Um, wtf! So my husband works with a woman who is always flirting with him. (I trust my husband completely and am not worried-just seriously annoyed by this. He is completely oblivious.) She has invited him over to her house to cook dinner (not our family, just him...he has declined); whenever I see her, she tells me how "incredibly lucky" I am; she is always sending him cutesy emails (he has showed me them and rolled his eyes). The list goes on. Next week is a big family party for the company, and she will certainly be there. How do I act? Sugary sweet? Annoyed? It's a fairly small company and it's at a small venue for dinner, so just ignoring her outright isn't much of an option. She's never done anything completely inappropriate -- just enough to make me raise my eyebrows and want to tell her to BACK OFF. Anyone been in this situation?
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@Paddington10: Your husband needs to report her to HR because that is extremely inappropriate. As for the family party, I would probably just giver her death glares the entire time but I also hate confrontation.
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I'd probably show a little more (appropriate) PDA when she was around at the picnic, grab his hand/have his arm around you, etc. I'm passive aggressive like that, I would not say anything since it's such a small company, but I'd hope that would say "this man is taken back off."
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Inviting her over for dinner sounds pretty inappropriate to me! I'd go the route that @LuLu Mom: suggested. Make it perfectly clear that he's happily married and throw a few "back off my husband, lady" glares her way.
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I think I'd also do what @LuLu Mom suggested. When you talk to her I'd be nice, not overly nice though, and I'd use body language to let her know she needs to back off.
Inviting him over her house for dinner is totally inappropriate, ugh. That would really annoy me.
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Certainly don't pretend you like her because you don't. If she starts engaging you in conversation I would somehow drop in there that you know about the solo dinner invitations and that is rude since the invite should be for his family. It's really his fight to take issue with her or through HR/ manager. However, she likes to remind you how luck you are so remind her how rude she is.
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If it were me, and she made a comment about how lucky I am, I would take the bait and call attention to her inappropriate behavior. "I am really lucky to have him, and he's incredibly devoted to me. He's mentioned that you've invited him over for dinner; I want you to know that I'm not threatened by you, but I don't appreciate you asking my husband on a date."
My heart would be racing the whole time, but I'd feel empowered putting her in her place. I'm guessing this isn't unusual behavior for this woman, and she has the power to ruin (other, less strong) marriages if she continues like this.
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You're better than me, I would've spoken to her the moment she invited my husband to her home for dinner. HELL NO!
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How has your husband addressed this with her? I think he should tell her that he's not interested in having a social relationship with her, and keep it strictly professional. I would want my husband to do that before I intervened.
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He has told her this, but basically by saying he's "busy with his family" and has plans, etc, and not interested.. He is so not a confrontational type of person. I can see him saying it in a super laidback, kind way, not a mad way. She also does this with another husband/dad in the office. It is seriously bizarre.
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Yikes! Is she a subordinate? He needs to go to hr and have it on record for his protection. Ppl are crazy and this woman seems to have zero clue regarding appropriate behavior.
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Yep. He needs to keep a file with the inappropriate contacts and anything done in person he needs to take notes. I would bring this to HR. If a male were asking a female coworker to come to his home and cook dinner together we would certainly encourage the female to report him for sexual harassment and I don't see why it should be any different when the gender roles are reversed.
ETA: And as for the picnic I would limit interaction her as much as possible. If you must interact be brief and cordial. You saying or doing something unprofessional would just undermine him handling this the right way.
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I think it's mainly on him to deal with the situation.
As for the picnic I certainly wouldn't seek interaction. If she pulls the 'you're so lucky'. I'd just kinda laugh it off and say 'Maybe a bit of luck, but I'm a pretty sweet catch as well'
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I think your husband needs to be way more aggressive in how he deals with this situation. He needs to see it as a direct threat to the stability of family and his career. Its not something to be taken lightly. No one should ever go to work feeling weird and uncomfortable because of something a coworker does to them, especially if all it requires is a little intervention to get them to act professionally.
He should talk to HR and not accuse her of anything, but just say some things have happened that make him uncomfortable and he'd like for there to be something on file. It may be enough where HR or her supervisor might decide its a good idea to set her up for some training on workplace communication skills or sexual harassment (which most people have to take as a regular part of their jobs anyway) without actually disciplining her.
