Hellobee Boards

@jaguar: Thanks It's nice knowing I can vent to people who understand

@jaguar: @FannyMae: And you guys with the white undies - gave me a good laugh this morning! And I hope its not a bad AF

seems like AF wants to play mind games with me. Yesterday was crampy, early flow and now it has disappeared I don't know what to think! My bleeding from the d&c finished about 2 weeks ago, not sure if its too early for AF.

@jaguar: you're not wrong, I went for a playdate at a girlfriend's house and AF came along for some fun too

My Grandma passed away in hospice Sunday morning, in her sleep. Her death is really upsetting to me, and bringing up the pain of the past 6 months.... I was hoping 2015 would at least give me a breather for a bit, but this brings it all back - the loss of my work mentor in August, my classroom being flooded and destroyed for 6 weeks starting in Sept, my pregnancy loss in Oct, my ER visit in Nov and ensuing medical bills, a false parent accusation / report threatening my job in Dec, etc.

My grandma was young at heart - emailed frequently, daily walks, worked at Disney 3 days a week even though she was 79, etc. I'm trying to be thankful for all the good health she had until 8 months ago, and that her children & husband were able to be there with her, and that now she is in no more pain, but..... I'm really sad she's gone. Whenever I stop and allow myself to think about it, I immediately start crying, and I can't help but think about everything else, too.

On a related note, I'm probably 4 DPO today, though my high temps could have been due to illness and I had a big dip today, which is common for 4DPO for me, though. I've been symptom-spotting even though I know it's ridiculous. I'm getting really anxious to POAS, and I think her death is amplifying this even more. I am just desperate for things to turn around. I probably will test on Saturday even though it will only be 9DPO..... I have a yoga class that morning and I should know before I practice yoga, right....??

@DesertDreams88: Oh I'm so very sorry for the loss of your grandma. And so wishing you hadn't had such a hard end to 2014, beginning of 2015. As simplyfelicity said, you must be a very strong woman. Many positive thoughts and prayers for you

@2PeasinaPod: Oh this is amazing news!! Fingers tightly crossed and so many positive thoughts and prayers for you!

@MaryM: Yes, levels still negative so hopefully one more blood draw on Feb 11 and I'll be good to go!

@MaryM: Sending good vibes your way! Hoping you get some answers and February is great!

On that note, I have been bitter and feeling jealous, as you all know, about my SIL and other people who get pregnant on accident or without trying. I ABSOLUTELY hate that I feel that way, its a character flaw that I hate. So I decided to try and do something about it. I read an article about a man who felt he needed more gratitude in his life and so he decided to write one thank you note a day to people he knew or came across in life.

So I decided I'm going to do something similar, to help me focus on positive things, be less bitter and a better person, and maybe gain some karma points! I could never commit to a letter every day, but I've decided to send a handwritten card, letter, post card, etc once a week for the year. 52 letters doesn't seem too daunting. I'm going to focus on positive things, like birthdays, weddings, celebrations, etc. And when I get to weeks I don't have anyone having an "event" I will just write a letter to someone I know in hopes of brightening their day. I love getting letters in snail mail! This is probably silly to some (I'm not sure DH really got it when I told him!) but I felt like I needed to do something to help with my general moodiness!

I so wish we were all friends IRL because I would send all of you one in hopes of making your day just a little better! Maybe I will have to include writing notes on your HB walls to my list!

@MaryM: The only problem I think I'm going to have is finding 52 people to send letters to!! I'm going to have to make some new friends or maybe I can send more than one letter to people through out the year!

I think I might have a copy of that book, though I don't think I've read it. I'll have to check.

@HappyBluebird: & @MaryM: Thank you both. I am by no means out of the woods yet, but for once, I feel hopeful about a pregnancy. Sending a ton of good vibes to both of you in that your appointments turn out as planned.

