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oh i feel you. our almost 3 year old has been going to the same daycare since he was 3 months old. every time he switches to a new room, it takes him MONTHS to adjust. he transitioned to the preschool room in may, and drop-off is still touch and go.
do the teachers tell you how long she stays upset?
here are some things that helped us, in case they give you any ideas, although i know every kid is so different!
1. initially we would walk in and really try to get him engaged with all the toys, books, other kids, etc. then we switched tracks and instead helped him find a quiet place to sit where he could have a little quiet/alone time before engaging with the class. he took to that much better, and definitely needs that time (he's an introvert).
2. when he finds a quiet place to sit each day, we give him a little handful of his favorite cereal (it's chocolate-flavored, so it's a treat). he's really damn attached to that cereal routine.
3. before we got to daycare we would talk to him about what was going to happen, and how he may feel, that was okay...we did that for a week or so, to be honest i'm not sure that it helped, but i hope he felt like we were validating his feelings. god i sound so new age-y.
i do know that feeling of "is there something wrong with my child?" and crying because i don't know if i did something wrong. lots of hugs, sweetie, drop-off is tough! (though it seems easier for everyone else than us)
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I have two thoughts: 1) It sounds to me like the school is handling this a little indelicately. Unless there is really a problem/disruption (and I don't think an episode of yelling "no" is particularly disruptive at age 3 unless there are other things going on), I don't see why she'd be taken to an office for an extended period of time. I'd ask why they chose to do that.
2) If this is afternoon preschool, is she still getting a nap? At least with my son (who's 5, so I've got several additional years of observations), the answer to nearly every behavioral problem is more sleep, and specifically naps. Cutting out naps or shortening them was (and still is) almost always a recipe for disaster. He's not a really high sleep needs child, either.
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@honeybear: yeah DH was concerned with the office thing as well. She does not nap and hasn't since 19 months!
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@edelweiss: thank you for the suggestions!
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@su9su9: I know, there are times I let it go but when I hear she is disturbing the class I over think it.
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@Bao: What is necessary? The psychologist? I doubt you need that (we needed it because of other things for W, but he helped us with the drop offs as well). But I think you just need to be consistent in your drop off, as heartbreaking as it is.
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@BabyBoecksMom: yeah...deep down I think there's something more going on because it's not just at school
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Do you think it's because she knows you're at home with her sister?
When DD was going through a really rough drop-off phase, it was because she knew i was at home. I worked from home and it would be these crazy tantrums of how she wanted to stay at home with me. Eventually i had to lie and tell her i had to go to the doctor's office. When she transitioned to her new preschool, i think it went well because we told her that DS was going to daycare. Any time she said she wanted to stay at home, i told her that everyone was going out and i didn't think she wanted to be at home alone.
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Our parent advisor suggested pulling her from school altogether, but I'm not ready for that extreme. I made an appointment with her doctor but it's not until January.
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Not sure if this would help, but my LO hates pajamas, so I dress her in tomorrow's outfit at bedtime. When we have church or something that is a little nicer we just change before leaving on the morning. She will be 3 in about 2 weeks and since it makes our lives easier, I don't mind that she doesn't want to wear jammies.
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@Bao: I'm not sure if this has been mentioned already, have you considered switching LO to the morning class? After Christmas might be a natural time to switch if that option exists.
I previously taught kindergarten when it was only half day and the children who came in the morning were ALWAYS happier, more willing to cooperate and generally seemed to have less meltdowns and tantrums than the afternoon class. By the afternoon the little ones are tired and cranky and ready for a nap! I've always kept that in mind when doing any kind of scheduling for DD: dentist appts, photos, playdates, etc. If I want her to be 'on' and in a good mood, I try to do it in the first part of the day.
Wishing you luck, its so hard to have a sad LO at drop off!
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@Autumnmama79: she doesn't usually wake up until 8:30/9:00....if I wake her up for anything she is a monster!
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@MaisyMay: A is the opposite! Only likes pajamas lol
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@Bao: You could always alter her sleep schedule though! She will need to be getting up earlier to go to pre-k or k in the next couple years anyways...
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@Bao: I'm sorry - I did not read all the replies as there was so many so this may be a duplicate. There is a little girl in K's daycare class (she's probably about 2.5) that has a rough time with drop off. I have noticed lately her mom has been leaving her with a comfort item (either her blanky from home or a stuffy) - maybe this would help your LO? If she has found comfort in her PJs - maybe an item would help too?