As for you, I think you should ask your husband if there are any concrete ways you can help him navigate this situation and make him feel more comfortable at work events. I think the act of asking him how you can be of assistance may make him feel more lovey and protective and generally more PDA-friendly around the weird coworker. For instance, if this were my husband, he would probably ask me to stick close by so that she never has an opportunity to speak to him alone and my willingness to do so would make him very lovey dovey towards me. It may also help to have a plan to have him actively go around and introduce you to everyone as his lovely wife so that you're marking the territory.
I would be cordial to the woman if she speaks to you, but not in any way that would be engaging or encourage further conversation. I would just trade niceties and use your husband or children as an excuse, or excuse yourself to go speak to another person.
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@gingerbebe: I was going to say something similar. I actually would take more issue with how my husband is handling it (or not handling it).
Not at all saying he's welcoming it or encouraging it. But she's clearly someone that needs a more blunt message and it's on him to deliver that. If he's just sort of "no thanks" and nicey nicey about it, she might see that there's still an opportunity.
And if he is direct and she still continues, time to go to HR. With emails and proof. -
@HeartAbandoned: I would like to handle it the way you said! Direct! But I am so non- confrontational I would probably tell my husband to go to HR which he absolutely wouldn't. So really I would just be cordial to her and assure her in conversation WE are not interested in hanging out because
of our family lifestyle (again reinforcing what husband said) and give her messages in conversation that she is in the platonic, draw the line, just a work friend zone! -
No advice but ageeed with some pp it's on your husband to handle.. he needs to draw the line and be direct with her
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I totally agree about reporting to HR. As others have noted, if the roles were reversed and a man in the office was constantly hitting on a woman, I think people would for sure be suggesting HR get involved. I don't even think it's relevant that he's in a relationship (although certainly annoying for you!) It's inappropriate regardless.
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I just asked my husband what he would do in a situation like this and he had a good answer. He said he would say it kindly the first time (sounds like your husband did), then he would say it firmly if it continues. (This is making me uncomfortable. I told you xyz so please stop.) Then talk to HR if it happens again. DH actually sounded too nice when I asked him to give an example of what he would say the first time. But I guess words are better than no words. Hope this helps, from a guy perspective.
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@gingerbebe: this is what I was thinking.
Just like other issues at work- dates, times, locations- documentation is important.
Few people like conflict but this behavior is inappropriate in the workplace and the issue is bigger than a company BBQ. It's really not on the OP to resolve or set the tone.
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I haven't had this situation before, but from my perspective I would either a) encourage spouse to report it if you feel it crosses into harassment or b) take it as a compliment and move on. You completely trust your spouse, so it doesn't really matter what she does, unless it affects his employment.
I've had adult students (roughly same age) act inappropriately toward me and I've had to report it to my boss, but my husband has never gotten involved or even acted like it bothered him. Of course I'm the one with the power in that situation, so if you feel like turning this woman down would cause your husband some sort of problems at work, I would definitely report it. If it is just a one-sided flirtation, I'd let it go. If I were in your husband's situation I would not feel comfortable with my spouse asking for special behavior from me (like not being alone during work events etc. I'd prefer it if my spouse trusted me to handle it. That being said, my husband and I communicate a lot about attraction we feel to others, and if for example I were attracted to a co-worker, he'd be the first to know. I absolutely would be as pleasant to the wife as possible because acting defensive would project weakness and that could cause the woman to pursue more. In fact, you might even want to try to befriend her. Maybe she's lonely or jealous or something like that. Try asking her a question about herself. At the very least you'll be a little closer to her so that you can monitor the situation.
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Your husband needs to man up and put a stop to it. I'd probably advise a sit down with HR to address it. You never know how people will act in these types of situations. Like sorry but him saying he's busy isn't cutting it. Why hasn't he said, no that's inappropriate I'm married and not interested.
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I think here your husband should take a stand and make her feel like nothing, you cant do anything if you husband doesnt do anything about it, she might just be enjoying you being annoyed as some women are like that, ask me i have one in my office she doesnt even work with him she has met him once or twice in office parties and still goes on talking to me about him as if she has a crush on him initially i wasn't so threatened but until she met him and started flirting in front of me with him, i swear to god i wanted to give her a tight slap but that doesn't really happen in real life you have to deal with things like these maturely.
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