Hellobee Boards

Hmm, Just yesterday I had a couple service people (vendors) come over to my house and they had some not quite nice things to say about my neighbors. I didn’t handle it right in that I only told one of them, who I am more familiar with what he said wasn’t nice. The other I just asked a question acknowledging his point.

Not quite the same @periwinklebee: in terms of “non-traditional” families, but none the less not all families are going to be made up of white people. I told DH about both comments and he said it just showed how ignorant the people were, but I still failed my neighbors.

My son isn’t quite aware of people’s differences and family composition just yet, but I aim to normalize everything in the way I speak about/ point out people. Books and TV programming will be our godsend since we don’t really hang out with other people.

I am Asian and DH is white. I realize that our mix isn't the most discriminated combination (sad that there's a ranking system in that regard), but even what weird stuff we HAVE endured (which to me wasn't super horrific), really shocked my husband (hello white privilege). So we try to be pretty proactive about how we deal with our families and communities.

DH grew up in a very white, suburban, Republican Midwestern context. I come from a very ethnically closed off enclave-type community with a lot of racism and fear of mingling outside that community.

In general, we deal by being proactive and leading the conversation. Meaning, we try very hard to set the tone so that even if someone is ignorant, they are on notice not to say anything dumb. Neither of us allow the other to be disrespected in any context and we correct it - whether its family or socially or whatever. Not one person in either of our extended families, who both have plenty of racists on either side, have ever said anything to our face about our mixed race marriage. Its also bled over to how our children are treated, which is to say, no one has said anything to them about it.

That said, we also work hard to ingratiate ourselves to people in our community and in our families. DH eats Korean food almost exclusively around my family, learned how to use chopsticks, learned some Korean to both use with the kids and my family, and he always accepts the weird cultural things my family does that don't really make sense to him. I am a casserole/fluff/jello salad master and have learned all the family recipes and traditions and carry them out to a T.

We currently live in a pretty white, pretty conservative semi-rural area. Again, we try to lead the conversation by being good neighbors. We are active participants in our kids' preschool and our church, we try to use local vendors and businesses whenever possible, get to know our neighbors, etc., so that our time and our dollars lead. Even if you're racist or ignorant or whatever, its harder to be a jerk when the object of your ire is kind, generous, and pays their bills on time.

For our kids, we try to immerse them in the kindest, most diverse context we can safely provide in our community. They go to a school that is mixed ethnically, racially, and socioeconomically with families that are single parent, dual parent, working parent, SAHP, blended, mixed, and LGBTQ. Their school has kids with different disabilities and special needs as well and they are all treated warmly, kindly, and fairly. The parents range from military officers to lesbian PE teachers to cattle ranchers to winemakers to environmental activists. Every parent and every child is just accepted - it just is. No one questions my kid being mixed race, no one questions the kid with Downs, or the kid with huge hearing aids, or the gluten intolerant child who isn't allowed to use plastics.

Our church is also intentionally very multicultural, multiethnic, multigenerational, and has a lot of mixed race families. The range of parishioners goes from MAGA/Trump/Tea Party white farmers to the hippiest dippiest crunchy granola people to African families who bring their own drums to worship service (and piss off the older hymn loving older folks who don't like change). Its wild but we love it because its so maddening and crazy.

The school we are planning to send our kids is fairly white (as is the entire area), but has a decent amount of children of color for the area. Granted, it is a private school, so there's obviously privilege involved there. However, a lot of the reason we like the school is because it is a Christian school with a huge emphasis on community service, kindness, respect, and they have a zero tolerance policy on bullying. The families who attend the school are very involved and know each other and I think that's the kind of environment I'd like our kids to be in every day.

The media they are exposed to have diverse casts and we have media from different countries that they are exposed to. We listen to music in many languages and we eat a variety of food from many cultures. Diversity is just normal in our life.

On the flip side, I have an ethnic name, so when it came to naming our kids, we gave them very strong familiar Biblical names that are easy to spell and pronounce, but with ethnic middle names that are also relatively easy to pronounce and spell in English. We have a very white sounding last name, so overall, the names look and sound very traditional. For DH and I, as lawyers, it had to pass the "would this name sound legit as a Supreme Court Justice?" rule.

I can't protect my kids from everything, but I think if I ingrain in them the need to be kind and polite and respectful to everyone, surround them with positive people in positive contexts, when they DO encounter something inappropriate, they will know its wrong and unkind. And if I can prevent them from being judged or discriminated against in something as easy as their names, then that's great too.

I hope you reported that young male colleague to HR.

I agree as well with @gotkimchi. My instinct is to always fly below the radar and not make a scene but since having our son, I've realized that if I encounter any type of racism, homophobia, etc. I need to stick up for myself/our family and call that crap out. I don't want my son to feel ashamed of our family ever, and attitudes towards others like you described happening at work shouldn't be pushed aside. It's uncomfortable to say something for sure, but the person who said that should be the one feeling bad, not you or anyone else calling them out.