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DD is 5 months old, and we are currently avoiding the topic, a bit (hah). I know that my husband would like to start TTC for our second shortly after DD's first birthday, but I'm not sure we'll be ready. Financially, emotionally, mentally - it's kind of overwhelming to ponder the adjustments. I keep telling myself that we weren't completely equipped when we had our first, but we've made it work, and absolutely couldn't be happier.

I also have a very hard time wrapping my head around the idea of loving another child as much as I adore my daughter. I know it's an immensely silly fear, and that it's 110% possible, but the psychology of it keeps me up well into the night.

In the end, having a child is a huge decision and a significant commitment. I think it's an enormous responsibility and joy, whether you're considering kiddo #1 or 6!

Yes I have them same exact worries! Mine is a year old and I own my business, dh travels 4-5 days at a time. So I struggle with how I could cope. I'm also 36 and i feel like I don't have much time to figure this out. Which adds to more stress. I just got back to my pre-baby body and the thought of the first few months are downright scary!

Feeling very much the same way lately. LO is 18 months, so we're getting a lot of questions about when #2 is coming. We decided a long time ago that we would definitely have two children. But now that LO is a very active toddler, we are both so tired lately that we can't even imagine adding an infant. Most days I am counting down the minutes until my husband gets home (I'm a SAHM) and it's hard enough trying to keep my LO occupied while I attempt to make dinner. How do I occupy two? It gives me so much anxiety. I'm hoping that things will improve as LO gets closer to the two year mark and becomes more independent. I wanted them to be three years apart, but now I'm thinking four may be better for us.

I'm terrified! Lots of what ifs running through my head.

@skibobrown: have you considered adopting instead? That seems like it would avoid some of your fears (but obviously have other adjustment issues I acknowledge!)

Sometimes I feel like the only one on HB with doubts and fears about another so I'm glad you posted this! I SAH now but will be working as of July. (I already have a job lined up.) dh and I will be on different schedules. I'm nervous as I had severe ppd and it was rough... We still are going to ttc probably this year. Part of the reason we want them close together is admittedly to get through with the baby years sooner although primarily so they will be close in age. Both dh and I have our fears about becoming parents of two but we are still going to go through with it. I think having a baby is always a leap of faith although sometimes I think I want an oopsy baby just to get to the no turning back point, lol. I know that is silly.

I can so relate. My fears are more personal - my daughter recently turned 2, and it's only recently that I've been able to really focus on myself, a little bit. I'm in the best shape of my life, I'm losing weight, I'm really enjoying life. I really want more children, but now I'm really aware of how long it is before you feel rested and really feel like you have time for yourself. The thought of going back to that is really depressing, honestly.

I was worried but it has been easier than I expected. Lots of time management since we both work FT. I'm sure it will continue to get easier and harder...ahhh!

It totally freaks me out, but the plunge just happened...so it is what it is! I am hoping the transition from 1 to 2 (under 2) will be smooth.

I'm probably most worried about being a WOHM with a DH who lives away during the week, plus the cost of two kids in daycare full time.

@googly-eyes: I would love an oops baby as well! lol. I also want them close together to be done with the baby years.

J is 3 months and I just don't know that I can handle another, DH only wants one so I need to be resolute if I want two and I just don't know.

@sarac: This. My LO is 19 months and my health is still shot. For the first time in my life maintaining my weight is easy and it is all based on being too busy, no sleep and eating crap in 30 second snatches. I am wasted. And my personality has changed- much more grumpy! (my poor husband).
I can't imagine going through this again.

To start with, please chalk "owing" your daughter a sibling off of your list. Siblings can be great, but so can being an only child. I have known many only children who adored their up-bringing and wouldn't have changed a thing. If you truly want a second child, that's another thing altogether, but if you are only doing it for your daugher/out of obligation, I think you might end up regretting it if you have a hard time.

Some things about having two are great. For example, I am typing at this moment because Ellie *asked* to play with Lorelei by herself and they are having a great time and doing a good job. This is awesome. Learning about taking turns and sharing and being kind to others and that you can't be #1 all the time (and having the benefit of having mom and dad's laser focus aimed elsewhere at least some of the time) happen in-house.

But there's more juggling involved, for sure.

All that said, just because you are nervous doesn't make it the wrong choice for your family, you know? I was really scared, too, and I think that my girls (and us) are better off for us being a family of four. Having some anxiety over a growing family seems to come with the territory for lots of us. Whatever you choose, things will work out.

@skibobrown: hey, welcome to the club. We have been one and done since we talked about having our daughter. Then, we caught the baby fever. Our daughter is amazing and we would love to give her a sibling. We're both scared to death of doing it, though. Some background:

My brother lives across the country and is probably only having one.
I'm 36, husband is 40.
His sisters have kids but live far away and all of their kids are at least 11 years old (so no one close to our daughter's age).
My parents are the only relatives who live close by. Close by = 2.5 hours away.

Now, let's talk about actually having that second child: I live in the states and work for a small company. If I want to take maternity leave, I have to use up all of my PTO for the year and can take unpaid time after that. We have big goals in life and every once in a while like to spoil ourselves by doing things like buying that expensive container of raspberries and going out to eat. (yes, these little things are how we spoil ourselves. We are not lavish people, we have paid off cars, live in a not-so-desirable town and don't go on vacations every year).

I'm afraid of how our lives would change to pay for 2 in daycare, 1 in daycare, 1 in private school. 2 in private school (forever). How we would still save for retirement, how we would save for a second child's college education, etc. I'm scared! He's scared! I feel you. Big time. But, my clock is ticking, so is his and in the next 2 years, we need to make a very big decision.

