Hellobee Boards

I have nothing new to really add to the conversation - everyone has already given some great advice and thoughts on how to handle difficult behavior.

@Mrs. Lion: I don't think I could have said it any better than you did here: "The other is trust. children obey because they trust the person in their life who is giving instruction has their best interest in mind. spanking will never obtain this goal." My husband and I often mention how lucky we are that our 3.5 is so well behaved and listens well, and I think it comes down to trust. She trusts that when we say no to something, it's because it's in her best interest. I think she's a mature child for her age, but she understands why she shouldn't run in a kitchen when we are cooking, or why she shouldn't run in a parking lot. We reason with her, we always take the time to explain to her WHY we say no. I never want to say no without telling her the rationale behind it. I can see how this wouldn't work for all children, but I have found it works very well for us.

It would break her, absolutely break her heart, if we ever spanked or raised a hand against her. I would rather parent based on trust and mutual respect than fear or submission. I never want her to be afraid of me or listen only because she is submitting.

@PrincessBaby: I saw this in my fb feed this morning and it reminded me of this conversation. I struggle with wanting to fix things too, and before I used to feel the same way....that tantrums needed to be fixed. The idea that they don't changed me completely. Lots of hugs to you. You're doing a great job

http://teachertomsblog.blogspot.com/2015/11/i-just-have-to-finish-my-cry.html?m=1

@PrincessBaby: It has taken (is still taking) me a long time to figure this out. It's so hard to let them "finish the cry" (I love that thought, @Mrs. Lion) because - for me - I just want the noise to stop! And I also live in kind of a constant state of fear that my kids will be labeled "brats" because they cry when they don't get to do or have something they want. My husband's family is SUPER judgey, and every time D starts to throw a fit, all I hear is the commentary they've made about other kids in the family, and I just want to make it stop so they don't talk about my kids that way. That's something I have to overcome on my own, and it's been really really *really* hard.

On the other hand, I very distinctly remember times as a kid when I would get upset about something and need to cry and get even more upset because my parents were telling me to stop crying and get over it. I have a very concrete memory once of telling my mom, "I just need to cry, ok? Just leave me alone!" I was older, probably 6 or 7, but still. That stuck with me all these years later. I don't ever want my kids to feel that.

We're all in the trenches here with you, Mama.

@PrincessBaby: 3 is so hard! My son is 3.5 and I have finally learned that he just needs to cry it out. If we are at home, he has to go to his room. When he is ready to talk about it he comes and gets me and we sit in his rocking chair to talk about what happened and how he is feeling, as well as how it makes me feel.

@littlebug: You know, I find myself telling my husband that too. "I need to just cry, okay?" or "I just need time to be mad, I'm not going to get over it just like that." I need to remind myself (and my husband) that our child likely feels the same way and we don't always have to fix it.

@PrincessBaby: Dude, 3 is so hard. I didn't really understand the term "Threenager" until now. It really makes me question our sanity in deciding to have another kid.

I really don't have anything useful to add about the militant, barbaric spanking discussed earlier, except to say that it really horrified me. Children, especially toddlers, have such BIG emotions, and I think learning how to work through them is a very important skill. And 10/10 times I would rather deal with a child pushing his (and my) boundaries rather than a child who is meek and obeys because they are scared of me. That's neither the kind of child I want nor the kind of parent (or person) I want to be.

I think it's completely okay to let a child work through a tantrum (at home, anyway....if we're in public we immediately leave...I won't subject other people to that). Or at least I fall somewhere between letting him getting it out and helping him along. When E starts we usually set him on the step (sometimes I have to sit next to him or hold him in my lap). I tell him I know he's upset, and we can talk about it once he's turned off his tears. I let him scream or cry or whatever, and just keep (calmly) telling him that we can talk once he's calmed his body down. Once he's calm we immediately address the source of the tantrum. "I want to talk about what just happened" Usually he'll tell me it made him sad that x,y,z happened, but sometimes I help it along "I know it made you really sad that I told you couldn't have/do x,y,z. I'm sorry I made you sad, but this is why..." He's a smart kid, and "Because I said so" doesn't work.

I know it's not that easy for everyone, but it's important to me that we at least try to respect and help him work through his emotions.

And sometimes, when none of that works, I send him up to his room for some alone time (for both of us!) and sit and talk to him a bit later.

I know this is a few days old now, but I just came across it as we are at 15 months and having some mini tantrums. But, fortunately, they are mini and they are at home. Nothing like what has been described here for threenagers (and that scares me). A lot of the techniques described seem great for home (let it play out, put them in their room to freak out, finish their cry, etc) and have already changed my outlook on how to deal with his mini tantrums tomorrow. But I wonder how to handle them in public when the time comes? If your kid throws a major meltdown tantrum in a store or on a playground, what do you do?

@Freckles: Oh yes I should clarify. I don't mean his tantrums NOW at 15 months. I meant for the threenager tantrums, the advice given seems like FANTASTIC advice for home and I think it can even be applied now at 15 mos. But for the 3 year old epic tantrums I hear about so much, do any of these also apply in public? Do you let them tantrum but move them to a less public place first (like your car or a different room).
Basically I'm looking ahead to when he is 3, how is it dealt with if in public? I feel like id have a much lower threshold because I'm so afraid of having THAT kid and being judged. So I wouldn't want to give him much time to cause a scene. But I also wouldn't want to lose my cool and drag him out in a big scene.

@PrincessBaby: Ahhhh Santa. Yea that will be effective one day

@SweetiePie: one day DD threw a raging tantrum at the bookstore bc she didn't want to leave (despite giving warnings). I find that the crazier she gets the calmer I get. It was SO embarrassing. Plus, I was babywearing DS so I couldn't pick her up. I calmly told her we were leaving and that if she doesn't calm down then I wasn't going to bring her to the bookstore. I walked away and she went even crazier. Anyways finally she calmed down but cried all the way downstairs, cried while we were waiting at the bus stop and cried on the bus and cried all the way on the walk home. Anyways, I guess I act the same way in public as I do at home. I have learned to stop giving a crap about what others think. Oh but at restaurants or cafés we remove her right away!

@Freckles: ha definitely limits my options!