I have my follow up appointment from my d&c today, and I called and they do have my results in to discuss. I’m just so emotional about having (or not having) answers.
I don’t know what I want to do moving forward, and just ugh. I don’t feel like I can just take time off to decide, because I have so few eggs, if we are going to try again, it has to be soon.
We won’t do ivf (just can’t justify the cost and emotional aspect with two at home), so we can’t do genetic testing on embryos.
If nothing was wrong with this last pregnancy it will also just make me feel so guilty. I know if someone else was going through this I’d tell them “no! It was nothing you did!” But I just can’t shake that the baby had a strong heartbeat on Thursday and died on Saturday with no apparent reason.
Anyway, just writing this out here, no real reason except I’m feeling all sorts of emotional and torn on what I “want” to be the answer.
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I have nothing that I can say, except that we are all thinking about you. Lots of Bee love.
You've been through a lot, and the unknown is so scary. You'll need to give yourself a little time to handle the answers you get and the grief you are all processing.
For right now, just get through one hour at a time until you get to your appointment and get answers.
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@LAZB: we lost twins, they stopped growing two days before the scan. We tried genetic testing after the d/c but they couldn't get answers and just had to keep going. At first it was hard not to know why it happened but now that time has passed (almost 5 years now) its much easier and I don't need a reason. It's hard.
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I'm sorry. I have had three miscarriages. They don't get easier with experience (in fact quite the opposite). I found out that my third one was a trisomy disorder that is not compatible with life. It actually really helped to learn that. I hope you get some information that helps bring you some peace. Hugs.
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@jennlin821: thank you
️ I had been so good at waiting (which is so unlike me!) but now that I know results are in, I’m just so nervous. You are right though, I just need to take a little time to process
@Banana330: this is my third loss in a row, and the first two we had no answers. I agree that it’s hard not to know but easier in a way. This one just has more riding on it because it’s the third and the latest loss (11 weeks).
@ElbieKay: I feel like it would help me feel less guilt if something was genetically incompatible with life, but it would also make me hesitant to ttc again. It’s all bad I guess -
@LAZB: My RE told me that he thought my loss was due to a SCH - that it was blocking nutrient flow to the baby who was starving to death. I was on bed rest and everything for a little while, and felt just awful, though I knew there was nothing I could do. Then we got genetic testing done, and it turned out to be the opposite. I had a severe SCH because of a genetic abnormality incompatible with life. It made me feel better, but honestly either way it was just rotten luck. I know it does help though to have an answer.
FWIW, I was reading somewhere that most losses due to genetic abnormalities (that don't happen very early) either occur around 7/8 or 11 weeks, as there are some major physiological changes that have to happen then and rely on normal genetics. The odds are that you will get an answer, but I know that's not always helpful either
It just sucks....
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@LAZB: in my case I was told that there is not genetic predisposition to the disorder so there is no particular reason to think we were at risk of it happening again.
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I’m so sorry. Recurrent loss is so unfair and so hard emotionally, and you have been through so much. I understand the feelings. I do think try to wait and see after your appt and some processing time how things go. For my 11w loss we found out it was a rare trisomy incompatible with life also. Random bad luck. When I got that answer, it helped some. Helped to feel decently about moving forward (even though we had many months of ttc to go probably due to age). I think too, don’t feel like you have to have an answer today. My answer changed over time and we had finally made peace with being done when we finally got our last bfp. I understand the feeling of now or never, but giving yourself space to work it out is ok too. All the
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@LAZB: we're here to listen. It makes me sad you feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. There's no easy answer about trying again, I wish there was! Do what's best for you and your family
I think you know this but I had a perfect looking little baby at 8.5 weeks too...and they told me it had passed away (stopped growing?) at 8.5 weeks. so I'm with you in being like WHYYyyy what happened?! everything looked so promising! That was hard being so far along (I found out at 12.5 weeks). Solidarity 🙄
Let us know what the doc says today. -
@periwinklebee: that’s really interesting about the timing. Might make me feel a little better in a future pregnancy if we go that route.
@bhbee: it didn’t even occur to me that a random disorder wouldn’t increase chances of it happening again, that’s a good point! I guess I did know that, I’m just in a blur right now as far as information goes.@pachamama: thanks so much for saying that. Rationally I know I didn’t do anything, but it’s hard not to feel that way.
Thanks everyone for replying. It is so nice to have such a supportive community. I’m in the waiting room now, but they’ve informed me the doctor is running an hour behind, so it’s going to be a while. Luckily I caught sh before he got here, and he’s going to grab some lunch for us so we can eat while we wait.
