happens.
honeydew / 7463 posts
@sandy: @bloved: That's so interesting that they made you choose before! That would feel like so much pressure to me.
We just had to sign a few things stating what we'd do in the event that one of us died, both of us died, and divorce.
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