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How do you think she'd respond if you just told her that you and your husband felt this was a journey you needed to take alone? I feel like wanting it to be a private moment for you and your husband is totally valid (and I consider doulas medical professionals-- so they don't count any more than a doc does in my book).

I am choosing to have just my husband and mom there, and I'm not sure I'll have my mom stay the whole time. For her I told her I did want her there to support me and also to give my husband a break so he would feel like he could go get a sandwich or just take a break if it was a long labor. But that I was reserving my right to kick her out if I started to feel like I needed more privacy or if in the moment I decided I wanted it to be a private time for my husband and I. She totally understood and said she wants to help me however she can and if that means being there or NOT being there, she's happy to oblige and I need to not worry about her feelings on the day of because she'll be fine regardless.

As for my inlaws, that is harder. They both assumed they would be there. My father in law said it to me and I just told him we're not having visitors in the hospital or the first week and they can come after. He wasn't thrilled, but he said okay. My MIL--- we still haven't talked to. My husband says he'll take care of it but he hasn't yet. Fingers crossed it goes okay.

DH and I both knew we wanted it to be just us. My MIL *insisted* she be there. We said no. She said she never got to experience a real birth so she will be there. We said no. She said she would wait in the waiting room then. Again, we said no. So in the end we told no one we were even at the hospital so we could have things our way. We were really certain we wanted it to be just us two and have those first moments together as a new family. I have no regrets. We will do it that way this time as well!

I say go with how you feel and don't worry about hurting feelings, you can put it nicely and hopefully she understands!

Truly, if your mom stresses you out, DO NOT have her there. I promise. It's *your* experience and you get to have it the way *you* want it. She can start being a grandmother when you decide you're ready for visitors.

I do, however, strongly recommend having a doula.

My MW practice requires a doula and we used my mom because she and I have a really good, strong relationship AND I knew she'd be able to keep her cool (she is absolutely who you want with you in any medical situation). Throughout my pregnancy, my MWs tried to convince me NOT to use my mom as my doula. They said they had seen it go wrong way more times than it went right.

@Bookish: that stinks! My hospital has a pass policy during CB. The father/labor coach gets two passes that we can hand out if we wish. No one without a pass gets to the delivery portion of the maternity ward without a pass!

@locavore_mama: Yea ours is pretty strict too.

I would just be frank about it. We had to tell my MIL we didn't want her in there. In the end, I had an epi and was relaxed so we let her and my mom come in for a bit but they certainly were not there for delivery or any of the really tough labor.

Just my DH and my doula.

My mom definitely thought she should be there! She was there with my sister, but my sister was young and single when she gave birth. It was hard, but we just had to tell everyone that it was a personal, private thing, and that we'd see them when the baby was born.
I should have been even firmer, because they (my mom and MIL) came to the hospital while I was in the midst of pushing and asked if they could come in the room. A nurse said "grandma's are here! They can come in right?" and between pushes I yelled "What??!! NO!!"

DH was there (plus 14 other doctors, nurses, midwives and a nursing student! lol). I would be okay with DH and my mom, that's it.

Only DH. My mom thought she was going to be there but I had to gently tell her I had only wanted DH in the room. I felt bad but she understood.

Just my husband, I didn't want an audience. My family is very pro natural birth, and I am all for medical interventions, so I did not want anyone else's 2 cents during my birth experience.

ETA- I was totally fine with the med students being present.

DH, our Doula (who was/is fantastic and made my labour sooo much better) and the nurses for most of the labour. OB came in 2x, once to check in and once to catch the baby both of our families were in the waiting room for a good chunk of time which didn't bother me. My mom, sister and dad all came in at seperate times to see me, but I don't think it was what they were expecting. I was a many hours deep into a no-epi pitocin augmented labour. I tried really hard to be polite and make conversation between contractions but a few contractions each and they were outta there! lol! My sisters face, I'll never forget it, was priceless. She was a perfect mixture of shocked, horrified and terrified. It was not what they were expecting (me sitting in bed hooked up to a few machines crunching on ice chips. I think they're all going to wait until the baby is born this time to bother coming up to visit.