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@Bao: could you introduce some day clothes as new pajamas and transition her to those? Or, and this probably spina goofy, would you be able to get one of those me and dolly pajamas and she could hold on to the doll dress as a comfort item? I know that your daycare doesn't want Hewett to have a lovey with her, but if it stays in her cubby and she can visit our when needed, maybe that would work? Or have it in her jacket pocket?
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@Bao: what's a parent advisor? Is that someone associated with the school? I would be really bummed if the staff at my school was encouraging me to pull my child out rather than working with me to find solutions to help her be excited for school.
I think your gut instinct is right on to try to make it work. She'll need to go to school eventually and y'all won't have the option to pull her out so I think it's best to try to get her used to the routine. Has she ever actually verbalized what she doesn't like about school? I would try to talk to her about it as much as possible. I would also look into other schools as an alternative to just pulling her out since I know you've had a number of issues with this school in particular.
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@Bao: From what you've written--the keeping her in the office thing and the parent advisor's recommendation--I sense that the school is not really willing to work with you. That would make me uncomfortable.
Is this preschool attached to the elementary school where your daughter is eventually slated to go? I'd probably take her out because I don't think I'd be able to get past my lack of comfort with the way they seem to handle pretty standard preschooler behavior--defiance and homesickness are really normal at age 3!--but I guess if she's likely to go back to the same place in a few years, I'd try to leave on a conciliatory note.
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I've noticed that the part time kids at LO's daycare struggle more than the full time, so I wonder if this is part of it too? How long has she been going? Is it 3 days or 5 days?
Does she calm down after you leave? LO has been in ft daycare since 3.5m and goes through phases where he's more upset about me leaving and phases where he couldn't care less if I leave. We're in the midst of a tougher drop off phase and it really stinks. Some things that help are dropping him off at breakfast time so he goes in and immediately sits with friends for breakfast or having him do a job when he comes in. His teacher is AMAZING and does a great job of distracting him.
I think it sounds like the teacher(s) need to be more supportive. I'm sorry you guys are having a hard time with it
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Oh, man. I've been there and we still deal with it occasionally now, at 4. I don't know if this would help, but one small trick that helped us was to stop carrying him to his classroom. When we started having him walk into the school and to his classroom, it made drop off easier. I'm not sure why...? I've had a foster child, though, who would absolutely refuse to walk in, so I know it won't work for everyone : /.
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I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. It's different because she was a baby but LO struggled with daycare for the year that she went. Even when it improved and I knew she was mostly happy there, she still struggled at drop-off.
Part of it I do think was going part-time. For us, we didn't need full time daycare and didn't want to pay for it especially when she was a baby and still breastfeeding. But if she were older I would at least consider a full-day program or more days per week. It seems counter intuitive but especially for sensitive kids more time in the environment really does help from everyone I have talked to.
I agree with others that I would hope they'd work more closely with you to solve this problem. Is she newly 3 or an older 3? I feel like by 3 they are old enough to communicate with parents & caregivers about what is bothering them - and the school ideally would have experience with this and help guide you. Maybe looking for a new school is something to consider - could you ask around about schools that are particularly good at handling these situations?
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@Applesandbananas:'s suggestion of giving LO a job to do when she gets to school was hugely helpful when we had tough days. My husband usually drops off around breakfast and if the teacher lets our LO help hand out the plates or something then she could care less about my husband leaving.
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@Mrs D: @MaisyMay: I will try both of those things, thanks ladies
@Truth Bombs: she works for the state, she comes to our house monthly to work on development things (free program for anyone) but also works at the school. @honeybear: it is the same district, yes. It's really the only preschool in the area that we can afford, unfortunately. @daniellemybelle: she turned 3 in August! @Truth Bombs: I'm going to ask about that, thank you!
Thank you so so much everyone for the thoughtful responses, I've read through them all a few times and taking mental notes. A little overwhelmed right now but I'll make it through!
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@Bao: @honeybear: I wanted to gently suggest maybe not keeping her in school right now if it isn't necessary, so I am glad that advisor and honey mentioned it! That's probably my personal approach. If I was her, I would want to hang with you all day as well
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