@HappyBluebird: This is an awesome idea. I started to do the same in a different sense around the holidays, like commenting to someone on how much I love their hair or shoes. I belong to a Facebook yard sale site, and saw that someone lost everything in a fire. So I went out and bought new coats in the kids' sizes and met the family at the local mall to give them to them. I feel like small gestures like this eventually have to pay themselves back, and it was working to improve my mood and to damper some of my bitterness. I fully understand exactly where you're coming from there.

@SimplyFelicity, @Jaguar, @HappyBluebird, and @2PeasInAPod: Thank your for your kind words and support.

@2PeasInAPod: Congratulations!! I'm glad to hear you are feeling hopeful, and I pray that continues every moment of every day in the near future! When will you have your first ultrasound?

@Jaguar: So happy for you that you are able to try squeezing a FET in! FX for great timing!

Friends, I got annual exam done today and I could tear up just thinking about it. I switched doctors bc I wasn't happy with my care during my loss. I've never had a male obgyn before, but my friend kept recommending him over and over for his kindness, his specialization in infertility, and his sincere strong faith in God. So I just went for it, and it turns out she was totally right.

He took so much time (like 20-30 min), listened carefully, and offered to pray with me. He prayed in detail and in line with Scripture. Of course I cried on and off throughout the whole exam but he handled it like a champ. He told me the next time I get pregnant, I can get betas done right away, three times, and an ultrasound at 6 weeks, which is exactly what I wanted w/o me asking.

The only thing that wasn't so great was that he told me to stop temping and just BD EOD, and I was like.... well, we try EOD, but it doesn't always work out; and I like temping because I just like knowing what's going on. So, agree to disagree, for now.

@2PeasinaPod: wow that was so kind of you! I'm sure they appreciated it so much. I do think trying to be overall positive helps with moods and it has to count for something in the karma department!

@jaguar: still have my fingers tightly crossed for you

@DesertDreams88: he sounds like a great doctor! It's so hard to find great ones in my experience. If temping makes you feel comfortable, I say go for it!

@2PeasinaPod: amazing news!! So so happy for you!!

@jaguar: what wonderful news! And yes, I being being in Fiji will help the first part of the TWW fly by at least!

@HappyBluebird: great news about your negative blood draw! Feb seems really not so far away, so FX that you get good news at that draw too.

Ladies, I have been thinking about (obsessing over?) my m/c more and more lately...maybe because I keep hearing about people who are pregnant and due after when I would have been due, and it just makes me feel like I am getting left behind. Stupid, I know! But I also feel like I can't "move on", get closure, whatever, until I'm pregnant again, which obviously puts a lot of pressure on getting pregnant each cycle. And I don't think DH feels the same urgency, or feels it differently, so it kind of drives me crazy when he's not on board with an intense BD-around-O schedule. Anyone else like this? How did you get over it?

@hilsy85: I felt that exact same pressure, and my DH definitely did not. It actually made, ahem, performance more difficult for him because he felt like it was more or less a job. It was not a pleasant time, but you just have to keep living your life and focusing on what's important. The only thing that kept me sane was meditation (the free circle and bloom program for loss). It really helped me relax. Hugs.

@hilsy85: YUP. That's exactly how I felt, especially because he's never had problems before (or since). It was specific to the situation, which made me feel like he should have opened up and talked about what was going on more and that would have fixed it. Prayers you get your sticky baby soon and you'll be onto the next chapter. I felt exactly the same way.

@hilsy85: I also feel like I think about my m/c all the time. Usually when certain events come up and I think to myself "I would have been x months pregnant now" or when I see people due around me having baby showers and other baby related events. I agree that moving on the next step, for us that's getting back in TTC, will help a little. But I imagine I will only "move on" once I have gotten a BFP and am holding a LO in my arms

As for DH, he got slight performance anxiety when we were trying so I'm sure it will be worse when we try again. We've decided that I will not give him all the details, regarding temping, O-ing, etc. I think deep down he knows when its "prime" time but I'm hoping this helps once we get back into it.