We’re pretty committed to being one and done, but I wanted to chime in because I come from a very small family too. If my brother doesn’t have kids with his last name; that’s the end of our (my) last name. My parents only had one sibling each, so I only have one aunt and one uncle and have only 3 first cousins. My aunt had children as a teen whereas my parents waited until their mid-30’s, so 2 of my first cousins are 20+ years older than me, and had started families of their own by the time I was born - - so, we’ve never been close and certainly didn’t grow up together. My last first cousin is nearer to my age, but we grew up in opposite countries (and then opposite coasts), and we’ve only gotten together less than 10 times in our lives. I didn’t suffer any trauma or loneliness from not having family around (by the time I was born, I only had 1 living grandparent who lived out of state until I was in my 20’s), and had a terrifically happy childhood.

The grass is always greener - - I don’t think anyone should feel pressure to have a child to “give” a LO a sibling. I hear that all the time, and just don’t get it.

Another part of the reason we’re content to stop at 1 is I really do not want to be pregnant again. I wasn’t a good pregnant lady, I had bad PPD and, like you, I really don’t like the infant stage. The thought of doing that all over again while working full time and raising a toddler is overwhelming and makes me sad. That's not enough touching the financial stuff, which is pretty overwhelming on its own.

If you want to go for #2, that’s great, but if you find that you really want #2 because of familial concerns - - well, I don’t think you should feel that pressure. You can’t guarantee family will always be around, or that your children will grow up to be close. Sometimes, especially when we come from tiny families – we’ve got to make our own family from friends and loved ones!

Also, I wanted to add that I think it can make a big difference how old your older child is when you have the second. If we'd had #2 when #1 was turning 2, I think it would have been really hard. In contrast, by the time we had #2, LO#1 was two and a half years old, and was already really verbal and fairly independent. My older son is old enough that he doesn't require constant supervision (like, I can feed the baby in one room while the toddler is playing by himself in another room, or I can send the toddler upstairs for something while I stay downstairs with the baby). He's old enough to be helpful, and to understand concepts like "wait for a minute while I finish this and then we'll do that fun thing together." He sleeps through the night from 8 PM to 6:30 PM with no problem. He's very physically independent but now (as of probably the last 4-5 months) also has the intellectual maturity to not require as much handholding or hovering- for example, I can let him run around in the front yard while I get the baby into the car, without worrying about him running into the street. So if you're overwhelmed by the idea of managing 2 when managing 1 is already challenging, maybe wait 6 months and reconsider when your daughter is older and more independent?

I have big fears! I was not a fan of the infant period. At 4 months I was (scared but) thrilled to go back to work. At 6 months I was able to breathe a big sigh of relief and now at 10 I'm falling deep head over heels in love more and more every day.

We want another but I don't know when I'll feel like I can do it again. I'm pretty sure I was a #2 surprise for my mom since my brother and I are very close in age. She's always said she was already pregnant with me before she knew what she was getting into with my brother. My MIL adopted her second when she was 6 months so neither of them has been helpful in weighing in on family planning.

@Lozza: Hooray - sounds like there's hope!

@yoursilverlining: I want to second the notion that your kids might not grow up close. I have 6 siblings (3 bio, 3 step that I grew up with) and I talk to 1 of them on a semi-regular basis. I haven't seen one of them in a decade, and won't speak to him. Another I have to see occasionally (his soon to be ex-wife is my BFF), but I can't stand him. I make niceties through clenched teeth. Having siblings does not equal having a lifelong BFF, or even friend, and to be honest, I'm a million times closer to D's brothers and their wives than I am any of my siblings.

Rant over...I just get very frustrated when people tell me I have to give E a sibling because I will otherwise be depriving him of a life-long friend.

As to the OP, I definitely empathize. We're currently in a stale-mate over whether or not to have a second. I want one, D doesn't. I'm still young enough that the conversation has been shelved for the time being. I can't tell him that I'm not positive that I actually want another child, though, because he'd shut the door and lock it and I'm not sure I want that either.

All things considered E has been an easy baby, but he's very demanding. My patience is sorely tested with just him. I'm a SAHM now but I need to go back to work...I WANT to work, for my own sanity, because while I'm glad I've been able to stay home with him for the first year and a half or so, I'm really not cut out to be a SAHM. But the thought of two kids in daycare? Sheesh.

Going further, I know we can give E a good life. He will get most of our attention, and financially we will be able to give him a lot. We will be able to buy him nice things he wants, go on vacations, help pay for college...none of which is strictly necessary, but things I didn't get growing up that I want to give him. Adding another child into the mix would lessen what we could give each of them, and do for our family as a whole.

And I'm tired. So tired. I can count on one hand the number of times I've slept all the way through the night in the past 20 months. E is FINALLY starting to STTN on a fairly regular basis, and the thought of doing it all over again just sounds exhausting.

But then when I try to think about what life would be like with just him it feels incomplete, and a little bit lonely. E has 4 cousins on D's side that he sees a few times a year. He's 5 years younger than the youngest, which won't matter when they're adults but is a big gap as children.

The thought of not having another baby bump, of not having a new squishy newborn again, of not having the image I have in my head of two sets of little feet running down the stairs on Christmas morning makes me sad.

So I'm no help, because I'm really conflicted, but just wanted to add my conflicted-ness, lol.

@googly-eyes: @lovehoneybee: @MsLipGloss: speaking as someone who was very ambivalent about No. 2 and now has an "oops baby" -- I can say that I'm glad now that baby is here, but the pregnancy was very rough, full of mixed feelings and some low points I wouldn't wish on anyone. Perhaps if you went on secretly wanting an "oops" it would be different ... But then that mostly removes the "oops" from the equation

@redsmarties: