Ugh. Yesterday, I was telling myself to try not to be disappointed if AF or if I get a BFN. Just so I won't be disappointed. Is this what it has come to?
New IF milestone. Ugh! 
I want to be positive but I just can't. If I'm too positive, the devastation will be so much worse.
We can't win sometimes.
Have you been shocked at some of the thoughts that enter your head?
wonderful clementine / 24134 posts
Im sorry. Its a real mind game thats for sure and you've been doing this for so long I know you know that. I'm following along with your story and am hoping for a miracle for you.
If AF or a BFN come, its ok to be sad. It would be fun and exciting if it was a miracle. But like you said, you have IVF coming really soon and you could be only another 30-35 days or so away from a BFP!
wonderful kiwi / 23653 posts
BIG HUGS 
It's just one of those days... And sometimes you may have many, many of those days. I hope that you can always find your silver lining to keep going and not loose hope. So many of us hope & pray for a BFP for you soon!!
blogger / wonderful cherry / 21628 posts
I know what you mean! My first IVF cycle I was so optimistic. I was crushed when it didn't work. Then the second time I was a little less positive and sad when it didn't work, but not devastated. This time if it works great, it not it's fine.
pomelo / 5628 posts
I always planned rewards for myself around AF time (usually alcohol...), but shopping could work too, or a massage! I never really assumed I'd ever get a BFP, I just really hoped I did. It's a very stressful state to commonly live in. I hope you don't have much longer!!
grapefruit / 4235 posts
@bluestriped bee: I'm sorry. I remember those days. I've been there. Hugs!
pear / 1986 posts
@bluestriped bee: I also planned rewards like @Mrs Green Grass because I figured I deserved it after all the stress. HUGS
persimmon / 1085 posts
I agree with everyone else. Treat yourself to something and pamper yourself!! It's just awful and if you need to cry and get it out, do it. I always felt a little better after a good cry and venting and letting it all out. And I tried to keep busy doing things I liked. But yeah, it just plain stinks! ((hugs))
GOLD / pomegranate / 3938 posts
@bluestriped bee: I'm so sorry, friend. Somehow each month's bfn's get easier for me. AF arriving is just "meh" now. I try to focus on all the great things in my life for which I otherwise have to be grateful. There's not much else I can do since being sad won't help anything. Treat yourself to something nice. You deserve it!
papaya / 10570 posts
It's a tough call, isn't it? Because if you're positive the fall is much harder when it's not your month. But if you're negative you feel crappy constantly. What's worse - agonising pain for a short period of time once a month or a dull ache continually?
The long and short of it is TTC is completely brutal and it's beyond unfair that you have had to endure it for so long with so many disappointments (I don't even know if that's an okay thing to say to you - but I mean it with love and I hope you take it that way). Wishing you all the 
and all the babydust in the world.
pomelo / 5000 posts
Even when I reall don't think I'm pregnant, I realize I had some unknown hope going b/c I'll feel disappointed when I start my period or see a BFP. It will always be there--the only thing that changes it how hard it hits.
kiwi / 636 posts
@bluestripedbee: I'll have hope for you! I'm excited for the day you get your BFP! In the mean time, maybe if we can each write down one or two things we would do to celebrate the start of a new opportunity to try. 
For me, I eat sashimi or drink my wedding wine when I get AF. 
Also, I blame the meds for any weird or negative thoughts. DH knows not to mess with me especially during the first 10 days of the cycle. 
nectarine / 2433 posts
No matter how many times I tell myself I won't be disappointed I always am....the longer it goes on the more I have been able to not be as sad but it still stings every time.
cantaloupe / 6730 posts
Oh sweetie, do you know how amazing you are that the thought is only showing up now?!?!? I was convinced I'd get a neg every month, probably from month 6 and on. You have an amazing spirit! Cut yourself some slack. If this is what you need to think to keep on going, then you do what you have to do.
nectarine / 2809 posts
@bluestriped bee: yeah.... It's so upsetting. Thoughts like "maybe I don't deserve to be a mom" and "maybe I should just accept that it's never going to happen" enter my mind frequently. I k now they aren't true, deep down, but the fear is overwhelming sometimes. Being a mom is all I've ever REALLY wanted. AF started today.
nectarine / 2809 posts
@bluestriped bee: I think it would be easier if we didn't have to wait 2 weeks every month. Like, if we could just test right after BD!!
cherry / 101 posts
i don't have my hopes up anymore, and i think i'll be fine...but every month i still end up having one big cry 
it's been over 3 years and i'm not sure when the monthly disappointment will go away.
persimmon / 1404 posts
I'm sorry you're feeling this way This whole IF thing is a huge emotional rollercoaster and it sucks.
I used to symptom spot like crazy and some months I would get REALLY upset. Now that it's been almost 3 years I feel nothing, I don't feel sad or disappointed, I just feel like it's normal.
wonderful clementine / 24134 posts
@bluestriped bee: this came up in my devotional today and I thought of you!
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