Any Tips for Staying Sane? (while TTC after recurrent loss/ loss after IF)

By FliegepilzHut Sep 3, 2014

There are a lot of us who have been and are currently TTC after a loss. From those of you who have emerged on the other side of this...or are currently pregnant...was there anything that helped you to put one foot in front of the other and BELIEVE in the process, despite all the heartbreak and evidence to the contrary?

I'm not feeling like giving up...but I'm also not sure (emotionally) how to move forward. Morale is really low. Maybe it'll just take time? It doesn't help that I can't really escape thinking about it (still dealing with labs and insurance companies and doctors' offices)...

Anyone want to help a sister out?

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15 comments

Vegmama
pear / 1799 posts

Sep 3, 2014

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way. I know what it's like ... I think everyone's journey is so personal, and it's so hard to explain the feelings after loss.

Here's what happened with us: After months of trying, we got pregnant for the first time. I had a miscarriage during the first trimester. It was shocking, isolating, and because m/c is such a taboo in our culture, we had to wade through it (relatively) alone. I remember feeling like the process (m/c) would never end. Physically, financially, emotionally ...

Then, we started trying again. For months and months, we were unable to get pregnant, and I was feeling so down. Of course, I didn't want to fixate on it, but I was charting and counting down each day before I could test again. Finally, my husband suggested we pick our test date each month, and plan an awesome date. We'd either be celebrating a pregnancy, or drowning our sorrows and taking a cab home.

It helped me not lose sight of the bigger picture. We were trying to have a baby for us ... for our family. These date nights were something to look forward to, and I knew I'd have at least one person to share my feelings with.

Eventually, I got pregnant again, and I now have a baby girl. I can look back at our TTC and m/c with both positive and negative thoughts. On the positive side, I learned a lot about TTC and my specific cycle. My partner and I became a lot closer. On the negative side, it was really emotionally taxing, and honestly, I was worried during my entire pregnancy that something would go wrong.

In the end, eventually getting pregnant gave me hope. I'm terrified to try for another baby, because I know how hard the process was the first time. BUT, I can look at it with more hopeful eyes now.

Thinking of you! You know you'll put your heart and soul into this, because you're meant to be a mama. It WILL happen.
spaniellove
honeydew / 7916 posts

Sep 3, 2014

I second what @Vegmama: said about dates. We made an effort to put the spark back into our relationship because IF takes so much out of you and we wanted to feel alive again, like when we were first dating. We needed things to feel fresh and new and hopeful again - I mean, we'd been married for 6 years! But also we had 3 failed IUIs, a failed IVF, and 3 m/c's. I threw myself into running and yoga, which I'd never say is what finally got me pregnant but it sure was a great distraction.

It is so very hard to go through what you're going through and I know that when you're in the trenches you don't know how far you are from finally holding your LO. But I can tell you that one day it will really happen.
FliegepilzHut
pomegranate / 3533 posts

Sep 3, 2014

@Vegmama: @spaniellove: Thank you both. I feel like I've been "tough" for a really long time and this 2nd m/c (after IVF) has just been a lot tougher on me... I've really been down the last couple of days. I'm just not feeling very brave...and maybe I'm trying too hard to get over this too quickly? Next week is our anniversary (#8). Maybe having an honest-to-goodness celebration and some time together will help... Our vacation this year was (both literally and figuratively) our IVF attempt. And more date nights are always good! @spaniellove: you've convinced me-- I will get started with yoga.

I want so badly to believe it will all be okay soon. Thank you for having faith while I'm struggling...
ValentineMommy
pomelo / 5791 posts

Sep 4, 2014

@FliegepilzHut: I'm not on the other side yet, as you know, but I just wanted to give you some extra hugs and support. I really found that circle&bloom's healing and loss meditation program helped me. I have crippling anxiety and the 30 minutes of downtime and just breathing really helps. That particular program is free, but there's also an IVF one as well, I believe. I highly recommend trying the free one once or twice. Dates nights, yoga, meditation...and us! It's going to be okay soon. It has to.
blackbird
wonderful grape / 20453 posts

Sep 4, 2014

So....my infertility was a bit different, but still classified as 'infertility'.... I could get pregnant, but I couldn't get them to stick, so I had recurring loss. I went through a barrage of testing, and it just felt like "just keep swimming, just keep swimming". For me, I just knew that eventually something good would come, and that it would happen eventually. With a lot of anxiety, sure, but one way or another (having my own baby, adopting, whatever), it would happen. In the meantime, I just focused on myself. I finished my masters (which i was in the progress of doing), I took care of my health, and generally tried to enjoy the little things. I hung out with friends more often. I know it is easier said than done, though. I started doing Crossfit right before I got pregnant again, and it was great to start something new and challenging and focus on THAT. So, anyways. My third pregnancy stuck and now I'm pregnant with my second. But...it's been a few years now. The landscape will be so much different in 5 years. Maybe not what you expect right now, Everyone has big burdens they carry in life; things that change them. I figure this was mine. And maybe that's a weird way of looking at things, but that was my perspective.
aegie
clementine / 806 posts

Sep 4, 2014

I've always thought I hit the jackpot with pregnancies. I got pregnant on the first shot with LO#1 and LO#2. But when I went in for my 20 week anatomy scan when I was 21 weeks, we found out her heart stopped beating for whatever reason at around 19-20 weeks.