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@LAZB: I don't have advice just wanted to chime in with support. I hope you get the answers you need to feel at peace with whatever you decide
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I'm so sorry for your losses. One of my losses had a heartbeat but the results did show a chromosomal abnormality so that does happen sometimes.
I've had three losses - one at 7 weeks and two at about 10 weeks. If I recall correctly, I think you also had low AMH. When I sought the help of an RE after the first two losses, I was told that the low AMH signified lower quality because less eggs means less "good" eggs to choose from. He told me it was going to be a perseverance game for me and that if I kept at it long enough, I'd find that good egg (which I did, eventually). Obviously, everyone's situation is unique but maybe you have a perseverance game to play as well... Crossing my fingers that you get that rainbow baby soon.
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sending you love
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@LAZB: I hope they find answers for you. Know that it is not your fault no matter, you didn't do anything to cause any of your miscarriages.
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@LAZB:
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I'm so sorry again for your losses. I hope you got some answers today that give you a little peace. After 4 losses, we are trying to decide on persevering (like @shantuck:), doing IVF (which I feel selfish trying to justify because DH would be fine stopping at 1), or just stopping. I still kind of can't believe I'm in this position. I agree with @bhbee:, take as much time as you need to come to a decision that's best for you.
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I hope you find answers and healing today.
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Thank you all again
Didn’t get too many answers today, basically the genetic tests are still pending, but two maybe issues that came up from my blood work two weeks ago are a mthfr mutation and factor 5. My doc doubts the mthfr is an issue as I was already on extra folate (and my levels reflected that). The factor 5 could be an issue, but I would probably do lovenox injections as a precaution if we go through with another pregnancy.
My hcg is already down to 109 a week and a half post d&c, which is pretty good. I was expecting much higher.
I’m going to wait a couple more days for my genetic results (both mine and the baby’s) and then make an appointment with a genetic counselor and my RE. After talking to them I’ll make a decision about what to do next, but my obgyn did say that if we are going to try, I should try soon because of my DOR. -
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@LAZB:
I hope the genetics come back soon and that the genetic counselor is able to provide some helpful guidance -
Just wanted to chime in and echo what others have said. I'm so sorry. This sort of thing is awful, and doesn't get easier. I hope you're able to get some closure with the genetic results. Even if there isn't anything genetically wrong, there was nothing you did or could have done to cause or prevent your losses. I hope you're able to hold that truth in your heart as you move forward.
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I saw this last night and even though the specific trauma is different, the idea of how to deal with and reframe tragedy and grief really resonated with me. https://cupofjo.com/2019/02/julie-yip-williams-letter-to-her-daughters/
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Results just came back, baby had trisomy 21 which is down syndrome. He was also a boy.
This definitely gives us a lot to think about. We will meet with a genetic counselor and get more tests done before moving forward.
While we would welcome a baby with down syndrome, if I have a very high likelihood of having another baby with severe health issues or a higher likelihood of miscarriage, we will likely stop trying.
Just wanted to update, but haven't really had time to process at all
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@LAZB: just seeing your post, I'm so sorry to hear this. you are an amazing mama and you'll make the right decisions for yourself and your family. hope you have some down time to heal. hang in there
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@LAZB: I'm really sorry
Thinking of you and hoping the genetic counselor, combined with some time to process and heal, will provide some clarity for how to move forward -
@LAZB: sending
while you figure it all out
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@LAZB:
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@LAZB: that’s a lot to process but I guess the “good” news is you have an answer. Might be better than the unknown? Sending you love as you figure out your next steps.
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@LAZB:
thinking of you
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@LAZB: So sorry to see this. Sending you good thoughts for your appointment with the geneticist. There’s no good in all this, but I hope knowing brought a little bit of peace.
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@LAZB: I want to say how sorry I am. After a devastating loss to have this kind of news seems to ask more questions than it answers. Wishing you a peaceful weekend with your family
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Thanks so much ladies for your support
I still need to talk to my re, and I do have a blood clotting disorder that I didn't know about with my earlier pregnancies, so I'll probably need to go through a little bit more if we get pregnant again, but I'm not feeling like all hope is lost.
The genetic counselor is putting in to get insurance approval for the blood tests, and we will go from there. -
@LAZB: I’m happy you got some answers. Thanks for the update!
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@LAZB: Glad to hear it was good news! And 1/175 is what we statisticians call “statistically zero,” so here’s hoping it was a one time thing.
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@youboots:
@karenbme: I like to hear that! I know miscarriage risk is still 20-25%, so that's scary, but I'll take the other stuff being statistically zero!
It just sucks....
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