I came across this article and would love to hear your thoughts. I remember when we were going through IVF I often wondered if I did have twins how I would react to peoples questions on how they came to be. I did end up getting pregnant with two, but lost a twin at 9 weeks. Having only have 1 baking now I don't get these questions from strangers. But If you have multiples from fertility treatments, do you often get these kinds of questions? How do you respond? If you are open with them do they end up having an infertility story of their own?
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We're still doing treatments, but actually hope for twins. If I am so lucky to have twins, I would happily be open about it after the pain of trying is over and they are in my arms. I've even joked about buying onesies that say "Buy one... " "...get one free".
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I won't have twins, but I'm pretty open about my infertility and treatments. But if strangers were asking me about it because of the makeup of my family, I would definitely get annoyed!
I think if someone asks about it, though, then you have every right to shoot back with an equally personal question like the author of the article did: "Are you considering fertility treatments?"
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@Mrs.Pinecone316: I'm not having twins after treatments but I have had a couple intrusive questions already from people who don't know what we went through to get to where we are today.
I had a co-worker mention how she was surprised at how long we waited since she knew we wanted kids for a while. When I mentioned that it wasn't an easy road and we would liked to have had a child sooner she said, "you mean it wasn't natural?" It took every ounce of strength to not snap back. I simply explained that it was just as natural as any other pregnancy but that we needed help.I am pretty open with people now about how we got pregnant and how blessed we are to have been able to go through IVF. I would like to believe that by talking about it maybe someone will reach out to me if they are struggling too.
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@Mrs.Pinecone316: What a sweet article! I'm not very prickly when it comes to most personal questions. I hope, when the time comes, if I'm inclined not to answer, I'll answer "That's a very personal question. Is there a reason you're asking?" That way, if the response is "My wife/best friend/daughter is undergoing fertility treatment" we can share our experiences...and if not, hopefully I've made them second-guess their motives for asking.
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@mrswin: Yiiiikes. That's a pretty awful question.
FliegepilzHut: That's a pretty good solution! Well said.
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@ineebee: Thanks! I've had a while to think about it.
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I will try to say this in a way that I hope it comes out right and not offensive to anyone. I certainly don't mean it to be.
I went through IUI with my first and while my family doesn't know, I had been writing an infertility blog at the time that somehow got shared around work like gossip and so everyone in the office knew how my son came to be, and the struggle we went through to have him. Many were not very nice about it and I got asked to take down my personal blog because too many people were talking about it.
This time when we got pregnant (by accident) with twins I knew that everyone assumed we'd had IVF. And while I would not have felt bad at all if that had been the answer, I had been really proud this time to feel like I was "normal" like the other women I worked with. So when a coworker asked me if I'd needed IVF again for this baby (hello, I didn't have IVF the first time) it really hurt my feelings.
So in answer to your question, I feel like now when I tell people I have twins I assume they're assuming it was IVF-induced (aka I'm hyper sensitive) and so I always say something like "ya we're having twins, it was such an accidental surprise" preemptively so that maybe they don't automatically go there.
Again, just wanting to say that I would be proud to say that they were IVF babies, if they indeed were, because I think all of us IF'ers need to feel like we are not outcasts, but very normal in our population (people just don't talk about it). I just have had a very hard time dealing with how I was treated regarding my IUI with ds when people knew.
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@marionberry: No offense taken. I can't believe your coworkers were so gossipy and insensitive (about something as simple as IUI, no less)! It must be frustrating and yes, people do pry...often for no good reason. I don't blame you one bit for heading them off at the pass! BTW, can you imagine the poor folks who have spontaneous HOM?!
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I think it's kind of rude for a stranger to ask a question like that. To me, it's more personal.
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@pui: I agree, I think it's super rude.
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@FliegepilzHut: Yes it would be even worse to be having triplets and such. People will definitely assume IVF there.
@pui: I agree that it's rude, but I think in our culture most people have never been taught to be sensitive about it. Like we're sensitive about saying such things because we've been there, but had I never gone through IF I might have done the exact same thing with no ill will meant. -
@marionberry: That's true, people are not really taught how to talk to/treat people with IF... however I feel like it's mostly common sense. :\ Asking someone if their babies are "natural" or not just doesn't seem like an appropriate thing to say. They don't mean to be mean, but I do think people should think more before they speak (in general lol).
Asking a stranger if they had IVF because they have twins is like asking someone with a glass eye how they got it. It's not necessarily a nasty thing to do, but it's still not something a stranger should expect a person to want to talk about with them.
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I'm actually glad when people ask me, because I'm very forthright about it. I also answer with the fact that they are IVF babies, because I don't want this to be considered a taboo answer. It's not, it's an awesome answer. How cool is it that I got to see my babies as embryos? A very small number of people get to have that. These kiddos were selected, it wasn't random. They were VERY MUCH wanted, no accidents here! I figure the more people who are open about it, the less stigma it will have. To me, it should be akin to someone asking how you broke your leg. People are naturally curious, and I think it's a good thing. Infertility is a medical condition, and just happens to be one with a huge amount of emotional ties to it. There should be no shame in it.