I know I can get pregnant. But I'm so scared to get pregnant. I know I won't be able to enjoy my next pregnancy whenever that is anymore. I also had my milk come in after my D&E which really threw me for a loop too. So while I know if I tried, I'm sure the pregnant part will come, I don't want to be pregnant in fear of losing another baby. But I don't feel like I'm going to heal 100% until I do get pregnant either ..... so I'm torn between trying again or waiting. And the fear and guilt. I shouldn't have eaten that, I shouldn't have slept that way, I should have held LO#1 less. Ugh.
alohaorchid
persimmon / 1404 posts

Sep 4, 2014

I haven't had a successful pregnancy yet, but I have experienced a mc and a cp. I'll be honest that right now I'm struggling with our situation, but I have been trying to think of every day as bringing us one step closer to our baby.

*hugs* I'm sorry you're having a tough time
MaryM
pomelo / 5129 posts

Sep 4, 2014

@FliegepilzHut: First of all, Thank you for this post I think it can help a lot of us!

Also not on the other side, but I agree with what a lot of the girls have said about dates. As we've discussed in the MC thread, DH and I deal VERY differently. I'm focused on what has happened and the chance that we might not conceive (or if we do, could have another loss). He is SURE we'll have a baby.

Occasionally it might take a breakdown for him to see how much I'm really hurting. But I think by being more open, he can then help to turn things around a bit. He arranged our surprise portrait shoot because "we needed a reason to smile"

It's so taboo to talk about things, but honestly, I think that's really the only way to heal.

also, someone told me when my father died, that the pain never really goes away...it becomes a new sense of "normal." I think the same can be said for any loss (including MC).

I don't know if I'll ever move past the loss and forget it and feel like it was ok. But learning to cope and deal with the pain helps it to consume less and less of my life over time. But I still don't think a day goes by that I don't think about it.
FliegepilzHut
pomegranate / 3533 posts

Sep 4, 2014

@ValentineMommy: You all are definitely a life-saver! I think I was taking it (myself) a day at a time, which was working fine up to this point...and then thought maybe I could take the next big step, not just planning (because IVF & FET require planning), but actually feeling hopeful...and that really back-fired on me. I hate it that I'm feeling this way 3 whole weeks after my D+C...but maybe that's normal? I surely wouldn't know. Sending lots of love back at you!

@blackbird: That's a good perspective to have. My two losses were entirely different, particularly to me, because the second pregnancy was after 2 years of trying, and finally IVF. I'll have a RPL work-up soon...and most probably there's nothing wrong...but DH and I would both like to have some answers before we throw ourselves back into the TTC/early pregnancy quagmire. But I like the idea of focusing on myself (and probably DH as well)...and that was what I was planning, until I found myself in this funk. Maybe I just started too late? Or too early? Anyway, thank you so much! Wishing you all the best for your pregnancy with LO#2!
FliegepilzHut
pomegranate / 3533 posts

Sep 4, 2014

@aegie: I know that there is nothing I can say to make you feel better right now. But I just wanted to reiterate, there is absolutely nothing you did or didn't do that caused this to happen. And I'm so sorry for the pain you must be feeling right now. Take all the time you need to heal and it will have been worth all the effort when you're ready to try again! Wishing you all the best!
FliegepilzHut
pomegranate / 3533 posts

Sep 4, 2014

@alohaorchid: It's so very hard. I can't wait for the news that you and your DH are having your take-home/rainbow baby! Wishing you lots of luck!

@MaryM: As much as I would love to divorce myself from this history, it's not really possible, is it? You just have to find ways to get more comfortable (less fragile) talking about it...and you can't really forget...but maybe some facets of this really complex hurt become less intense? That's how I'm thinking about it right now anyway. I hate how many of us there are going through this right now...but I have to say, it does make for some amazing support at times! Thanks for chiming in! I'm thinking of you!
ValentineMommy
pomelo / 5791 posts

Sep 4, 2014

@FliegepilzHut: I definitely think it's normal to feel that way. I felt that way the whole 2 months of bleeding after my d&e, and it cycled with extreme anger. Now that my cycle is regulating again, I'm still sad - but it's a dull sadness, not as bad as before, but definitely not better. You can feel hopeful, sad, mad, scared - whatever you need to feel...and all at once if necessary. Allow yourself to feel whatever you need to - it's going to be ok whatever happens. We're here for you!
brownie
grapefruit / 4110 posts

Sep 4, 2014

I had two back to back fets that both failed in chemical pregnancies. It was devastating (and no where near what you have gone through). One thing I did was work really hard to find a doctor that I trusted. This meant that I needed to meet a lot of doctors and I did a lot of testing. In my heart I felt like I had an autoimmune issue and I threw myself into testing for that.

We made some decisions and are now 9 weeks pregnant. I have been terrified at every appointment. Convinced that something was going to be wrong. It is still very very hard but as others have said I have to trust the process. Nothing has gone wrong yet and if it will go wrong I can't do anything about it.
FliegepilzHut
pomegranate / 3533 posts

Sep 4, 2014

@ValentineMommy: Thank you! I think maybe I was pushing too hard to feel "normal." It'll come soon enough, I'm sure!

@brownie: Yes! Do trust/believe it will be okay! I know how hard that has to be right now...but you are doing everything you can...and hopefully the days will continue to fly by!

Who knew that this had to be so difficult?
momazon
kiwi / 613 posts

Sep 4, 2014

Great thread! Thanks for posting this. I needed to read these tonight, and it sounds like they've brought you some comfort as well. Stay strong!

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