I did not want my mom there, as she is very high-maintenance and stresses me out most of the time. I went into labor at night, and we didn't call anyone until we went to the hospital at 5:30 a.m., at which point she wouldn't have been able to come up even if she wanted since she cannot drive in the dark. Afterward, we called once I'd had my bonding time, and they came to visit later that day.

My mum, dh and midwife. I had back labor and no epidural so I constantly had to have counter pressure on my back so having my mum and dh take turns was great when their hands got sore, also meant that they could take turns going to get something to eat, getting some fresh air etc. Mum stayed until shortly after delivery and then she left to give us some family time (was also 11pm at night) and she came back the next day for her first cuddles. I'll definitely have the same plan next time (depending who is going to look after lo)

@Torchwood: Go with your gut.

We're due in 9 days, and from week 5 we told our parents that it would be just us and our medical staff (so DH and my doula + the hospital staff) until she was here, then we'd call and let them know when to visit. I love my mom, and she'd want to be supportive (sounds much like yours), but in the end I know it would be like @HabesBabe:'s situation and she'd be trying to do things that she *thinks* help but don't and would be offended when I told her not to. And I didn't want the pressure of people waiting in the waiting room or trying to bop in, because the moms most definitely would.

It wasn't a super pleasant conversation (and we had to have it with my mom and ILs a few times) but just a firm "this is our plan of action and this is when you will be notified" got the point across without wiggle room. If you give reasons, some folks will try to get around them. No reason to explain what you and SO want. They've since gotten over it and are now planning on and excited for when they can really come and meet her and enjoy time with her, rather than a 5 minute glimpse before they're kicked out by DH or I.

It will be just DH and I.

I am so thankful that our parents are not putting on that sort of pressure. We don't even want them in the waiting room! We will call them when I go into labor and when they can come to the hospital, and they all seem fine with it.

I see nothing wrong with doing this the way you want, and making it clear as to what YOU (and DH) want. Becoming grandparents is a big deal, but it's not their moment!

we haven't had lo yet, but we're planning for dh and my mom to be in the room with me, and then I don't really care who is in the waiting room. I know my dad will be, but my in-laws haven't said a word about when they're coming to visit...for my mom though, there are a couple specific reasons why I want her there. I've been sick around her a couple times since I've been an adult (after getting my wisdom teeth out at 23, and a really bad case of stomach flu), and she was very helpful--she was good at anticipating what I needed without being overly solicitous, overbearing, or annoying. Dh haaaates hospitals, and I think will be really nervous about being there, whereas my mom has lots of experience with them (her own illness plus all of my grandparents') and will be calmer than he will be, so I think she will be really good at being a liaison between us and the staff, so that dh can focus on me and baby. And having both of them will give dh a break if he needs it. I guess some of that is what people want from a doula, but I trust that my mom will be be able to put my and dh's needs before her own. She is sooo excited that I want her there, but wasn't pushy about it--she wanted to make sure it was what I wanted.

LO is due in April & I'm planning on having my mom & DH there with me. Possibly MIL also, but I need to check on how many people are allowed. MIL has been with us when DH had to have multiple surgeries so I feel like I know how she will be...just helpful and encouraging.

@char54: That's what I imagine! Glad to hear it worked for someone

@Torchwood: yes, definitely find out!

My mom kind of stresses me out during high-stress situations but other times I want my mom!

She didn't ask to be in the room with me but I did tell her that I planned on being me and DH, but totally reserve the right to need my mom!

But.. Then I had a section so it didn't matter. She & my dad hung out at panera until DH called to say Chloe had been born!

DD: DH and mom
DS: DH

I'm so happy my mom was there with us the first time. She was the best cheerleader

If your mom stresses you out, then I wouldn't ask her to be there.