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@pui: Agreed.
@meganmp: I agree. I call ds our miracle baby and he will always be special in an extra way because we did everything in our power to make him. I would think it would be awesome to see your babies as blastocysts. How very cool to be able to tell them about it when they get older. -
I like the response the writer of this article had. She says right after she asked the vet if she was considering IVF she regretted it, but it ended up sparking a nice conversation. I think if someone asked me a question like this I would try to respond similarly... Maybe the asker is going through the same thing. Even if the asker doesn't know a thing about infertility it might give me a chance to teach someone about it.
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I think if I get multiples, I might tell people that getting pregnant is a miracle and for some people it's not an easy miracle. That was our case. We've wanted these babies for a long time and have had long a difficult journey to get here. And end it there (for a random stranger). Maybe if they bring up a friend who went through IF, I might open up a little more.
I might not tell them all of my details like my diagnosis or number of treatments I've had. Unless they really want to know.
ETA: It's just for me saying to a random stranger... 'Yes, we had IVF' might lead them down the thought of all the money that was spent. TMI for a stranger. Plus, some people don't get it. (Ever read the comments on an article about fertility treatments?) If I say the statement above, it doesn't say anything specifically about IUIs or IVF.
Also, I say this as someone who is very open on FB about my IF treatments. I think these people know me and understand how difficult things are for us.
It's different for someone off the street asking if my multiples are natural.
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I know of a couple who just had twins and the first thing my mom said when they announced their pregnancy was "did you hear that x & x are having twins? I bet they're not natural", then of course when we saw them at a family wedding the first thing she said to her was "wow, twins, are they natural?"
(the twins are IVF babies)
No. The babies are not natural. They are clearly fake, unnatural babies. *rolling eyes*
I love those onsies that say things like "buy one, get one free", or "made with lots of love, and a little bit of science"
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@bluestriped bee: I find that the issue with a lot of people is that they just don't understand boundaries. You say you had your baby through IVF and then you hear "was the problem with you or him?" then it can go even deeper. It sucks.
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@alohaorchid: yeah, I think I wouldn't tell a stranger my or DH's diagnosis. TMI!! All they need to know is getting pregnant is a miracle and not all miracles are easy.
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@FliegepilzHut: that is a perfect response! @marionberry: I can't believe you had to deal with the last time around. I can see the flip side of things too where people with multiples who didn't need fertility treatments get tired of those questions or people assuming that they are IVF babies too.
@bluestriped bee: that is a really good way to put it too.
@alohaorchid: it really is crazy how personal some people can get. It's such a fine line between us with IF not wanting it to be a taboo thing that has to be kept private and then people being too intrusive and asking way to personal of questions. It's like...my husbands sperm count really isn't any of your business lol. -
Ok. I think people asking if my 'hypothetical' twins are natural seems to strike a nerve for me.
I think if someone asks me that question and without being defensive about it, I might rephrase their question and ask if they are asking if twins run in my family.
I read the article. (Sorry, didn't read it til just now.) I think the question about having fertility treatments, could be a curious question. I would respond with yes, I did have fertility treatments and that it is very common nowadays with 1 out of 8 couples having infertility.
I do think people can get very personal with some of the questions they ask. I don't think my DH would want me talking about his sperm analysis results. Though, I am coming from someone who has both male and female infertility, so putting blame on my DH is not something I would do. If anything, I might be the blame for our infertility and I don't mind sharing with other people my diagnosis of PCOS and DOR.
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I get it a lot. I'd prefer it if they didn't ask, cuz who cares? How does it affect them? But I won't lie. I don't go into detail, I just say, we had some help. I do get questions re whether I had my third child via ivf (from family). I think I'd be open to talk about my journey if the person asking was going thru it too.
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I get it alot and honestly don't mind it one bit. Some people outright ask about my twins and others hint or ask leading questions as to if treatments were used. I come right out and say they are IVF babies. Some people are familiar with the process and others have absolutely no clue what IVF is. A while back a girl I've spoken with over the phone for years for work asked if I had been shocked to learn I was expecting twins. I told her we had done IVF so we knew there was a strong possibility. She ended up sharing her and her husband were considering IVF and asked if I would be willing to discuss the process/answer questions, etc. She said she didn't know anyone who had undergone IVF and was happy to finally talk to someone who had. IF is such a hush hush topic and if I can ever be of any help to someone going through it, I will. And if I'm able to spread the word and put a (hopefully) normal everyday face to fertility treatments, I'm happy to do it.
And, until they grew out of them, my girls proudly sported their "made with love & science" onsies. -
@Caly: I
those onesies so much!!!
those onesies so much!!! Reply
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