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This must be so hard! Hugs to you! I did NOT have a hard pregnancy and my husband still worries about those things and they are a big reason as to him wanting to be done with 2. Hopefully some bee's with similar stories can chime in.

Not the same but my husband was super worried about another shoulder dystocia with our third, since we were likely to have another big baby and the first two had it (thankfully without any birth injury). I think it helped some to share with him the research I did to try to get a relative sense of likelihood and related recommendations. It was by no means conclusive but helped with perspective I think. In some ways more ttc months gives you time to focus on the negative which just sucks. Are you able to do more research (or get it from your doctor) and talk it through with him? Maybe then you could make a plan together that felt logical? Sending hugs this stuff is hard

@Sams Mom: I think his concerns sound valid and that it sort of sounds like you're just trying to brush them aside because you really want a second baby. Has he been present for the conversations you've had with your doctor about your thyroid disorder/potential thyroid cancer and whether it's reasonable to be pregnant through that process? If you can look at things objectively, does it honestly make more sense to pause TTC and get your health affairs in order? I really understand wanting a second child and it just not happening the way you'd have liked it to, but your husband should also feel comfortable with the process and it sounds like, at this moment, he wants to put your health concerns first...which is a good thing.

I don't think my first pregnancy was considered high risk, but we had extra ultrasounds because of a diagnosis for DS1. I was healthy, but we ended up with a very traumatic delivery--shoulder distocia, meconium aspiration, and more scary stuff I won't get into. We had always planned on 2, but DH was completely traumatized and we agreed not to even talk about another baby until he was at least 1. At 1 we agreed we would maybe like to try for another one day, but we weren't ready yet. When he was just over 2 we decided to go ahead and TTC.

But one of DH's major fears was me dying or the baby dying. After the shoulder distocia with our first, my OB insisted on a C-section for any future pregnancies. Anyway we did go ahead and TTC. It took 14 cycles and in the midst of that we had some other health concerns for LO1, but we felt we would just keep trying and see what happens. We were both still scared, but personally I know I felt that my desire for another baby outweighed my fears the longer and longer we waited. I'm not sure exactly how that changed for my DH though.

My pregnancy with LO2 was high-risk due to my age and health concerns that LO1 had. We did have a C-section, and it went extremely well.

Sorry for the novel and this may not be at all relevant, but I wanted to share in case it was remotely helpful.

As you know, I had a high risk first pregnancy with HELLP and severe PreE. At the time, I remember both of us being very scared for me and DD. I kept running the scenario of a debilitating stroke through my head... which to me would have been a worse scenario than me dying. I think DH thought about that plus liver failure for me. Since we are both ER docs, we have bias in that we see these exact nightmare scenarios that do happen. They are rare relative to other people who don’t come to the ER bc they are perfectly fine, but that’s what we live daily. So we fear the zebras.

As for a next pregnancy, we are relying on the advice of our multiple doctors. I make sure to bring the conversation up any time we change plans or protocols, just to make sure our vapid desire for a second child doesn’t bias or sway the physicians perspective. DH also attends all the important, decision-making appointments.

Do you think DH in his line of work has a pretty clear picture plan in his head in case of LODD? I know he had that near miss. I know many cops and FFs who have written the “in case letter” to their spouses. Perhaps we can’t reconcile his just in case scenario with you not in it. Like DH and I, you guys live with knowledge of the dark , tragic things that can and do happen to perfectly good people.

Sorry to sound dark and dreary - hope you guys can continue to discuss.

@Sams Mom: So, from the POAS boards (and our emails), you know most of my story. Two high risk pregnancies, 2 csections (one was an emergency CS, and the other planned), and both times DH almost "lost" me (* His words, his fear). Here is the [still long] abridged version:
With DD, I had severe preeclampsia. I was naturally laboring (with Pitocin) when my BP spiked and T's began to plummet. Due to the pitocin and change in BP, I began to seizure. I was rushed into the OR for an emergency CS. They couldn't put me under due to my BP so they had to stabilize me, sedate me slightly, and give me a spinal block ALL while monitoring T. The CS itself took less than 1 minute since it was an emergency ... T was whisked off (they even forgot to take her foot prints). My blood pressure began to tumble wayyy too low while I was on the table and they had a bit of trouble stopping some of my internal bleeding. It scared the crap out of DH and my mother. In the end, I was fine as was T.
DH and I had no interest to try for another after all I went through with T. We were happy as a family of 3 ... then, oops!, I became pregnant with G upon DH's redeployment (* return home from service aboard). We were ecstatic but understandably nervous. Due to my seizures, edema (and prior preeclampsia), advanced maternal age, as well as Autoimmune disorders, I am automatically diagnosed as "high risk" even with a healthy pregnancy so my OBGYN scheduled a repeat CS. With G, everything was wonderful and textbook (with exception to slight preeclampsia). The CS day was perfect until they were sedating me. Once again, my blood pressure dropped too low and I passed out. My heartrate slowed way too much as well. They could not wake me and I began bleeding from my nose. They had to revive me before DH could enter the room. (This is all documented in my records of which I had to collect from the military when DH went from active to reservist. . . It is lovely to read in transcript. 🙄 My poor doctors!) To err on the side of caution, I received my block but was warned it was the minimum amount for my surgery. I couldn't feel pain perse, but I could feel far more than the normal pressure and tugging ... It is hard to explain. It was uncomfortable like almost like a burning but not excruciating. Anyway, after TWO terrible birth experiences, DH was ready for the snip. I was fine with it as well -- until after his initial visit. We hashed out "why" he was getting it. It wasn't because he did not want more children (3 was his magic number, as was mine), RATHER, he was afraid of losing me. DH wanted to take it upon himself to "save" me by insuring I never went through a CS again. We discussed that there were options, and while I really appreciated his thinking (very chivalrous in a weird way), he didn't have to go through with it. With some prompting, he canceled his appointment for surgery. Months later we discussed trying for a #3 and February of that next year (3 years next month) we began trying.

@yellowbeach: Honestly, it was a fairly organic discussion that sprang from me inquiring: "What is going on in your head?!?! Why all of this talk about getting the snip?" The comment was made after he made a series of appointments for getting the procedure after telling me once, "I think I am going to get a vasectomy." He had come back from an initial consultation with a bunch of flyers and I felt it was an opportune time. Before then, I hadn't put much thought to it but G was only 2 mos old and we weren't sleeping much so I chalked it up to he was done with kids; however, every time we'd see another child (baby), he would comment how great a big family would be. It didn't add up. I also KNOW DH. He avoids physicians like the plague (no offense ), so going in for an elective "precautionary" procedure made little sense to me. I finally had to ask since I knew he wouldn't say "boo" of it otherwise. DH and I have great communication so I knew he'd open up ... I just NEVER expected his motivation for wanting a vasectomy was an innate fear of losing his soulmate and mother of his children. 🤷‍♀️

@Sams Mom: Just chalk it up to that (1) he is worried about you ... which is really sweet, (2) he is "trying" to be supportive, and (3) logic (or mathematics?) isn't really his strong point at the moment (🙄🤣) if he is worried about a 3rd before a 2nd. 🤦‍♀️ Besides, guys are just weird sometimes. 🤷‍♀️

@Sams Mom: I got that much ... I do not know the whole process, nor if it differs by state, but it is a sweet sentiment and would be lovely for your family! (PS. 2nd children STILL come before 3rd children, though. )

@Sams Mom: 🤣